How I Became Pregnant!

Wowzers, the last time I blogged was in April.... 3 months ago....and in 3 months so much has changed. I guess the biggest change is that we're adding a +1 to our family....the never ending Cosby Show.  So we're going from a family of 7 to  8.  Now that I think about it, the last time I blogged, I was pregnant then and didn't even know it. 

Ha! I'm 4 months and some change. Since the realization of the positive plus sign, I'm reading books on babies, preparing my mind for the life changes,  still working out and teaching exercise classes, trying to control the incredible hulk (that wants to come out especially when denied certain foods),  preparing the kids for the change that is to come, etc.  All that and then some.

Things have been going so fast,  that I just wanted to take a moment and truly reflect on how we arrived here...ha ha besides the obvious deed that had to be done  lol!

As you all know, I got married November 2011...and it's always been my dream to birth children. I mean I have pictures and vision boards with pregnant ladies with my head stuck on them etc, all that. I seem to always start with a vision board or some type of physical representation to visualize what it is that I want.  Verbalize. Visualize, Materialize. ....though I think I actually visualize first, verbalize, then it materializes lol.

So when I got married, I knew from the jump that I did not want to have children right away, and that I wanted to be married for 2 years before adding a baby into the picture.  I was already marrying into an instant family so I wanted to adjust to having children and being married....def didn't want to do all things at one time. Though I knew I wasn't planning on having children in that first year it didn't stop me from buying my first onesie:) that I kept on a night shade in my room for 2 1/2 years:) I firmly believe in the principle that faith is acting on what you believe.

I continued to do stuff like this throughout the years.  Throughout the summer, I would attend garage sales as well.  I've always loved garage sales and so when I would see stuff that increased my vision, I would pick it up.  Last fall,  I got several cute unisex, practically new onesies, and day outfits for my baby. It only cost me a $1 or two to increase my vision. Ooh and I saw this cute bathing suit that I just couldn't resist. I set this bag right under the lampshade in my room.

Now when my husband and I decided to actually put forth the effort to make a baby and take other steps (like getting van in advance)  to accommodate the growth and even adding stickers of the new baby to the van....something unexpected happened (See post :2 yrs in and angry with God! *Shakes fist*). I wont' go into entire ordeal, but lets just say that the van that I got for my future baby was already filled to capacity....but not with children from my womb.

 So yes, I had my moments compounded with the act of trying to making a baby...compounded with the prior history of having a miscarriage in my early 20s (those instances try to wreak havoc in your mind)....and lastly not even realizing the science behind the timing, etc...def a bit more complicated then I thought. It was so frustrating. I mean the mere sight of my menses would send me into tears. I felt like a failure every time I saw my menses. I can remember crying to my husband feeling like I let him down.  The hardest part for me is that I could not control it.  I couldn't physically take his sperm and put it where I wanted and say Voila! I had to wait, be patient, and keep the faith.

Now during those times did i feel down....yes...oh but when you have a great mate and friends who speak life and not death to your situation. It really makes a difference. My husband always encouraged me...he would say things like, "You wait until little Psalm comes on the scene." He would hold me as I cried, yet he still spoke life. My friends would encourage me  (thank God for my sisters support and circle) and then God would stick his foot in my butt and direct back to my words and my vision. One of my friends encouraged me to do a pregnancy vision board....and on the back I put scriptures that spoke to me. I hung this on the lamp shade. During the  times I became discouraged, I went back to this.

There also came a point where, I stopped obsessing and trying to control the process and just let it go. And alas, here we are:). I am pregnant!....and it's not just because we followed the scientific process...but I believe it's because we acted on our faith and what we believed...that in a nutshell is how I got pregnant!

How to use Memories from your relationships to your advantage!

 I can say that the past week has been like a roller coaster....so much so that last week slipped without me writing my weekly IAMNEWLYWED post....so here it goes. Forgive me. It's late, but it's here.

Throughout the chaos of dealing with my children and their attitudes and repeating myself over and over, I found that during my drives to and from teaching exercise classes, I would break into little giggles. I found myself smiling here and there.

Memories. 

I began smiling and laughing at the memories my husband and I created before we were married and during our first years of marriage. In the chaos, I used my mind to time travel and remember the joys in our union....in getting to know one another. Instead of continuously focusing on the kids and what they were and or were not during....I switched gears.

-Riding a bike over the San Franisco Golden Gate Bridge....a tour that was supposed to take 1 hr took 3 hrs.... then we attended a play later that evening...I couldn't even walk because of the bike ride (pre-inshape days lol).

-Taking a flight to Las Vegas  a day early (in the wee hours in the morn) because it saved money...not realizing how tired we'd be...we  ordered wings and sat and played scrabble at the bar lol. I think i fell asleep.

- Biking 24 miles and having lunch

-Going to see Prince in NJ and at the end we walked an hour in the cold because we couldn't find the car lol. It's funny now but it wasn't funny then.

-Doing Ziplines together...I almost didn't make it lol I was scared.....but my boo had my back!

Memories.

I could go on and on and on. I have realized that what we choose to focus on, expands. When I choose to focus on great memories, there was a reservoir of joy and happiness that overtook the frustration that I was feeling.

I keep my memories as they are silver linings for trying situations. I encourage you to use your memories and share them with your mate and  rehash them. Sometimes stuff gets difficult but its nothing like remembering the foundation and love that you have for one another.

Should You Consider Your In-laws BEFORE Choosing a Mate?!

Throughout my adult life, I've heard numerous stories about relationships and marriages being ruined because of either the person's parents and or other family members.  Because of this, one of the things that I took into high consideration as it concerns my selection of my mate, his family.

I remember writing on my "what I want in a mate list"  specifics about his relationship with his family.  Even when I dated people and were considering them as life partners, I analyzed their relationships with their families and how they functioned as a family. I remember I was dating this one guy and his family was hilarious, but they also got down as it concerned partying, alcohol, and marijuana. These are things that I don't particularly enjoy being around, nor did I want my future children to be around....but that's just me. Now, I'm not throwing any shade. I grew up around alcoholism and drugs, and  so it's priority for me to protect my family and not have them experience the same things I did.

 Now, when I was dating my husband, I went around his family a lot and he came around mine as well. I think its important during  the dating and courting period that both sides experience each others families, if you are considering them as a serious contender (now i don't advise you bring everyone home lol). I was there for major holidays, church, volunteering events, etc. I made sure I had enough data to make a wise choice. Now as a whole, I know I'm unique. I laugh loud,  have quirky ways, and love joking etc. It was important to me to just be myself and not put on the  "I'm around his parents" type air. I didn't want any surprises after the wedding like, I didn't know you were like that. lol.

Overall,  while we  were dating, I decided I really enjoyed being around his family and that I could deal with his family for the rest of my life (very important).  In fact, I looked forward to going over his parent's house and spending time with them. His mom and dad were  and are not overbearing parents and they respect their son's adulthood and decision making. We are able talk about different things and move on. I love his family, my family, because they considered me.   This is how I knew I was in the family before being in the family. I was there one Easter  (pre-marriage)and my hubby's aunt made some deviled eggs that had relish in them. I couldn't eat them because I'm allergic to cucumbers, etc. The next family dinner event, his aunt told me she had special eggs for me in the fridge, deviled eggs without the relish:) Wee hee! Something that simple was monumental! Now, you can't remove me from this family even if you tried.  Now married and in the family, we have had some disagreements, but we have always come full circle and I believe it's because of the foundation that was set prior to the marriage.

The foundation of really knowing your mate's parents and family is soooo important. When you explore current relationships most times it can give you some foresight of how it will be in the future. Don't ignore any signs and or minimize this issue. I believe that if his family was always in our mix or important business...probably wouldn't have lasted.....just unnecessary stress. Now, can your relationship make it with jacked up in-laws....yup...I'm just saying its a bit easier when they aren't jacked up lol.

Before we were married, we established the following principles.
WE  ( my husband and I )COME FIRST
WE  (my husband and I ) COME BEFORE OUR MOTHERS, FATHERS, SISTER, BROTHERS, etc
WE (my husband and I) MAY CONSIDER FAMILY, BUT WE HAVE THE FINAL RULE

I'm Dating a Married Man! #Gluttony

A month or so ago I purchased a married man some tickets to an event called, #Gluttony, that was hosted by a premiere supper club called Arcane.  He did not know what to expect and neither did I but we went and had a blast. The concept, the artistry, the food, the fashion, the people....just awesome. I even saw Mr. White from Breaking Bad in the building. Everything was seamed together perfectly and then there was the music.

The music gave me life.  I was so in love with the DJ's mixes and I was also in love with the way this married man was watching me on the dance floor. I was oblivious to another man that  was watching me as well. He later proceeded to dance with me while I was slow winding to a reggae song. I watched as the married man watched the guy try to dance with me and then I noticed that the married man had walked away.

Hmm...I came there with the married man. Nonetheless, I danced a little with the guy, but kept my distance as reggae can become intense. The guy eventually got the message and walked off.

Later on I saw the married guy again watching me and so I went up to him and danced with him. I was like where did you go...he went to go get more food. I thought he was gonna save me when I was dancing with the other guy but instead he laughed and told me he thought it was funny...after all, he knows me.

Yes, this married man knows me all too well. I am his wife. Most importantly, I am his wife and yet I am still dating him and exploring our relationship. Now, I don't think we've ever been in a situation like that before ...a guy tries to grind or whatever...nor have we ever talked about what we do in that situation... but the fact that he was at ease and said "I know you." had me beaming the entire night. It's nothing like your man being confident and secure in what he has in his woman.  So yeah, I'm dating a married man:) and I'm loving every minute of it.

Why People Lie In Relationships?!!

I hear several discussions about truths and lies in relationships. There are some that would rather have a skeleton of happiness (life based on a lie) then the reality of the truth.  I've never truly figured it out...why some are comfortable lying to their mate and then those who are comfortable  living  with the lies.

I started thinking about this last night as I was laying in bed with my husband. We had just finished watching an episode of Breaking Bad (yes we're behind lol) when this convo happens:

Husband: Babe your breath.
Me: What?
Husband: Man, that joint smells like...
Me: What? Like my mouth been shut too long (you know that stale smell)
Husband: Naw, like you been incubating a fart
Me: for real .

This conversation cracks me up, but it highlights something so simple and one of the things that I've always admired about my husband. He is not afraid to tell me the truth and I love that about our relationship. There have been many times when he has come from work and greeted me with a kiss and afterwards I'd say, "You've been eating onions." (I had to put that in there, lol, I ain't the only who has tart breath in this relationship at times. lol.)

Overall, we value honesty in the simplest of things so that when more challenging situations come, it's not a problem.

As I was writing this, I shared with my husband, "I don't understand why people don't feel comfortable telling the truth to the person they married."
His response to me was very enlightening. He said, "That's easy. People don't take the truth at face value. They don't focus on the truth, but instead focus on feelings. So instead of hearing the truth, they hear how a person hurt their feelings....or they don't say stuff because they don't want to hurt the other persons feelings."

After hearing his response,  I guess the comfort in being honest with my husband is because I know him telling me the truth or me telling him the truth, has no malicious intent. We don't seek to hurt each other. We love one another; therefore, we speak the truth in love. What are your thoughts on this?

Husband or Job (Career Expansion)?

There are some situations that you just don't see coming.....especially the one I experienced last week.  So here's the skinny. In pursuing one of my jobs as an independent consultant teaching zumba classes, I came across an opportunity that seemed as if it was perfect. It was a perfect location, would expand my business, and bring in major dough (i.e money). So, I thought, awesome. All along the way, I'd discuss my thoughts with my husband and get his take as I don't commit to stuff without his input or discussing it with him....especially when our decisions affect the household. We are a team and everyone needs to know what all team players are doing. It's like playing volley ball on the same team, and then you guys are both going for the ball, but both stop short thinking the other person is going to get it. I always hated when that happened. So that's why we communicate before we commit.

Getting back to the situation....so the deal was going somewhat well and then it came time to sign the contract. Now, instead of signing the contract in the office, I told the person that  I would be taking the contract home to also review it with my husband. When I tell you this guy, went off...he went off.  I guess it was his trigger, me discussing the contract over with, as he put it, a "third party."  A person once told me that your response in intense situations are locators of who you really are.  So during that situation I told him a couple of things.... 1.  My husband and I are a team. 2. I have every right to ponder over a legal document before signing it.  3. He doesn't have to agree with me I just ask he respect my family (talking about my husband "nit picky," etc. is offffffff limits).

Needless to say, although he forwarded me the contract that same evening after going off on me, I declined the contract. I realize that I truly value my family and my husband over a lucrative job offer. It's funny because I didn't realize it right then until my husband said, Wow you love me that much.  I think the moral of this story ...if there is one....sometimes it's not in the things that we say but it's in  the unexpected moments that our love is demonstrated to our loved ones.

Is Marriage More Important than Your Kids...

I was on facebook when I stumbled upon this conversation: do you serve your children or your spouse first. This question touched the tip of the ice-burg on such a sensitive subject: who comes first, your marriage or your children.... and there were mixed passionate views.
 
Now for me, being in a relationship and dating = children come first; however, when you're married your relationship comes first, and then the children. Now, I'm not saying that you neglect your children. I would never say that; after all,  I'm a social worker and I believe that every child's basic needs should be met. Food, shelter, clothing, etc....all that is a given. 

 After God, my husband and I  (our marriage) comes first for the benefit of our children. We view our relationship as the foundation for our family and it is important that our foundation is solid. If our relationship is weak and filled with contention and strife it will trickle down to our children. Thus, we do our due diligence to protect our relationship as we are aware that not knowing how to set boundaries with your children can be relationship killers.

In the beginning it was definitely a transition as prior to marriage, my husband was a single parent with three children and so he was used to putting them first. Then, he remarried and so a transition had to take place. Once marriage takes place, two people must learn to function as one.  In marriage it is no longer children first, marriage second, but it is marriage first, children second. Sometimes it can get tricky when you're a part of a blended family, as the third person involved may not share the same views or value the marriage union.  I think this has been one of the more challenging aspects of being in a blended family,  transitioning and emphasizing the roles and structure of the family dynamics. Marriage first, then the children. There are times when we have to consider the role of children participating in numerous activities and or how or if it will affect our relationship. We don't commit to activities for the children without discussing it, etc. We have to make the decisions that are best.

This sounds weird to some...but I married my husband and he married me. We did stand not stand at the alter marrying our children. Do we love our children? Yes! Do we strive to do everything we can for our children?Yes!  Do we want them to be happy:) yes!The caveat is that there are boundaries that we follow as it concerns our children and their happiness is not our priority....their happiness does not run our relationship.

"Get Permission" From your Spouse/Mate?!

 I'm a free spirit. I love exploring the things that  bring me joy and happiness. So depending on the day you may find me singing, baking, working out, crocheting,  reading, painting,  group discussions, etc....whatever... it's fun and it's my life.  This free spirit and liberty didn't truly materialize until I made it my mission to pursue joy and happiness after I resigned from my full time job as a social worker in 2010. At that time, I was dating my boyfriend (who is now my husband) when I came to that conclusion.

We talked about  me quitting my job. Now, we'd been dating for about 2 years and some change and  were already having conversations about marriage,  pre-marital counseling, etc. So hence,  I felt this was a conversation we should have if we were planning to spend the future together.  It went something like, hey I think I'm going to resign from my job, how would you feel about that.  He was cool with it. I quit my job.

Now, I wasn't just willy nilly about it. I was strategic in that even if I didn't get married for 5 years or even to my husband, I made sure that quitting my job was a choice that I could live with.  In other words, me first, him second.  I  made sure I could sustain my life and my needs without the help of my boyfriend (I paid  off every bill except for my house and car, I had a part time job, cut off anything that wasn't a necessity, and had savings, and continued to tithe). My income was not combined with my boyfriend. My decision wasn't based on a man, yet a discussion was had based upon our relationship.  There are nuggets that I've learned as a result of  my education as a social worker: Women are more likely to give up their dreams for a man more so than a man will for a woman.  So I purposed to not fall into that statistic.

I'm still self-employed and an independent contractor. I'm still a free spirit who has a lot of hobbies. There is a slight difference though.  In my premarital state, I asked by boyfriend what he thought and or included him in the discussion, but as a married woman, I ask for permission.  Permission...it almost sounds like a curse word lol!

Yup, this grown woman asks for permission from her mate and in turn he does the same as well. We consider each other. It's not about the person owning you and or having control over you, but it's more so about being on the same page. Consulting with the one you choose as your mate.  Maybe they see a different perspective that you don't see.  There are a lot of things that I may want to do at a particular time and I'll ask him and he may say go right ahead and other times he may say wait for a little bit (normally the wait a little bit, is not because he finds pleasure in denying me, but it has a greater purpose..maybe the timing isn't right)..and I wait.  I know that this hits the nerve for a lot of folk... like I'm grown I don't need their permission...then why get married? Do you, by yourself lol! Just serious!  But really permission is not bad especially when you know your mate wants nothing but the best for you..in fact, in my book, asking for permission=peace...permission=communication...permission=same page

I think we started considering each other before we were even married and it transitioned well into marriage, but with added importance. I don't know where we'd be without "Permission" in our marriage.

Don't Cross the Line In Marriage...

As a single woman, I had so many boundaries of do's and dont's. I had lists upon lists as to what line I would cross as well as the things that were forbidden. I remember when I first had the eureka moment that I could no longer spend the night over a male's house who was attracted to me....forget those attracted to me... plainly, I couldn't spend the night over a man's house who had a penis..lol. My spending night was solely for cuddling, whereas them having me over was to cuddle but to ultimately lead to the bedroom. Lessons learned. Needless to say, I created boundaries in my life for protection and safety.   I  also didn't date guys who were liberal with alcohol because I wasn't a drinker and it def wasn't sexy to me. I was already dealing with family who dealt with alcoholism, and so me choosing to date someone who had the same problem, just seemed like an additional headache. Sorry,  dealing with my family is enough.

So that's what I did. What I do. I create lines and boundaries for protection....for safety.  I look at past behaviors and patterns and create a framework for how I will handle you. It keeps me safe and then I know what to expect. I say that for the most part, the boundaries and lines that I created for myself did what they were supposed to do; they safe guarded me.

It's just this one thing........ummmmmmm....I'm married.

What I find now, is that some of the boundaries and lines that I've put up are no longer relevant. They don't apply, yet, some of the blocks are still up. It's funny how you don't realize you still have them up until your mate does something to try to penetrate the wall.

For example,  take the previous situation during my singlehood about cuddling = sex.  I still like to cuddle. JUST CUDDLE.  I love sex too, but I view the two separately. My hubby likes to cuddle too...but he likes to cuddle to HAVE SEX.  So when we were first married,  I was like, you just want to hold me to have sex. I didn't realize at that time but his holding me to have sex triggered my past feeling of feeling used (singlehood).  He would say, you don't want to have sex. So how do you figure out which cuddle times are just CUDDLE times (me) and  what times are CUDDLE + SEX times (him). LOL. I know right.

So in essence, I had to reconstruct some boundaries and allow myself to be completely vulnerable to the man I chose to be my husband for the rest of my life on this earth. I started this process by having conversations with him during times when we were just kicking it (i.e. chilling out). I don't think you want to have these conversations during tense situations...but that's just my thought.


And these conversations allowed the walls to come down. Now, some of these conversations are on-going, but the willingness to reconstruct the boundaries and the lines in your relationship is the key.

Overall, I think lines and boundaries should exist in all relationships; however, figuring out which
ones to keep, reconstruct, and eliminate is essential in your marriage.

5 Ways to to Deal with the "Other Woman" While You're Married!

Two popular shows, Scandal and I Am Mary Jane,  seem to have taken the world and social media by storm. Now, I can't speak for I Am Mary Jane as I've never seen the show...but Scandal is def on my list of shows  that I watch each season it returns (along with The Walking Dead, etc. lol). The two share this common thread of steamy affairs and intelligent and attractive mistresses. There seems to be  a trend of glamorizing cheating while desensitizing the world on the thought of affairs and mistresses.   I was having a conversation with some friends about mistresses, side chicks, bottom (female dogs), etc. ...in which they hipped me to this class system that I didn't even know existed.....guess you learn something new everyday. 

But you know what, I think the producer's of these shows, miss out on a particular "other woman" in marriages and in relationships. It's the "other woman" that I know all too well and am also still learning. The "other woman" that I must deal with as a result of having a blended family.

Let's talk about that "other woman." The "other woman" who is involved in your life because she had children with your husband or mate.

Now, when I first got married "the other woman"was havoc and I really didn't now how to deal with it. I was coming from hey...i want to be your friend and she was coming from, I want nothing to do with you.  Needless, to say the road was rocky. So here's my bit on what I've learned thus far about dealing with another woman while you're married/relationship....

1. You and your husband are one. You are a team.
Most marriages take some years before functioning on this level, but my husband and I had to learn how to function as 1 within in the first 6 months of our relationship  or it would have been in shambles. Splitting (playing one side against each other) is very common in blended families. It can can come from the children and or the other woman.

2. Communicate as one to the "other woman."
This takes a lot of practice and patience.  This means that before you respond to any e-mail, request, or questions from the other woman/man, that you have a conversation with your partner.  We created a phrase for when things are asked of us: "I will get back to you, after I talk with my husband/wife." Not only does this communicate oneness, but it eliminates confusion.

3. Document agreements and arrangements.
When you have a relationship that is strained, it is easy to say one thing, but hear another.  My mother taught me one of the most valuable lessons that has helped me so much in life, "You can't refute what's in black and white." In essence, that means that once you put something in writing and that person agrees... you can always go back to it as a reference point....and it lessons emotional responses.

4. Remember, they are not you.
I believe one of the number one fallacy's that had my husband and I stuck for a little while in dealing with another woman is expecting her to deal with situations the same we would. She is not not us and vice versa.  We are only responsible for our actions and have to divorce ourselves from how she may choose to deal with things. A wise man once told me, our response is our responsibility. A wise woman once told me, don't let another person just chill in your brain...they are taking up space.

5. Keep your relationship PRIORITY.
Although having children is a major part of our lives and  another woman is a part of that life, our  marriage relationship is separate and only 2nd  to our  personal relationships with God.

How Much Should You Change For Your Mate?!

I know the declarations I made in my pre-marital state. I'mma be this way, I'mma do this, etc. My interests premaritally were  on me .... how I wanted to look and or wanted to be.  Now that I'm married, I still have some of those same thoughts of how I want to look, be, and or things I want to do.... however there is great consideration and submission to my husband.

I thought about this as I was preparing to get a new hairstyle last weekend. I wanted a change from the weaves. I wanted something different, but I just didn't know what. I talked to my husband about some options: braids, etc. I showed him pics of what I was considering and  he didn't like quite a few. In the end, I didn't get a hairstyle that he didn't like.

Some may think uhh, it's just a hairstyle.... And it is. More than that, it is an expression of my love for him. I understand that I represent more than myself and I am his wife. I aim to please him :) in every way that I can.  Now don't get me wrong we have our artistic differences  like the time when I wanted to run to the   store in short gym shorts and  thigh high muggle socks and a winter coat.....  Lol.. Yeah I tried. It happens. But overall I have made changes for my man because the consideration is no longer "just about me" but it's about him and how it will affect our relationship.

People  may disagree with me...but I firmly believe that when you're married you should change for your mate. I believe that your core values should already line up before marrying so I so think the changes that take place shouldn't be that life altering.

It's a part my of wife description to know my man... Likes and dislikes.... And for me sometimes that may mean changes.  I don't think it makes you a weak person, I believe it's such a great demonstration of love.... Considering "us" before me.

What are your thoughts on this?!

Before 

After 

"If You Want Me to Hate Her I Will"

I saw this movie eons ago....yet,  hearing the quote, "If You Want me to Hate Her I Will," is still heart-wrenching as when I first heard it. Well,  welcome to the story of my life. Now, I don't know if my kids have specifically asked this question of their mom, but what I do know, is that they take their cues from their biological mother as it concerns how they should treat me.

 If the parent is okay with the other parent moving on, then the children will be okay. If they are not, then....they won't.

I can recall when I began dating my husband. The youngest would say, "yeah, my mother talks about you. " Then I dealt with it head on when I would see her and she ignored my salutations.  "Hello." No response. Not only would she ignore my greetings, if we were attending a basketball game with the children she would sit somewhere else. Even when we took her daughter with us on our family vacation, the 6 year old said, "yeah, my mother's doesn't like Mr. Tron." I made no comment though it was awful.  All of this, I couldn't understand it.  Especially because I wanted to have a great relationship with my husband's ex-wife.....just for the simple reason of it being the best for the children.  I didn't  want them to feel like they had to act one way in front of their mother and another way when she wasn't around. I've never wanted children to feel torn between parents. It actually got worse before it got better.... there's been a little improvement but, there is still stuff that goes on that burns me up....

One of the things that really highlighted just how deeply rooted we affect the thoughts and feelings of our children toward's others was when I read an apology letter from my daughter.  She had gotten in trouble for something and she wrote me an apology letter and then at the end she said, love your daughter.   I can't tell you how happy I was to read that....but then days later I revisited the letter
only to find that the, the love your daughter, was crossed out. My heart sunk. I asked her about it...and she told me that she crossed it out because if her mother found out or read it, her mother would be upset with her. I told her that I'm sorry that is the case and just shared my heart with her.  I told her that I am not her mother and am not here to replace her mother. However, I am a bonus mother. It saddens me to hear the anguish of children feeling like they have to choose....and or deny feelings so that their parent won't be angry and or disappointed with them. I have always been conscious of my influence on my children... even when I strongly disagree and or dislike something the ex-wife does, I don't discuss it in front of my children. I don't talk bad about her. My gripes are discussed privately with my husband. I think we must do a better job at protecting our children as what we say do and act have supreme influence.

When I think about it, I think I learned this from my mother. My birth father did not play an active role in my life, yet, she did not bad mouth him or make him out to be an enemy. She shared about him (hobbies, etc) and allowed me to form my own thoughts and perceptions about him. I get my dancing and singing from him, lol. I am thankful to my mother for that....for allowing me to develop my own thoughts and feelings based upon my experience and or lack of experience with him.

I think every parent who has children from a past relationship should realize the power and influence that they have on their children feeling's toward's their parents, be it biological and or step-parents. More specifically, even if you don't like them as a person, learn to separate your past relationship from the parenting relationship.....carrying over old stuff into your kid's relationship with their parents just ain't right....not to mention while your tainting the image of the parent...your also tainting the image your child.....

What are your thoughts on this?

What R &B Sensation, Kindred the Family Soul, Can Teach Us About Sex, Music, & Family

I'm always seeking to learn. Always. I think that the willingness to learn and increase your skill and information base is the ingredient that separates the average from above average.... the ordinary from the extra-ordinary. So, I was lead to search for people who are happily married, pursuing their dreams, while simultaneously building their families. I thought, they exist, right?!! Where are they?!!  What are the ingredients that they're using for their success?!! Let's share it with the world right?! So I sought out my first celebrity interview with Kindred the Family Soul..and here's what they had to say...

Iamnewlywed: I remember first seeing you all performing at a summer block party in Philadelphia on the same bill with a group called United Soul (now Ucity) in 2000, which was over 13/14 years ago. How much of your life has changed since then (music, family, relationships)?

Kindred the Family Soul: Everything and not much. Of course now we are 4 albums in, six children and traveled all over the world but the goals are the same. Make great music, be good to each other, raise a healthy family.

Iamnewlywed: Kindred the Family Soul is a successful R & B duo in the music industry with longevity (recently celebrating 10 years in the industry), what are some of the lessons that you've learned as a result of having a career in music?

Kindred the Family Soul: Business is not always so kind to creativity. You must be grateful and patient. What is for you is for you, comparing your career to others is a big mistake. Be an expert at being you.

Iamnewlywed: What is it like to balance individual life/dreams, marriage life/dreams, family life/dreams, and music/ dreams? Does one suffer at the expense of another?

Kindred the Family Soul:   There are moments when you must prioritize as in any persons life. We try to be practical and communicate with each other and our children so no one feels slighted. There are times when we all have been disappointed but we are committed to each other and find ways to take up the slack.

Iamnewlywed: How have you been able to maintain your relationship, your music, and your family?

Kindred the Family Soul:  prayers, the prayers of others. God's grace and mercy. Patience. Arguments. Forgiveness. Love. Desire.

Iamnewlywed: On Instagram, we see postings of your children singing, having birthdays, school shopping, and enjoying their childhood. How many children do you have, what are their age ranges, and how do you maintain a sense of connectedness and normalcy while adhering to the demands of your tour schedules?

Kindred the Family Soul: Six. 3 to 14. We talk to them...a lot. We enjoy their company. We discipline them. We try to help them understand that this is "our" normal. Some parents go to an office, we sing. Mostly God blessed us with awesome kids. Flawed, funny,smart,loving, awesome freakin kids.

Iamnewlywed:What are the 10 major ingredients to your relationship that has led you to a successful marriage?

Kindred the Family Soul: Patience, Forgiveness, Kindness, Passion, Faith, Commitment, Laughter, Strength, honesty, Sacrifice All have been learned and we still struggle with some of them. but they are essential and we know it.

Iamenewlywed: Reminiscing on your newlywed state, what are the top 5 things people need to know before entering a marriage?

Kindred the Family Soul: You will have major challenges that you cannot predict so be patient when they arrive. You can do it. Make your own rules. Listen. Take accountability.

Iamnewlywed: Fatin, what are the things men need to know? Aja, what are the things women need to know?

Kindred the Family Soul: Make no expectations that are not based in conversation and agreement with your spouse. Make it short and sweet but clear and to the point
Love him up...always
Never underestimate the power of lack of sex to destroy your relationship

Iamnewlywed:You have total of 4 albums: Surrender to Love, In This Life Together, The Arrival, and Love Has No Recession, and if you had to choose, what album/ song is your favorite, and for what reason?

Kindred the Family Soul: Don't have a favorite. Love them all equal and for different reasons

Iamnewlywed: What do you want your supporters to take from your music?

Kindred the Family Soul: Honesty, relatability, and inspiration

Iamnewlywed:You are conquering music and family life, so what else can we expect from Kindred the Family Soul in 2014?What's next?

Kindred the Family Soul: Community service

Iamnewlywed:What legacy would you like to leave behind for your supporters and for your children?

Kindred the Family Soul: Use your art/ experience to inspire your life and and others 

Thank you Kindred the Family Soul for these jewels. All I can say is that the wisdom shared in this interview is priceless.  It was truly an honor interviewing Kindred the Family Soul. Please go out and support them by purchasing their albums,  attending their concerts, and following them on social media. Check out their website at www.Kindredthefamilysoul.com and get their albums on iTunes:)

Also, what were the jewels and nuggues that shined brightly to you?! I would love to hear your thoughts and insight!

Here's a couple of mine:  The way my family is...is our "normal."
"Never underestimate the power of lack of sex in destroying a relationship"....  wow!

What are some of yours?!!

When pregnancy goes wrong.

I remember like it was yesterday. I had just graduated from undergrad, University of Pittsburgh (hail

Pitt!)... which by far was a joyous occasion and yet a sad one. Joyous because I'd survived my last semester and sad because it didn't include my first love (my first serious boyfriend and I had broken up).  Nonetheless, he came up for my graduation and we had sex (I thought that "making love" meant we were getting back together...naive). I can remember a conversation with my girlfriend ...her telling me to count 14 days since the end of my last cycle and arriving at the conclusion that I'm ovulating. The remedy: student health center for the morning after pill.

Memorial Day. I realize this tingling sensation in my boobs won't go away. I find out I'm pregnant. I'm 21 yrs old.

8 weeks and one day. The doctors can't find my baby's heartbeat.Miscarried. My world shattered.

It's one thing to find out your pregnant and it's unplanned, but it's another feeling to accept your foolish decisions and accept the idea, only to have the rug pulled from under you. But all in all, I dealt with it.  I asked God for forgiveness and dealt with the reality that I may or may not have caused the miscarriage of my child.

Fast forward. I'm married and we're planning to be pregnant. What's amazing is that I realize that as a woman, I didn't like my "period" (cramps), then I worried about when my "period"didn't come (panic if I was having sex) ... And now I'm stressed when my "period" does come (when I see the sight of it, I'm saddened). This sucks period lol (pun intended)!

Miscarriages steal life and I don't believe they are the will of God. Furthermore, they try to etch pain in your memory to hold you down from the future. Often times when I get my "period" the past of miscarriage tries to speak to me and discourage me.... Thank God for the confidence in His word that I'm forgiven and for a husband who knows my past as well as my future (it's important).

This last time when I was saddened and in tears at the sight of my period , my husband held me and said, "don't worry sweets, God knows what He's doing."

I received what he said like it was medicine to my soul. To everyone who has ever had a miscarriage this is for you. God loves you and don't  allow it to speak to and or hinder your future.  

Sex Before Marriage

I remember being single and how much I talked about sex...like why would God say no premarital sex when I'm such a sexual being...the rules i put in place so as to obstain from sex before marriage...the times I'd fallen and failed To resist it.All that. The guilt. The passion. All that. I remember sex before marriage.

Now I'm married. I'm supposed to be sexin  out of my mind, right?

I'm def not sexin out of my mind. We have sex but not as often as I'd like (because of me) and I have guilt because of it. In fact, one of my goals for 2014 is to have more sex... because my husband loves it and needs it.

More than anything marriage has made me aware of what sex means to my husband and what it means to me.

Personally, Sex for me is not a necessity. I like it and I enjoy it (Mr. yum yum puts it down lol), but for me, I love cuddling and being nestled in my husbands arm.. Laughing and talking... That's sex to me. When I was single and having sex... It was a way for me to have someone hold me... Quality time... It wasn't for the sex.

Now, sex for my husband is one of the ways he loves to express his love. Ha ha love is prob an understatement. He needs it too for his mental health... Two days without some yum yum lawd is like pms for him. I love that I know him so well.

We have different meanings and needs as it concerns sex, that's obvious, but it's important to be aware of what sex means  to each other. Cause sex after marriage is not about you. It's about your mate. It's about love. Once you find out what sex means to your mate, the love in your heart for them makes you want to rise to the occasion and please them. 

How to Make Room for "You" This Year!

This year's in full effect and it's already moving so fast. We're in the 2nd week of January, my kids resumed school this past Monday, I have my vision board completed, yet there's so much to do. My mind is swarming with all of my dreams and goals for this year, along with life's demand's and things that need to be done with my husband, my family, etc. I've been so busy trying get so much done... scheduling doctor's appointments, following up with my kid's schools, I forgot about including moments for myself.

It's amazing that yesterday, when I was sending an e-mail to my greenteasoul zumba army (fitness club) about attending their zumba sessions,  I told them to  PUT IN PEN (not pencil), A Date for Themselves...schedule  time in their agenda's, phone calendars, and block it out as unavailable. We do it for everything else, work, church, seminars, school, etc; however, we normally don't apply the same principle as it concerns ourselves.   Why is that?! We do everything for everybody else and then by the time we're finished, we're spent and have no energy left for ourselves. It leaves us drained and frustrated. Bump that lol!  My e-mail to them was a reminder to myself, "What time have you scheduled so that "You" are included in your day?" Blank Stare. I had none scheduled. So what happens when you don't purposefully schedule time for yourself. Time dissipates just like sand thru the hour glass and before you know it the day is over.

So I've decided, that there's no time like the present to get it going.  I'm not going to go thru the motions and get lost living and doing the operations of life. Instead, I'm going take moments to breathe, feel, and be life. Plus, with so much going own, a pause for the cause is essential, for our mental health. So here we go.

1. Write a list of at least 5-7 things that bring you joy that can be done 1-5 mins.
Depending on your schedule, you could have longer times to spare, just start with "some time" and stick to it.

My list:
-write one thing that you're thankful for: a moment to appreciate one thing makes me smile and laugh and lets me know...life isn't bad

-light a candle/spray a home spray mist/air freshener - smell -it  it's something about a great smell that just takes me to another place:) Aromotherapy:)

-identify a song that you love - sing it or dance to it- singing and dancing always brings me joy!

-take a walk around the block and look up at the sky and trees- I love nature and appreciate beauty

-find youtube clips that make you laugh- right now my thing is to search for laughing babies- they tickle my socks   (laughter is medicine)

-hot tea moment: have a cup of hot tea and just breathe:)

- make something:): sometimes drawing, crocheting, a cartoon:) just makes me happy

2. Now schedule your time:) what specific time will your me time be? Put it in your phone, your outlook email calendar:) and set a reminder:)

I like the mornings or middays but everyone is different.  This week I'm going for 9:30 am:) Remember its only 1-5 minutes to start:)


3. Plot your list in your calendar during the scheduled time  You can doing something different everyday, or do one thing daily for a week...

 here's my list
Tues:  write one thing I'm thankful for:)

Wed: candle/mist  (i''mma add looking at my paris calendar:)  while i'm doing my aromatherapy

Thurs: song that I love

Fri: Walk

Sat: laugh at Baby Youtube clips

4. No social media or phone interruptions during your date... (this is the date with you)


5. Do it and stay committed:) and notice the difference:)

I would love to hear some of your ideas for your simple 1-5 min joys:) that way we can switch it up:) so let me hear your ideas and what you're going to do:)

How to Make the Most Out of this Year with Kids, Jobs, & Relationships!

I've always been one who believes in writing down dreams, goals, and aspirations. I do this multiple times a year: at the end of the year/start of a new year, mid-year, etc. I just write. No matter how far fetched it seems I write out all of the things I'd like to accomplish. So for 2013, my family and I did our goals at least 2x last year. At the top of the year and before school started.

Here's the pre-cursor work before you make the most out of this year.

1. Evaluate your year?!! What have you accomplished out of the things that you had previously written down?
What's the point of writing it down  from year to year and not looking to see what you've actually accomplished. So, before the start of each year, I evaluate the things that I've written down the previous year. I even check them off:) (I love a line or a check thru something) What things did I actually accomplish from the things I had written to accomplish in 2013. I accomplished all but two.-- I didn't finish the book I'm writing and I didn't go horse back riding. Ha! I couldn't believe it!  All the others: Zumba Certified, Zumba instructor, Buddy Exercise individual sessions, G.I.G Cookies (more), read more books, write, pray, sing, bed and breakfasts, beach, teach more Step Classes & Fitness classes, Happier house, better relationship with my kids, better relationship with kid's mom, and to have two more children--- Accomplished them all. Woo Hoo! (you'd be amazed that on my board that in addition to my 3 children, I had two children one (from my womb) and the other a cousin or someone who would need help). Ha ha ..I don't have the children from my womb just yet but I do have two additional children lol. Go Figure!

Evaluating your progress is a reminder of all the things that you have the ability to do and you areas of improvement. It's also a confidence and self esteem builder. Helps you to evaluate what goals you want to keep or shed.

2.  What additional things did you accomplish that you didn't write down.
This is my first year doing this. I normally focus on the things that I had written down, but for some reason at the top of this year, 2014, I had an inkling to write down all of my accomplishments that weren't on my 2013 list. Lawd, the list! I didn't even realize how much I had accomplished last year. In fact, I recall several times throughout the year  complaining that  I wasn't doing all that I wanted to do, to which my husband always had puzzled looks lol! After writing this list!! Girl Shut up!
Husband, from 3 to 5 kids, two cats, and one dog, 2nd year in marriage-- here's my list:)

Certified R.I.P.P.E.D Instructor, worked with PR marketing group for 6 months, Monthly Women Fellowships, Made new Friends, Stretch Instructor, Rode ATVs, Never Be the Blame Video Released (7,500k hits), video features (Okay Player etc), Weight Maintenance since 2010, Date Night Tuesdays, I AM Newly wed blog,  Wammie nomination, new house, Love Chronicles of Superman Trilogy released, DNA Ancestry, rode an elephant, completed rebel race, camping, SOFCC praise and worship leader, zip lining, India Arie Concert, Lionel Ritchie Concert, Kanye West & Kendrick Lamar Concert,  Wayna Concert, updated website, 3rd annual grocery give away, family pictures, solo gigs and performances, tree trimming parties, unified at least 5 adoptees with their biological parents, (provided treats and singing),  Terrapin Adventures hikes and obstacle courses,  attended the Grammys, volunteered grammy dc chapter, etc.

Writing this stuff down, lets me know all the possibilities and how much we can do with the time we have:) and it takes away all the excuses...also, highlighted how much I underestimate the positives and accomplishments in my life.

Now that the pre-work is done for right now, now lets make the most of this year. After you've patted yourself on the back for your other accomplishments, its time to write down your goals for 2014:)

3. Write down everything you'd like to accomplish this year....from minuscule to far fetched ( though I really don't believe anything is far fetched).
It's something about when you write something down. I firmly believe its etched in your memory bank and in your subconscious. Plus, I feel like you can accomplish more things when you remember to write them down. Also, I'm realizing, my thoughts come so fast that if I don't write them down, I forget them and have missed out on an opportunity to make the most of my time.

“When you write down your ideas you automatically focus your full attention on them. Few if any of us can write one thought and think another at the same time. Thus a pencil and paper make excellent concentration tools.”

Michael Leboeuf. 

4.  Draw pictures or cut out pictures (its my favorite part) and rewrite your list on a board.
I tend to group mine into sections: health & wellness, music, family, Spirituality , Business/Creativity, and My Marriage:) Its something about rewriting and writing things more than once. I firmly believe the more you rewrite and form a picture of it, the more it gets etched into your memory and subconscious.

5. Tell your close friends and family.
I am very selective about who I share my aspirations with though I believe that you should constantly talk and verbalize your hopes with your biggest supporters. My best friend is my husband:) so I show him everything. I find that it makes it easier later in the year when he's like when did you want to start doing that...I can refer to my visual list...and he also keeps me focused, accountable, and on track. ...or if I add some other stuff ...he keeps me in check like hey that's not on the list...one might have to give. This also helps to set boundaries as to reasons why you may not be able to engage in other things at the time...because your working on something.

6.  Do  It:) and revisit your list as often as you can. Take it one day at a time:)...and see if you can do something daily towards your goals (all the little steps add up)

This is how I made the the most of 2013...by accident lol...this year, 2014, I will be doing it intentionally. Having kids, jobs, hobbies,  and or relationships... don't stop no show...you just become more creative at getting it done!!