How to overcome those that hate you!

I wish I could say that being a mother in a blended family was as easy as pie, but I can't. In fact, it's been one of my biggest challenges. It's the challenge of doing everything you can for your children without the appreciation.... doing everything for your children, tho there's the lingering scent of hate and "you're not my mother," in the air (sometimes this is perpetuated via the biological parent.. But that's a whole nother topic).  Welp, that's how it was when I first married Tron, especially with the oldest girl.

I got the blues. I felt like I was being spit in the face... repeatedly. But, I kinda knew what I signed up for. Previously to being married, I had a dream about the kids and they said, "you're not my mother" and I replied, "I know. I'm not tryna be." So I kinda expected a little bit of friction but not to the extent that I experienced.

I can remember stuff with my eldest daughter where she would try to purposely sit in the back to avoid sitting next to me.  Other times she'd be the ring leader of her brothers to cause negativity and or strife in the room.  If I said left, best believe she was gonna say right.  I remember this one conversation where I gave her permission to hate me. I told her that no matter what she did she wouldn't be able to push me away from caring for her or expecting the best of her. I told her regardless of how she felt, I would stay the same and continue to love her. And I did. It wasn't easy.... But it got easier.

I communicated with her when she hurt me. I made sure she knew that I had feelings too. I cried to my husband and to my sisters when it got really difficult. But most of all, I prayed, journaled, and continue to speak life and do activities with her and the family.  I think that's the secret to overcoming those who hate you... To literally love the hell out of them lol! I believe that love transforms ... Which brings me to now.

My daughter and I recently took a trip together to New York... Yup the same one who didn't want to be alone with me. We had a great time. It was so awesome to see and eat the fruit of my prayers. I think the fruit manifested because I didn't allow how she treated me to take root in my heart. I didn't allow how I was being treated to affect or corrupt how I cared for her. I am her bonus mom. I'm not perfect and I have learned throughout this process. I know how to overcome those that hate you:

1. Love the hell out of them. Kill them with kindness and the love of God.

2. Pray the word of God over your situation. Ask for guidance.

3. Speak your dream, not what you're experiencing 

4. Commit & continue regardless of how it seems.

When Being "You" Isn't Good Enough!

It's about 4 am in the morning and I just finished pumping breast milk and writing a brief letter to my 12 year old daughter. I'm a first time mother of a 12 year old much like I'm a first time mother of  two 11 year olds (1 being autisic), 14, 18, and a soon to be 8 month old. A lot of firsts and tho it pains me to say this, I don't always make the right decisions all the time. I know that's hard to believe (LOL), but It just doesn't happen that way.  As I become a better mother day by day, I find that "what is right" is often at war with my vulnerability.  The battle between being the parent and being transparent and open enough for my children to mature into authentic feeling human beings is real.

Internal Conflict. Growing Pains.

Especially when being transparent means   to admit your mistakes and or your areas of growth & improvement and ignore the hierarchy or power struggle inherent in parent child relationships. All of that while growing and maturing personally. Yup. Work. 

Which brings me to the brief letter I wrote to my 12 year old daughter. It started with these words, "I love you and I'm thinking about you."   Something simple yet complex at the same time. Vulnerability walking on the tightrope of parenthood. An area in which i'm continuously pulling back the onion as I realize that in order to give my children what they need, it means to put,"how i am," as a person to the side. 

The way I've been for almost 35 years is enough for my survival and serves me well, yet my style of survival is not enough to meet the needs of my child. So, I'm doing the work to shift and morph to become what my child needs.  A person who dotes on her, makes her the center of attention, crafts with her, etc.  It's not east to be stretched in this capacity. It's downright uncomfortable and sometimes I feel like a traitor to my core. I'm the person who doesn't like people invading her space or clingyness/needy folks but I must become the one who enjoys her space to be invaded for the sake of the health and development of my beautiful 12 year old child.

I'm vulnerable and outside of my comfort zone...but I'm willing and so starts the beginning of my letter to my daughter, 

"I love you and I'm thinking about you."

  

Married with kids: how not to let children stop your fun!

One of my biggest fears about being married with children, was that they'd disrupt my flow and all the plans I had for my life. I' m known for being a free spirit and I love being free. I thought, oh Lord, with all these kids I'm not going to be able to do what I wanna do. Almost 4 years in, I have a bit more insight. Having children has the power to change things for sure, but the extent of how much it changes things depends on you. 

     I remember when I first had Royal (my 8 month old), I was having the biggest pity party of my life. I felt unattractive, didn't want to have sex (didn't have anything to do with my hubby... Labor without meds is all i'mma say about that lol ) and I definitely didn't want to be stuck in the house with all these kids. I was like wait, this isn't how I'm supposed to be. I'm the adventurous one! I soon realized that having a child had not taken away my adventuring spirit, the box that I was putting myself in, was squelching my spirit. My husband further confirmed what I was thinking when in so many words he said, having children is a journey, meaning that we're constantly moving thru different phases.  Sometimes you may have a season where you have to spend more time in the house then you'd like, but it's a season not a forever climate. So I decided to weather the season and prepare for the shift too. 

I remember the day, where I pulled out my calendar and was like ... I'm a spontaneous mother with 6 kids, let's get it! It was then I planned my first trip to surprise my hubby for Father's Day. I didn't know all of the details of who was going to babysit my kids all I knew was that everything was gonna work out. I surprised my hubby and we stayed in a tree house from Sunday to Tuesday. Boy, did we have a blast! I felt revived and alive. We made it happen! That experience taught me a couple of things:

1.  If, what I feel is important to me,then it is a matter of my will of whether it will happen.

2. Having children doesn't stop you, your will does.

3. Because things take more planning, doesn't mean I shouldn't do it.

The "Terrible Awful" Thing

Panic. On the verge of tears. Panic. News reels. Nervous biting of the lip. Pacing. Circling the car. Will I be arrested? Will people understand what happened? How could you be so stupid?  These thoughts bombarded my mind in the blink of an eye. I found myself being one of "them" (i.e. one of those parents who did the "terrible awful," ---locked their child in the car). 

I remember pulling the door handle and it not giving. My 12 passenger truck was locked.  Words can't truly describe the sinking feeling of having locked my baby in the truck.The feelings of desperation  and helplessness. My baby crying. Me going from side to side frantically peering thru the windows trying to command my mind to think rationally and not be overwhelmed with my emotions. I called my husband and tho I was totally freaked out, he was cool. His voice was calm, but then came the question, "so how did this happen?"  In that quick instant, I studdered as those negative thoughts were firing like a semi automatic weapon. Thoughts: how could you be so stupid ... What kind of mother are you...you're gonna scar her for life..you don't deserve to be her mother. All of this going on in my brain while trying to keep my composure and answer the question. I answered, "it happened because I accidently stepped on the keychain (the lock) while  putting her and the stroller in the truck and then I reached over, started the truck , turned the air on, hopped out of the truck, and proceeded to get in the drivers seat.

My heart stopped. Time stopped when I pulled the door and gained no entry. My husband called the police while I fought against my emotions and did my best to stay calm. I called my girlfriend and she was in route to drive to my house to get my spare keys. The police arrive. I'm pacing around the car doing my best to not burst into tears. The police officer's silver thing to jimmy the lock didn't work, but he provided these words. "Look at the bright side. It could be worse." 

-Yes you locked her in the car, but at least you had the air on.

-You have a friend  who lives nearby and is on the way with a set of spare keys.

-Don't add any extra toppings to the beating you've already given yourself.

-She's okay and you're ok.

Wow. Shift. The situation was still the same but I could see the silver lining. Yes, I made a mistake, but things could be worse. I didn't have to accept the negative thoughts. I didn't have to add extra toppings to this guilt sundae. It's a choice to take on the negativity. It's a choice to continue to beat yourself up about your mistakes. Then as if right on cue, my giggly girlfriend and her corale of children came and delivered my spare keys. Not only was their arrival a breath of fresh air but their very countenance was medicine to my soul. I saw smiles and heard laughter, a reminder of how quickly a moment can shift from desperation to happiness. I got in the car & cried tears of joy and acceptance that I made & survived the terrible awful mistake. I thought when I entered the truck I would rush to my baby's side, like  she would woo sah that mommy arrived. She was sleep. I let her sleep. She didn't have a clue what was going on... This slumber was her normal nap time.. Her cry earlier was her normal pre-sleep cry... 

I'll never forget the terrible awful mistake, nor will I be adding extra toppings to a guilt sundae. We're Good.