Green Tea's wedding 198

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Why People Lie In Relationships?!!

I hear several discussions about truths and lies in relationships. There are some that would rather have a skeleton of happiness (life based on a lie) then the reality of the truth.  I've never truly figured it out...why some are comfortable lying to their mate and then those who are comfortable  living  with the lies.

I started thinking about this last night as I was laying in bed with my husband. We had just finished watching an episode of Breaking Bad (yes we're behind lol) when this convo happens:

Husband: Babe your breath.
Me: What?
Husband: Man, that joint smells like...
Me: What? Like my mouth been shut too long (you know that stale smell)
Husband: Naw, like you been incubating a fart
Me: for real .

This conversation cracks me up, but it highlights something so simple and one of the things that I've always admired about my husband. He is not afraid to tell me the truth and I love that about our relationship. There have been many times when he has come from work and greeted me with a kiss and afterwards I'd say, "You've been eating onions." (I had to put that in there, lol, I ain't the only who has tart breath in this relationship at times. lol.)

Overall, we value honesty in the simplest of things so that when more challenging situations come, it's not a problem.

As I was writing this, I shared with my husband, "I don't understand why people don't feel comfortable telling the truth to the person they married."
His response to me was very enlightening. He said, "That's easy. People don't take the truth at face value. They don't focus on the truth, but instead focus on feelings. So instead of hearing the truth, they hear how a person hurt their feelings....or they don't say stuff because they don't want to hurt the other persons feelings."

After hearing his response,  I guess the comfort in being honest with my husband is because I know him telling me the truth or me telling him the truth, has no malicious intent. We don't seek to hurt each other. We love one another; therefore, we speak the truth in love. What are your thoughts on this?

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Husband or Job (Career Expansion)?

There are some situations that you just don't see coming.....especially the one I experienced last week.  So here's the skinny. In pursuing one of my jobs as an independent consultant teaching zumba classes, I came across an opportunity that seemed as if it was perfect. It was a perfect location, would expand my business, and bring in major dough (i.e money). So, I thought, awesome. All along the way, I'd discuss my thoughts with my husband and get his take as I don't commit to stuff without his input or discussing it with him....especially when our decisions affect the household. We are a team and everyone needs to know what all team players are doing. It's like playing volley ball on the same team, and then you guys are both going for the ball, but both stop short thinking the other person is going to get it. I always hated when that happened. So that's why we communicate before we commit.

Getting back to the situation....so the deal was going somewhat well and then it came time to sign the contract. Now, instead of signing the contract in the office, I told the person that  I would be taking the contract home to also review it with my husband. When I tell you this guy, went off...he went off.  I guess it was his trigger, me discussing the contract over with, as he put it, a "third party."  A person once told me that your response in intense situations are locators of who you really are.  So during that situation I told him a couple of things.... 1.  My husband and I are a team. 2. I have every right to ponder over a legal document before signing it.  3. He doesn't have to agree with me I just ask he respect my family (talking about my husband "nit picky," etc. is offffffff limits).

Needless to say, although he forwarded me the contract that same evening after going off on me, I declined the contract. I realize that I truly value my family and my husband over a lucrative job offer. It's funny because I didn't realize it right then until my husband said, Wow you love me that much.  I think the moral of this story ...if there is one....sometimes it's not in the things that we say but it's in  the unexpected moments that our love is demonstrated to our loved ones.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Is Marriage More Important than Your Kids...

I was on facebook when I stumbled upon this conversation: do you serve your children or your spouse first. This question touched the tip of the ice-burg on such a sensitive subject: who comes first, your marriage or your children.... and there were mixed passionate views.
 
Now for me, being in a relationship and dating = children come first; however, when you're married your relationship comes first, and then the children. Now, I'm not saying that you neglect your children. I would never say that; after all,  I'm a social worker and I believe that every child's basic needs should be met. Food, shelter, clothing, etc....all that is a given. 

 After God, my husband and I  (our marriage) comes first for the benefit of our children. We view our relationship as the foundation for our family and it is important that our foundation is solid. If our relationship is weak and filled with contention and strife it will trickle down to our children. Thus, we do our due diligence to protect our relationship as we are aware that not knowing how to set boundaries with your children can be relationship killers.

In the beginning it was definitely a transition as prior to marriage, my husband was a single parent with three children and so he was used to putting them first. Then, he remarried and so a transition had to take place. Once marriage takes place, two people must learn to function as one.  In marriage it is no longer children first, marriage second, but it is marriage first, children second. Sometimes it can get tricky when you're a part of a blended family, as the third person involved may not share the same views or value the marriage union.  I think this has been one of the more challenging aspects of being in a blended family,  transitioning and emphasizing the roles and structure of the family dynamics. Marriage first, then the children. There are times when we have to consider the role of children participating in numerous activities and or how or if it will affect our relationship. We don't commit to activities for the children without discussing it, etc. We have to make the decisions that are best.

This sounds weird to some...but I married my husband and he married me. We did stand not stand at the alter marrying our children. Do we love our children? Yes! Do we strive to do everything we can for our children?Yes!  Do we want them to be happy:) yes!The caveat is that there are boundaries that we follow as it concerns our children and their happiness is not our priority....their happiness does not run our relationship.











Thursday, March 6, 2014

"Get Permission" From your Spouse/Mate?!

 I'm a free spirit. I love exploring the things that  bring me joy and happiness. So depending on the day you may find me singing, baking, working out, crocheting,  reading, painting,  group discussions, etc....whatever... it's fun and it's my life.  This free spirit and liberty didn't truly materialize until I made it my mission to pursue joy and happiness after I resigned from my full time job as a social worker in 2010. At that time, I was dating my boyfriend (who is now my husband) when I came to that conclusion.

We talked about  me quitting my job. Now, we'd been dating for about 2 years and some change and  were already having conversations about marriage,  pre-marital counseling, etc. So hence,  I felt this was a conversation we should have if we were planning to spend the future together.  It went something like, hey I think I'm going to resign from my job, how would you feel about that.  He was cool with it. I quit my job.

Now, I wasn't just willy nilly about it. I was strategic in that even if I didn't get married for 5 years or even to my husband, I made sure that quitting my job was a choice that I could live with.  In other words, me first, him second.  I  made sure I could sustain my life and my needs without the help of my boyfriend (I paid  off every bill except for my house and car, I had a part time job, cut off anything that wasn't a necessity, and had savings, and continued to tithe). My income was not combined with my boyfriend. My decision wasn't based on a man, yet a discussion was had based upon our relationship.  There are nuggets that I've learned as a result of  my education as a social worker: Women are more likely to give up their dreams for a man more so than a man will for a woman.  So I purposed to not fall into that statistic.

I'm still self-employed and an independent contractor. I'm still a free spirit who has a lot of hobbies. There is a slight difference though.  In my premarital state, I asked by boyfriend what he thought and or included him in the discussion, but as a married woman, I ask for permission.  Permission...it almost sounds like a curse word lol!

Yup, this grown woman asks for permission from her mate and in turn he does the same as well. We consider each other. It's not about the person owning you and or having control over you, but it's more so about being on the same page. Consulting with the one you choose as your mate.  Maybe they see a different perspective that you don't see.  There are a lot of things that I may want to do at a particular time and I'll ask him and he may say go right ahead and other times he may say wait for a little bit (normally the wait a little bit, is not because he finds pleasure in denying me, but it has a greater purpose..maybe the timing isn't right)..and I wait.  I know that this hits the nerve for a lot of folk... like I'm grown I don't need their permission...then why get married? Do you, by yourself lol! Just serious!  But really permission is not bad especially when you know your mate wants nothing but the best for you..in fact, in my book, asking for permission=peace...permission=communication...permission=same page

I think we started considering each other before we were even married and it transitioned well into marriage, but with added importance. I don't know where we'd be without "Permission" in our marriage.