God Is In his mouth!

Let's see...I'm approaching almost 2 years in marriage, come November 19th...  and today my husband, which for the purposes of this blog, is named Superman:) Actually, he's had that name since we first started dating lol  though I've figured out, I'm his kryptonite... not just me tho...he's an uber kind...want everybody to be happy kind of person. Anyways, this morning, superman gave me a poem that he had emailed me in 2009....such a sappy we in love poem...oh how I love stuff like that.....plus I recently told Him that I think God is in his mouth. We have                                                                                                           such interesting convos lol.

One of the things that  I've always loved about my husband is his care towards me....his understanding towards me. Even when I'm dead wrong.....he gets me. I'd never experienced that truly until marrying him. (well a little with my parents). With him, I'm able to truly be myself...to be completely naked....and not be judged....to say my feelings right or wrong and always come back in love.....without the fear of him leaving me. I told him recently that his kind of love exemplifies God to me. Some of the stuff he says...his correction...how he does it....his instant forgiveness.  I told him God is in his mouth. 

You see, in my private time, I have some discussions with God....and then my husband will say the same thing in a different way. Then I'd be like whatev....taking it for granted until its confirmed again (yes, I can be rather bull headed). Then, he'd say remember I said that. Eek. He was right all along. ha ha IAMNEWLYWED! I have come to understand and am even letting my guards down more with my Superman. Exposing more layers of myself and vulnerability lol...did I mention I'm from Southeast lol.  I acknowledge that God is in his mouth and he is a physical representation of God's love towards me. woo sah....a physical representation of God's love towards me.  I say God loves me so much that he would let me experience love with Superman. And because its so....I have to do a better job at acknowledging that God is in his mouth by listening the first time....without confirmation...knowing that if he messes up or misses it, that God still has my back. I love Superman:)

Swagged out/!!

I can't believe it's Tuesday...I really like to purge on Mondays lol...but I sat down to write and then ended up working and doing everything else except what I had intended to do. Surely, I know I'm not the only one that this has happened to lol... Well alas! I get a moment to reflect.

So this past weekend, the kiddies returned...and sometimes when they come back from the weekend it's almost like a roll of the dice. You just never know what your gonna get.   But this weekend was fairly cool. I'm learning that no matter how they come (no matter the mood) that it's important for me to be consistent..anyways, I digress.

 Back to this past weekend. Now, out of my three children the one who has the most mouth....is my middle son who's 12 years old. I won't say his name, as he is a kid of "swag," lol and me saying his name would "take away from his coolness/swag" I'm sure lol and it would embarrass him.  Nonetheless, he's the one who just has to be right or has to have the last word, no matter if he's right or wrong. I guess a christian, faith-filled, therapist, positive soul singer, shouldn't say that he makes me wanna decapitate him sometimes.... But who am I fooling...lol...God already knows. LOL!

But this weekend, I had to pat myself on the back and note some growth. So for the purpose of this blog, my middle son's name throughout this blog will be "Swag."  So Swag  comes home in a relatively good mood and I'm in a good mood too because  I sold all my G.I.G cookies (www.greenteasoul.com). Excuse the shameless plug.  So just chillin and having fun, I decide to make it rain (throw money in the air) and of course the boys grab up the money and high tail it. We call em back..and  somewhere Swag says Ma-T doesn't buy us anything except candy from the $1 store. I responded oh really...like the house you live in, the clothes on our back..yadda yadda.  He's like, Dad pays for it...or something like that. I was like, really. But unlike before....I let it roll off my back. Before I would have had the verbal artillery cocked, loaded, and fired like an automatic machine gun.... but I didn't I just kept it moving. Wee hee high five for me!

It did show me how little, children comprehend, and how much they take things for granted. I think that in the beginning of our  marriage, that it was the biggest sticking point for me....I felt they were unappreciative and took things for granted....complete shock. bwhahahahaa!! Now that I'm looking back, ha ha, most kids are unappreciative and or feel that parents are doing what they "supposed" to do. But I realize that I was looking through the lenses of my past,  growing up in the hood and so close to poverty.  I'm thinking, these ninjas got a nerve to be ungrateful when they're children who don't have it like this.  I'm bending over backwards to increase our money and I get sass lol.....sounding like my mother lol....and everything other parent of I've heard.

But what do my kids know....they've never experienced any different....they don't know about southeast dc and the things that can come with it. They've never experienced how it was or how  it could be, they just know how it is. Could I be angry that they have  it better then how I had it growing up and to put icing on the cake,  they don't appreciate it....pause. nahhhh...lol

So I'm patting myself on the back for not tripping out and not feeling like I had to convince a 12 year old, who pays the bills around here. Whats the use of trying to rationalize with a 12 year old...none at this point.

Friends, How Many of Us Have Them?

Over the past weekend, I hosted our sisters support circle, where every 3rd Sunday, a  diverse group of women come together to talk about different issues. Everyone's so intelligent and has a unique perspective that I learn and improve my life each time we meet.

Although the topic was on purpose and dreams, we touched on so many other topics, that we didn't even finish.  What hit home for me was the little side bar about friends.  It stemmed from an article, The Top 5 Regrets (http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-of-the-dyingwhere the article talks about people's regrets before dying.) 

One of the regrets was that "I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends"

I mentioned in an earlier blog posting called friends and marriage, how  I thought my friendships  were changing.But the phrasing of that regret,  I wish I had stayed in contact with my friends, hit home. It put the ownership of my connections on me. It reminded me of what my mother said when I asked her about friends and marriage.  She said, "some friendships in adulthood change, but friendships in adulthood aren't hard, they just take more work." A wise woman, but don't tell her I said that :)So i asked myself,Have I been doing my best to connect with my friends?  Am i in tune with the opportunities presented to connect?No. I'm a person of easiness, so i tend to avoid things that require work.

My idea of friendships "in my head" is that of the movies and books... The easiness of long girl talk coffee house sessions, trips to exotic places, knowing the ends and outs about everyone's lives... Basically, relationships that don't take work... Just easy like Sunday morning. But the reality is that me focusing on what friendships looked like "in my head" made me discount my friendships and see them as superficial.  I equated friendships with being easy going and requiring no effort. I didn't realize what I have. I was so busy focusing on my friends not reaching out to me that I didn't even realize that I wasn't reaching out to them as often as I could. I didnt realize the opportunities i had to redeem lost time because i was consumed with "their" lack of effort. The rapper Common said, "relationship is effort but I will match your work." Where is my effort?

I asked myself, how bad do I really want the relationships or connections. Am i willing to change, "I'm not a phone person, to being a phone person to get the connection i desire?" Am i asking about their lives?Just little stuff like that. How bad do I really want it?

I know I don't want to be on my death bed, regretting not keeping in contact with my friends. Instead, I want to say I'm glad that I kept in contact with my friends...and have them at my side. Sidebar: ain't nobody dying... Aiin't nobody got time for that... Rather be raptured lol

I'm just sayin... Whew a chestful

"What I Have to Do"

Today's a beautiful day. I did a little bit of work here and there, worked out, went to my favorite place (the library.....tryna see if the last season of "The Wire" has come in lol) and lounged in the pool reading a book....and capped it off with being naked for the rest of the day (I know TMI but WINNING). The house is quiet, with the exception of the hum of the air conditioning. I'm in a relatively good place.  I have a lot thoughts to process just from this past weekend...so I'll definitely be writing up some stuff soon....but not right now. Right now, I 'm enjoying every aspect of today. I don't know when I did this last...just stopped and savored the moments of the day.

I've  spent so much time over the past week or so complaining about feeling like I "have to" work my part-time job.  I've come to the realization that I don't like to "have to do" anything.... the "having to do stuff," is a turn off.  I'm a free bird and "having to do" something...feels like I'm being caged/trapped. Actually, my husband helped me come to that conclusion and he even had anecdotes  to illustrate his points. Oh, how I love a man who can support a premise lol. I digress.  Anyways, ironically, I just recently accepted that as a grown up, lol, there are things that I "have to do." So over the last couple of days, I've changed my disposition....instead of complaining (I actually got tired of hearing myself)... I'm focusing on the positives and the things I have and like about my part-time job and the opportunities it has afforded me. I think continuously  talking negatively about a situation...makes you feel worse then what it really is. Instead, I'm thanking God and appreciating where I am.  Appreciating the process to get to where I'd like to be. Ha Ha (i just LOL'd) I'm maturing. One day at a time. I'm really working on having my joy about life be set---- unchangeable.... no matter what comes my way. I'm working hard at not rushing this life process...but enjoying the moments day by day.

So today I'm not on the go...I'm chillin...and I'm bout to enjoy my naked moments...literally and figuratively...and get back in the pool!

Cheers to the weekend: Linaganore Wine Festival!

We Out'chea...so hot!!

It's Monday and for some reason Mondays have always been my favorite! It's the reset that it's a new start of the week.


Well, what can I say, I had a great weekend. This weekend, I had my husband all to myself and I so appreciate those moments. Every other weekend we have the kids, which is a great break & most times a much needed one. It's such a great way for us to just reconnect and build. I love it. I don't take these moments for granted because we don't have time to get into long disagreements that suck up the entire day...cuz the weekend would be gone. Although, I was tempted on Saturday because the boo is blunt, like me, at times (although no one would ever believe it lol), and he told me in so many words (after I came from the gym), that I stink and to go take a shower. I was all in my lovey dubby mood ha ha...he straight killed my vibe...short lived for sure.

I got upset...but got it together within the next 5 minutes. Turned on some old Kanye, college dropout. Hit the showers and got ready for the day. I think the positive in our relationship is that we can have a moment, get ourselves together, and come back to the day...and then talk about it.  I'm prob more sensitive then I've ever realized and I'm working on it. My husband knows how to bounce back way more quickly then I can. More work to do. I love that he can bounce back so quickly, yet he gets on nerves that he is so good with that. 

Me posing with the winery machine afte the winery tour lol!

Anywho, we went to the Linganore Wine Festival and had a great time!The food, the people, the wine tour, and just the experience of laughing and spending time with my favorite person is such a refresher. So many things happen on a day to day basis  and week to week...but when I'm with my best friend, like Lauryn Hill says, nothing else even matters.  Then the man who owns the Linganore winery shared their story, of how they started from hand crushing grapes to mass producing wine. I love hearing about dreams and how they came to fruition. They speak to me and encourage my own dream process. So needless to say the Linganore Wine Festival was great and I think we're going to go back again in October:)!

Overall, I feel there is a lesson in every interaction and experience and so my goal is to learn to bounce back within a minute instead of 5 to 10 minutes.  Make the best out of each moment, especially with my husband.  At the end of the day, I don't want to have so many minutes wasted:)

Here's a pic from the festival:) Aren't we just cute lol!

The Silver lining: Coolin

In my moment of sadness yesterday, I had a choice. Would I wallow in the sadness or keep it moving. I chose the latter and got in the pool. I thought I was gonna chill alone, relaxing on the floatie, when the kids returned to the pool.... And I do mean returned, as they had previously left, to watch television. Now, I have seen this happen with my husband ... As soon as he gets in, all the kids get in or as soon as he does something, everyone wants to do it. He's a magnet like that.  It hadn't happened with me though. But yesterday it happened.  I'm noticing that its happening more and more:). The kids feeling more comfortable to share space. What a silver lining. I'm doing a better job at noticing the small changes. It was cool just noticing the small influence I made yesterday by deciding not to let a moment ruin the day. 

Here's a pic from one of our coolin days. I should have taken a pic yesterday but it was too hot to be concerned with anything other than swim time lol!  

Life after Lyfe

Not too long after I wrote my blog, What is it that you do again? and sent out my email to my #greentealovers,  I get word that I'm no longer slated to open up for Lyfe Jennings on this Saturday, July 20, 2013. No longer. Swallowed Hard. Thoughts. Feelings. Sadness. Disappointments. My response: Okay.

Next steps. Action. I must immediately tell my accompanist that the rehearsal slated for 2:30 pm today is cancelled. I must tell my kids who were gearing themselves to sit thru the rehearsal, gathering snacks and games, to be at ease; the rehearsal is cancelled. Their response is that they're happy. More time they have to chill in our pool on the new floaties.

I must send out a retracting e-mail
and to the social media outlets.

Next thoughts. Wait, I forgot. I'm disappointed. Hence, I'm writing. Woosah.

I'm sad that I got my hopes up about this situation. Sad that I sent out emails, social media, told my husband, my parents, and my friends. Sad that I may get endless questions about what happened, are you okay.  People feeling sorry for me. All of that.

But I'm still here. I cry a few tears but upward and onward.  This disappointment doesn't take away my gift or my mission to encourage people to grow, love, and heal thru music. I'm staying true. Just another lesson that I've learned. In a matter of moments, things can change, both for the better or for the worse, especially over things you can't control.  Somethings I just can't control. I don't have power over other people.  I have power over myself and my response and so I wish Lyfe Jennings the best show ever.  Sorry I'm not apart....but like I tell the kids when they can't do something that they really want to do..." it's okay, maybe next time." I'll be opening at the Howard Theatre some time in the near future.

Patience continues to ring like a clanging symbol in my ear. I hear ya I hear ya

What is that you do again?!!

 Just last week, a person asked me, what I did for a living. The answer is not the usual one answer. The answer goes... well I'm a group exercise instructor, a baker,  a singer/songwriter, post-adoption researcher/Homestudy, writer, etc. Prior to asking me that question, they asked my husband the same one and they got one  answer,  a computer engineer. When this questioned is asked, my husband and I, take a deep breath,look at each other, then I give my long answer coupled with "oh, I'm a praise and worship leader too ."  I should have added mother and wife too....I'll add that next time lol.

I do a lot of things as my goal is to do the things that bring me joy and put forth effort to eliminate the things that don't.  I got that from reading the books written by the Delaney sisters:) In 2010, I retired from being a full time social worker to focus on my happiness and pursue my music full time.  Within that time period, I lost 48 lbs, was writing and recording my new album,  became a group exercise instructor, weight watchers leader, etc. Then in 2011, I added wife and mother to the list. 

Which brings me here. I am a singer/songwriter. I've been singing since I can remember and I've been pursuing music professionally since 2004. I have a total of 5 albums out, under the moniker (Green Tea) which has now changed to GREENTEASOUL.  In 2011, I became a wife/mother, with a husband and 3 children, 2 cats, and 1 dog.  My biggest challenge was how to do both without feeling guilty about sacrificing something in one or the other. I'm still working on that. Its definitely a balancing act. Music takes time, energy, and money (we have a separate budget for Green Tea and I sell G.I.G cookies to cover my music expenses). Family takes time, energy, and money. EEK!! I started to feel guilty about both. And then, after this last venture with investing in my music didn't pan out the way that I thought. I really became down. I started thinking about all the different ways I could have used that investment in my family.  Then another music venture, I wanted to take part in with a really great producer... I got the estimated expenses..and my heart sank. I really couldn't at the time because it wasn't feasible financially....and so I had to tell him. Eeek I hated doing that! Thank God for a supportive husband though. He supports my dream and was being the voice of reason.....he was like ummm you been in the game how long? I've listened to a lot of music industry's success stories...and they were in the game longer than you, before they actually made it." Oh and by the way, they have a label paying for their stuff." You got to love him...but i didn't want to hear that. I'm Tekeah remember its supposed to be different lol. But I was really considering throwing in the towel on music.  Like maybe I had reached my pinnacle. I had written a blog on July 9 that pondered, should I quit. That was just last week.

Needless to say I didn't quit...and I allowed people to encourage me. I also know that I'm an emotional person especially around certain times of the month. lol. So, its not wise for me to make decisions when I'm emotional. Fast forward to today. I got word on Monday asking me if I'd like to open up for Lyfe Jennings. Of course I answered yes...and went back to my business....you get so many what ifs in the music business...I wait until I see the fine print before I get my hopes up. But it was and is confirmed! I am opening up for Lyfe Jennings on this Saturday, July 20 at the Howard Theatre.

One week pondering quitting, the next week slated to open up for a platinum artist. In the past week, have I figured out how to let music and my family co-exist in its entirety? No. What have I figured out is that I have people who will have my back and won't let me quit. I got a response from one of my friends in the industry, "Your not quitting. The end."  lol I figured out that my purpose of singing is not to just make money or tour all over the world but it is: To encourage people to grow, love, and heal, thru music and outreach.  At the end of the day that is my purpose and I can't get caught up in what others are doing or how far they have come. I thank God for this opportunity...and just for being to be able to learn from the positive and negative.

I met a man last night....

last night, I met this man who took me out for sushi, a long walk around eastern market... And then took me back to his house. but we didnt sleep there... we slept under the stars, in a tent in his back yard. This man does it for me! wee hee it was night of fun that encompassed talks of love,politics,dreams, and free-cycle (long story, but my husband put the breaks on me scoring an elliptical from freecycle lol). I'm smiling ear to ear like I'm in high school and you find out that the boy you been breaking your neck to send signals that you like him, likes you back. Ha ha! Man, I just love my husband!! He gets me  and likes me and I like him. I mean we like like each other lol! Ha, he just yelled from the other room "love u babe" as I'm typing this. It's such a good feeling.

I asked him last night, how many people have what we have.  We are besties who really enjoy each others company. I told him yesterday that I attribute alot of our success to making sure that we have "our time" together.  Our tuesday date nights...setting aside time weekly, is a saving grace and keeps the connection fresh. We talk, we laugh, we cry, we express, debate, envision, dance, read...etc. We have time for each other which is very import when you have a big family and so much going on at one time. I think our date nights are a constant reminder that, no matter what comes our way, we are in this life together...... That and u can't be mad during date night lol!

We take time for each other because we are very important to one another. Excuse me, I think I might meet that guy again in the tent lol! I love him :)

It's Morning...

Its morning...my favorite time of the day. I've always loved mornings....the newness of the day, the chance to start again.  Mornings, my most pensive moments. I've always loved them. I think I maybe loved them more because the mornings represented my "me times" for so long....represented my freedom to begin the day anyway that I liked....sometimes loud music/dance routines...sometimes dancing around the house naked (or just walking around the house with whatever on)...sometimes singing at the top of my lungs...sometimes just curling up with my cat, George, saying nothing...just anything goes! The simple liberties of free mornings! It's amazing the stuff you take for granted during your pre-married days.  You don't realize all of the value in them until things are switched around.

I AM NEWLY WED. Mornings. Adjustment. Living with others. Adjustment. Children in elementary, middle school, & high school (all with different bus schedules). Adjustment.  Living with non-morning people. BIG ADJUSTMENT!

I think one the biggest adjustments was adjusting to my mornings no longer being my own. Did I mention I was a morning person? My husband is a morning person too...that's one of the reasons why I love him so.... my children, absolutely not....tho my middle son is a bit better than the other two.  Combine that with different morning schedules (morning school bus). Eek I started to hate mornings. Not only could I no longer walk around the house naked ( I know TMI...but its such a simple joy for me lol), I now had to wake up and make sure everybody had and did everything they were supposed to do. Eek! My intermittent dance and singing routines on hold. So the bubbly Tekeah...was did you brush your teeth, put on deodorant, did you eat...all that. I don't want to do all that talking in the morning. I wanna chill and enjoy the birds.  Let creative juices flow.You know, reflect.  Then I couldn't understand why....get this...wait for it.... I couldn't understand, why I had to keep saying the same stuff, day after day, to the kids.  Apparently, I thought their learning curve was a bit slow....when in fact I had forgotten what its like to be a kid....so I guess my learning curve was a bit slow lol. Kids sometimes try your greatest area of improvement....which mine was/is patience.  I AM NEWLY WED! lol

Then on top of that...during the weekend...guess who wanted to continue the early morning ritual of being a morning person, my husband.  So let me get this straight, the only day I don't "have to" get up and ensure that everybody is up and at em...my husband wants to get up at 7 am and get the day going. Ninja please! Ha Ha! Can you imagine the turmoil.... *swings arm across the bed to cuddle with husband* Empty space. He is up doing something...working out...talking about cutting grass or something.  Boy Bye!

I sit and think about it now. He didn't change. I did.  My  morning routine differed. My needs changed. Initially for a while, I was blown and I would tell him. "I just want you to lay here with me." Ummm...next Saturday he'd be up and at em again.  I guess he thought I was talking about just last Saturday. I'm like what part did this ninja not understand? I'd tell him again, "I just want you to lay with me because this is the only day that I don't have to get up to do anything and I just want to enjoy this. I don't want to get up uber early on Saturdays when we don't have too" I had to keep saying that for a lil while until he got it. I had to continue to express my needs and wishes to him and he got it. Patience and repetitiveness. Constant re-evaluation of my communication--Is it clear? Does he understand what I'm asking?

I started to take the same approach with the kids. Though I ain't gonna lie, I really don't like having to say things more than once...idk where I get that from lol. Lawd knows my parents told me the same things  over and over for eons...until I got it? lol

I don't know why I'm writing about this now. Maybe because it's a Tuesday morning and the love for mornings is rekindled. Right now, the kids are at a point where, I don't have to tell them wake up, read for an hour, get dressed, eat breakfast....they can do that on there own. After a year and a half, they are growing. I am growing. All I ask now is did you do what you were supposed to do and they say yes Wee hee! Hallelujah! Breakthru!

I think sometimes in the moment, I think that things are always going to be a certain way forever. Then the emotions arise. I guess that's the drama queen in me. Taking a step back to make sure that I am communicating what it is that I want and just not assuming or thinking that people should know what I want or what I'm going thru, is key. One day at a time.

It is 9 am . They have already showered, dressed, made breakfast, and I didn't say a word. They even asked last night to go to the library to get a new book:) for their reading time. Oh yeah fist pump! Trouble don't last always...ha ha !

Pray for you?!! But I don't even like you!

This Trayvon situation twirls in my mind from time to time. Especially, after we had a conversation  with the kids last night about what to do if someone follows and or chases you. My daughter said, hopefully you dip yourself in white powder and then you'll be okay. She said that to say that white people get away with stuff. Eek I hate that we have to have these conversations but we did our best to communicate that there are some people who still have hate for the black race and vice versa....its rooted in slavery...etc...the talk and whole nine yards.  However, everyone isn't like that. I think we tried to share with the children,  to take every experience for its own moment and not combine them together so that we don't end of with strong hate rooted in us.  We went over basic emergency procedures in situations in which they aren't sure. Sigh, I don't know if it got thru....that's one of the things as a parent that I'm learning. You do your best and pray that it sticks...and then time will tell. Eek, i think i kinda hate that part...cuz i want to be able to control the outcome and what sticks lol. My youngest son, was like "thats a good conversation." He is the most sarcastic one and if he was in my mother's day...he would surely have been toothless by now..with the stuff that he says.


Anyways, this whole case got me thinking about how we are to even pray for those who we think wronged us and or did wrong. Ha! I always say God has a sense of humor!  Let me get this straight, you want me to basically pray for those who I don't like, who erk me,  betray me (Jesus and Judeas),who I have feel have done me wrong and or others wrong?! Man....  I remember thinking oh yeah I can do that. I mean prior to being married, I did it repeatedly. I worked with people I didn't like. I had friends that unfriended  me and I still was kind throughout the process and it evolved, etc. I'm like yeah I can do that. I mean I have smiled with people I know have talked about me behind my back etc. all that. Prayed the best for boyfriends who did me wrong...all that and a bag of chips. I'm thinking I got this principle. Its in the bag.

But ohhhhhhhh I AM NEWLY WED! Things that I thought I had a grip on needed to be revisited. When I dealt with the situation with my husband's ex-wife. I didn't realize how much stuff  I had in me. Lol. I mean I felt like I always had the ghetto Tekeah in me (though no one even believes it)...but it had been dormant for a while. I mean I went in with the intentions of we gonna be cool, praying for her and all, saying hi when being ignored....but this chick wanted no part of it. Like no matter what I did, it didn't work.  I kept trying...I mean even before we were married...I would see her and speak (I did this for years) and she would straight carry me and not speak.  Sit apart from us when we were at the kids games. Lawd!! But I kept smiling but truth is I was building anger inside. On the inside I'm like this ninja just don't know. All these emotions mixed with different situations...her saying stuff in the emails that was just rude and hurtful.  Me, feeling like I have to come back with a thorough rebuttal, because I'm right. I came to the point where I had enough and I took it out of Gods hands... like I got this...I'm quick with words and can cut you like no other (university of pittsburgh education with the combination of being my mother's child is a lethal combination) like umm no prayers for you, I can't stand you. The stuff that she was projecting, the hurt...I was now acting it out which is not me.  Remembering that place, I hated where I was and who I had become.  I was angry at her and even at my husband for making the ill choice of ever marrying her....and i told him so...i'm like what were you thinking! lawd! I was someone other than the bubbly Tekeah. I remember one of the praise team members at my church, pulled my card....with a simple question, "Do you think God loves her?" Tears fell immediately. Cuz,  1. I hated that she asked that question  2. I hated being wrong, 3.I knew the answer without asking God (though I was obedient and still asked), and  4. I knew what that would mean for me. Sigh. I can remember like it was yesterday.

I had to ask God for forgiveness for not doing what I knew to do regardless of what she did or said. I shouldn't have been moved by her actions no matter if they were good or bad. I know the word...but when it got uncomfortable or when I felt like the word wasn't working fast enough or i was getting punked...then it was justified for me to get in my feelings and do what I wanted to do. I asked God for forgiveness. I was reminded of the many times I have done wrong, failed, and God did not just treat me like trash. He stuck to his word. I had to be honest with him, "you know I don't like the way she acts most times..help me and my heart towards her...help me to love her...help me to believe the best about her."  I had to set up a meeting with her and apologize for being combative and for thinking I was better than her...PRIDE.  Because I thought I was better than her...like ninja you sinned and I'm not.  I sincerely apologized. Then in our house, my family,  we prayed for her daily and I said verbally I love her...my family love her...we want the best for her. I think that has helped our relationship transform to be better ..but more importantly..it help me to be in line with making God happy.

I think I am learning... that praying for people you don't like is more for you than it is for them. Its to keep your heart right with God and keep the yucky stuff out so that it doesn't eat you alive. In the case of Zimmerman, I will pray for him too even though I don't like what he did...i can't not allow what he did to transform  me into something I'm not. I can even say in my prayers....Lord you know I dont 'like what he did...but I leave it to you. Help me not to be rooted in anger and vindictiveness and pride because of what I think is right and what I feel he deserves.

I'm learning...

Sunday Morning, Family, Church & Trayvon Martin

Today started off....just weird First of all last night, I had several dreams intertwined that were definitely troublesome. I don't remember all of them but I probably should have written them down when I awoke this morning. The bit that I do remember involved a great uncle that I never met before ( but just heard of)...something related to death.... it was just weird. Next time, I'll try to remember to write my dreams down as soon as I wake up, but I was rushing this morning (which I hate especially when I have to lead Praise and Worship).  I had a little residue of those troublesome dreams but I pressed on. Got myself together, kids, hubby, and had just enough time to feed the dog and the cats (sure which they could feed themselves this morning lol). In the car, I continue to prepare  myself to lead praise and worship for the congregation (I normally replay the song a million times lol...go over and over etc...warm ups.. write notes...i get nervous sometimes)  when I heard the news on the radio that the jury had found George Zimmerman not guilty in the Trayvon Martin case. I screamed in the car. Complete Horror. I saw the look on my husbands face...the instant anger and disappointment. His response was, "I guess I need to tell the boys now that when a white man is chasing them to not defend themselves because they could end up dead and the attacker would go free," etc. I was definitely upset with a flood of emotions, but I told my husband that now isn't the time to have the conversation....with those first emotions of anger....especially with the kids.  I tried to just go on....but I couldn't act like what I had heard hadn't hurt or affected me emotionally.

It did. However, I had a job to do. For my family, I definitely wanted to find a way to talk about it once we, the parents, processed our anger and or other negative feelings so that we can properly present and explain it to our boys and baby girl. I remember my husband saying..."this changes how I have to raise my boys. The outcome of the verdict changes how I have to raise my sons." It was then at that moment ...that I began to think about what song I as going to sing for praise and worship. How the congregation's spirit may be heavy. I just heard God in my spirit say, no matter what, we don't change. Things are going to come and challenge us...but we don't change our beliefs based upon the outcome of the situations. We are spiritually mature and we are not ruled by the things of this world....thats all I heard.  So that's what I went in to lead praise and worship with...those were my words of comfort. We are spiritually mature and we are not moved by the things of this world. There are going to be many injustices in this life...but we can't be moved and change up. Praise and Worship was awesome and I truly sensed that there was garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness.

On the way home from church, my husband and I talked about it some more, as we had diff opinions as it concerned what the sermon should have been about.... i think my husband thought that the church should have addressed it..... I on the other hand, did not feel it was necessary.  So we both gave support for our premise. We articulated our thoughts...and I  must say that I enjoy these moments because discussing it stretches us to think and consider the others point of view.

There are some moments where I have shifts in my thinking...little spurts of change I guess and this was it. I  expressed to him that I feel that the situation with Trayvon Martin is a tragedy and I pray for the family. In the same respect, I honestly don't know what happened...I just know some of the things that were presented and that someone's child is dead because of it. It saddens me and it hurts. God on the other hand is aware of what happened. George Zimmerman is aware of what happened. Trayvon Martin is aware of what happened, however, he is deceased. And so because I don't know all the facts, I can only trust in God in this instance and let Him be the avenger.

Romans 12:17-21 

17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil.j Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.k 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.l 19 Do not take revenge,m my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”d n says the Lord. 20 On the contrary:

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;

if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.

In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”e o

21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

I feel thats the only way to not let a seed of distrust, of hate, and anger take root in me and or in my family....especially my children. I don't want to change the way I raise my children and teach them to distrust....I just don't want that. Of course my husband and I will delve into this deeper probably later on tonight so we can come to an agreement as to how to express this with the kids. But above all, this is a situation out of our control....and in this instance we have to trust God and stand on his word regardless of if the verdict goes against what we feel.  I think we have to demonstrate to our children how to navigate this without a little seed of fear, distrust, hate of another race/justice system, developing in them. I have to try to make sure no seed of anger gets rooted in my husband....as he has had enough experiences of discrimination to begin with.

I have to trust God in this situation, pray for the Martin Family, & even for the Zimmerman Family (eek even though I don't FEEL like it...I'mma still pray). I have to pray for my own family and that I will continue to raise my family to do the things of God and trust him regardless of the injustices that come our way. Sigh.

Sext, Love, & other Drugs

I never really thought about what kind of parent I wanted to be....other than a "cool" mom...who was still fly, still played a a lot, and was relatable to her kids....yup, that about sums it up. Now that I think more about it, the thought about my life as a parent, was so far from the words..."I Do." I just wanted to be with my boo forever and anything that came with him...I was wit it...you know the ride or die chick lol. But now as a mother, I know what kind of mother I strive to be...which is constantly evolving.  My goal is to raise emotionally intelligent, mature, dope people.  I mean I want my kids to be just soooo dope, smart, and aware in every area....but most of all, I want them to take advantage of their opportunities and be aware of the power in their choices. I think most parents want this... we  just have different approaches.....and then this thing called adolescence kicks in with your baby girl....and being the cool mom and other stuff goes out the window...lol.

I remember, as an adolescent saying, how I'm not going to be as a parent."Man, I'm not gonna trip out when I'm a parent, if they don't do their chores, I'mma let them go to the movies anyway......."you guys (my parents) are old...y'all can't relate"....blah blah blah" And then, as an adult, you read a text in your daughter's phone  that says, "nothin much but your @$$ on this dick,"from one of her male friends.  Inside Scream. Quick Composure. Southeast Tekeah (this ninja said what to my daughter!!). Gotta be cool...don't trip trip. All in one millisecond. Lawd a mercy!! Then the flashbacks of all the conversations I had in the car with my parents as an adolescent about boys and deceit and calling my parents old & "you don't understand," comes to mind. Time moves so fast. Now, I'm a parent with a teenage daughter!

Now, I'm the parent that checks social media, texts, instagram...and whatever else. And man, my daughter has way more avenues then I had for boy interaction and secretive communication amongst other thing (I think my parents had it way easier). I'm the parent that openly talks about sex, vaginas, penis's, body functions, body image, healthy eating, drugs,  dreams, perceptions, etc. I actually take information I learn from her social interaction to talk about different subjects....the hot topic right now is boys!   My daughter, who is def cut from a different thread, is shy, pretty, absorbed in social media (who isnt these days), dramatic, and secretive. The stage where your friends know everything and your parents are old and know only what you think they NEED to know.  So I think some times I come across to her as ewww why are we talking about this...but tell me more...but i'mma act like im not listening. I'm definitely not the cool parent that I envisioned myself being as of yet. Lol. Not the cool parent at all.

I don't know if I will be....right now, I do what I sense and feel is right. If that means checking her phone going thru text messages, having the talks where I have to be called old (which omg is mind-blowing...payback is something else...def reaping what I sowed to my parents)...I do it. I don't want her to make any of the decisions I made and the only way is to pray and show her that she has choices....empower her to make the best decisions for her life.

My approach is to challenge her to think differently and to not see things as just black and white. So we talk...sometimes she's engaged sometimes she's not....but I still talk. To her I'm not cool (Drats), but I'm weird because I talk about stuff her other parents don't really go into detail about. I talk to her about dating. My experiences...positive and negative.  Sometimes sigh...I'm tired.....this is for the birds...and then I read a text that she inquires if the guy is a virgin....how many times he's had sex and I smile. Knowing those questions came from one of our conversations about virgins and the different kinds of "virgins" and that you shouldn't be afraid to ask questions.  So growth. I'll take it. Though, I still want to be a cool mom.....i guess I'm still working in that area too. The journey continues....

U Gone Learn Today!

I've always been eager to learn and I'm always seeking information to improve... rather its myself or others. I mean always.  Rather its reading a book, engaged in a convo, going to trainings, art, physical activity, etc. whatever...im seeking to gain something from everything. I really love learning:) (yes, geeks unite). I went to college to study behavior and received my master's in social work (MSW).  Here lately, I've been thinking if my MSW is also my crutch, my defense mechanism,...my way to protect myself. 

You see, a part of my training is to look for patterns and connect the behavior to thinking feelings.blah, blah, blah. In evaluating my relationships, I seek people who's patterns I can predict.  Most of the people in my life, I tend to know the pattern, know their inconsistencies, most times lol. I married my husband because he's most consistent in being him. He's also a lot like my father, who's consistent to a fault at being him lol.  They're predictable people. I know their patterns. My mother, I know her pattern as irrational as it can be at times lol...i know it and so I make my decisions, as it concerns her, based upon my collection of data on her patterns. My friends, I tend to know their patterns, how they would respond. My kids. Lawd, what's the pattern!! lol! (I'll come back to that). People, who I see, as having a pattern that could harm me in the end, I avoid, or have a barrier up to protect me.

I love patterns and behavior. I love predictability. I love cause and effect. If i can predict what's going to happen or how I think a person is going to respond then I can prepare. If I can prepare then I can safe guard myself against being hurt. I can feel safe and not have surprise jabs of pain. I, in some respects, have some control over the outcome. I think this thinking is a safety technique, a defense, in a certain regard....and guess who is teaching me this, my kids!

Yes, kids have a way of magnifying your issues of improvement, highlighting your errors,  and challenging you to become better. Of course, I didn't see it like that at first. They have and are teaching me that I am/was rigid in some respects and lacked flexibility as it concerned adjusting to people changing their patterns. Because initially during the first months/year of being married, I experienced a lot of grief from them and from their mom, I put up a wall. You can't get close to me, and I don't want to get close to you, because you showed me, via your pattern, that you want to hurt me.  That and the fact that I could not wrap my mind totally around the exact pattern of my children.  Children are the most unpredictable people lol. One day we could be smooth sailing...the next day they would come in with attitudes....and I'm like Lawd, what is going on. Definitely, a wrench in some things. Most of all, I realized I didn't feel safe because at any point I could be made fun of (which they often do and still do...tho its lessoned significantly) or rejected. EEk! So you talking a major shift! Remember my equation  predictability = safety.... unpredictability = unsafe. 

What a lesson. What a shift.  I am reworking some things...where I  am learning to be in the moment, without armor on, to be vulnerable, and flexible.  Tearing down the very walls that I used for saftey...To take patterns for moments in time and not etch them in stone....its work....and people change and do sporadic things to. I am changing...sometimes i'm kicking and screaming at the same time...I AM NEWLY WED lol!  My kids are showing me that and for that I am grateful. I'm not one that has it all together...but I am willing to learn and become better. They are teaching me...in the words of Kevin Hart...U gonna learn today!

Here's a clip from yesterday. My boys came up with a routine to ask me to take them to the movies to see Despicable Me 2. It caught me so off guard I had them do it again so I could record it. It inspired the content for this blog and reminded me to expect change and the unexpected. It made me so happy to see this and witness this change. I don't think I would have been open to receive this if I was stuck on their previous "pattern."  Check it out!

And Despicable Me 2 was good!!

The Huxtables & The Smiths vs. The Masons

Yesterday, the kids returned for their one day during the week. This is my second summer getting used to the summer schedule: 1 day out of the week and every other weekend, we have the kids. During the school year it's the exact opposite. Definitely an adjustment. But today was a better transition day....and this is a positive.

I think, after a year and some change, I'm finally coming to terms with accepting the differences between my fantasy/dreamy family and the kind of family I have right now. When I first thought about "being married," I was in the 8th or 9th grade.  My dreams of walking down the aisle, loving my husband, us raising children together, all that started in junior high school. Over the years, my children's names changed (ha ha my first child's name used to be Quamika) and the style of wedding dress changed (i originally wanted a halter wedding gown lol) but certain things I carried with me...and still carry with me. My ideal family was the Huxtables from the Cosby Show. Yeah they had  family issues on the show, but the ending was always happy...the Huxtables ended the show in the bed...and despite the punishments, the  kids knew that their parents loved them. Somewhere in my psyche that family with no major challenges lives in my brain.

Fast forward to my life, I don't have the family that's homegrown. I did not physically birth my children, although I am assisting my husband with raising them. Their mother is active in their life and they have consistent contact with her. Yet, the Huxtables live in  my mind...that mixed with my love for Jada Pinkett  Smith and Will Smith who have a blended family who actually have relationship with one another. I'm like I'mma be like them and I'mma a be friends with  my husband's ex-wife and we are going to get along and be the ultimate team. Plus, I'm a woman of faith and a therapist.  I know what's best for the kids...that all of their parents get along and live in harmony.

Shattered. Disillusioned. Angry.Frustrated.  Inside Screams. I awoke and realized that my fantasy dreamy family wasn't the family I had. I still work hard to come to grips with that on a day to day basis....one day at a time. It's gotten better but not until I accepted or embraced what I had.  I have my best friend, my husband, who I love and has been an ear as we grow in this thing together. I have an ex-wife who is upset that another person, me, is playing the mommy figure and it played out in her wanting to control  her children 24/7 even when they weren't in her care.  I became the "enemy" to her and thus, to the children.  Children caught in the middle of living in one house and operating from the instructions of a mom outside of the house. But guess who still wanted to be her friend and I tried. Then I became angry when I was constantly rejected by both her and the children, and  in the process, I had to be right in everything, because she had become my enemy, etc. and so on and so on. But that was then....a lot has changed.

But alas, I am here. There have been some improvements along the way, but still there's work to be done. We are not best of buddies by any means, but we have better interactions. I understand now that my family is unique and I can't always control the outcomes. My husband and I spent the first year really learning how to handle dealing with an outside entity.  We learned how to truly communicate as 1 and how to include each other in everything. We made agreements to not say anything concrete until we speak with one another. While going thru it...it wasn't fun at all...but now, seeing some of the changes, I realize that we have become closer and more effective because of it. Even the kids and the ex-wife have said at times..."you have to talk to Ma-T (what the kids call me) about it."...or "talk to Tekeah and let me know."

I don't have the family I dreamed about the Huxtables or the Smiths, but I do have the Masons.






I am shedding the fantasy and embracing the reality of  my life...learning and creating what works best for us.

Here's to a good day in the transition. My dream is becoming my own.

Old Friendships, New Friendships,& Marriage

I was having the usual date night (Tuesday nights) with the boo and we were talking about friends and being married. More so, I was talking about friends, as I've been in a funk since coming to the realization that since becoming married...my friendships have changed. I think sometimes I just keep going and going and never stop to realize the changes until they just crash like a ton of bricks on my head. Not necessarily the eureka moment that I wanted. In talking with my boo, I  finally admitted that I am hurt. Actually, I didn't admit it. It wasn't until tears rolled down my eyes ...that combined with me looking away and him saying, " wow i don't know what its like to have friends  that you care that much that you cry,"that I actually acknowledged that I am hurt.  The tears fell when I said these words to him, "I feel abandoned."

Those words sting coming out as well as me typing them. But they are my true feelings. I know I was not ready for the shift in relationships. The shift  that some things I wouldn't be able to do because of the responsibilities of being married. The shift in sometimes I just wouldn't be invited because I am married and the assumption that I couldn't come anyway. The lessoning of weekly conversations. The shift that when I hang out...my conversation seems to revolve around family....eww i've really become a grown up. When did this all happen. Why am I talking about my kids....just feel old.  I could go on and on. All of those things hurt. Not to mention the process of finding new friends as an adult is a bit awkward. Like how does one go about entering the marriage circle  crew with folks who already have bonds, been married  for eons, etc. "hello my name is Tekeah...uhhh?"

I guess I just feel lost and a loss.  I miss hanging out with my friends, yet I dont' feel comfortable talking to them about all the feelings I have about marriage and the stuff that goes on (you know the juicy stuff). I don't want to taint their view on marriage or heighten sexual feelings. I want to protect them. Yet, I don't want to share everything with my husband because he feels responsible for everything....and sometimes I just want to talk it out. And then finding new couples or new friends to hang out with....whose schedule works with yours etc...and are compatible... who you can trust wowzers.

In a nutshell, friendships have changed....I don't know if its on purpose or if its a part of the transition. I know I just don't like it and reminds me of feeling like an outcast and memories from growing up. I want to be included and I want to gain more friends, both married and single.

Here's a pic from one of our date nights:).... who knew date nights could be so emotional lol

I AM NEWLY WED...

For the last couple of days, my emotions have been a world-wind. High, Low, frustrated, angry, happy, grateful, etc...I mean, really, a world-wind. I can't really put my finger on it...on the point of origin...all  I can say is that I AM NEWLY WED!  Am I blaming my marriage for this emotional uproar...no. I have a wonderful stupendous handsome and supportive husband and children (though they frequently get on my nerves...and I do mean frequently). I am coming to understand that the transition from one state to another, from single to marriage, from care of self to care of family, from individual dreams to family dreams, is an adjustment. I don't think I realized how it would affect me, but I realize  now that I'm changing, both growing and resisting the process that comes with transitioning in this phase in life. I also realized that I don't have a true outlet other than my husband.  He is truly my best friend in every sense of the word. I tell him everything, which is good and bad too. Sometimes I just need to vent, but most times he wants to fix it. He's a good man, what can I say.  So I figured I'd use this to express my changes, my feelings,  of being Newly Wed.  I am brutally honest and will just be expressing the rawness of my experiences and emotions. Some may have a positive note, some may not...who knows..just know that its honest.

Below is a picture of my family. My husband and I married November 19, 2011 and in holy matrimony  ( I always wanted to say that lol), I joined him and his 3 beautiful children (did I mention they get on my nerves frequently lol). Meet the Masons:)