Yesterday, the kids returned for their one day during the week. This is my second summer getting used to the summer schedule: 1 day out of the week and every other weekend, we have the kids. During the school year it's the exact opposite. Definitely an adjustment. But today was a better transition day....and this is a positive.
I think, after a year and some change, I'm finally coming to terms with accepting the differences between my fantasy/dreamy family and the kind of family I have right now. When I first thought about "being married," I was in the 8th or 9th grade. My dreams of walking down the aisle, loving my husband, us raising children together, all that started in junior high school. Over the years, my children's names changed (ha ha my first child's name used to be Quamika) and the style of wedding dress changed (i originally wanted a halter wedding gown lol) but certain things I carried with me...and still carry with me. My ideal family was the Huxtables from the Cosby Show. Yeah they had family issues on the show, but the ending was always happy...the Huxtables ended the show in the bed...and despite the punishments, the kids knew that their parents loved them. Somewhere in my psyche that family with no major challenges lives in my brain.
Fast forward to my life, I don't have the family that's homegrown. I did not physically birth my children, although I am assisting my husband with raising them. Their mother is active in their life and they have consistent contact with her. Yet, the Huxtables live in my mind...that mixed with my love for Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith who have a blended family who actually have relationship with one another. I'm like I'mma be like them and I'mma a be friends with my husband's ex-wife and we are going to get along and be the ultimate team. Plus, I'm a woman of faith and a therapist. I know what's best for the kids...that all of their parents get along and live in harmony.
Shattered. Disillusioned. Angry.Frustrated. Inside Screams. I awoke and realized that my fantasy dreamy family wasn't the family I had. I still work hard to come to grips with that on a day to day basis....one day at a time. It's gotten better but not until I accepted or embraced what I had. I have my best friend, my husband, who I love and has been an ear as we grow in this thing together. I have an ex-wife who is upset that another person, me, is playing the mommy figure and it played out in her wanting to control her children 24/7 even when they weren't in her care. I became the "enemy" to her and thus, to the children. Children caught in the middle of living in one house and operating from the instructions of a mom outside of the house. But guess who still wanted to be her friend and I tried. Then I became angry when I was constantly rejected by both her and the children, and in the process, I had to be right in everything, because she had become my enemy, etc. and so on and so on. But that was then....a lot has changed.
But alas, I am here. There have been some improvements along the way, but still there's work to be done. We are not best of buddies by any means, but we have better interactions. I understand now that my family is unique and I can't always control the outcomes. My husband and I spent the first year really learning how to handle dealing with an outside entity. We learned how to truly communicate as 1 and how to include each other in everything. We made agreements to not say anything concrete until we speak with one another. While going thru it...it wasn't fun at all...but now, seeing some of the changes, I realize that we have become closer and more effective because of it. Even the kids and the ex-wife have said at times..."you have to talk to Ma-T (what the kids call me) about it."...or "talk to Tekeah and let me know."
I don't have the family I dreamed about the Huxtables or the Smiths, but I do have the Masons.
I am shedding the fantasy and embracing the reality of my life...learning and creating what works best for us.
Here's to a good day in the transition. My dream is becoming my own.
I think, after a year and some change, I'm finally coming to terms with accepting the differences between my fantasy/dreamy family and the kind of family I have right now. When I first thought about "being married," I was in the 8th or 9th grade. My dreams of walking down the aisle, loving my husband, us raising children together, all that started in junior high school. Over the years, my children's names changed (ha ha my first child's name used to be Quamika) and the style of wedding dress changed (i originally wanted a halter wedding gown lol) but certain things I carried with me...and still carry with me. My ideal family was the Huxtables from the Cosby Show. Yeah they had family issues on the show, but the ending was always happy...the Huxtables ended the show in the bed...and despite the punishments, the kids knew that their parents loved them. Somewhere in my psyche that family with no major challenges lives in my brain.Fast forward to my life, I don't have the family that's homegrown. I did not physically birth my children, although I am assisting my husband with raising them. Their mother is active in their life and they have consistent contact with her. Yet, the Huxtables live in my mind...that mixed with my love for Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith who have a blended family who actually have relationship with one another. I'm like I'mma be like them and I'mma a be friends with my husband's ex-wife and we are going to get along and be the ultimate team. Plus, I'm a woman of faith and a therapist. I know what's best for the kids...that all of their parents get along and live in harmony.
Shattered. Disillusioned. Angry.Frustrated. Inside Screams. I awoke and realized that my fantasy dreamy family wasn't the family I had. I still work hard to come to grips with that on a day to day basis....one day at a time. It's gotten better but not until I accepted or embraced what I had. I have my best friend, my husband, who I love and has been an ear as we grow in this thing together. I have an ex-wife who is upset that another person, me, is playing the mommy figure and it played out in her wanting to control her children 24/7 even when they weren't in her care. I became the "enemy" to her and thus, to the children. Children caught in the middle of living in one house and operating from the instructions of a mom outside of the house. But guess who still wanted to be her friend and I tried. Then I became angry when I was constantly rejected by both her and the children, and in the process, I had to be right in everything, because she had become my enemy, etc. and so on and so on. But that was then....a lot has changed.
But alas, I am here. There have been some improvements along the way, but still there's work to be done. We are not best of buddies by any means, but we have better interactions. I understand now that my family is unique and I can't always control the outcomes. My husband and I spent the first year really learning how to handle dealing with an outside entity. We learned how to truly communicate as 1 and how to include each other in everything. We made agreements to not say anything concrete until we speak with one another. While going thru it...it wasn't fun at all...but now, seeing some of the changes, I realize that we have become closer and more effective because of it. Even the kids and the ex-wife have said at times..."you have to talk to Ma-T (what the kids call me) about it."...or "talk to Tekeah and let me know."
I am shedding the fantasy and embracing the reality of my life...learning and creating what works best for us.
No comments:
Post a Comment