Don't Cross the Line In Marriage...

As a single woman, I had so many boundaries of do's and dont's. I had lists upon lists as to what line I would cross as well as the things that were forbidden. I remember when I first had the eureka moment that I could no longer spend the night over a male's house who was attracted to me....forget those attracted to me... plainly, I couldn't spend the night over a man's house who had a penis..lol. My spending night was solely for cuddling, whereas them having me over was to cuddle but to ultimately lead to the bedroom. Lessons learned. Needless to say, I created boundaries in my life for protection and safety.   I  also didn't date guys who were liberal with alcohol because I wasn't a drinker and it def wasn't sexy to me. I was already dealing with family who dealt with alcoholism, and so me choosing to date someone who had the same problem, just seemed like an additional headache. Sorry,  dealing with my family is enough.

So that's what I did. What I do. I create lines and boundaries for protection....for safety.  I look at past behaviors and patterns and create a framework for how I will handle you. It keeps me safe and then I know what to expect. I say that for the most part, the boundaries and lines that I created for myself did what they were supposed to do; they safe guarded me.

It's just this one thing........ummmmmmm....I'm married.

What I find now, is that some of the boundaries and lines that I've put up are no longer relevant. They don't apply, yet, some of the blocks are still up. It's funny how you don't realize you still have them up until your mate does something to try to penetrate the wall.

For example,  take the previous situation during my singlehood about cuddling = sex.  I still like to cuddle. JUST CUDDLE.  I love sex too, but I view the two separately. My hubby likes to cuddle too...but he likes to cuddle to HAVE SEX.  So when we were first married,  I was like, you just want to hold me to have sex. I didn't realize at that time but his holding me to have sex triggered my past feeling of feeling used (singlehood).  He would say, you don't want to have sex. So how do you figure out which cuddle times are just CUDDLE times (me) and  what times are CUDDLE + SEX times (him). LOL. I know right.

So in essence, I had to reconstruct some boundaries and allow myself to be completely vulnerable to the man I chose to be my husband for the rest of my life on this earth. I started this process by having conversations with him during times when we were just kicking it (i.e. chilling out). I don't think you want to have these conversations during tense situations...but that's just my thought.


And these conversations allowed the walls to come down. Now, some of these conversations are on-going, but the willingness to reconstruct the boundaries and the lines in your relationship is the key.

Overall, I think lines and boundaries should exist in all relationships; however, figuring out which
ones to keep, reconstruct, and eliminate is essential in your marriage.

5 Ways to to Deal with the "Other Woman" While You're Married!

Two popular shows, Scandal and I Am Mary Jane,  seem to have taken the world and social media by storm. Now, I can't speak for I Am Mary Jane as I've never seen the show...but Scandal is def on my list of shows  that I watch each season it returns (along with The Walking Dead, etc. lol). The two share this common thread of steamy affairs and intelligent and attractive mistresses. There seems to be  a trend of glamorizing cheating while desensitizing the world on the thought of affairs and mistresses.   I was having a conversation with some friends about mistresses, side chicks, bottom (female dogs), etc. ...in which they hipped me to this class system that I didn't even know existed.....guess you learn something new everyday. 

But you know what, I think the producer's of these shows, miss out on a particular "other woman" in marriages and in relationships. It's the "other woman" that I know all too well and am also still learning. The "other woman" that I must deal with as a result of having a blended family.

Let's talk about that "other woman." The "other woman" who is involved in your life because she had children with your husband or mate.

Now, when I first got married "the other woman"was havoc and I really didn't now how to deal with it. I was coming from hey...i want to be your friend and she was coming from, I want nothing to do with you.  Needless, to say the road was rocky. So here's my bit on what I've learned thus far about dealing with another woman while you're married/relationship....

1. You and your husband are one. You are a team.
Most marriages take some years before functioning on this level, but my husband and I had to learn how to function as 1 within in the first 6 months of our relationship  or it would have been in shambles. Splitting (playing one side against each other) is very common in blended families. It can can come from the children and or the other woman.

2. Communicate as one to the "other woman."
This takes a lot of practice and patience.  This means that before you respond to any e-mail, request, or questions from the other woman/man, that you have a conversation with your partner.  We created a phrase for when things are asked of us: "I will get back to you, after I talk with my husband/wife." Not only does this communicate oneness, but it eliminates confusion.

3. Document agreements and arrangements.
When you have a relationship that is strained, it is easy to say one thing, but hear another.  My mother taught me one of the most valuable lessons that has helped me so much in life, "You can't refute what's in black and white." In essence, that means that once you put something in writing and that person agrees... you can always go back to it as a reference point....and it lessons emotional responses.

4. Remember, they are not you.
I believe one of the number one fallacy's that had my husband and I stuck for a little while in dealing with another woman is expecting her to deal with situations the same we would. She is not not us and vice versa.  We are only responsible for our actions and have to divorce ourselves from how she may choose to deal with things. A wise man once told me, our response is our responsibility. A wise woman once told me, don't let another person just chill in your brain...they are taking up space.

5. Keep your relationship PRIORITY.
Although having children is a major part of our lives and  another woman is a part of that life, our  marriage relationship is separate and only 2nd  to our  personal relationships with God.

How Much Should You Change For Your Mate?!

I know the declarations I made in my pre-marital state. I'mma be this way, I'mma do this, etc. My interests premaritally were  on me .... how I wanted to look and or wanted to be.  Now that I'm married, I still have some of those same thoughts of how I want to look, be, and or things I want to do.... however there is great consideration and submission to my husband.

I thought about this as I was preparing to get a new hairstyle last weekend. I wanted a change from the weaves. I wanted something different, but I just didn't know what. I talked to my husband about some options: braids, etc. I showed him pics of what I was considering and  he didn't like quite a few. In the end, I didn't get a hairstyle that he didn't like.

Some may think uhh, it's just a hairstyle.... And it is. More than that, it is an expression of my love for him. I understand that I represent more than myself and I am his wife. I aim to please him :) in every way that I can.  Now don't get me wrong we have our artistic differences  like the time when I wanted to run to the   store in short gym shorts and  thigh high muggle socks and a winter coat.....  Lol.. Yeah I tried. It happens. But overall I have made changes for my man because the consideration is no longer "just about me" but it's about him and how it will affect our relationship.

People  may disagree with me...but I firmly believe that when you're married you should change for your mate. I believe that your core values should already line up before marrying so I so think the changes that take place shouldn't be that life altering.

It's a part my of wife description to know my man... Likes and dislikes.... And for me sometimes that may mean changes.  I don't think it makes you a weak person, I believe it's such a great demonstration of love.... Considering "us" before me.

What are your thoughts on this?!

Before 

After 

"If You Want Me to Hate Her I Will"

I saw this movie eons ago....yet,  hearing the quote, "If You Want me to Hate Her I Will," is still heart-wrenching as when I first heard it. Well,  welcome to the story of my life. Now, I don't know if my kids have specifically asked this question of their mom, but what I do know, is that they take their cues from their biological mother as it concerns how they should treat me.

 If the parent is okay with the other parent moving on, then the children will be okay. If they are not, then....they won't.

I can recall when I began dating my husband. The youngest would say, "yeah, my mother talks about you. " Then I dealt with it head on when I would see her and she ignored my salutations.  "Hello." No response. Not only would she ignore my greetings, if we were attending a basketball game with the children she would sit somewhere else. Even when we took her daughter with us on our family vacation, the 6 year old said, "yeah, my mother's doesn't like Mr. Tron." I made no comment though it was awful.  All of this, I couldn't understand it.  Especially because I wanted to have a great relationship with my husband's ex-wife.....just for the simple reason of it being the best for the children.  I didn't  want them to feel like they had to act one way in front of their mother and another way when she wasn't around. I've never wanted children to feel torn between parents. It actually got worse before it got better.... there's been a little improvement but, there is still stuff that goes on that burns me up....

One of the things that really highlighted just how deeply rooted we affect the thoughts and feelings of our children toward's others was when I read an apology letter from my daughter.  She had gotten in trouble for something and she wrote me an apology letter and then at the end she said, love your daughter.   I can't tell you how happy I was to read that....but then days later I revisited the letter
only to find that the, the love your daughter, was crossed out. My heart sunk. I asked her about it...and she told me that she crossed it out because if her mother found out or read it, her mother would be upset with her. I told her that I'm sorry that is the case and just shared my heart with her.  I told her that I am not her mother and am not here to replace her mother. However, I am a bonus mother. It saddens me to hear the anguish of children feeling like they have to choose....and or deny feelings so that their parent won't be angry and or disappointed with them. I have always been conscious of my influence on my children... even when I strongly disagree and or dislike something the ex-wife does, I don't discuss it in front of my children. I don't talk bad about her. My gripes are discussed privately with my husband. I think we must do a better job at protecting our children as what we say do and act have supreme influence.

When I think about it, I think I learned this from my mother. My birth father did not play an active role in my life, yet, she did not bad mouth him or make him out to be an enemy. She shared about him (hobbies, etc) and allowed me to form my own thoughts and perceptions about him. I get my dancing and singing from him, lol. I am thankful to my mother for that....for allowing me to develop my own thoughts and feelings based upon my experience and or lack of experience with him.

I think every parent who has children from a past relationship should realize the power and influence that they have on their children feeling's toward's their parents, be it biological and or step-parents. More specifically, even if you don't like them as a person, learn to separate your past relationship from the parenting relationship.....carrying over old stuff into your kid's relationship with their parents just ain't right....not to mention while your tainting the image of the parent...your also tainting the image your child.....

What are your thoughts on this?