I wish I could say that I'm the most perfect wife...and that I do almost everything right....but I can't...I really wish I could but I can't. I wish I could say that I even knew why I act the way I do in real time moments, but most times I don't. I'm what you call a slow processor...I normally get "it" after the fact.....the chief analyzer. So most times I won't respond in the moment....but maybe a day or so later...or there are sometimes where I will respond in the moment. Guess it depends on the weather lol.
Like yesterday. Tuesday is our normal date night and it was going well until.... well, I felt left out of a conversation that my husband had with our daughter. One thing I can't stand is feeling left out. Anyways, when superman says he had a talk with Belle...and i ask oh how'd it go?...his response is, it went well. So I prod more...because "it went well" tells me nothing and then he shuts down on me. So I expressed my feelings, " i don't like it when..... i feel...you know, the express your feelings jib. Regroup and move on. So we had fun during our dinner...we sought to either bless a couple or our waiter. We decided on the waiter and so we blessed him really well. Giving always puts us in a good mood. So as we're headed out, I start playing, putting my finger in his ear etc. To make a long story short, I wanted to bite him on his nose (lol it's a love nibble, not too hard, tho I have once before, bitten him too hard...but i 've learned)...and he was like ummm no i don't like it. And for some reason I just had to nibble on his nose ....my way of professing my love, but he wouldn't let me. He nibbles my nose all the time...mainly because he knows I love it...this is prob TMI...but oh well. Needless to say, he was like love shouldn't cause pain ....and that my love is wrong. Ok. Volcano erupts. IAMNEWLYWED. I am done for the night. I go to sleep angry. Wake up angry. He wants to talk. I don't. I want to run. I bake cookies. He wants to talk. I don't.
There are even moments where I actually want to let go and talk. I don't. I hold on. I was telling a colleague today about the situation and how I knew I was wrong...and I knew this issue was not the source of my anger. It's funny that I actually didn't have peaceful sleep because superman wouldn't let me nibble on his nose. I battled with rationalizing that it was because he said my love was wrong....but in actuality thats not even it. Its not it at all. I know I probably should have journaled all of my emotions before seeing superman yesterday evening. My anger started long before he even got home. It started with the result of a pregnancy test. Only one stripe, not two. Thoughts of being a failure because in spite of all the information I consumed about pregnancy, the test read only one stripe. Period is late, but one stripe. I've had many dreams of pregnancy all this month. Only one stripe.
So in essence, I used my husband to unleash all the anger I could. I woke up angry and wanted to scratch his eyeballs out.....though he was not the reasoning behind the anger. Then I was disappointed with myself for being so angry and mean to him on today. Sometimes the ones closest to it reap the harvest of seeds that haven't even sowed. I'm guilty. I'm sorry for not connecting my feelings earlier.
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