I'm Dating a Married Man! #Gluttony

A month or so ago I purchased a married man some tickets to an event called, #Gluttony, that was hosted by a premiere supper club called Arcane.  He did not know what to expect and neither did I but we went and had a blast. The concept, the artistry, the food, the fashion, the people....just awesome. I even saw Mr. White from Breaking Bad in the building. Everything was seamed together perfectly and then there was the music.

The music gave me life.  I was so in love with the DJ's mixes and I was also in love with the way this married man was watching me on the dance floor. I was oblivious to another man that  was watching me as well. He later proceeded to dance with me while I was slow winding to a reggae song. I watched as the married man watched the guy try to dance with me and then I noticed that the married man had walked away.

Hmm...I came there with the married man. Nonetheless, I danced a little with the guy, but kept my distance as reggae can become intense. The guy eventually got the message and walked off.

Later on I saw the married guy again watching me and so I went up to him and danced with him. I was like where did you go...he went to go get more food. I thought he was gonna save me when I was dancing with the other guy but instead he laughed and told me he thought it was funny...after all, he knows me.

Yes, this married man knows me all too well. I am his wife. Most importantly, I am his wife and yet I am still dating him and exploring our relationship. Now, I don't think we've ever been in a situation like that before ...a guy tries to grind or whatever...nor have we ever talked about what we do in that situation... but the fact that he was at ease and said "I know you." had me beaming the entire night. It's nothing like your man being confident and secure in what he has in his woman.  So yeah, I'm dating a married man:) and I'm loving every minute of it.

Husband or Job (Career Expansion)?

There are some situations that you just don't see coming.....especially the one I experienced last week.  So here's the skinny. In pursuing one of my jobs as an independent consultant teaching zumba classes, I came across an opportunity that seemed as if it was perfect. It was a perfect location, would expand my business, and bring in major dough (i.e money). So, I thought, awesome. All along the way, I'd discuss my thoughts with my husband and get his take as I don't commit to stuff without his input or discussing it with him....especially when our decisions affect the household. We are a team and everyone needs to know what all team players are doing. It's like playing volley ball on the same team, and then you guys are both going for the ball, but both stop short thinking the other person is going to get it. I always hated when that happened. So that's why we communicate before we commit.

Getting back to the situation....so the deal was going somewhat well and then it came time to sign the contract. Now, instead of signing the contract in the office, I told the person that  I would be taking the contract home to also review it with my husband. When I tell you this guy, went off...he went off.  I guess it was his trigger, me discussing the contract over with, as he put it, a "third party."  A person once told me that your response in intense situations are locators of who you really are.  So during that situation I told him a couple of things.... 1.  My husband and I are a team. 2. I have every right to ponder over a legal document before signing it.  3. He doesn't have to agree with me I just ask he respect my family (talking about my husband "nit picky," etc. is offffffff limits).

Needless to say, although he forwarded me the contract that same evening after going off on me, I declined the contract. I realize that I truly value my family and my husband over a lucrative job offer. It's funny because I didn't realize it right then until my husband said, Wow you love me that much.  I think the moral of this story ...if there is one....sometimes it's not in the things that we say but it's in  the unexpected moments that our love is demonstrated to our loved ones.

Swagged out/!!

I can't believe it's Tuesday...I really like to purge on Mondays lol...but I sat down to write and then ended up working and doing everything else except what I had intended to do. Surely, I know I'm not the only one that this has happened to lol... Well alas! I get a moment to reflect.

So this past weekend, the kiddies returned...and sometimes when they come back from the weekend it's almost like a roll of the dice. You just never know what your gonna get.   But this weekend was fairly cool. I'm learning that no matter how they come (no matter the mood) that it's important for me to be consistent..anyways, I digress.

 Back to this past weekend. Now, out of my three children the one who has the most mouth....is my middle son who's 12 years old. I won't say his name, as he is a kid of "swag," lol and me saying his name would "take away from his coolness/swag" I'm sure lol and it would embarrass him.  Nonetheless, he's the one who just has to be right or has to have the last word, no matter if he's right or wrong. I guess a christian, faith-filled, therapist, positive soul singer, shouldn't say that he makes me wanna decapitate him sometimes.... But who am I fooling...lol...God already knows. LOL!

But this weekend, I had to pat myself on the back and note some growth. So for the purpose of this blog, my middle son's name throughout this blog will be "Swag."  So Swag  comes home in a relatively good mood and I'm in a good mood too because  I sold all my G.I.G cookies (www.greenteasoul.com). Excuse the shameless plug.  So just chillin and having fun, I decide to make it rain (throw money in the air) and of course the boys grab up the money and high tail it. We call em back..and  somewhere Swag says Ma-T doesn't buy us anything except candy from the $1 store. I responded oh really...like the house you live in, the clothes on our back..yadda yadda.  He's like, Dad pays for it...or something like that. I was like, really. But unlike before....I let it roll off my back. Before I would have had the verbal artillery cocked, loaded, and fired like an automatic machine gun.... but I didn't I just kept it moving. Wee hee high five for me!

It did show me how little, children comprehend, and how much they take things for granted. I think that in the beginning of our  marriage, that it was the biggest sticking point for me....I felt they were unappreciative and took things for granted....complete shock. bwhahahahaa!! Now that I'm looking back, ha ha, most kids are unappreciative and or feel that parents are doing what they "supposed" to do. But I realize that I was looking through the lenses of my past,  growing up in the hood and so close to poverty.  I'm thinking, these ninjas got a nerve to be ungrateful when they're children who don't have it like this.  I'm bending over backwards to increase our money and I get sass lol.....sounding like my mother lol....and everything other parent of I've heard.

But what do my kids know....they've never experienced any different....they don't know about southeast dc and the things that can come with it. They've never experienced how it was or how  it could be, they just know how it is. Could I be angry that they have  it better then how I had it growing up and to put icing on the cake,  they don't appreciate it....pause. nahhhh...lol

So I'm patting myself on the back for not tripping out and not feeling like I had to convince a 12 year old, who pays the bills around here. Whats the use of trying to rationalize with a 12 year old...none at this point.

"What I Have to Do"

Today's a beautiful day. I did a little bit of work here and there, worked out, went to my favorite place (the library.....tryna see if the last season of "The Wire" has come in lol) and lounged in the pool reading a book....and capped it off with being naked for the rest of the day (I know TMI but WINNING). The house is quiet, with the exception of the hum of the air conditioning. I'm in a relatively good place.  I have a lot thoughts to process just from this past weekend...so I'll definitely be writing up some stuff soon....but not right now. Right now, I 'm enjoying every aspect of today. I don't know when I did this last...just stopped and savored the moments of the day.

I've  spent so much time over the past week or so complaining about feeling like I "have to" work my part-time job.  I've come to the realization that I don't like to "have to do" anything.... the "having to do stuff," is a turn off.  I'm a free bird and "having to do" something...feels like I'm being caged/trapped. Actually, my husband helped me come to that conclusion and he even had anecdotes  to illustrate his points. Oh, how I love a man who can support a premise lol. I digress.  Anyways, ironically, I just recently accepted that as a grown up, lol, there are things that I "have to do." So over the last couple of days, I've changed my disposition....instead of complaining (I actually got tired of hearing myself)... I'm focusing on the positives and the things I have and like about my part-time job and the opportunities it has afforded me. I think continuously  talking negatively about a situation...makes you feel worse then what it really is. Instead, I'm thanking God and appreciating where I am.  Appreciating the process to get to where I'd like to be. Ha Ha (i just LOL'd) I'm maturing. One day at a time. I'm really working on having my joy about life be set---- unchangeable.... no matter what comes my way. I'm working hard at not rushing this life process...but enjoying the moments day by day.

So today I'm not on the go...I'm chillin...and I'm bout to enjoy my naked moments...literally and figuratively...and get back in the pool!

What is that you do again?!!

 Just last week, a person asked me, what I did for a living. The answer is not the usual one answer. The answer goes... well I'm a group exercise instructor, a baker,  a singer/songwriter, post-adoption researcher/Homestudy, writer, etc. Prior to asking me that question, they asked my husband the same one and they got one  answer,  a computer engineer. When this questioned is asked, my husband and I, take a deep breath,look at each other, then I give my long answer coupled with "oh, I'm a praise and worship leader too ."  I should have added mother and wife too....I'll add that next time lol.

I do a lot of things as my goal is to do the things that bring me joy and put forth effort to eliminate the things that don't.  I got that from reading the books written by the Delaney sisters:) In 2010, I retired from being a full time social worker to focus on my happiness and pursue my music full time.  Within that time period, I lost 48 lbs, was writing and recording my new album,  became a group exercise instructor, weight watchers leader, etc. Then in 2011, I added wife and mother to the list. 

Which brings me here. I am a singer/songwriter. I've been singing since I can remember and I've been pursuing music professionally since 2004. I have a total of 5 albums out, under the moniker (Green Tea) which has now changed to GREENTEASOUL.  In 2011, I became a wife/mother, with a husband and 3 children, 2 cats, and 1 dog.  My biggest challenge was how to do both without feeling guilty about sacrificing something in one or the other. I'm still working on that. Its definitely a balancing act. Music takes time, energy, and money (we have a separate budget for Green Tea and I sell G.I.G cookies to cover my music expenses). Family takes time, energy, and money. EEK!! I started to feel guilty about both. And then, after this last venture with investing in my music didn't pan out the way that I thought. I really became down. I started thinking about all the different ways I could have used that investment in my family.  Then another music venture, I wanted to take part in with a really great producer... I got the estimated expenses..and my heart sank. I really couldn't at the time because it wasn't feasible financially....and so I had to tell him. Eeek I hated doing that! Thank God for a supportive husband though. He supports my dream and was being the voice of reason.....he was like ummm you been in the game how long? I've listened to a lot of music industry's success stories...and they were in the game longer than you, before they actually made it." Oh and by the way, they have a label paying for their stuff." You got to love him...but i didn't want to hear that. I'm Tekeah remember its supposed to be different lol. But I was really considering throwing in the towel on music.  Like maybe I had reached my pinnacle. I had written a blog on July 9 that pondered, should I quit. That was just last week.

Needless to say I didn't quit...and I allowed people to encourage me. I also know that I'm an emotional person especially around certain times of the month. lol. So, its not wise for me to make decisions when I'm emotional. Fast forward to today. I got word on Monday asking me if I'd like to open up for Lyfe Jennings. Of course I answered yes...and went back to my business....you get so many what ifs in the music business...I wait until I see the fine print before I get my hopes up. But it was and is confirmed! I am opening up for Lyfe Jennings on this Saturday, July 20 at the Howard Theatre.

One week pondering quitting, the next week slated to open up for a platinum artist. In the past week, have I figured out how to let music and my family co-exist in its entirety? No. What have I figured out is that I have people who will have my back and won't let me quit. I got a response from one of my friends in the industry, "Your not quitting. The end."  lol I figured out that my purpose of singing is not to just make money or tour all over the world but it is: To encourage people to grow, love, and heal, thru music and outreach.  At the end of the day that is my purpose and I can't get caught up in what others are doing or how far they have come. I thank God for this opportunity...and just for being to be able to learn from the positive and negative.

It's Morning...

Its morning...my favorite time of the day. I've always loved mornings....the newness of the day, the chance to start again.  Mornings, my most pensive moments. I've always loved them. I think I maybe loved them more because the mornings represented my "me times" for so long....represented my freedom to begin the day anyway that I liked....sometimes loud music/dance routines...sometimes dancing around the house naked (or just walking around the house with whatever on)...sometimes singing at the top of my lungs...sometimes just curling up with my cat, George, saying nothing...just anything goes! The simple liberties of free mornings! It's amazing the stuff you take for granted during your pre-married days.  You don't realize all of the value in them until things are switched around.

I AM NEWLY WED. Mornings. Adjustment. Living with others. Adjustment. Children in elementary, middle school, & high school (all with different bus schedules). Adjustment.  Living with non-morning people. BIG ADJUSTMENT!

I think one the biggest adjustments was adjusting to my mornings no longer being my own. Did I mention I was a morning person? My husband is a morning person too...that's one of the reasons why I love him so.... my children, absolutely not....tho my middle son is a bit better than the other two.  Combine that with different morning schedules (morning school bus). Eek I started to hate mornings. Not only could I no longer walk around the house naked ( I know TMI...but its such a simple joy for me lol), I now had to wake up and make sure everybody had and did everything they were supposed to do. Eek! My intermittent dance and singing routines on hold. So the bubbly Tekeah...was did you brush your teeth, put on deodorant, did you eat...all that. I don't want to do all that talking in the morning. I wanna chill and enjoy the birds.  Let creative juices flow.You know, reflect.  Then I couldn't understand why....get this...wait for it.... I couldn't understand, why I had to keep saying the same stuff, day after day, to the kids.  Apparently, I thought their learning curve was a bit slow....when in fact I had forgotten what its like to be a kid....so I guess my learning curve was a bit slow lol. Kids sometimes try your greatest area of improvement....which mine was/is patience.  I AM NEWLY WED! lol

Then on top of that...during the weekend...guess who wanted to continue the early morning ritual of being a morning person, my husband.  So let me get this straight, the only day I don't "have to" get up and ensure that everybody is up and at em...my husband wants to get up at 7 am and get the day going. Ninja please! Ha Ha! Can you imagine the turmoil.... *swings arm across the bed to cuddle with husband* Empty space. He is up doing something...working out...talking about cutting grass or something.  Boy Bye!

I sit and think about it now. He didn't change. I did.  My  morning routine differed. My needs changed. Initially for a while, I was blown and I would tell him. "I just want you to lay here with me." Ummm...next Saturday he'd be up and at em again.  I guess he thought I was talking about just last Saturday. I'm like what part did this ninja not understand? I'd tell him again, "I just want you to lay with me because this is the only day that I don't have to get up to do anything and I just want to enjoy this. I don't want to get up uber early on Saturdays when we don't have too" I had to keep saying that for a lil while until he got it. I had to continue to express my needs and wishes to him and he got it. Patience and repetitiveness. Constant re-evaluation of my communication--Is it clear? Does he understand what I'm asking?

I started to take the same approach with the kids. Though I ain't gonna lie, I really don't like having to say things more than once...idk where I get that from lol. Lawd knows my parents told me the same things  over and over for eons...until I got it? lol

I don't know why I'm writing about this now. Maybe because it's a Tuesday morning and the love for mornings is rekindled. Right now, the kids are at a point where, I don't have to tell them wake up, read for an hour, get dressed, eat breakfast....they can do that on there own. After a year and a half, they are growing. I am growing. All I ask now is did you do what you were supposed to do and they say yes Wee hee! Hallelujah! Breakthru!

I think sometimes in the moment, I think that things are always going to be a certain way forever. Then the emotions arise. I guess that's the drama queen in me. Taking a step back to make sure that I am communicating what it is that I want and just not assuming or thinking that people should know what I want or what I'm going thru, is key. One day at a time.

It is 9 am . They have already showered, dressed, made breakfast, and I didn't say a word. They even asked last night to go to the library to get a new book:) for their reading time. Oh yeah fist pump! Trouble don't last always...ha ha !

Sext, Love, & other Drugs

I never really thought about what kind of parent I wanted to be....other than a "cool" mom...who was still fly, still played a a lot, and was relatable to her kids....yup, that about sums it up. Now that I think more about it, the thought about my life as a parent, was so far from the words..."I Do." I just wanted to be with my boo forever and anything that came with him...I was wit it...you know the ride or die chick lol. But now as a mother, I know what kind of mother I strive to be...which is constantly evolving.  My goal is to raise emotionally intelligent, mature, dope people.  I mean I want my kids to be just soooo dope, smart, and aware in every area....but most of all, I want them to take advantage of their opportunities and be aware of the power in their choices. I think most parents want this... we  just have different approaches.....and then this thing called adolescence kicks in with your baby girl....and being the cool mom and other stuff goes out the window...lol.

I remember, as an adolescent saying, how I'm not going to be as a parent."Man, I'm not gonna trip out when I'm a parent, if they don't do their chores, I'mma let them go to the movies anyway......."you guys (my parents) are old...y'all can't relate"....blah blah blah" And then, as an adult, you read a text in your daughter's phone  that says, "nothin much but your @$$ on this dick,"from one of her male friends.  Inside Scream. Quick Composure. Southeast Tekeah (this ninja said what to my daughter!!). Gotta be cool...don't trip trip. All in one millisecond. Lawd a mercy!! Then the flashbacks of all the conversations I had in the car with my parents as an adolescent about boys and deceit and calling my parents old & "you don't understand," comes to mind. Time moves so fast. Now, I'm a parent with a teenage daughter!

Now, I'm the parent that checks social media, texts, instagram...and whatever else. And man, my daughter has way more avenues then I had for boy interaction and secretive communication amongst other thing (I think my parents had it way easier). I'm the parent that openly talks about sex, vaginas, penis's, body functions, body image, healthy eating, drugs,  dreams, perceptions, etc. I actually take information I learn from her social interaction to talk about different subjects....the hot topic right now is boys!   My daughter, who is def cut from a different thread, is shy, pretty, absorbed in social media (who isnt these days), dramatic, and secretive. The stage where your friends know everything and your parents are old and know only what you think they NEED to know.  So I think some times I come across to her as ewww why are we talking about this...but tell me more...but i'mma act like im not listening. I'm definitely not the cool parent that I envisioned myself being as of yet. Lol. Not the cool parent at all.

I don't know if I will be....right now, I do what I sense and feel is right. If that means checking her phone going thru text messages, having the talks where I have to be called old (which omg is mind-blowing...payback is something else...def reaping what I sowed to my parents)...I do it. I don't want her to make any of the decisions I made and the only way is to pray and show her that she has choices....empower her to make the best decisions for her life.

My approach is to challenge her to think differently and to not see things as just black and white. So we talk...sometimes she's engaged sometimes she's not....but I still talk. To her I'm not cool (Drats), but I'm weird because I talk about stuff her other parents don't really go into detail about. I talk to her about dating. My experiences...positive and negative.  Sometimes sigh...I'm tired.....this is for the birds...and then I read a text that she inquires if the guy is a virgin....how many times he's had sex and I smile. Knowing those questions came from one of our conversations about virgins and the different kinds of "virgins" and that you shouldn't be afraid to ask questions.  So growth. I'll take it. Though, I still want to be a cool mom.....i guess I'm still working in that area too. The journey continues....

U Gone Learn Today!

I've always been eager to learn and I'm always seeking information to improve... rather its myself or others. I mean always.  Rather its reading a book, engaged in a convo, going to trainings, art, physical activity, etc. whatever...im seeking to gain something from everything. I really love learning:) (yes, geeks unite). I went to college to study behavior and received my master's in social work (MSW).  Here lately, I've been thinking if my MSW is also my crutch, my defense mechanism,...my way to protect myself. 

You see, a part of my training is to look for patterns and connect the behavior to thinking feelings.blah, blah, blah. In evaluating my relationships, I seek people who's patterns I can predict.  Most of the people in my life, I tend to know the pattern, know their inconsistencies, most times lol. I married my husband because he's most consistent in being him. He's also a lot like my father, who's consistent to a fault at being him lol.  They're predictable people. I know their patterns. My mother, I know her pattern as irrational as it can be at times lol...i know it and so I make my decisions, as it concerns her, based upon my collection of data on her patterns. My friends, I tend to know their patterns, how they would respond. My kids. Lawd, what's the pattern!! lol! (I'll come back to that). People, who I see, as having a pattern that could harm me in the end, I avoid, or have a barrier up to protect me.

I love patterns and behavior. I love predictability. I love cause and effect. If i can predict what's going to happen or how I think a person is going to respond then I can prepare. If I can prepare then I can safe guard myself against being hurt. I can feel safe and not have surprise jabs of pain. I, in some respects, have some control over the outcome. I think this thinking is a safety technique, a defense, in a certain regard....and guess who is teaching me this, my kids!

Yes, kids have a way of magnifying your issues of improvement, highlighting your errors,  and challenging you to become better. Of course, I didn't see it like that at first. They have and are teaching me that I am/was rigid in some respects and lacked flexibility as it concerned adjusting to people changing their patterns. Because initially during the first months/year of being married, I experienced a lot of grief from them and from their mom, I put up a wall. You can't get close to me, and I don't want to get close to you, because you showed me, via your pattern, that you want to hurt me.  That and the fact that I could not wrap my mind totally around the exact pattern of my children.  Children are the most unpredictable people lol. One day we could be smooth sailing...the next day they would come in with attitudes....and I'm like Lawd, what is going on. Definitely, a wrench in some things. Most of all, I realized I didn't feel safe because at any point I could be made fun of (which they often do and still do...tho its lessoned significantly) or rejected. EEk! So you talking a major shift! Remember my equation  predictability = safety.... unpredictability = unsafe. 

What a lesson. What a shift.  I am reworking some things...where I  am learning to be in the moment, without armor on, to be vulnerable, and flexible.  Tearing down the very walls that I used for saftey...To take patterns for moments in time and not etch them in stone....its work....and people change and do sporadic things to. I am changing...sometimes i'm kicking and screaming at the same time...I AM NEWLY WED lol!  My kids are showing me that and for that I am grateful. I'm not one that has it all together...but I am willing to learn and become better. They are teaching me...in the words of Kevin Hart...U gonna learn today!

Here's a clip from yesterday. My boys came up with a routine to ask me to take them to the movies to see Despicable Me 2. It caught me so off guard I had them do it again so I could record it. It inspired the content for this blog and reminded me to expect change and the unexpected. It made me so happy to see this and witness this change. I don't think I would have been open to receive this if I was stuck on their previous "pattern."  Check it out!

And Despicable Me 2 was good!!

I AM NEWLY WED...

For the last couple of days, my emotions have been a world-wind. High, Low, frustrated, angry, happy, grateful, etc...I mean, really, a world-wind. I can't really put my finger on it...on the point of origin...all  I can say is that I AM NEWLY WED!  Am I blaming my marriage for this emotional uproar...no. I have a wonderful stupendous handsome and supportive husband and children (though they frequently get on my nerves...and I do mean frequently). I am coming to understand that the transition from one state to another, from single to marriage, from care of self to care of family, from individual dreams to family dreams, is an adjustment. I don't think I realized how it would affect me, but I realize  now that I'm changing, both growing and resisting the process that comes with transitioning in this phase in life. I also realized that I don't have a true outlet other than my husband.  He is truly my best friend in every sense of the word. I tell him everything, which is good and bad too. Sometimes I just need to vent, but most times he wants to fix it. He's a good man, what can I say.  So I figured I'd use this to express my changes, my feelings,  of being Newly Wed.  I am brutally honest and will just be expressing the rawness of my experiences and emotions. Some may have a positive note, some may not...who knows..just know that its honest.

Below is a picture of my family. My husband and I married November 19, 2011 and in holy matrimony  ( I always wanted to say that lol), I joined him and his 3 beautiful children (did I mention they get on my nerves frequently lol). Meet the Masons:)