When Being "You" Isn't Good Enough!

It's about 4 am in the morning and I just finished pumping breast milk and writing a brief letter to my 12 year old daughter. I'm a first time mother of a 12 year old much like I'm a first time mother of  two 11 year olds (1 being autisic), 14, 18, and a soon to be 8 month old. A lot of firsts and tho it pains me to say this, I don't always make the right decisions all the time. I know that's hard to believe (LOL), but It just doesn't happen that way.  As I become a better mother day by day, I find that "what is right" is often at war with my vulnerability.  The battle between being the parent and being transparent and open enough for my children to mature into authentic feeling human beings is real.

Internal Conflict. Growing Pains.

Especially when being transparent means   to admit your mistakes and or your areas of growth & improvement and ignore the hierarchy or power struggle inherent in parent child relationships. All of that while growing and maturing personally. Yup. Work. 

Which brings me to the brief letter I wrote to my 12 year old daughter. It started with these words, "I love you and I'm thinking about you."   Something simple yet complex at the same time. Vulnerability walking on the tightrope of parenthood. An area in which i'm continuously pulling back the onion as I realize that in order to give my children what they need, it means to put,"how i am," as a person to the side. 

The way I've been for almost 35 years is enough for my survival and serves me well, yet my style of survival is not enough to meet the needs of my child. So, I'm doing the work to shift and morph to become what my child needs.  A person who dotes on her, makes her the center of attention, crafts with her, etc.  It's not east to be stretched in this capacity. It's downright uncomfortable and sometimes I feel like a traitor to my core. I'm the person who doesn't like people invading her space or clingyness/needy folks but I must become the one who enjoys her space to be invaded for the sake of the health and development of my beautiful 12 year old child.

I'm vulnerable and outside of my comfort zone...but I'm willing and so starts the beginning of my letter to my daughter, 

"I love you and I'm thinking about you."

  

How I Became Pregnant!

Wowzers, the last time I blogged was in April.... 3 months ago....and in 3 months so much has changed. I guess the biggest change is that we're adding a +1 to our family....the never ending Cosby Show.  So we're going from a family of 7 to  8.  Now that I think about it, the last time I blogged, I was pregnant then and didn't even know it. 

Ha! I'm 4 months and some change. Since the realization of the positive plus sign, I'm reading books on babies, preparing my mind for the life changes,  still working out and teaching exercise classes, trying to control the incredible hulk (that wants to come out especially when denied certain foods),  preparing the kids for the change that is to come, etc.  All that and then some.

Things have been going so fast,  that I just wanted to take a moment and truly reflect on how we arrived here...ha ha besides the obvious deed that had to be done  lol!

As you all know, I got married November 2011...and it's always been my dream to birth children. I mean I have pictures and vision boards with pregnant ladies with my head stuck on them etc, all that. I seem to always start with a vision board or some type of physical representation to visualize what it is that I want.  Verbalize. Visualize, Materialize. ....though I think I actually visualize first, verbalize, then it materializes lol.

So when I got married, I knew from the jump that I did not want to have children right away, and that I wanted to be married for 2 years before adding a baby into the picture.  I was already marrying into an instant family so I wanted to adjust to having children and being married....def didn't want to do all things at one time. Though I knew I wasn't planning on having children in that first year it didn't stop me from buying my first onesie:) that I kept on a night shade in my room for 2 1/2 years:) I firmly believe in the principle that faith is acting on what you believe.

I continued to do stuff like this throughout the years.  Throughout the summer, I would attend garage sales as well.  I've always loved garage sales and so when I would see stuff that increased my vision, I would pick it up.  Last fall,  I got several cute unisex, practically new onesies, and day outfits for my baby. It only cost me a $1 or two to increase my vision. Ooh and I saw this cute bathing suit that I just couldn't resist. I set this bag right under the lampshade in my room.

Now when my husband and I decided to actually put forth the effort to make a baby and take other steps (like getting van in advance)  to accommodate the growth and even adding stickers of the new baby to the van....something unexpected happened (See post :2 yrs in and angry with God! *Shakes fist*). I wont' go into entire ordeal, but lets just say that the van that I got for my future baby was already filled to capacity....but not with children from my womb.

 So yes, I had my moments compounded with the act of trying to making a baby...compounded with the prior history of having a miscarriage in my early 20s (those instances try to wreak havoc in your mind)....and lastly not even realizing the science behind the timing, etc...def a bit more complicated then I thought. It was so frustrating. I mean the mere sight of my menses would send me into tears. I felt like a failure every time I saw my menses. I can remember crying to my husband feeling like I let him down.  The hardest part for me is that I could not control it.  I couldn't physically take his sperm and put it where I wanted and say Voila! I had to wait, be patient, and keep the faith.

Now during those times did i feel down....yes...oh but when you have a great mate and friends who speak life and not death to your situation. It really makes a difference. My husband always encouraged me...he would say things like, "You wait until little Psalm comes on the scene." He would hold me as I cried, yet he still spoke life. My friends would encourage me  (thank God for my sisters support and circle) and then God would stick his foot in my butt and direct back to my words and my vision. One of my friends encouraged me to do a pregnancy vision board....and on the back I put scriptures that spoke to me. I hung this on the lamp shade. During the  times I became discouraged, I went back to this.

There also came a point where, I stopped obsessing and trying to control the process and just let it go. And alas, here we are:). I am pregnant!....and it's not just because we followed the scientific process...but I believe it's because we acted on our faith and what we believed...that in a nutshell is how I got pregnant!

Should You Consider Your In-laws BEFORE Choosing a Mate?!

Throughout my adult life, I've heard numerous stories about relationships and marriages being ruined because of either the person's parents and or other family members.  Because of this, one of the things that I took into high consideration as it concerns my selection of my mate, his family.

I remember writing on my "what I want in a mate list"  specifics about his relationship with his family.  Even when I dated people and were considering them as life partners, I analyzed their relationships with their families and how they functioned as a family. I remember I was dating this one guy and his family was hilarious, but they also got down as it concerned partying, alcohol, and marijuana. These are things that I don't particularly enjoy being around, nor did I want my future children to be around....but that's just me. Now, I'm not throwing any shade. I grew up around alcoholism and drugs, and  so it's priority for me to protect my family and not have them experience the same things I did.

 Now, when I was dating my husband, I went around his family a lot and he came around mine as well. I think its important during  the dating and courting period that both sides experience each others families, if you are considering them as a serious contender (now i don't advise you bring everyone home lol). I was there for major holidays, church, volunteering events, etc. I made sure I had enough data to make a wise choice. Now as a whole, I know I'm unique. I laugh loud,  have quirky ways, and love joking etc. It was important to me to just be myself and not put on the  "I'm around his parents" type air. I didn't want any surprises after the wedding like, I didn't know you were like that. lol.

Overall,  while we  were dating, I decided I really enjoyed being around his family and that I could deal with his family for the rest of my life (very important).  In fact, I looked forward to going over his parent's house and spending time with them. His mom and dad were  and are not overbearing parents and they respect their son's adulthood and decision making. We are able talk about different things and move on. I love his family, my family, because they considered me.   This is how I knew I was in the family before being in the family. I was there one Easter  (pre-marriage)and my hubby's aunt made some deviled eggs that had relish in them. I couldn't eat them because I'm allergic to cucumbers, etc. The next family dinner event, his aunt told me she had special eggs for me in the fridge, deviled eggs without the relish:) Wee hee! Something that simple was monumental! Now, you can't remove me from this family even if you tried.  Now married and in the family, we have had some disagreements, but we have always come full circle and I believe it's because of the foundation that was set prior to the marriage.

The foundation of really knowing your mate's parents and family is soooo important. When you explore current relationships most times it can give you some foresight of how it will be in the future. Don't ignore any signs and or minimize this issue. I believe that if his family was always in our mix or important business...probably wouldn't have lasted.....just unnecessary stress. Now, can your relationship make it with jacked up in-laws....yup...I'm just saying its a bit easier when they aren't jacked up lol.

Before we were married, we established the following principles.
WE  ( my husband and I )COME FIRST
WE  (my husband and I ) COME BEFORE OUR MOTHERS, FATHERS, SISTER, BROTHERS, etc
WE (my husband and I) MAY CONSIDER FAMILY, BUT WE HAVE THE FINAL RULE

Is Marriage More Important than Your Kids...

I was on facebook when I stumbled upon this conversation: do you serve your children or your spouse first. This question touched the tip of the ice-burg on such a sensitive subject: who comes first, your marriage or your children.... and there were mixed passionate views.
 
Now for me, being in a relationship and dating = children come first; however, when you're married your relationship comes first, and then the children. Now, I'm not saying that you neglect your children. I would never say that; after all,  I'm a social worker and I believe that every child's basic needs should be met. Food, shelter, clothing, etc....all that is a given. 

 After God, my husband and I  (our marriage) comes first for the benefit of our children. We view our relationship as the foundation for our family and it is important that our foundation is solid. If our relationship is weak and filled with contention and strife it will trickle down to our children. Thus, we do our due diligence to protect our relationship as we are aware that not knowing how to set boundaries with your children can be relationship killers.

In the beginning it was definitely a transition as prior to marriage, my husband was a single parent with three children and so he was used to putting them first. Then, he remarried and so a transition had to take place. Once marriage takes place, two people must learn to function as one.  In marriage it is no longer children first, marriage second, but it is marriage first, children second. Sometimes it can get tricky when you're a part of a blended family, as the third person involved may not share the same views or value the marriage union.  I think this has been one of the more challenging aspects of being in a blended family,  transitioning and emphasizing the roles and structure of the family dynamics. Marriage first, then the children. There are times when we have to consider the role of children participating in numerous activities and or how or if it will affect our relationship. We don't commit to activities for the children without discussing it, etc. We have to make the decisions that are best.

This sounds weird to some...but I married my husband and he married me. We did stand not stand at the alter marrying our children. Do we love our children? Yes! Do we strive to do everything we can for our children?Yes!  Do we want them to be happy:) yes!The caveat is that there are boundaries that we follow as it concerns our children and their happiness is not our priority....their happiness does not run our relationship.

2 yrs In & Angry with God!! *shakes fist*

Last month, I celebrated two years of marriage to my handsome beau. Its amazing how much growth can happen in two years.  In two years,  so many changes have taken place in a split second.  From the moment I said "I Do," I went from being a single woman with one cat to a married woman with a husband, three children, an ex-wife, and a cat.   We then added a dog :). Several adjustments were made in year one....quick adjustments necessary for our survival. As soon as I finally got the swing of everything.....better management of my household, the children, better working relationship with the ex wife....we added two more children. We hadn't even reached year 2 just yet....just a month shy of it.  I haven't really sat down with my feelings as we have been on the go...and most times now, we barely have time to sit down without the house being crowded or having to supervise, referee, teach lessons, revisit schedules, cook meals, etc. I think my husband and I are doing the the best we can to keep things as normal as we can. We still have dates and our time together....but its not always easy.

There are times...where I feel like, I got this...and then there are times where I haven't gotten the best sleep and or I feel overwhelmed or I just want moments to myself..and I just feel angry. Like last night. Like today. Who am I angry with...GOD. Not like I haven't been angry with him before. I'm like God you know me....why!! Why are you requiring me to learn to be a different person at the age of 33 years old.  Why God?!! My husband told me just last night....somebody thinks highly of us. Humph!I asked for children from my womb!! shakes fist! I have freakin baby clothes, a baby vision board, etc....whats up...where's my baby?!! As I type this, I feel like a child having a temper tantrum because I didn't get what I wanted just yet.

And then I have these moments....where I want to treat God just like I treat someone when I'm angry with them. I don't talk to them and ignore them....and I have treated Him like that in the past and over the course of this month at times.  I will not lie I have. I hate being angry and with Him. Yet, I am not afraid to voice my concern or discomfort...thank God for a God who will allow you to be honest.

Even in my angry times with God, He still speaks to me (He is the true example of love who continues in spite of). I heard him say....:"I got you."  Nothing long or long winded. Simple --"I got you."  Then  He reminded me of the Will and Jaden Smith movie called "After Earth" where there's a segment about fear.....

“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me danger is very real but fear is a choice.”
― Will Smith

And there is a scene where Jaden embraces his father's words and begins to take in every moment for what it is...and fear and the thing that is trying to destroy can't 'find him....can't even see him. It reminded me of God, how when we understand that faith is now, and take in our Father's words...that we can hide in His words of faith....and hide in Him.  Situations will come for us...but because we are living in the now of faith...it can't touch us.

Just venting... and realizing that my anger was displaced fear.

YOU HATE ME.

I don't know even know where to begin as this weekend was a weekend to remember. Let's start with the word Hate. 

"I hate my parents, especially Her."

The her in that message was referring to yours truly. I can't even describe how I felt when I read that message. 

"I'm doing all that I can, and I don't think she even cares rather I live or die." 

Words from my husband about our teenage daughter. Now, to hear my daughter say she hates me...hurt....but to hear my husband...knowing all the struggles he's gone thru to be there and provide the best for his children, was like a dagger to my heart.  Better yet my husband, was so hurt that he didn't even want to talk about it....so I became angry with him. I'm like not talk about it...all the pissyness in the air ...urgh! So many things went thru my head on that Friday...one. I need to get out of this house... too much negative energy....two. who can I call to be around that provide soothing.... yes all that.

You know it amazes me that in that moment, the person I wanted to be around most, was my mother. I just wanted to be held like a child...no words just a presence...but she couldn't be reached...and then I always question ..can I bare my soul without it traveling around robin hood's barn. Sorry, but my mother can't keep her mouth if her life depended on it lol. So next in line were my sisters...one out of town having a blast and the other had just gotten home from work. My sister who was coming home from work..ehhh...she's known to everyone for being a savior and providing just what you need....but i felt guilty....i'm coming to realize I really don't like burdening people with my woes...and I didn't want my sister to exert energy just coming from work. So I chose to go over my grandmother's house....no matter what, my grandmother doesn't have to say a thing...me seeing her is strength. On the way to her house...I cried. I've never wanted to be hated and it hurts to see my husband hurting and my daughter hurting amongst everything else going on in our house. I just cried.  I never pictured my family like this. I allowed it all just to come out. I allowed myself to be angry and then I returned to my house. Sat in the driveway for a while, but I went back in.

Now in my moment, I would have never foresaw what would happen the next day. I was still hurt and angry; however, I got up at 7 am and did my shopping. For some reason grocery shopping brings me joy and is a stress reliever....I have no idea why. When I returned,  my husband, my daughter, and I had a talk. I prayed that God would give me the words to truly be honest and express my feelings.  My husband shared his hurt with her. I shared with her how I was doing the best that I could. I told her that it hurt to hear her say that she hated me when I wanted nothing but the best for her.  I shared with her that we want her to have fun yet we still have standards. Instead of saying, don't hate me...I gave her permission to hate me. I also shared with her that I would not be changing...I want the best for her and know her potential and what she is capable of.... I told her that if her goal was to hurt me....she succeeded. I am hurt...and I leave to cry and try to get myself together at times....and come back to do what I need to do for my family. At the end of the day, I can't stop pushing her or any of my other children. I just can't, especially knowing I have to stand before God and give an account of how I trained and or didn't train my children. I told her just that...go on and hate me....but I'm not going anywhere. I'm not getting a divorce. I'm not gonna not hold you accountable...i may have to cry from your treatment or whatever..but I'mma be right here.  I did tell her that I would be trying to speak more softly instead of so firm....thats what I'm working on. I can't believe I said all that.

I have no idea where that vulnerability came from but I said it and I meant it...and most of all I said it in a warm and soft tone . That evening my husband and I got a letter. She told me that she was sorry and that she did try to hurt me because I married her father.....but she also thanked me for never giving up on her. It was signed, your daughter. When I got that letter, I can't even express the joy and the tears....i was already in the midst of doing Zumba....but an entire new dance took over. One filled with kicks and tears....and moves ....it was a dance of victory. I couldn't choreograph that dance even if I tried.

I have no words...other than God is awesome. I'm new to this parenting thing....all the twists and turns..but God isn't.  The shell is breaking.....and i'm trusting God with my vulnerability. Its His job to protect me. 

What do you think of me?!!

Well I've been having a blast over the past couple of weeks with my husbands staycation!! He has been off work for two weeks!! Yippee!! I can't express how awesome its been just enjoying my husband. My dream would be for him to stay at home with me and we just travel the world, visiting diff bed and breakfasts, and writing about our experiences....that would be so awesome. But we are not there just yet. In the midst of enjoying my hubsters, school has commenced and with that are the early mornings etc... And all the business that comes with school. 

Well before school started, I did an exercise with the family taken from one of the various books I've been reading. The exercise was to list positive things about  each person in the family. So we did it. At the end, I took everyone's list and created one individual list comprised of all the postive thoughts for each person gave it to them at the end.  I was utterly amaZed about what the children thought of me. I mean amazed. There were descriptions like "lives life." I didn't even know they noticed. Lol. 

I gave them all their lists and they enjoyed it!  I keep my list and look it at from time I time as encouragement in the moments where I feel like my kids are purposefully trying to hurt and or be mean to me. Helps me to get past that moment more swiftly. Try it with your kids and friends. I'd def like to try this with my family and friends too:) 

Just wanted to let them know that at the end of they day... This is what we think of you:)

When Date Night Goes Wrong....

I wish I could say that I'm the most perfect wife...and that I do almost everything right....but I can't...I  really wish I could but I can't. I wish I could say that I even knew why I act the way I do in real time moments, but most times I don't. I'm what you call a slow processor...I normally get "it" after the fact.....the chief analyzer. So most times I won't respond in the  moment....but maybe a day or so later...or there are sometimes where I will respond in the moment. Guess it depends on the weather lol.

Like yesterday. Tuesday is our normal date night and it was going well until.... well, I felt left out of a conversation that my husband had with our daughter. One thing I can't stand is feeling left out. Anyways, when superman says he had a talk with Belle...and i ask oh how'd it go?...his response is, it went well. So I prod more...because "it went well" tells me nothing and then he shuts down on me. So I expressed my feelings, " i don't like it when..... i feel...you know, the express your feelings jib.  Regroup and move on. So we had fun during our dinner...we sought to either bless a couple or our waiter. We decided on the waiter and so we blessed him really well. Giving always puts us in a good mood. So as we're headed out, I start playing, putting my finger in his ear etc. To make a long story short, I wanted to bite him on his nose (lol it's a love nibble, not too hard, tho I have once before, bitten him too hard...but i 've learned)...and he was like ummm no i don't like it. And for some reason I just had to nibble on his nose ....my way of professing my love, but he wouldn't let me. He nibbles my nose all the time...mainly because he knows I love it...this is prob TMI...but oh well. Needless to say, he was like love shouldn't cause pain ....and that my love is wrong. Ok. Volcano erupts. IAMNEWLYWED. I am done for the night. I go to sleep angry. Wake up angry. He wants to talk. I don't. I want to run. I bake cookies. He wants to talk. I don't.

There are even moments where I actually want to let go and talk. I don't. I hold on. I was telling a colleague today about the situation and how I knew I was wrong...and I knew this issue was not the source of my anger.  It's funny that I actually didn't have peaceful sleep because superman wouldn't let me nibble on his nose. I battled with rationalizing that it was because he said my love was wrong....but in actuality thats not even it. Its not it at all. I know I probably should have journaled all of my emotions before seeing superman yesterday evening. My anger started long before he even got home. It started with the result of a pregnancy test. Only one stripe, not two. Thoughts of being a failure because in spite of all the information I consumed about pregnancy, the test read only one stripe. Period is late, but one stripe. I've had many dreams of pregnancy all this month. Only one stripe.

So in essence, I used my husband to unleash all the anger I could. I woke up angry and wanted to scratch his eyeballs out.....though he was not the reasoning behind the anger. Then I was disappointed with  myself for being so angry and mean to him on today. Sometimes the ones closest to it reap the harvest of seeds that haven't even sowed. I'm guilty. I'm sorry for not connecting my feelings earlier.

From physical parenting to cyber-parenting: it never ends!

Fresh off of gaining a Zumba license and a staycation with superman, now it's back into the swing of things. 

Parenting never ceases even when they're not physically in your presence..... Even the word I don't like, "step-parent," continues to exist even when the kids aren't with us. I was reminded of that yesterday when I texted another parent and identified myself as my daughter's other mom. She responded you mean step-parent and I said no, i don't like like the term. For some reason step-parent has a negative connotation... You know Cinderella and the wicked step-mother or the stereo type of the sexually abusing step-father..... I just don't Iike the unspoken ideas that come with the word step-mother or step parent...it truly doesn't capture my hope for my children and creates a divide in the family (like because i didnt birth them, i dont care them) .Maybe that's just me. Oh we'll i digress.

Well, yest i had to go into parent mode due to my daughters interaction on Instagram and she wasn't even with us.  For the purpose of this blog we gonna call my daughter, Belle. Yes, Belle is on Instagram just like most in the world. Though it can get rather crazy with adolescents and Instagram. So many different avenues that they can use for foolery.... And it's big distraction. Anyways, Belle asked a question  (on instagram) of her "boo" that her father and I felt was inappropriate. (Side bar: if your children have Instagram, I advise that you follow them, etc to insure pictures and content is appropriate).

So although belle was not with us... I gave correction via Instagram to her and her "boo" and also let her mom know as well. Yeah I know, I'm not the cool mom... But I don't care... Being cool and teaching my daughter to be the best woman she can be, don't necessarily go hand and hand, at times lol.

So I did what I thought had to be done. When she returns there will be a follow up discussion. But in the mean time,I contacted her "boo's" mom who didn't view it as a big deal. Woosah! I didn't argue back in forth... I simply stated that its inappropriate and my daughter is a lady and that I wanted to keep her in the loop as his parent.

I'm learning more and more that I don't have to prove my point or go tit for tat. State your case and roll out. It's okay if they don't agree. (And I love healthy debates lol... So this is growth)

Parenting doesn't stop. Eek and the grief I gave my parents going thru the dating phase, has a whole new meaning!

Swagged out/!!

I can't believe it's Tuesday...I really like to purge on Mondays lol...but I sat down to write and then ended up working and doing everything else except what I had intended to do. Surely, I know I'm not the only one that this has happened to lol... Well alas! I get a moment to reflect.

So this past weekend, the kiddies returned...and sometimes when they come back from the weekend it's almost like a roll of the dice. You just never know what your gonna get.   But this weekend was fairly cool. I'm learning that no matter how they come (no matter the mood) that it's important for me to be consistent..anyways, I digress.

 Back to this past weekend. Now, out of my three children the one who has the most mouth....is my middle son who's 12 years old. I won't say his name, as he is a kid of "swag," lol and me saying his name would "take away from his coolness/swag" I'm sure lol and it would embarrass him.  Nonetheless, he's the one who just has to be right or has to have the last word, no matter if he's right or wrong. I guess a christian, faith-filled, therapist, positive soul singer, shouldn't say that he makes me wanna decapitate him sometimes.... But who am I fooling...lol...God already knows. LOL!

But this weekend, I had to pat myself on the back and note some growth. So for the purpose of this blog, my middle son's name throughout this blog will be "Swag."  So Swag  comes home in a relatively good mood and I'm in a good mood too because  I sold all my G.I.G cookies (www.greenteasoul.com). Excuse the shameless plug.  So just chillin and having fun, I decide to make it rain (throw money in the air) and of course the boys grab up the money and high tail it. We call em back..and  somewhere Swag says Ma-T doesn't buy us anything except candy from the $1 store. I responded oh really...like the house you live in, the clothes on our back..yadda yadda.  He's like, Dad pays for it...or something like that. I was like, really. But unlike before....I let it roll off my back. Before I would have had the verbal artillery cocked, loaded, and fired like an automatic machine gun.... but I didn't I just kept it moving. Wee hee high five for me!

It did show me how little, children comprehend, and how much they take things for granted. I think that in the beginning of our  marriage, that it was the biggest sticking point for me....I felt they were unappreciative and took things for granted....complete shock. bwhahahahaa!! Now that I'm looking back, ha ha, most kids are unappreciative and or feel that parents are doing what they "supposed" to do. But I realize that I was looking through the lenses of my past,  growing up in the hood and so close to poverty.  I'm thinking, these ninjas got a nerve to be ungrateful when they're children who don't have it like this.  I'm bending over backwards to increase our money and I get sass lol.....sounding like my mother lol....and everything other parent of I've heard.

But what do my kids know....they've never experienced any different....they don't know about southeast dc and the things that can come with it. They've never experienced how it was or how  it could be, they just know how it is. Could I be angry that they have  it better then how I had it growing up and to put icing on the cake,  they don't appreciate it....pause. nahhhh...lol

So I'm patting myself on the back for not tripping out and not feeling like I had to convince a 12 year old, who pays the bills around here. Whats the use of trying to rationalize with a 12 year old...none at this point.

"What I Have to Do"

Today's a beautiful day. I did a little bit of work here and there, worked out, went to my favorite place (the library.....tryna see if the last season of "The Wire" has come in lol) and lounged in the pool reading a book....and capped it off with being naked for the rest of the day (I know TMI but WINNING). The house is quiet, with the exception of the hum of the air conditioning. I'm in a relatively good place.  I have a lot thoughts to process just from this past weekend...so I'll definitely be writing up some stuff soon....but not right now. Right now, I 'm enjoying every aspect of today. I don't know when I did this last...just stopped and savored the moments of the day.

I've  spent so much time over the past week or so complaining about feeling like I "have to" work my part-time job.  I've come to the realization that I don't like to "have to do" anything.... the "having to do stuff," is a turn off.  I'm a free bird and "having to do" something...feels like I'm being caged/trapped. Actually, my husband helped me come to that conclusion and he even had anecdotes  to illustrate his points. Oh, how I love a man who can support a premise lol. I digress.  Anyways, ironically, I just recently accepted that as a grown up, lol, there are things that I "have to do." So over the last couple of days, I've changed my disposition....instead of complaining (I actually got tired of hearing myself)... I'm focusing on the positives and the things I have and like about my part-time job and the opportunities it has afforded me. I think continuously  talking negatively about a situation...makes you feel worse then what it really is. Instead, I'm thanking God and appreciating where I am.  Appreciating the process to get to where I'd like to be. Ha Ha (i just LOL'd) I'm maturing. One day at a time. I'm really working on having my joy about life be set---- unchangeable.... no matter what comes my way. I'm working hard at not rushing this life process...but enjoying the moments day by day.

So today I'm not on the go...I'm chillin...and I'm bout to enjoy my naked moments...literally and figuratively...and get back in the pool!

Cheers to the weekend: Linaganore Wine Festival!

We Out'chea...so hot!!

It's Monday and for some reason Mondays have always been my favorite! It's the reset that it's a new start of the week.


Well, what can I say, I had a great weekend. This weekend, I had my husband all to myself and I so appreciate those moments. Every other weekend we have the kids, which is a great break & most times a much needed one. It's such a great way for us to just reconnect and build. I love it. I don't take these moments for granted because we don't have time to get into long disagreements that suck up the entire day...cuz the weekend would be gone. Although, I was tempted on Saturday because the boo is blunt, like me, at times (although no one would ever believe it lol), and he told me in so many words (after I came from the gym), that I stink and to go take a shower. I was all in my lovey dubby mood ha ha...he straight killed my vibe...short lived for sure.

I got upset...but got it together within the next 5 minutes. Turned on some old Kanye, college dropout. Hit the showers and got ready for the day. I think the positive in our relationship is that we can have a moment, get ourselves together, and come back to the day...and then talk about it.  I'm prob more sensitive then I've ever realized and I'm working on it. My husband knows how to bounce back way more quickly then I can. More work to do. I love that he can bounce back so quickly, yet he gets on nerves that he is so good with that. 

Me posing with the winery machine afte the winery tour lol!

Anywho, we went to the Linganore Wine Festival and had a great time!The food, the people, the wine tour, and just the experience of laughing and spending time with my favorite person is such a refresher. So many things happen on a day to day basis  and week to week...but when I'm with my best friend, like Lauryn Hill says, nothing else even matters.  Then the man who owns the Linganore winery shared their story, of how they started from hand crushing grapes to mass producing wine. I love hearing about dreams and how they came to fruition. They speak to me and encourage my own dream process. So needless to say the Linganore Wine Festival was great and I think we're going to go back again in October:)!

Overall, I feel there is a lesson in every interaction and experience and so my goal is to learn to bounce back within a minute instead of 5 to 10 minutes.  Make the best out of each moment, especially with my husband.  At the end of the day, I don't want to have so many minutes wasted:)

Here's a pic from the festival:) Aren't we just cute lol!

The Silver lining: Coolin

In my moment of sadness yesterday, I had a choice. Would I wallow in the sadness or keep it moving. I chose the latter and got in the pool. I thought I was gonna chill alone, relaxing on the floatie, when the kids returned to the pool.... And I do mean returned, as they had previously left, to watch television. Now, I have seen this happen with my husband ... As soon as he gets in, all the kids get in or as soon as he does something, everyone wants to do it. He's a magnet like that.  It hadn't happened with me though. But yesterday it happened.  I'm noticing that its happening more and more:). The kids feeling more comfortable to share space. What a silver lining. I'm doing a better job at noticing the small changes. It was cool just noticing the small influence I made yesterday by deciding not to let a moment ruin the day. 

Here's a pic from one of our coolin days. I should have taken a pic yesterday but it was too hot to be concerned with anything other than swim time lol!  

What is that you do again?!!

 Just last week, a person asked me, what I did for a living. The answer is not the usual one answer. The answer goes... well I'm a group exercise instructor, a baker,  a singer/songwriter, post-adoption researcher/Homestudy, writer, etc. Prior to asking me that question, they asked my husband the same one and they got one  answer,  a computer engineer. When this questioned is asked, my husband and I, take a deep breath,look at each other, then I give my long answer coupled with "oh, I'm a praise and worship leader too ."  I should have added mother and wife too....I'll add that next time lol.

I do a lot of things as my goal is to do the things that bring me joy and put forth effort to eliminate the things that don't.  I got that from reading the books written by the Delaney sisters:) In 2010, I retired from being a full time social worker to focus on my happiness and pursue my music full time.  Within that time period, I lost 48 lbs, was writing and recording my new album,  became a group exercise instructor, weight watchers leader, etc. Then in 2011, I added wife and mother to the list. 

Which brings me here. I am a singer/songwriter. I've been singing since I can remember and I've been pursuing music professionally since 2004. I have a total of 5 albums out, under the moniker (Green Tea) which has now changed to GREENTEASOUL.  In 2011, I became a wife/mother, with a husband and 3 children, 2 cats, and 1 dog.  My biggest challenge was how to do both without feeling guilty about sacrificing something in one or the other. I'm still working on that. Its definitely a balancing act. Music takes time, energy, and money (we have a separate budget for Green Tea and I sell G.I.G cookies to cover my music expenses). Family takes time, energy, and money. EEK!! I started to feel guilty about both. And then, after this last venture with investing in my music didn't pan out the way that I thought. I really became down. I started thinking about all the different ways I could have used that investment in my family.  Then another music venture, I wanted to take part in with a really great producer... I got the estimated expenses..and my heart sank. I really couldn't at the time because it wasn't feasible financially....and so I had to tell him. Eeek I hated doing that! Thank God for a supportive husband though. He supports my dream and was being the voice of reason.....he was like ummm you been in the game how long? I've listened to a lot of music industry's success stories...and they were in the game longer than you, before they actually made it." Oh and by the way, they have a label paying for their stuff." You got to love him...but i didn't want to hear that. I'm Tekeah remember its supposed to be different lol. But I was really considering throwing in the towel on music.  Like maybe I had reached my pinnacle. I had written a blog on July 9 that pondered, should I quit. That was just last week.

Needless to say I didn't quit...and I allowed people to encourage me. I also know that I'm an emotional person especially around certain times of the month. lol. So, its not wise for me to make decisions when I'm emotional. Fast forward to today. I got word on Monday asking me if I'd like to open up for Lyfe Jennings. Of course I answered yes...and went back to my business....you get so many what ifs in the music business...I wait until I see the fine print before I get my hopes up. But it was and is confirmed! I am opening up for Lyfe Jennings on this Saturday, July 20 at the Howard Theatre.

One week pondering quitting, the next week slated to open up for a platinum artist. In the past week, have I figured out how to let music and my family co-exist in its entirety? No. What have I figured out is that I have people who will have my back and won't let me quit. I got a response from one of my friends in the industry, "Your not quitting. The end."  lol I figured out that my purpose of singing is not to just make money or tour all over the world but it is: To encourage people to grow, love, and heal, thru music and outreach.  At the end of the day that is my purpose and I can't get caught up in what others are doing or how far they have come. I thank God for this opportunity...and just for being to be able to learn from the positive and negative.

I met a man last night....

last night, I met this man who took me out for sushi, a long walk around eastern market... And then took me back to his house. but we didnt sleep there... we slept under the stars, in a tent in his back yard. This man does it for me! wee hee it was night of fun that encompassed talks of love,politics,dreams, and free-cycle (long story, but my husband put the breaks on me scoring an elliptical from freecycle lol). I'm smiling ear to ear like I'm in high school and you find out that the boy you been breaking your neck to send signals that you like him, likes you back. Ha ha! Man, I just love my husband!! He gets me  and likes me and I like him. I mean we like like each other lol! Ha, he just yelled from the other room "love u babe" as I'm typing this. It's such a good feeling.

I asked him last night, how many people have what we have.  We are besties who really enjoy each others company. I told him yesterday that I attribute alot of our success to making sure that we have "our time" together.  Our tuesday date nights...setting aside time weekly, is a saving grace and keeps the connection fresh. We talk, we laugh, we cry, we express, debate, envision, dance, read...etc. We have time for each other which is very import when you have a big family and so much going on at one time. I think our date nights are a constant reminder that, no matter what comes our way, we are in this life together...... That and u can't be mad during date night lol!

We take time for each other because we are very important to one another. Excuse me, I think I might meet that guy again in the tent lol! I love him :)

It's Morning...

Its morning...my favorite time of the day. I've always loved mornings....the newness of the day, the chance to start again.  Mornings, my most pensive moments. I've always loved them. I think I maybe loved them more because the mornings represented my "me times" for so long....represented my freedom to begin the day anyway that I liked....sometimes loud music/dance routines...sometimes dancing around the house naked (or just walking around the house with whatever on)...sometimes singing at the top of my lungs...sometimes just curling up with my cat, George, saying nothing...just anything goes! The simple liberties of free mornings! It's amazing the stuff you take for granted during your pre-married days.  You don't realize all of the value in them until things are switched around.

I AM NEWLY WED. Mornings. Adjustment. Living with others. Adjustment. Children in elementary, middle school, & high school (all with different bus schedules). Adjustment.  Living with non-morning people. BIG ADJUSTMENT!

I think one the biggest adjustments was adjusting to my mornings no longer being my own. Did I mention I was a morning person? My husband is a morning person too...that's one of the reasons why I love him so.... my children, absolutely not....tho my middle son is a bit better than the other two.  Combine that with different morning schedules (morning school bus). Eek I started to hate mornings. Not only could I no longer walk around the house naked ( I know TMI...but its such a simple joy for me lol), I now had to wake up and make sure everybody had and did everything they were supposed to do. Eek! My intermittent dance and singing routines on hold. So the bubbly Tekeah...was did you brush your teeth, put on deodorant, did you eat...all that. I don't want to do all that talking in the morning. I wanna chill and enjoy the birds.  Let creative juices flow.You know, reflect.  Then I couldn't understand why....get this...wait for it.... I couldn't understand, why I had to keep saying the same stuff, day after day, to the kids.  Apparently, I thought their learning curve was a bit slow....when in fact I had forgotten what its like to be a kid....so I guess my learning curve was a bit slow lol. Kids sometimes try your greatest area of improvement....which mine was/is patience.  I AM NEWLY WED! lol

Then on top of that...during the weekend...guess who wanted to continue the early morning ritual of being a morning person, my husband.  So let me get this straight, the only day I don't "have to" get up and ensure that everybody is up and at em...my husband wants to get up at 7 am and get the day going. Ninja please! Ha Ha! Can you imagine the turmoil.... *swings arm across the bed to cuddle with husband* Empty space. He is up doing something...working out...talking about cutting grass or something.  Boy Bye!

I sit and think about it now. He didn't change. I did.  My  morning routine differed. My needs changed. Initially for a while, I was blown and I would tell him. "I just want you to lay here with me." Ummm...next Saturday he'd be up and at em again.  I guess he thought I was talking about just last Saturday. I'm like what part did this ninja not understand? I'd tell him again, "I just want you to lay with me because this is the only day that I don't have to get up to do anything and I just want to enjoy this. I don't want to get up uber early on Saturdays when we don't have too" I had to keep saying that for a lil while until he got it. I had to continue to express my needs and wishes to him and he got it. Patience and repetitiveness. Constant re-evaluation of my communication--Is it clear? Does he understand what I'm asking?

I started to take the same approach with the kids. Though I ain't gonna lie, I really don't like having to say things more than once...idk where I get that from lol. Lawd knows my parents told me the same things  over and over for eons...until I got it? lol

I don't know why I'm writing about this now. Maybe because it's a Tuesday morning and the love for mornings is rekindled. Right now, the kids are at a point where, I don't have to tell them wake up, read for an hour, get dressed, eat breakfast....they can do that on there own. After a year and a half, they are growing. I am growing. All I ask now is did you do what you were supposed to do and they say yes Wee hee! Hallelujah! Breakthru!

I think sometimes in the moment, I think that things are always going to be a certain way forever. Then the emotions arise. I guess that's the drama queen in me. Taking a step back to make sure that I am communicating what it is that I want and just not assuming or thinking that people should know what I want or what I'm going thru, is key. One day at a time.

It is 9 am . They have already showered, dressed, made breakfast, and I didn't say a word. They even asked last night to go to the library to get a new book:) for their reading time. Oh yeah fist pump! Trouble don't last always...ha ha !

Pray for you?!! But I don't even like you!

This Trayvon situation twirls in my mind from time to time. Especially, after we had a conversation  with the kids last night about what to do if someone follows and or chases you. My daughter said, hopefully you dip yourself in white powder and then you'll be okay. She said that to say that white people get away with stuff. Eek I hate that we have to have these conversations but we did our best to communicate that there are some people who still have hate for the black race and vice versa....its rooted in slavery...etc...the talk and whole nine yards.  However, everyone isn't like that. I think we tried to share with the children,  to take every experience for its own moment and not combine them together so that we don't end of with strong hate rooted in us.  We went over basic emergency procedures in situations in which they aren't sure. Sigh, I don't know if it got thru....that's one of the things as a parent that I'm learning. You do your best and pray that it sticks...and then time will tell. Eek, i think i kinda hate that part...cuz i want to be able to control the outcome and what sticks lol. My youngest son, was like "thats a good conversation." He is the most sarcastic one and if he was in my mother's day...he would surely have been toothless by now..with the stuff that he says.


Anyways, this whole case got me thinking about how we are to even pray for those who we think wronged us and or did wrong. Ha! I always say God has a sense of humor!  Let me get this straight, you want me to basically pray for those who I don't like, who erk me,  betray me (Jesus and Judeas),who I have feel have done me wrong and or others wrong?! Man....  I remember thinking oh yeah I can do that. I mean prior to being married, I did it repeatedly. I worked with people I didn't like. I had friends that unfriended  me and I still was kind throughout the process and it evolved, etc. I'm like yeah I can do that. I mean I have smiled with people I know have talked about me behind my back etc. all that. Prayed the best for boyfriends who did me wrong...all that and a bag of chips. I'm thinking I got this principle. Its in the bag.

But ohhhhhhhh I AM NEWLY WED! Things that I thought I had a grip on needed to be revisited. When I dealt with the situation with my husband's ex-wife. I didn't realize how much stuff  I had in me. Lol. I mean I felt like I always had the ghetto Tekeah in me (though no one even believes it)...but it had been dormant for a while. I mean I went in with the intentions of we gonna be cool, praying for her and all, saying hi when being ignored....but this chick wanted no part of it. Like no matter what I did, it didn't work.  I kept trying...I mean even before we were married...I would see her and speak (I did this for years) and she would straight carry me and not speak.  Sit apart from us when we were at the kids games. Lawd!! But I kept smiling but truth is I was building anger inside. On the inside I'm like this ninja just don't know. All these emotions mixed with different situations...her saying stuff in the emails that was just rude and hurtful.  Me, feeling like I have to come back with a thorough rebuttal, because I'm right. I came to the point where I had enough and I took it out of Gods hands... like I got this...I'm quick with words and can cut you like no other (university of pittsburgh education with the combination of being my mother's child is a lethal combination) like umm no prayers for you, I can't stand you. The stuff that she was projecting, the hurt...I was now acting it out which is not me.  Remembering that place, I hated where I was and who I had become.  I was angry at her and even at my husband for making the ill choice of ever marrying her....and i told him so...i'm like what were you thinking! lawd! I was someone other than the bubbly Tekeah. I remember one of the praise team members at my church, pulled my card....with a simple question, "Do you think God loves her?" Tears fell immediately. Cuz,  1. I hated that she asked that question  2. I hated being wrong, 3.I knew the answer without asking God (though I was obedient and still asked), and  4. I knew what that would mean for me. Sigh. I can remember like it was yesterday.

I had to ask God for forgiveness for not doing what I knew to do regardless of what she did or said. I shouldn't have been moved by her actions no matter if they were good or bad. I know the word...but when it got uncomfortable or when I felt like the word wasn't working fast enough or i was getting punked...then it was justified for me to get in my feelings and do what I wanted to do. I asked God for forgiveness. I was reminded of the many times I have done wrong, failed, and God did not just treat me like trash. He stuck to his word. I had to be honest with him, "you know I don't like the way she acts most times..help me and my heart towards her...help me to love her...help me to believe the best about her."  I had to set up a meeting with her and apologize for being combative and for thinking I was better than her...PRIDE.  Because I thought I was better than her...like ninja you sinned and I'm not.  I sincerely apologized. Then in our house, my family,  we prayed for her daily and I said verbally I love her...my family love her...we want the best for her. I think that has helped our relationship transform to be better ..but more importantly..it help me to be in line with making God happy.

I think I am learning... that praying for people you don't like is more for you than it is for them. Its to keep your heart right with God and keep the yucky stuff out so that it doesn't eat you alive. In the case of Zimmerman, I will pray for him too even though I don't like what he did...i can't not allow what he did to transform  me into something I'm not. I can even say in my prayers....Lord you know I dont 'like what he did...but I leave it to you. Help me not to be rooted in anger and vindictiveness and pride because of what I think is right and what I feel he deserves.

I'm learning...

Sunday Morning, Family, Church & Trayvon Martin

Today started off....just weird First of all last night, I had several dreams intertwined that were definitely troublesome. I don't remember all of them but I probably should have written them down when I awoke this morning. The bit that I do remember involved a great uncle that I never met before ( but just heard of)...something related to death.... it was just weird. Next time, I'll try to remember to write my dreams down as soon as I wake up, but I was rushing this morning (which I hate especially when I have to lead Praise and Worship).  I had a little residue of those troublesome dreams but I pressed on. Got myself together, kids, hubby, and had just enough time to feed the dog and the cats (sure which they could feed themselves this morning lol). In the car, I continue to prepare  myself to lead praise and worship for the congregation (I normally replay the song a million times lol...go over and over etc...warm ups.. write notes...i get nervous sometimes)  when I heard the news on the radio that the jury had found George Zimmerman not guilty in the Trayvon Martin case. I screamed in the car. Complete Horror. I saw the look on my husbands face...the instant anger and disappointment. His response was, "I guess I need to tell the boys now that when a white man is chasing them to not defend themselves because they could end up dead and the attacker would go free," etc. I was definitely upset with a flood of emotions, but I told my husband that now isn't the time to have the conversation....with those first emotions of anger....especially with the kids.  I tried to just go on....but I couldn't act like what I had heard hadn't hurt or affected me emotionally.

It did. However, I had a job to do. For my family, I definitely wanted to find a way to talk about it once we, the parents, processed our anger and or other negative feelings so that we can properly present and explain it to our boys and baby girl. I remember my husband saying..."this changes how I have to raise my boys. The outcome of the verdict changes how I have to raise my sons." It was then at that moment ...that I began to think about what song I as going to sing for praise and worship. How the congregation's spirit may be heavy. I just heard God in my spirit say, no matter what, we don't change. Things are going to come and challenge us...but we don't change our beliefs based upon the outcome of the situations. We are spiritually mature and we are not ruled by the things of this world....thats all I heard.  So that's what I went in to lead praise and worship with...those were my words of comfort. We are spiritually mature and we are not moved by the things of this world. There are going to be many injustices in this life...but we can't be moved and change up. Praise and Worship was awesome and I truly sensed that there was garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness.

On the way home from church, my husband and I talked about it some more, as we had diff opinions as it concerned what the sermon should have been about.... i think my husband thought that the church should have addressed it..... I on the other hand, did not feel it was necessary.  So we both gave support for our premise. We articulated our thoughts...and I  must say that I enjoy these moments because discussing it stretches us to think and consider the others point of view.

There are some moments where I have shifts in my thinking...little spurts of change I guess and this was it. I  expressed to him that I feel that the situation with Trayvon Martin is a tragedy and I pray for the family. In the same respect, I honestly don't know what happened...I just know some of the things that were presented and that someone's child is dead because of it. It saddens me and it hurts. God on the other hand is aware of what happened. George Zimmerman is aware of what happened. Trayvon Martin is aware of what happened, however, he is deceased. And so because I don't know all the facts, I can only trust in God in this instance and let Him be the avenger.

Romans 12:17-21 

17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil.j Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.k 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.l 19 Do not take revenge,m my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”d n says the Lord. 20 On the contrary:

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;

if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.

In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”e o

21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

I feel thats the only way to not let a seed of distrust, of hate, and anger take root in me and or in my family....especially my children. I don't want to change the way I raise my children and teach them to distrust....I just don't want that. Of course my husband and I will delve into this deeper probably later on tonight so we can come to an agreement as to how to express this with the kids. But above all, this is a situation out of our control....and in this instance we have to trust God and stand on his word regardless of if the verdict goes against what we feel.  I think we have to demonstrate to our children how to navigate this without a little seed of fear, distrust, hate of another race/justice system, developing in them. I have to try to make sure no seed of anger gets rooted in my husband....as he has had enough experiences of discrimination to begin with.

I have to trust God in this situation, pray for the Martin Family, & even for the Zimmerman Family (eek even though I don't FEEL like it...I'mma still pray). I have to pray for my own family and that I will continue to raise my family to do the things of God and trust him regardless of the injustices that come our way. Sigh.

Sext, Love, & other Drugs

I never really thought about what kind of parent I wanted to be....other than a "cool" mom...who was still fly, still played a a lot, and was relatable to her kids....yup, that about sums it up. Now that I think more about it, the thought about my life as a parent, was so far from the words..."I Do." I just wanted to be with my boo forever and anything that came with him...I was wit it...you know the ride or die chick lol. But now as a mother, I know what kind of mother I strive to be...which is constantly evolving.  My goal is to raise emotionally intelligent, mature, dope people.  I mean I want my kids to be just soooo dope, smart, and aware in every area....but most of all, I want them to take advantage of their opportunities and be aware of the power in their choices. I think most parents want this... we  just have different approaches.....and then this thing called adolescence kicks in with your baby girl....and being the cool mom and other stuff goes out the window...lol.

I remember, as an adolescent saying, how I'm not going to be as a parent."Man, I'm not gonna trip out when I'm a parent, if they don't do their chores, I'mma let them go to the movies anyway......."you guys (my parents) are old...y'all can't relate"....blah blah blah" And then, as an adult, you read a text in your daughter's phone  that says, "nothin much but your @$$ on this dick,"from one of her male friends.  Inside Scream. Quick Composure. Southeast Tekeah (this ninja said what to my daughter!!). Gotta be cool...don't trip trip. All in one millisecond. Lawd a mercy!! Then the flashbacks of all the conversations I had in the car with my parents as an adolescent about boys and deceit and calling my parents old & "you don't understand," comes to mind. Time moves so fast. Now, I'm a parent with a teenage daughter!

Now, I'm the parent that checks social media, texts, instagram...and whatever else. And man, my daughter has way more avenues then I had for boy interaction and secretive communication amongst other thing (I think my parents had it way easier). I'm the parent that openly talks about sex, vaginas, penis's, body functions, body image, healthy eating, drugs,  dreams, perceptions, etc. I actually take information I learn from her social interaction to talk about different subjects....the hot topic right now is boys!   My daughter, who is def cut from a different thread, is shy, pretty, absorbed in social media (who isnt these days), dramatic, and secretive. The stage where your friends know everything and your parents are old and know only what you think they NEED to know.  So I think some times I come across to her as ewww why are we talking about this...but tell me more...but i'mma act like im not listening. I'm definitely not the cool parent that I envisioned myself being as of yet. Lol. Not the cool parent at all.

I don't know if I will be....right now, I do what I sense and feel is right. If that means checking her phone going thru text messages, having the talks where I have to be called old (which omg is mind-blowing...payback is something else...def reaping what I sowed to my parents)...I do it. I don't want her to make any of the decisions I made and the only way is to pray and show her that she has choices....empower her to make the best decisions for her life.

My approach is to challenge her to think differently and to not see things as just black and white. So we talk...sometimes she's engaged sometimes she's not....but I still talk. To her I'm not cool (Drats), but I'm weird because I talk about stuff her other parents don't really go into detail about. I talk to her about dating. My experiences...positive and negative.  Sometimes sigh...I'm tired.....this is for the birds...and then I read a text that she inquires if the guy is a virgin....how many times he's had sex and I smile. Knowing those questions came from one of our conversations about virgins and the different kinds of "virgins" and that you shouldn't be afraid to ask questions.  So growth. I'll take it. Though, I still want to be a cool mom.....i guess I'm still working in that area too. The journey continues....