"What I Have to Do"

Today's a beautiful day. I did a little bit of work here and there, worked out, went to my favorite place (the library.....tryna see if the last season of "The Wire" has come in lol) and lounged in the pool reading a book....and capped it off with being naked for the rest of the day (I know TMI but WINNING). The house is quiet, with the exception of the hum of the air conditioning. I'm in a relatively good place.  I have a lot thoughts to process just from this past weekend...so I'll definitely be writing up some stuff soon....but not right now. Right now, I 'm enjoying every aspect of today. I don't know when I did this last...just stopped and savored the moments of the day.

I've  spent so much time over the past week or so complaining about feeling like I "have to" work my part-time job.  I've come to the realization that I don't like to "have to do" anything.... the "having to do stuff," is a turn off.  I'm a free bird and "having to do" something...feels like I'm being caged/trapped. Actually, my husband helped me come to that conclusion and he even had anecdotes  to illustrate his points. Oh, how I love a man who can support a premise lol. I digress.  Anyways, ironically, I just recently accepted that as a grown up, lol, there are things that I "have to do." So over the last couple of days, I've changed my disposition....instead of complaining (I actually got tired of hearing myself)... I'm focusing on the positives and the things I have and like about my part-time job and the opportunities it has afforded me. I think continuously  talking negatively about a situation...makes you feel worse then what it really is. Instead, I'm thanking God and appreciating where I am.  Appreciating the process to get to where I'd like to be. Ha Ha (i just LOL'd) I'm maturing. One day at a time. I'm really working on having my joy about life be set---- unchangeable.... no matter what comes my way. I'm working hard at not rushing this life process...but enjoying the moments day by day.

So today I'm not on the go...I'm chillin...and I'm bout to enjoy my naked moments...literally and figuratively...and get back in the pool!

It's Morning...

Its morning...my favorite time of the day. I've always loved mornings....the newness of the day, the chance to start again.  Mornings, my most pensive moments. I've always loved them. I think I maybe loved them more because the mornings represented my "me times" for so long....represented my freedom to begin the day anyway that I liked....sometimes loud music/dance routines...sometimes dancing around the house naked (or just walking around the house with whatever on)...sometimes singing at the top of my lungs...sometimes just curling up with my cat, George, saying nothing...just anything goes! The simple liberties of free mornings! It's amazing the stuff you take for granted during your pre-married days.  You don't realize all of the value in them until things are switched around.

I AM NEWLY WED. Mornings. Adjustment. Living with others. Adjustment. Children in elementary, middle school, & high school (all with different bus schedules). Adjustment.  Living with non-morning people. BIG ADJUSTMENT!

I think one the biggest adjustments was adjusting to my mornings no longer being my own. Did I mention I was a morning person? My husband is a morning person too...that's one of the reasons why I love him so.... my children, absolutely not....tho my middle son is a bit better than the other two.  Combine that with different morning schedules (morning school bus). Eek I started to hate mornings. Not only could I no longer walk around the house naked ( I know TMI...but its such a simple joy for me lol), I now had to wake up and make sure everybody had and did everything they were supposed to do. Eek! My intermittent dance and singing routines on hold. So the bubbly Tekeah...was did you brush your teeth, put on deodorant, did you eat...all that. I don't want to do all that talking in the morning. I wanna chill and enjoy the birds.  Let creative juices flow.You know, reflect.  Then I couldn't understand why....get this...wait for it.... I couldn't understand, why I had to keep saying the same stuff, day after day, to the kids.  Apparently, I thought their learning curve was a bit slow....when in fact I had forgotten what its like to be a kid....so I guess my learning curve was a bit slow lol. Kids sometimes try your greatest area of improvement....which mine was/is patience.  I AM NEWLY WED! lol

Then on top of that...during the weekend...guess who wanted to continue the early morning ritual of being a morning person, my husband.  So let me get this straight, the only day I don't "have to" get up and ensure that everybody is up and at em...my husband wants to get up at 7 am and get the day going. Ninja please! Ha Ha! Can you imagine the turmoil.... *swings arm across the bed to cuddle with husband* Empty space. He is up doing something...working out...talking about cutting grass or something.  Boy Bye!

I sit and think about it now. He didn't change. I did.  My  morning routine differed. My needs changed. Initially for a while, I was blown and I would tell him. "I just want you to lay here with me." Ummm...next Saturday he'd be up and at em again.  I guess he thought I was talking about just last Saturday. I'm like what part did this ninja not understand? I'd tell him again, "I just want you to lay with me because this is the only day that I don't have to get up to do anything and I just want to enjoy this. I don't want to get up uber early on Saturdays when we don't have too" I had to keep saying that for a lil while until he got it. I had to continue to express my needs and wishes to him and he got it. Patience and repetitiveness. Constant re-evaluation of my communication--Is it clear? Does he understand what I'm asking?

I started to take the same approach with the kids. Though I ain't gonna lie, I really don't like having to say things more than once...idk where I get that from lol. Lawd knows my parents told me the same things  over and over for eons...until I got it? lol

I don't know why I'm writing about this now. Maybe because it's a Tuesday morning and the love for mornings is rekindled. Right now, the kids are at a point where, I don't have to tell them wake up, read for an hour, get dressed, eat breakfast....they can do that on there own. After a year and a half, they are growing. I am growing. All I ask now is did you do what you were supposed to do and they say yes Wee hee! Hallelujah! Breakthru!

I think sometimes in the moment, I think that things are always going to be a certain way forever. Then the emotions arise. I guess that's the drama queen in me. Taking a step back to make sure that I am communicating what it is that I want and just not assuming or thinking that people should know what I want or what I'm going thru, is key. One day at a time.

It is 9 am . They have already showered, dressed, made breakfast, and I didn't say a word. They even asked last night to go to the library to get a new book:) for their reading time. Oh yeah fist pump! Trouble don't last always...ha ha !

Sunday Morning, Family, Church & Trayvon Martin

Today started off....just weird First of all last night, I had several dreams intertwined that were definitely troublesome. I don't remember all of them but I probably should have written them down when I awoke this morning. The bit that I do remember involved a great uncle that I never met before ( but just heard of)...something related to death.... it was just weird. Next time, I'll try to remember to write my dreams down as soon as I wake up, but I was rushing this morning (which I hate especially when I have to lead Praise and Worship).  I had a little residue of those troublesome dreams but I pressed on. Got myself together, kids, hubby, and had just enough time to feed the dog and the cats (sure which they could feed themselves this morning lol). In the car, I continue to prepare  myself to lead praise and worship for the congregation (I normally replay the song a million times lol...go over and over etc...warm ups.. write notes...i get nervous sometimes)  when I heard the news on the radio that the jury had found George Zimmerman not guilty in the Trayvon Martin case. I screamed in the car. Complete Horror. I saw the look on my husbands face...the instant anger and disappointment. His response was, "I guess I need to tell the boys now that when a white man is chasing them to not defend themselves because they could end up dead and the attacker would go free," etc. I was definitely upset with a flood of emotions, but I told my husband that now isn't the time to have the conversation....with those first emotions of anger....especially with the kids.  I tried to just go on....but I couldn't act like what I had heard hadn't hurt or affected me emotionally.

It did. However, I had a job to do. For my family, I definitely wanted to find a way to talk about it once we, the parents, processed our anger and or other negative feelings so that we can properly present and explain it to our boys and baby girl. I remember my husband saying..."this changes how I have to raise my boys. The outcome of the verdict changes how I have to raise my sons." It was then at that moment ...that I began to think about what song I as going to sing for praise and worship. How the congregation's spirit may be heavy. I just heard God in my spirit say, no matter what, we don't change. Things are going to come and challenge us...but we don't change our beliefs based upon the outcome of the situations. We are spiritually mature and we are not ruled by the things of this world....thats all I heard.  So that's what I went in to lead praise and worship with...those were my words of comfort. We are spiritually mature and we are not moved by the things of this world. There are going to be many injustices in this life...but we can't be moved and change up. Praise and Worship was awesome and I truly sensed that there was garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness.

On the way home from church, my husband and I talked about it some more, as we had diff opinions as it concerned what the sermon should have been about.... i think my husband thought that the church should have addressed it..... I on the other hand, did not feel it was necessary.  So we both gave support for our premise. We articulated our thoughts...and I  must say that I enjoy these moments because discussing it stretches us to think and consider the others point of view.

There are some moments where I have shifts in my thinking...little spurts of change I guess and this was it. I  expressed to him that I feel that the situation with Trayvon Martin is a tragedy and I pray for the family. In the same respect, I honestly don't know what happened...I just know some of the things that were presented and that someone's child is dead because of it. It saddens me and it hurts. God on the other hand is aware of what happened. George Zimmerman is aware of what happened. Trayvon Martin is aware of what happened, however, he is deceased. And so because I don't know all the facts, I can only trust in God in this instance and let Him be the avenger.

Romans 12:17-21 

17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil.j Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.k 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.l 19 Do not take revenge,m my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”d n says the Lord. 20 On the contrary:

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;

if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.

In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”e o

21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

I feel thats the only way to not let a seed of distrust, of hate, and anger take root in me and or in my family....especially my children. I don't want to change the way I raise my children and teach them to distrust....I just don't want that. Of course my husband and I will delve into this deeper probably later on tonight so we can come to an agreement as to how to express this with the kids. But above all, this is a situation out of our control....and in this instance we have to trust God and stand on his word regardless of if the verdict goes against what we feel.  I think we have to demonstrate to our children how to navigate this without a little seed of fear, distrust, hate of another race/justice system, developing in them. I have to try to make sure no seed of anger gets rooted in my husband....as he has had enough experiences of discrimination to begin with.

I have to trust God in this situation, pray for the Martin Family, & even for the Zimmerman Family (eek even though I don't FEEL like it...I'mma still pray). I have to pray for my own family and that I will continue to raise my family to do the things of God and trust him regardless of the injustices that come our way. Sigh.

I AM NEWLY WED...

For the last couple of days, my emotions have been a world-wind. High, Low, frustrated, angry, happy, grateful, etc...I mean, really, a world-wind. I can't really put my finger on it...on the point of origin...all  I can say is that I AM NEWLY WED!  Am I blaming my marriage for this emotional uproar...no. I have a wonderful stupendous handsome and supportive husband and children (though they frequently get on my nerves...and I do mean frequently). I am coming to understand that the transition from one state to another, from single to marriage, from care of self to care of family, from individual dreams to family dreams, is an adjustment. I don't think I realized how it would affect me, but I realize  now that I'm changing, both growing and resisting the process that comes with transitioning in this phase in life. I also realized that I don't have a true outlet other than my husband.  He is truly my best friend in every sense of the word. I tell him everything, which is good and bad too. Sometimes I just need to vent, but most times he wants to fix it. He's a good man, what can I say.  So I figured I'd use this to express my changes, my feelings,  of being Newly Wed.  I am brutally honest and will just be expressing the rawness of my experiences and emotions. Some may have a positive note, some may not...who knows..just know that its honest.

Below is a picture of my family. My husband and I married November 19, 2011 and in holy matrimony  ( I always wanted to say that lol), I joined him and his 3 beautiful children (did I mention they get on my nerves frequently lol). Meet the Masons:)