How To Make Birthdays Special in Blended Families

Birthdays come and go. Me, I just recently had a birthday. I'm 35. Yup 35 with 6 kids. Woo sah! Lol! But enough about my birthday (which was awesome) lets talk about birthdays in a blended family.

Birthdays in a blended family are different and special. The reality is that when there are court orders and visitation  schedules, celebrating your child's actual  birthday on their birthday doesn't happen as often as you'd like. There have been consecutive years where we haven't had our kids on their actual birthdays, but it has never stopped the party. When we were newly married, we decided that not having our children on their b-day would not be a source of contention or negativity... And we stuck to it. We don't dwell on not having them in our physical custody on their birthday; it's not a big deal. What 's a big deal is that they're celebrated :) So we celebrate their birthday normally before their birthdate or right after if we don't have them on their actual b day.  We made a family tradition out of it. We have our festivities and then we conclude it with a family dinner in which we go around the table and each person says why they're thankful for the  b day person. I didn't really realize how much they were looking forward to it, until we went out for my birthday. They were like, dad don't forget, we got to do that thing! Lol!  That thing.. aka saying why they're thankful for the honoree (and of course they love the celebratory dinners cuz it's a night to eat out)! The kids reminding us of our family tradition highlighted how,we,as parents, influence our children's perceptions. We, the parentals, set the mood and the tone and normally the kids will adjust to however you set the tone (be it negative/positive). It was was weird when we first started it in 2011, but now they know what to expect and even look forward to it.

So here's a couple of suggestions to make a blended family birthday special:

1. Don't focus on the other parent (they had them x amount of years on their birthday it's my turn..blah blah blah)

-- Remember Birthdays are about the child. They shouldn't feel like they're in the middle.

2. Create your own ritual/tradition that you do every year. 

3. Decide to celebrate before or after and let them know.

6. Make a big deal and let them know that you're thankful that they've lived another year!

Here's a pic from a bday last year ... No sad faces in the building! Lol

Death Sucks! Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

Death sucks! Lately, I've heard of so many stories of sudden or tragic deaths. I hate it. I feel so powerless and I'm always wishing there was something I could do to change the outcome. Sadly, I can't.  

I wish I could've changed the news about a married couple I'd worked with just last summer. I was told that the husband died in his sleep. I was shocked! I think I'd finished up this married couples' interview in July 2014 and he died in December 2014.  Man, that messed me up. I didn't have a close relationship with him or anything, but I grieved for his wife. When doing their couple's interview, I felt the connection that they had for one another and to hear that their union was cut short really hurt me and shook me up.

I thought about my husbands mortality. How I don't want to lose him and how much I value him. I value our time together and I told him so.

Not too long after I shared with my hubby how much I value him, we had a tift about something. I don't even remember what it was about, but during that tift God reminded me that I said that I value my husband and our time together. So, why waste time?

If something were to happen would you be satisfied with this being the last moment with your hubby? Now, I know nothing is going to happen to us but this question shifted my perspective. Instead of holding on to the anger and the check out phase (intentionally ignoring with the poked out lip lol), it caused me to want to bounce back more quickly after a tift.  I no longer wanted to waste that time or energy.... I can't get that time back.... And that negative energy steals golden moments.

Now, I'm not perfect ... But as I get older, how I spend my time and energy has become more important and so I try to remember these 3 things:

-Every moment with my framily counts.

-I purpose to have our last interaction be on a high note.... (A simple, I love you at the end or I appreciate you is a great add on for this)

-I let them know (although it may be random) via text, phone, gift, etc. that I value them. 

Let me reiterate, I'm not perfect.... I just want to capitalize on loving those in my life while they're here on this earth.

When Being "You" Isn't Good Enough!

It's about 4 am in the morning and I just finished pumping breast milk and writing a brief letter to my 12 year old daughter. I'm a first time mother of a 12 year old much like I'm a first time mother of  two 11 year olds (1 being autisic), 14, 18, and a soon to be 8 month old. A lot of firsts and tho it pains me to say this, I don't always make the right decisions all the time. I know that's hard to believe (LOL), but It just doesn't happen that way.  As I become a better mother day by day, I find that "what is right" is often at war with my vulnerability.  The battle between being the parent and being transparent and open enough for my children to mature into authentic feeling human beings is real.

Internal Conflict. Growing Pains.

Especially when being transparent means   to admit your mistakes and or your areas of growth & improvement and ignore the hierarchy or power struggle inherent in parent child relationships. All of that while growing and maturing personally. Yup. Work. 

Which brings me to the brief letter I wrote to my 12 year old daughter. It started with these words, "I love you and I'm thinking about you."   Something simple yet complex at the same time. Vulnerability walking on the tightrope of parenthood. An area in which i'm continuously pulling back the onion as I realize that in order to give my children what they need, it means to put,"how i am," as a person to the side. 

The way I've been for almost 35 years is enough for my survival and serves me well, yet my style of survival is not enough to meet the needs of my child. So, I'm doing the work to shift and morph to become what my child needs.  A person who dotes on her, makes her the center of attention, crafts with her, etc.  It's not east to be stretched in this capacity. It's downright uncomfortable and sometimes I feel like a traitor to my core. I'm the person who doesn't like people invading her space or clingyness/needy folks but I must become the one who enjoys her space to be invaded for the sake of the health and development of my beautiful 12 year old child.

I'm vulnerable and outside of my comfort zone...but I'm willing and so starts the beginning of my letter to my daughter, 

"I love you and I'm thinking about you."

  

Do You Really Have to Grow Up?!

I'm tired. As I sit here and rest my eyes in between thoughts, I peer over at my little one. I have a 7 month old child who came from my womb.  Wow. I'm still amazed at her existence. Her little body...well, her getting thick, little body. lol. It's amazing. My amazement is due in part because she is a verbal & spirtual prayer that has manifested.  I'm so glad that I documented each phase. I wrote poems about her back in 2002. I have clothing that I purchased from garage sells when I was in faith for a child

that she now wears (peep the bathing suit tacked on the wall).  I have vision boards and all that. It's utterly amazing.  I knew the day would come, but it just doesn't compare to the reality that I am living.  Now I find myself just trying to hold on to every moment that I can. I guess that's why I'm writing this as a way to come to terms that my baby is steadily developing and growing.  It seems like only yesterday I was pregnant, and now we're slowly headed towards celebrating a 1 yr old.  Time is moving too fast and I don't know what to do with time and it's continual progress. What do you do when your dream and or vision starts to grow up. What do you do when you know you're trying to hold on, when you should be letting go and transitioning/welcoming the next phase. So I'm here. Sitting and watching her sleep. Holding on to these moments and working at transitioning to the next phase. I'm wondering if this "holding on" is representative of other areas in my life where I need to transition certain things and let go.

How to Have 6 Children in 3 Years!

Some say that having children is easy and in our case it certainly seems that way. Over the course of 3 years we've had a family spurt and have had 6 children in 3 years.  So I've  gone from being a single woman with a cat to being married with 3 children (2011), to being married with 3 children and 2 cousins (who we adopted) (2013), to finally, being married with 6 children (the addition of my 1st biological child in 2014). Our house, as it stands, is like the modern day Brady bunch aka the Mason Herd or Mason bunch (2 parents, 6 children, 2 cats, and 1 dog). Lawd, a Mercy!!

So forgive me, if it's almost been a year since my last blog post. The last time I posted, I had just found out that I was pregnant. Now, my little one is 7 months old today! Wowzers, time sure does fly and I'm doing my best to keep up.   While I was on vacation, I started thinking about how I got to this point.  My family and I just returned from vacation this morning as a matter of fact. During our travels, I did a lot of thinking and I resolved that I needed to return to writing. Well I thought about a lot of other things too....you, too, would do a lot of thinking if you had a master vacation planned by the master planner of vacations, my husband.

Let me just hit you with our itinerary real quick: (auto train to Florida), Florida resort (Sat.-Tues), Disney World (Wed.) Disney Camp Ground (Tues- Sat.), Rubyhouse Ranch (Sat-Sun)....this is 8 people including traveling with  a new born (and I'm still breastfeeding). Side bar: i love my husband...but geez,I's tired. Needless to say, all that thinking led me back to writing about my experiences,  those lessons learned and unlearned. But before I returned, I thought it best that I make these rules (I just had to make some boundaries for this thing as I have a compulsive/perfectionist component to my personality lol):
-I will not  beat myself up, if I don't get to write a blog post....or its not "Deep" Life happens!  If I get to write one cool...if not, I say this as I am currently trying to win the battle  between me and my 7 month old as she is trying to steal my computer, Oh Well!

-I will continue to write, rather people click on the link or not.  My experiences are mine, and though insight can be gained from them...they are mine....it's okay if some things are relatable and some things aren't.

-I'm not perfect. The God inside of me is...however, I do not always follow his voice or his instructions immediately....so I make mistakes here and there lol...I am not perfect, but my heart is willing to learn, to fail, and to get back up again.

Welcome back to IAMNEWLYWED...the journey continues! Did you figure out how to have 6 children in 3 years?!

"Get Permission" From your Spouse/Mate?!

 I'm a free spirit. I love exploring the things that  bring me joy and happiness. So depending on the day you may find me singing, baking, working out, crocheting,  reading, painting,  group discussions, etc....whatever... it's fun and it's my life.  This free spirit and liberty didn't truly materialize until I made it my mission to pursue joy and happiness after I resigned from my full time job as a social worker in 2010. At that time, I was dating my boyfriend (who is now my husband) when I came to that conclusion.

We talked about  me quitting my job. Now, we'd been dating for about 2 years and some change and  were already having conversations about marriage,  pre-marital counseling, etc. So hence,  I felt this was a conversation we should have if we were planning to spend the future together.  It went something like, hey I think I'm going to resign from my job, how would you feel about that.  He was cool with it. I quit my job.

Now, I wasn't just willy nilly about it. I was strategic in that even if I didn't get married for 5 years or even to my husband, I made sure that quitting my job was a choice that I could live with.  In other words, me first, him second.  I  made sure I could sustain my life and my needs without the help of my boyfriend (I paid  off every bill except for my house and car, I had a part time job, cut off anything that wasn't a necessity, and had savings, and continued to tithe). My income was not combined with my boyfriend. My decision wasn't based on a man, yet a discussion was had based upon our relationship.  There are nuggets that I've learned as a result of  my education as a social worker: Women are more likely to give up their dreams for a man more so than a man will for a woman.  So I purposed to not fall into that statistic.

I'm still self-employed and an independent contractor. I'm still a free spirit who has a lot of hobbies. There is a slight difference though.  In my premarital state, I asked by boyfriend what he thought and or included him in the discussion, but as a married woman, I ask for permission.  Permission...it almost sounds like a curse word lol!

Yup, this grown woman asks for permission from her mate and in turn he does the same as well. We consider each other. It's not about the person owning you and or having control over you, but it's more so about being on the same page. Consulting with the one you choose as your mate.  Maybe they see a different perspective that you don't see.  There are a lot of things that I may want to do at a particular time and I'll ask him and he may say go right ahead and other times he may say wait for a little bit (normally the wait a little bit, is not because he finds pleasure in denying me, but it has a greater purpose..maybe the timing isn't right)..and I wait.  I know that this hits the nerve for a lot of folk... like I'm grown I don't need their permission...then why get married? Do you, by yourself lol! Just serious!  But really permission is not bad especially when you know your mate wants nothing but the best for you..in fact, in my book, asking for permission=peace...permission=communication...permission=same page

I think we started considering each other before we were even married and it transitioned well into marriage, but with added importance. I don't know where we'd be without "Permission" in our marriage.

How Much Should You Change For Your Mate?!

I know the declarations I made in my pre-marital state. I'mma be this way, I'mma do this, etc. My interests premaritally were  on me .... how I wanted to look and or wanted to be.  Now that I'm married, I still have some of those same thoughts of how I want to look, be, and or things I want to do.... however there is great consideration and submission to my husband.

I thought about this as I was preparing to get a new hairstyle last weekend. I wanted a change from the weaves. I wanted something different, but I just didn't know what. I talked to my husband about some options: braids, etc. I showed him pics of what I was considering and  he didn't like quite a few. In the end, I didn't get a hairstyle that he didn't like.

Some may think uhh, it's just a hairstyle.... And it is. More than that, it is an expression of my love for him. I understand that I represent more than myself and I am his wife. I aim to please him :) in every way that I can.  Now don't get me wrong we have our artistic differences  like the time when I wanted to run to the   store in short gym shorts and  thigh high muggle socks and a winter coat.....  Lol.. Yeah I tried. It happens. But overall I have made changes for my man because the consideration is no longer "just about me" but it's about him and how it will affect our relationship.

People  may disagree with me...but I firmly believe that when you're married you should change for your mate. I believe that your core values should already line up before marrying so I so think the changes that take place shouldn't be that life altering.

It's a part my of wife description to know my man... Likes and dislikes.... And for me sometimes that may mean changes.  I don't think it makes you a weak person, I believe it's such a great demonstration of love.... Considering "us" before me.

What are your thoughts on this?!

Before 

After 

What R &B Sensation, Kindred the Family Soul, Can Teach Us About Sex, Music, & Family

I'm always seeking to learn. Always. I think that the willingness to learn and increase your skill and information base is the ingredient that separates the average from above average.... the ordinary from the extra-ordinary. So, I was lead to search for people who are happily married, pursuing their dreams, while simultaneously building their families. I thought, they exist, right?!! Where are they?!!  What are the ingredients that they're using for their success?!! Let's share it with the world right?! So I sought out my first celebrity interview with Kindred the Family Soul..and here's what they had to say...

Iamnewlywed: I remember first seeing you all performing at a summer block party in Philadelphia on the same bill with a group called United Soul (now Ucity) in 2000, which was over 13/14 years ago. How much of your life has changed since then (music, family, relationships)?

Kindred the Family Soul: Everything and not much. Of course now we are 4 albums in, six children and traveled all over the world but the goals are the same. Make great music, be good to each other, raise a healthy family.

Iamnewlywed: Kindred the Family Soul is a successful R & B duo in the music industry with longevity (recently celebrating 10 years in the industry), what are some of the lessons that you've learned as a result of having a career in music?

Kindred the Family Soul: Business is not always so kind to creativity. You must be grateful and patient. What is for you is for you, comparing your career to others is a big mistake. Be an expert at being you.

Iamnewlywed: What is it like to balance individual life/dreams, marriage life/dreams, family life/dreams, and music/ dreams? Does one suffer at the expense of another?

Kindred the Family Soul:   There are moments when you must prioritize as in any persons life. We try to be practical and communicate with each other and our children so no one feels slighted. There are times when we all have been disappointed but we are committed to each other and find ways to take up the slack.

Iamnewlywed: How have you been able to maintain your relationship, your music, and your family?

Kindred the Family Soul:  prayers, the prayers of others. God's grace and mercy. Patience. Arguments. Forgiveness. Love. Desire.

Iamnewlywed: On Instagram, we see postings of your children singing, having birthdays, school shopping, and enjoying their childhood. How many children do you have, what are their age ranges, and how do you maintain a sense of connectedness and normalcy while adhering to the demands of your tour schedules?

Kindred the Family Soul: Six. 3 to 14. We talk to them...a lot. We enjoy their company. We discipline them. We try to help them understand that this is "our" normal. Some parents go to an office, we sing. Mostly God blessed us with awesome kids. Flawed, funny,smart,loving, awesome freakin kids.

Iamnewlywed:What are the 10 major ingredients to your relationship that has led you to a successful marriage?

Kindred the Family Soul: Patience, Forgiveness, Kindness, Passion, Faith, Commitment, Laughter, Strength, honesty, Sacrifice All have been learned and we still struggle with some of them. but they are essential and we know it.

Iamenewlywed: Reminiscing on your newlywed state, what are the top 5 things people need to know before entering a marriage?

Kindred the Family Soul: You will have major challenges that you cannot predict so be patient when they arrive. You can do it. Make your own rules. Listen. Take accountability.

Iamnewlywed: Fatin, what are the things men need to know? Aja, what are the things women need to know?

Kindred the Family Soul: Make no expectations that are not based in conversation and agreement with your spouse. Make it short and sweet but clear and to the point
Love him up...always
Never underestimate the power of lack of sex to destroy your relationship

Iamnewlywed:You have total of 4 albums: Surrender to Love, In This Life Together, The Arrival, and Love Has No Recession, and if you had to choose, what album/ song is your favorite, and for what reason?

Kindred the Family Soul: Don't have a favorite. Love them all equal and for different reasons

Iamnewlywed: What do you want your supporters to take from your music?

Kindred the Family Soul: Honesty, relatability, and inspiration

Iamnewlywed:You are conquering music and family life, so what else can we expect from Kindred the Family Soul in 2014?What's next?

Kindred the Family Soul: Community service

Iamnewlywed:What legacy would you like to leave behind for your supporters and for your children?

Kindred the Family Soul: Use your art/ experience to inspire your life and and others 

Thank you Kindred the Family Soul for these jewels. All I can say is that the wisdom shared in this interview is priceless.  It was truly an honor interviewing Kindred the Family Soul. Please go out and support them by purchasing their albums,  attending their concerts, and following them on social media. Check out their website at www.Kindredthefamilysoul.com and get their albums on iTunes:)

Also, what were the jewels and nuggues that shined brightly to you?! I would love to hear your thoughts and insight!

Here's a couple of mine:  The way my family is...is our "normal."
"Never underestimate the power of lack of sex in destroying a relationship"....  wow!

What are some of yours?!!

When pregnancy goes wrong.

I remember like it was yesterday. I had just graduated from undergrad, University of Pittsburgh (hail

Pitt!)... which by far was a joyous occasion and yet a sad one. Joyous because I'd survived my last semester and sad because it didn't include my first love (my first serious boyfriend and I had broken up).  Nonetheless, he came up for my graduation and we had sex (I thought that "making love" meant we were getting back together...naive). I can remember a conversation with my girlfriend ...her telling me to count 14 days since the end of my last cycle and arriving at the conclusion that I'm ovulating. The remedy: student health center for the morning after pill.

Memorial Day. I realize this tingling sensation in my boobs won't go away. I find out I'm pregnant. I'm 21 yrs old.

8 weeks and one day. The doctors can't find my baby's heartbeat.Miscarried. My world shattered.

It's one thing to find out your pregnant and it's unplanned, but it's another feeling to accept your foolish decisions and accept the idea, only to have the rug pulled from under you. But all in all, I dealt with it.  I asked God for forgiveness and dealt with the reality that I may or may not have caused the miscarriage of my child.

Fast forward. I'm married and we're planning to be pregnant. What's amazing is that I realize that as a woman, I didn't like my "period" (cramps), then I worried about when my "period"didn't come (panic if I was having sex) ... And now I'm stressed when my "period" does come (when I see the sight of it, I'm saddened). This sucks period lol (pun intended)!

Miscarriages steal life and I don't believe they are the will of God. Furthermore, they try to etch pain in your memory to hold you down from the future. Often times when I get my "period" the past of miscarriage tries to speak to me and discourage me.... Thank God for the confidence in His word that I'm forgiven and for a husband who knows my past as well as my future (it's important).

This last time when I was saddened and in tears at the sight of my period , my husband held me and said, "don't worry sweets, God knows what He's doing."

I received what he said like it was medicine to my soul. To everyone who has ever had a miscarriage this is for you. God loves you and don't  allow it to speak to and or hinder your future.  

How to Make Room for "You" This Year!

This year's in full effect and it's already moving so fast. We're in the 2nd week of January, my kids resumed school this past Monday, I have my vision board completed, yet there's so much to do. My mind is swarming with all of my dreams and goals for this year, along with life's demand's and things that need to be done with my husband, my family, etc. I've been so busy trying get so much done... scheduling doctor's appointments, following up with my kid's schools, I forgot about including moments for myself.

It's amazing that yesterday, when I was sending an e-mail to my greenteasoul zumba army (fitness club) about attending their zumba sessions,  I told them to  PUT IN PEN (not pencil), A Date for Themselves...schedule  time in their agenda's, phone calendars, and block it out as unavailable. We do it for everything else, work, church, seminars, school, etc; however, we normally don't apply the same principle as it concerns ourselves.   Why is that?! We do everything for everybody else and then by the time we're finished, we're spent and have no energy left for ourselves. It leaves us drained and frustrated. Bump that lol!  My e-mail to them was a reminder to myself, "What time have you scheduled so that "You" are included in your day?" Blank Stare. I had none scheduled. So what happens when you don't purposefully schedule time for yourself. Time dissipates just like sand thru the hour glass and before you know it the day is over.

So I've decided, that there's no time like the present to get it going.  I'm not going to go thru the motions and get lost living and doing the operations of life. Instead, I'm going take moments to breathe, feel, and be life. Plus, with so much going own, a pause for the cause is essential, for our mental health. So here we go.

1. Write a list of at least 5-7 things that bring you joy that can be done 1-5 mins.
Depending on your schedule, you could have longer times to spare, just start with "some time" and stick to it.

My list:
-write one thing that you're thankful for: a moment to appreciate one thing makes me smile and laugh and lets me know...life isn't bad

-light a candle/spray a home spray mist/air freshener - smell -it  it's something about a great smell that just takes me to another place:) Aromotherapy:)

-identify a song that you love - sing it or dance to it- singing and dancing always brings me joy!

-take a walk around the block and look up at the sky and trees- I love nature and appreciate beauty

-find youtube clips that make you laugh- right now my thing is to search for laughing babies- they tickle my socks   (laughter is medicine)

-hot tea moment: have a cup of hot tea and just breathe:)

- make something:): sometimes drawing, crocheting, a cartoon:) just makes me happy

2. Now schedule your time:) what specific time will your me time be? Put it in your phone, your outlook email calendar:) and set a reminder:)

I like the mornings or middays but everyone is different.  This week I'm going for 9:30 am:) Remember its only 1-5 minutes to start:)


3. Plot your list in your calendar during the scheduled time  You can doing something different everyday, or do one thing daily for a week...

 here's my list
Tues:  write one thing I'm thankful for:)

Wed: candle/mist  (i''mma add looking at my paris calendar:)  while i'm doing my aromatherapy

Thurs: song that I love

Fri: Walk

Sat: laugh at Baby Youtube clips

4. No social media or phone interruptions during your date... (this is the date with you)


5. Do it and stay committed:) and notice the difference:)

I would love to hear some of your ideas for your simple 1-5 min joys:) that way we can switch it up:) so let me hear your ideas and what you're going to do:)

What do you think of me?!!

Well I've been having a blast over the past couple of weeks with my husbands staycation!! He has been off work for two weeks!! Yippee!! I can't express how awesome its been just enjoying my husband. My dream would be for him to stay at home with me and we just travel the world, visiting diff bed and breakfasts, and writing about our experiences....that would be so awesome. But we are not there just yet. In the midst of enjoying my hubsters, school has commenced and with that are the early mornings etc... And all the business that comes with school. 

Well before school started, I did an exercise with the family taken from one of the various books I've been reading. The exercise was to list positive things about  each person in the family. So we did it. At the end, I took everyone's list and created one individual list comprised of all the postive thoughts for each person gave it to them at the end.  I was utterly amaZed about what the children thought of me. I mean amazed. There were descriptions like "lives life." I didn't even know they noticed. Lol. 

I gave them all their lists and they enjoyed it!  I keep my list and look it at from time I time as encouragement in the moments where I feel like my kids are purposefully trying to hurt and or be mean to me. Helps me to get past that moment more swiftly. Try it with your kids and friends. I'd def like to try this with my family and friends too:) 

Just wanted to let them know that at the end of they day... This is what we think of you:)

Single grocery shopping vs family grocery shopping

I've always enjoyed grocery shopping. Something about going thru the aisles, finding the best deals, and finding my favorites has always been therapeutic for me. As a single woman, I had my grocery bill down to a science and I had the luxury of deciding when or if I would eat. ohhhh but I Am Newlywed lol! My how things have changed. My grocery bill ha!! My favorites (house full of fruit) have become too expensive and were gone in a matter of days with kids in the house. Get this, kids eat all the time! Especially when they are bored lol! And! Kids Have to eat at least the minimum of 3 full meals  a day! So no deciding,hey y'all just not gonna eat right now, like I could do as a single. 

So what did I do! Well, I did what I do most times when I don't know something.... Tried various experiments... not so successful... regrouped...Then went to my fav place that has all the answers..... drum roll... i went to the library with two goals.... Save money and learn how to shop for families.

I got a book called click and coupon:) awesome read:). It taught me how to shop. One of the tips was that you make your weekly menu/ shop by the stuff that's on sale instead of just shopping for the things you want. So I tried that first. It worked!!! I was able to save so much money as I didn't pay full price for anything. Now I have a mantra that my goal is to not pay full price for anything :)  in addition to making that change, I got exposed to the world of couponing! Omg!! I was amazed at how a little planning and snipping went so far! I've gotten free floss, snacks for the kids, rita's ice, and cut down on my grocery bill:) I combine my coupons with the sales papers to get the optimum deals:) I love saving money:) and guess what... There are websites that tell u the best deals and what coupons go with deal! Love it! My husband didn't understand it but now he does. He would say if I hear you say you have a coupon for that one more time lol!  I get stuff for .55  or lower and that's when I buy 2 or 3 which holds me over to the next sales etc. Little changes like this work :) wee hee I'm not too young to coupon! 

In fact, I wish I did this in my single state as I would have saved more money!!

It's just one of them days...

I remember a song by the artist Monica... "It's just one of them days that a girl goes thru, when I'm angry inside, don't want to take it out on you"  Oh how I loved that song...ha ha and i still do. I believe it was talking about pms and the emotions that come with it.

I don't think I hear too many women talk about their pms and how it could effect their marriage or family for that matter. Well, this may be TMI for some but oh well it's purging time. I think as a single woman who lived on her own, I realized that I was emotional during a certain time  but it didn't affect anyone but me since I lived alone... Well me and my cat. I mean I would watch movies and cry over silly parts (I'm already a cryer but it'd be much worse). I wouldn't want to be around anyone and I'd just chill in my house. It didn't really affect anyone but me. But it's different when you have a family and husband. You can't just run away or seclude yourself once a month.... Even if I tried I'm sure they'd find me lol. Anyways,  I noticed that during those times the littlest thing irritated me or I felt attacked..... Crying, full of anger, things seems way more intense then they really are, etc. oh how I hate it lol.  But then once that period passes (ha ha pun intended) I'm fine. It's like a sense of normalcy. I'm normally able to communicate "hey babe i feel a little down and i'm trippin" but last month was out of control.  I mean my husband told me later, he was like, I just wanted my wife back. So I got to the bottom of it.... Guess what it was?!' Coffee!!! Over this last month my intake of coffee has been overboard. Now I knew that coffee affected me and I had stopped (my doctor told me some time ago about caffeine) but i guess the taste of coffee made me forget and i got back on the wagon. The caffeine in coffee increases pms symptoms, irritability, fatigue, breast tenderness, mood swings, period irregularity, etc. all that. So after analyzing my behavior, which i do often, the caffeine has got to go! I felt so bad for wanting to rip my husbands face off  And of course i apologized. So I have to do what i know:) eliminate the caffeine and work out! 

But would you know that even thru my rough period, my husband had set up a date for me. This guy!  Regardless of the funk that I was in he loved me thru it, gave me space, forgave me, and even had a date waiting in the wind (he said he arranged the date at the height of my emotions). Lawd, he reminds of me of God the father! Here are some pics from our date

When Date Night Goes Wrong....

I wish I could say that I'm the most perfect wife...and that I do almost everything right....but I can't...I  really wish I could but I can't. I wish I could say that I even knew why I act the way I do in real time moments, but most times I don't. I'm what you call a slow processor...I normally get "it" after the fact.....the chief analyzer. So most times I won't respond in the  moment....but maybe a day or so later...or there are sometimes where I will respond in the moment. Guess it depends on the weather lol.

Like yesterday. Tuesday is our normal date night and it was going well until.... well, I felt left out of a conversation that my husband had with our daughter. One thing I can't stand is feeling left out. Anyways, when superman says he had a talk with Belle...and i ask oh how'd it go?...his response is, it went well. So I prod more...because "it went well" tells me nothing and then he shuts down on me. So I expressed my feelings, " i don't like it when..... i feel...you know, the express your feelings jib.  Regroup and move on. So we had fun during our dinner...we sought to either bless a couple or our waiter. We decided on the waiter and so we blessed him really well. Giving always puts us in a good mood. So as we're headed out, I start playing, putting my finger in his ear etc. To make a long story short, I wanted to bite him on his nose (lol it's a love nibble, not too hard, tho I have once before, bitten him too hard...but i 've learned)...and he was like ummm no i don't like it. And for some reason I just had to nibble on his nose ....my way of professing my love, but he wouldn't let me. He nibbles my nose all the time...mainly because he knows I love it...this is prob TMI...but oh well. Needless to say, he was like love shouldn't cause pain ....and that my love is wrong. Ok. Volcano erupts. IAMNEWLYWED. I am done for the night. I go to sleep angry. Wake up angry. He wants to talk. I don't. I want to run. I bake cookies. He wants to talk. I don't.

There are even moments where I actually want to let go and talk. I don't. I hold on. I was telling a colleague today about the situation and how I knew I was wrong...and I knew this issue was not the source of my anger.  It's funny that I actually didn't have peaceful sleep because superman wouldn't let me nibble on his nose. I battled with rationalizing that it was because he said my love was wrong....but in actuality thats not even it. Its not it at all. I know I probably should have journaled all of my emotions before seeing superman yesterday evening. My anger started long before he even got home. It started with the result of a pregnancy test. Only one stripe, not two. Thoughts of being a failure because in spite of all the information I consumed about pregnancy, the test read only one stripe. Period is late, but one stripe. I've had many dreams of pregnancy all this month. Only one stripe.

So in essence, I used my husband to unleash all the anger I could. I woke up angry and wanted to scratch his eyeballs out.....though he was not the reasoning behind the anger. Then I was disappointed with  myself for being so angry and mean to him on today. Sometimes the ones closest to it reap the harvest of seeds that haven't even sowed. I'm guilty. I'm sorry for not connecting my feelings earlier.

From physical parenting to cyber-parenting: it never ends!

Fresh off of gaining a Zumba license and a staycation with superman, now it's back into the swing of things. 

Parenting never ceases even when they're not physically in your presence..... Even the word I don't like, "step-parent," continues to exist even when the kids aren't with us. I was reminded of that yesterday when I texted another parent and identified myself as my daughter's other mom. She responded you mean step-parent and I said no, i don't like like the term. For some reason step-parent has a negative connotation... You know Cinderella and the wicked step-mother or the stereo type of the sexually abusing step-father..... I just don't Iike the unspoken ideas that come with the word step-mother or step parent...it truly doesn't capture my hope for my children and creates a divide in the family (like because i didnt birth them, i dont care them) .Maybe that's just me. Oh we'll i digress.

Well, yest i had to go into parent mode due to my daughters interaction on Instagram and she wasn't even with us.  For the purpose of this blog we gonna call my daughter, Belle. Yes, Belle is on Instagram just like most in the world. Though it can get rather crazy with adolescents and Instagram. So many different avenues that they can use for foolery.... And it's big distraction. Anyways, Belle asked a question  (on instagram) of her "boo" that her father and I felt was inappropriate. (Side bar: if your children have Instagram, I advise that you follow them, etc to insure pictures and content is appropriate).

So although belle was not with us... I gave correction via Instagram to her and her "boo" and also let her mom know as well. Yeah I know, I'm not the cool mom... But I don't care... Being cool and teaching my daughter to be the best woman she can be, don't necessarily go hand and hand, at times lol.

So I did what I thought had to be done. When she returns there will be a follow up discussion. But in the mean time,I contacted her "boo's" mom who didn't view it as a big deal. Woosah! I didn't argue back in forth... I simply stated that its inappropriate and my daughter is a lady and that I wanted to keep her in the loop as his parent.

I'm learning more and more that I don't have to prove my point or go tit for tat. State your case and roll out. It's okay if they don't agree. (And I love healthy debates lol... So this is growth)

Parenting doesn't stop. Eek and the grief I gave my parents going thru the dating phase, has a whole new meaning!

Dreams vs. Marriage?! Which wins?!!

I thought I'd have time to write a new post yesterday, but I didn't. After taking the Zumba training to become a licensed zumba instructor, I was beyond pooped. As we speak  my abs, ham strings, and glutes are soooore but i got that license lol. It's official, I'm licensed to teach Zumba, a goal that was on this years dream board:) One marked off the list lol *insert fist pump*

Dream,dreams,dreams!!! I have so many and thank God for a husband who encourages them all. Special kudos to those who've married free spirits and dreamers ..... Cuz we have different dreams by the seconds and minutes. It def takes a special kind to support and nurture us:) I ain't Lyin!

Well this morning, superman and I were taking about our dreams and how they have changed etc. From time to time we do family and marriage devotional (crosswalk.com) and this one had the following questions:

Have you ever had to give up any of your dreams for someone?
• How do you feel now about those old dreams?
• What new dreams do you have for yourself and for us as a couple?

How will you help each other to accomplish your dreams?

How ironic because I'd already planned to write this post. 

Reflecting, in the beginning of "IAMNEWLYWED" state, i was angry, because I felt I had to give up some of my dreams to be what I thought a family should be. I took off singing for a while to adjust to married life when I didn't have to.... But that's what I thought I had to do.... Only after talking to superman did I realize I didn't have to. 

Now, I think that I can have my dreams and be married. I do feel that there is something that I have to relinquish as a result of being married... And that is the impulsivity... The having what I want when I want it... I have to give that up.  So sometimes as it concerns some of my dreams, I have to exhibit patience and trust in God that "my time" will not escape me. Just like in the case of Zumba... I originally wanted to do it last August but our family was in the process of moving and so I waited.  "My time" didn't escape me, even though I got the license a year later.  I'm learning that I don't trust God as much as I thought. I'm working on it tho! In the meantime, let the Zumba parties commence!!

God Is In his mouth!

Let's see...I'm approaching almost 2 years in marriage, come November 19th...  and today my husband, which for the purposes of this blog, is named Superman:) Actually, he's had that name since we first started dating lol  though I've figured out, I'm his kryptonite... not just me tho...he's an uber kind...want everybody to be happy kind of person. Anyways, this morning, superman gave me a poem that he had emailed me in 2009....such a sappy we in love poem...oh how I love stuff like that.....plus I recently told Him that I think God is in his mouth. We have                                                                                                           such interesting convos lol.

One of the things that  I've always loved about my husband is his care towards me....his understanding towards me. Even when I'm dead wrong.....he gets me. I'd never experienced that truly until marrying him. (well a little with my parents). With him, I'm able to truly be myself...to be completely naked....and not be judged....to say my feelings right or wrong and always come back in love.....without the fear of him leaving me. I told him recently that his kind of love exemplifies God to me. Some of the stuff he says...his correction...how he does it....his instant forgiveness.  I told him God is in his mouth. 

You see, in my private time, I have some discussions with God....and then my husband will say the same thing in a different way. Then I'd be like whatev....taking it for granted until its confirmed again (yes, I can be rather bull headed). Then, he'd say remember I said that. Eek. He was right all along. ha ha IAMNEWLYWED! I have come to understand and am even letting my guards down more with my Superman. Exposing more layers of myself and vulnerability lol...did I mention I'm from Southeast lol.  I acknowledge that God is in his mouth and he is a physical representation of God's love towards me. woo sah....a physical representation of God's love towards me.  I say God loves me so much that he would let me experience love with Superman. And because its so....I have to do a better job at acknowledging that God is in his mouth by listening the first time....without confirmation...knowing that if he messes up or misses it, that God still has my back. I love Superman:)

Swagged out/!!

I can't believe it's Tuesday...I really like to purge on Mondays lol...but I sat down to write and then ended up working and doing everything else except what I had intended to do. Surely, I know I'm not the only one that this has happened to lol... Well alas! I get a moment to reflect.

So this past weekend, the kiddies returned...and sometimes when they come back from the weekend it's almost like a roll of the dice. You just never know what your gonna get.   But this weekend was fairly cool. I'm learning that no matter how they come (no matter the mood) that it's important for me to be consistent..anyways, I digress.

 Back to this past weekend. Now, out of my three children the one who has the most mouth....is my middle son who's 12 years old. I won't say his name, as he is a kid of "swag," lol and me saying his name would "take away from his coolness/swag" I'm sure lol and it would embarrass him.  Nonetheless, he's the one who just has to be right or has to have the last word, no matter if he's right or wrong. I guess a christian, faith-filled, therapist, positive soul singer, shouldn't say that he makes me wanna decapitate him sometimes.... But who am I fooling...lol...God already knows. LOL!

But this weekend, I had to pat myself on the back and note some growth. So for the purpose of this blog, my middle son's name throughout this blog will be "Swag."  So Swag  comes home in a relatively good mood and I'm in a good mood too because  I sold all my G.I.G cookies (www.greenteasoul.com). Excuse the shameless plug.  So just chillin and having fun, I decide to make it rain (throw money in the air) and of course the boys grab up the money and high tail it. We call em back..and  somewhere Swag says Ma-T doesn't buy us anything except candy from the $1 store. I responded oh really...like the house you live in, the clothes on our back..yadda yadda.  He's like, Dad pays for it...or something like that. I was like, really. But unlike before....I let it roll off my back. Before I would have had the verbal artillery cocked, loaded, and fired like an automatic machine gun.... but I didn't I just kept it moving. Wee hee high five for me!

It did show me how little, children comprehend, and how much they take things for granted. I think that in the beginning of our  marriage, that it was the biggest sticking point for me....I felt they were unappreciative and took things for granted....complete shock. bwhahahahaa!! Now that I'm looking back, ha ha, most kids are unappreciative and or feel that parents are doing what they "supposed" to do. But I realize that I was looking through the lenses of my past,  growing up in the hood and so close to poverty.  I'm thinking, these ninjas got a nerve to be ungrateful when they're children who don't have it like this.  I'm bending over backwards to increase our money and I get sass lol.....sounding like my mother lol....and everything other parent of I've heard.

But what do my kids know....they've never experienced any different....they don't know about southeast dc and the things that can come with it. They've never experienced how it was or how  it could be, they just know how it is. Could I be angry that they have  it better then how I had it growing up and to put icing on the cake,  they don't appreciate it....pause. nahhhh...lol

So I'm patting myself on the back for not tripping out and not feeling like I had to convince a 12 year old, who pays the bills around here. Whats the use of trying to rationalize with a 12 year old...none at this point.

Friends, How Many of Us Have Them?

Over the past weekend, I hosted our sisters support circle, where every 3rd Sunday, a  diverse group of women come together to talk about different issues. Everyone's so intelligent and has a unique perspective that I learn and improve my life each time we meet.

Although the topic was on purpose and dreams, we touched on so many other topics, that we didn't even finish.  What hit home for me was the little side bar about friends.  It stemmed from an article, The Top 5 Regrets (http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-of-the-dyingwhere the article talks about people's regrets before dying.) 

One of the regrets was that "I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends"

I mentioned in an earlier blog posting called friends and marriage, how  I thought my friendships  were changing.But the phrasing of that regret,  I wish I had stayed in contact with my friends, hit home. It put the ownership of my connections on me. It reminded me of what my mother said when I asked her about friends and marriage.  She said, "some friendships in adulthood change, but friendships in adulthood aren't hard, they just take more work." A wise woman, but don't tell her I said that :)So i asked myself,Have I been doing my best to connect with my friends?  Am i in tune with the opportunities presented to connect?No. I'm a person of easiness, so i tend to avoid things that require work.

My idea of friendships "in my head" is that of the movies and books... The easiness of long girl talk coffee house sessions, trips to exotic places, knowing the ends and outs about everyone's lives... Basically, relationships that don't take work... Just easy like Sunday morning. But the reality is that me focusing on what friendships looked like "in my head" made me discount my friendships and see them as superficial.  I equated friendships with being easy going and requiring no effort. I didn't realize what I have. I was so busy focusing on my friends not reaching out to me that I didn't even realize that I wasn't reaching out to them as often as I could. I didnt realize the opportunities i had to redeem lost time because i was consumed with "their" lack of effort. The rapper Common said, "relationship is effort but I will match your work." Where is my effort?

I asked myself, how bad do I really want the relationships or connections. Am i willing to change, "I'm not a phone person, to being a phone person to get the connection i desire?" Am i asking about their lives?Just little stuff like that. How bad do I really want it?

I know I don't want to be on my death bed, regretting not keeping in contact with my friends. Instead, I want to say I'm glad that I kept in contact with my friends...and have them at my side. Sidebar: ain't nobody dying... Aiin't nobody got time for that... Rather be raptured lol

I'm just sayin... Whew a chestful

"What I Have to Do"

Today's a beautiful day. I did a little bit of work here and there, worked out, went to my favorite place (the library.....tryna see if the last season of "The Wire" has come in lol) and lounged in the pool reading a book....and capped it off with being naked for the rest of the day (I know TMI but WINNING). The house is quiet, with the exception of the hum of the air conditioning. I'm in a relatively good place.  I have a lot thoughts to process just from this past weekend...so I'll definitely be writing up some stuff soon....but not right now. Right now, I 'm enjoying every aspect of today. I don't know when I did this last...just stopped and savored the moments of the day.

I've  spent so much time over the past week or so complaining about feeling like I "have to" work my part-time job.  I've come to the realization that I don't like to "have to do" anything.... the "having to do stuff," is a turn off.  I'm a free bird and "having to do" something...feels like I'm being caged/trapped. Actually, my husband helped me come to that conclusion and he even had anecdotes  to illustrate his points. Oh, how I love a man who can support a premise lol. I digress.  Anyways, ironically, I just recently accepted that as a grown up, lol, there are things that I "have to do." So over the last couple of days, I've changed my disposition....instead of complaining (I actually got tired of hearing myself)... I'm focusing on the positives and the things I have and like about my part-time job and the opportunities it has afforded me. I think continuously  talking negatively about a situation...makes you feel worse then what it really is. Instead, I'm thanking God and appreciating where I am.  Appreciating the process to get to where I'd like to be. Ha Ha (i just LOL'd) I'm maturing. One day at a time. I'm really working on having my joy about life be set---- unchangeable.... no matter what comes my way. I'm working hard at not rushing this life process...but enjoying the moments day by day.

So today I'm not on the go...I'm chillin...and I'm bout to enjoy my naked moments...literally and figuratively...and get back in the pool!