How I Became Pregnant!

Wowzers, the last time I blogged was in April.... 3 months ago....and in 3 months so much has changed. I guess the biggest change is that we're adding a +1 to our family....the never ending Cosby Show.  So we're going from a family of 7 to  8.  Now that I think about it, the last time I blogged, I was pregnant then and didn't even know it. 

Ha! I'm 4 months and some change. Since the realization of the positive plus sign, I'm reading books on babies, preparing my mind for the life changes,  still working out and teaching exercise classes, trying to control the incredible hulk (that wants to come out especially when denied certain foods),  preparing the kids for the change that is to come, etc.  All that and then some.

Things have been going so fast,  that I just wanted to take a moment and truly reflect on how we arrived here...ha ha besides the obvious deed that had to be done  lol!

As you all know, I got married November 2011...and it's always been my dream to birth children. I mean I have pictures and vision boards with pregnant ladies with my head stuck on them etc, all that. I seem to always start with a vision board or some type of physical representation to visualize what it is that I want.  Verbalize. Visualize, Materialize. ....though I think I actually visualize first, verbalize, then it materializes lol.

So when I got married, I knew from the jump that I did not want to have children right away, and that I wanted to be married for 2 years before adding a baby into the picture.  I was already marrying into an instant family so I wanted to adjust to having children and being married....def didn't want to do all things at one time. Though I knew I wasn't planning on having children in that first year it didn't stop me from buying my first onesie:) that I kept on a night shade in my room for 2 1/2 years:) I firmly believe in the principle that faith is acting on what you believe.

I continued to do stuff like this throughout the years.  Throughout the summer, I would attend garage sales as well.  I've always loved garage sales and so when I would see stuff that increased my vision, I would pick it up.  Last fall,  I got several cute unisex, practically new onesies, and day outfits for my baby. It only cost me a $1 or two to increase my vision. Ooh and I saw this cute bathing suit that I just couldn't resist. I set this bag right under the lampshade in my room.

Now when my husband and I decided to actually put forth the effort to make a baby and take other steps (like getting van in advance)  to accommodate the growth and even adding stickers of the new baby to the van....something unexpected happened (See post :2 yrs in and angry with God! *Shakes fist*). I wont' go into entire ordeal, but lets just say that the van that I got for my future baby was already filled to capacity....but not with children from my womb.

 So yes, I had my moments compounded with the act of trying to making a baby...compounded with the prior history of having a miscarriage in my early 20s (those instances try to wreak havoc in your mind)....and lastly not even realizing the science behind the timing, etc...def a bit more complicated then I thought. It was so frustrating. I mean the mere sight of my menses would send me into tears. I felt like a failure every time I saw my menses. I can remember crying to my husband feeling like I let him down.  The hardest part for me is that I could not control it.  I couldn't physically take his sperm and put it where I wanted and say Voila! I had to wait, be patient, and keep the faith.

Now during those times did i feel down....yes...oh but when you have a great mate and friends who speak life and not death to your situation. It really makes a difference. My husband always encouraged me...he would say things like, "You wait until little Psalm comes on the scene." He would hold me as I cried, yet he still spoke life. My friends would encourage me  (thank God for my sisters support and circle) and then God would stick his foot in my butt and direct back to my words and my vision. One of my friends encouraged me to do a pregnancy vision board....and on the back I put scriptures that spoke to me. I hung this on the lamp shade. During the  times I became discouraged, I went back to this.

There also came a point where, I stopped obsessing and trying to control the process and just let it go. And alas, here we are:). I am pregnant!....and it's not just because we followed the scientific process...but I believe it's because we acted on our faith and what we believed...that in a nutshell is how I got pregnant!

Should You Consider Your In-laws BEFORE Choosing a Mate?!

Throughout my adult life, I've heard numerous stories about relationships and marriages being ruined because of either the person's parents and or other family members.  Because of this, one of the things that I took into high consideration as it concerns my selection of my mate, his family.

I remember writing on my "what I want in a mate list"  specifics about his relationship with his family.  Even when I dated people and were considering them as life partners, I analyzed their relationships with their families and how they functioned as a family. I remember I was dating this one guy and his family was hilarious, but they also got down as it concerned partying, alcohol, and marijuana. These are things that I don't particularly enjoy being around, nor did I want my future children to be around....but that's just me. Now, I'm not throwing any shade. I grew up around alcoholism and drugs, and  so it's priority for me to protect my family and not have them experience the same things I did.

 Now, when I was dating my husband, I went around his family a lot and he came around mine as well. I think its important during  the dating and courting period that both sides experience each others families, if you are considering them as a serious contender (now i don't advise you bring everyone home lol). I was there for major holidays, church, volunteering events, etc. I made sure I had enough data to make a wise choice. Now as a whole, I know I'm unique. I laugh loud,  have quirky ways, and love joking etc. It was important to me to just be myself and not put on the  "I'm around his parents" type air. I didn't want any surprises after the wedding like, I didn't know you were like that. lol.

Overall,  while we  were dating, I decided I really enjoyed being around his family and that I could deal with his family for the rest of my life (very important).  In fact, I looked forward to going over his parent's house and spending time with them. His mom and dad were  and are not overbearing parents and they respect their son's adulthood and decision making. We are able talk about different things and move on. I love his family, my family, because they considered me.   This is how I knew I was in the family before being in the family. I was there one Easter  (pre-marriage)and my hubby's aunt made some deviled eggs that had relish in them. I couldn't eat them because I'm allergic to cucumbers, etc. The next family dinner event, his aunt told me she had special eggs for me in the fridge, deviled eggs without the relish:) Wee hee! Something that simple was monumental! Now, you can't remove me from this family even if you tried.  Now married and in the family, we have had some disagreements, but we have always come full circle and I believe it's because of the foundation that was set prior to the marriage.

The foundation of really knowing your mate's parents and family is soooo important. When you explore current relationships most times it can give you some foresight of how it will be in the future. Don't ignore any signs and or minimize this issue. I believe that if his family was always in our mix or important business...probably wouldn't have lasted.....just unnecessary stress. Now, can your relationship make it with jacked up in-laws....yup...I'm just saying its a bit easier when they aren't jacked up lol.

Before we were married, we established the following principles.
WE  ( my husband and I )COME FIRST
WE  (my husband and I ) COME BEFORE OUR MOTHERS, FATHERS, SISTER, BROTHERS, etc
WE (my husband and I) MAY CONSIDER FAMILY, BUT WE HAVE THE FINAL RULE

I'm Dating a Married Man! #Gluttony

A month or so ago I purchased a married man some tickets to an event called, #Gluttony, that was hosted by a premiere supper club called Arcane.  He did not know what to expect and neither did I but we went and had a blast. The concept, the artistry, the food, the fashion, the people....just awesome. I even saw Mr. White from Breaking Bad in the building. Everything was seamed together perfectly and then there was the music.

The music gave me life.  I was so in love with the DJ's mixes and I was also in love with the way this married man was watching me on the dance floor. I was oblivious to another man that  was watching me as well. He later proceeded to dance with me while I was slow winding to a reggae song. I watched as the married man watched the guy try to dance with me and then I noticed that the married man had walked away.

Hmm...I came there with the married man. Nonetheless, I danced a little with the guy, but kept my distance as reggae can become intense. The guy eventually got the message and walked off.

Later on I saw the married guy again watching me and so I went up to him and danced with him. I was like where did you go...he went to go get more food. I thought he was gonna save me when I was dancing with the other guy but instead he laughed and told me he thought it was funny...after all, he knows me.

Yes, this married man knows me all too well. I am his wife. Most importantly, I am his wife and yet I am still dating him and exploring our relationship. Now, I don't think we've ever been in a situation like that before ...a guy tries to grind or whatever...nor have we ever talked about what we do in that situation... but the fact that he was at ease and said "I know you." had me beaming the entire night. It's nothing like your man being confident and secure in what he has in his woman.  So yeah, I'm dating a married man:) and I'm loving every minute of it.

Is Marriage More Important than Your Kids...

I was on facebook when I stumbled upon this conversation: do you serve your children or your spouse first. This question touched the tip of the ice-burg on such a sensitive subject: who comes first, your marriage or your children.... and there were mixed passionate views.
 
Now for me, being in a relationship and dating = children come first; however, when you're married your relationship comes first, and then the children. Now, I'm not saying that you neglect your children. I would never say that; after all,  I'm a social worker and I believe that every child's basic needs should be met. Food, shelter, clothing, etc....all that is a given. 

 After God, my husband and I  (our marriage) comes first for the benefit of our children. We view our relationship as the foundation for our family and it is important that our foundation is solid. If our relationship is weak and filled with contention and strife it will trickle down to our children. Thus, we do our due diligence to protect our relationship as we are aware that not knowing how to set boundaries with your children can be relationship killers.

In the beginning it was definitely a transition as prior to marriage, my husband was a single parent with three children and so he was used to putting them first. Then, he remarried and so a transition had to take place. Once marriage takes place, two people must learn to function as one.  In marriage it is no longer children first, marriage second, but it is marriage first, children second. Sometimes it can get tricky when you're a part of a blended family, as the third person involved may not share the same views or value the marriage union.  I think this has been one of the more challenging aspects of being in a blended family,  transitioning and emphasizing the roles and structure of the family dynamics. Marriage first, then the children. There are times when we have to consider the role of children participating in numerous activities and or how or if it will affect our relationship. We don't commit to activities for the children without discussing it, etc. We have to make the decisions that are best.

This sounds weird to some...but I married my husband and he married me. We did stand not stand at the alter marrying our children. Do we love our children? Yes! Do we strive to do everything we can for our children?Yes!  Do we want them to be happy:) yes!The caveat is that there are boundaries that we follow as it concerns our children and their happiness is not our priority....their happiness does not run our relationship.

How to Make Room for "You" This Year!

This year's in full effect and it's already moving so fast. We're in the 2nd week of January, my kids resumed school this past Monday, I have my vision board completed, yet there's so much to do. My mind is swarming with all of my dreams and goals for this year, along with life's demand's and things that need to be done with my husband, my family, etc. I've been so busy trying get so much done... scheduling doctor's appointments, following up with my kid's schools, I forgot about including moments for myself.

It's amazing that yesterday, when I was sending an e-mail to my greenteasoul zumba army (fitness club) about attending their zumba sessions,  I told them to  PUT IN PEN (not pencil), A Date for Themselves...schedule  time in their agenda's, phone calendars, and block it out as unavailable. We do it for everything else, work, church, seminars, school, etc; however, we normally don't apply the same principle as it concerns ourselves.   Why is that?! We do everything for everybody else and then by the time we're finished, we're spent and have no energy left for ourselves. It leaves us drained and frustrated. Bump that lol!  My e-mail to them was a reminder to myself, "What time have you scheduled so that "You" are included in your day?" Blank Stare. I had none scheduled. So what happens when you don't purposefully schedule time for yourself. Time dissipates just like sand thru the hour glass and before you know it the day is over.

So I've decided, that there's no time like the present to get it going.  I'm not going to go thru the motions and get lost living and doing the operations of life. Instead, I'm going take moments to breathe, feel, and be life. Plus, with so much going own, a pause for the cause is essential, for our mental health. So here we go.

1. Write a list of at least 5-7 things that bring you joy that can be done 1-5 mins.
Depending on your schedule, you could have longer times to spare, just start with "some time" and stick to it.

My list:
-write one thing that you're thankful for: a moment to appreciate one thing makes me smile and laugh and lets me know...life isn't bad

-light a candle/spray a home spray mist/air freshener - smell -it  it's something about a great smell that just takes me to another place:) Aromotherapy:)

-identify a song that you love - sing it or dance to it- singing and dancing always brings me joy!

-take a walk around the block and look up at the sky and trees- I love nature and appreciate beauty

-find youtube clips that make you laugh- right now my thing is to search for laughing babies- they tickle my socks   (laughter is medicine)

-hot tea moment: have a cup of hot tea and just breathe:)

- make something:): sometimes drawing, crocheting, a cartoon:) just makes me happy

2. Now schedule your time:) what specific time will your me time be? Put it in your phone, your outlook email calendar:) and set a reminder:)

I like the mornings or middays but everyone is different.  This week I'm going for 9:30 am:) Remember its only 1-5 minutes to start:)


3. Plot your list in your calendar during the scheduled time  You can doing something different everyday, or do one thing daily for a week...

 here's my list
Tues:  write one thing I'm thankful for:)

Wed: candle/mist  (i''mma add looking at my paris calendar:)  while i'm doing my aromatherapy

Thurs: song that I love

Fri: Walk

Sat: laugh at Baby Youtube clips

4. No social media or phone interruptions during your date... (this is the date with you)


5. Do it and stay committed:) and notice the difference:)

I would love to hear some of your ideas for your simple 1-5 min joys:) that way we can switch it up:) so let me hear your ideas and what you're going to do:)

School Forms Suck!

I guess over the last school year and this school year, I've come to the conclusion that completing school forms suck. Not only do they come as duplicates when you have more than one child, they do not represent the change in families.

The forms generally say parent/guardian or mother/father, they don't speak to different kinds of families. They don't speak to families that are blended, different, or have more than two parents. 

Which brings me back to yesterday when the slew of papers came home with the kids on a day in which we have them... So of course my middle son gives them to me... And what do I do, I fill them out  and when it gets to the mother part... What do i put ? I put my name and their mother's name. So for those lines I put both. The kids mother asked if she could stop by to see the kids on the first day no problem.... Until she finds out I'm filling out paperwork. She sends Swag in to get the papers which I had already completed.  Needless to say, when the papers returned there was crossed off information and stuff added ... Notably (mother) in parentheses where I had already written her name or a crossed out phone number (she crossed out her number that i had written and rewrote it over top of my name). She later called my husband and said she had a problem with my name being on the line that said mother and that I excluded her. 

Sigh. Here we go again. I get it. She is upset that it's not just her name on the form and as long as forms come to this house it won't be. It is no longer her and my husband but it is the three of us parenting. I am not taking away from her being the mother and we will all be on the forms. I feel like she has not totally accepted this. I can't lie and say that this situation doesn't anger me because it does. 1. I hate being lied on like I would purposefully not include her. 2. I am not a mother of them when it's convenient for her or anyone else, i am a mother all the time and that started the day I married my husband. So not only do they have a bio mom but they have a bonus mom as well---3 parents. What hurts the most is that these are little messages that our children are receiving while she's asking for forms and crossing out things.

Disappointing.

Maybe I should advocate for a change in forms to reflect differences in families. After all, I am a social worker, and a part of job is advocacy. I'm thinking the forms should just say Parents and have at least 3 to 4 lines.