How I Became Pregnant!

Wowzers, the last time I blogged was in April.... 3 months ago....and in 3 months so much has changed. I guess the biggest change is that we're adding a +1 to our family....the never ending Cosby Show.  So we're going from a family of 7 to  8.  Now that I think about it, the last time I blogged, I was pregnant then and didn't even know it. 

Ha! I'm 4 months and some change. Since the realization of the positive plus sign, I'm reading books on babies, preparing my mind for the life changes,  still working out and teaching exercise classes, trying to control the incredible hulk (that wants to come out especially when denied certain foods),  preparing the kids for the change that is to come, etc.  All that and then some.

Things have been going so fast,  that I just wanted to take a moment and truly reflect on how we arrived here...ha ha besides the obvious deed that had to be done  lol!

As you all know, I got married November 2011...and it's always been my dream to birth children. I mean I have pictures and vision boards with pregnant ladies with my head stuck on them etc, all that. I seem to always start with a vision board or some type of physical representation to visualize what it is that I want.  Verbalize. Visualize, Materialize. ....though I think I actually visualize first, verbalize, then it materializes lol.

So when I got married, I knew from the jump that I did not want to have children right away, and that I wanted to be married for 2 years before adding a baby into the picture.  I was already marrying into an instant family so I wanted to adjust to having children and being married....def didn't want to do all things at one time. Though I knew I wasn't planning on having children in that first year it didn't stop me from buying my first onesie:) that I kept on a night shade in my room for 2 1/2 years:) I firmly believe in the principle that faith is acting on what you believe.

I continued to do stuff like this throughout the years.  Throughout the summer, I would attend garage sales as well.  I've always loved garage sales and so when I would see stuff that increased my vision, I would pick it up.  Last fall,  I got several cute unisex, practically new onesies, and day outfits for my baby. It only cost me a $1 or two to increase my vision. Ooh and I saw this cute bathing suit that I just couldn't resist. I set this bag right under the lampshade in my room.

Now when my husband and I decided to actually put forth the effort to make a baby and take other steps (like getting van in advance)  to accommodate the growth and even adding stickers of the new baby to the van....something unexpected happened (See post :2 yrs in and angry with God! *Shakes fist*). I wont' go into entire ordeal, but lets just say that the van that I got for my future baby was already filled to capacity....but not with children from my womb.

 So yes, I had my moments compounded with the act of trying to making a baby...compounded with the prior history of having a miscarriage in my early 20s (those instances try to wreak havoc in your mind)....and lastly not even realizing the science behind the timing, etc...def a bit more complicated then I thought. It was so frustrating. I mean the mere sight of my menses would send me into tears. I felt like a failure every time I saw my menses. I can remember crying to my husband feeling like I let him down.  The hardest part for me is that I could not control it.  I couldn't physically take his sperm and put it where I wanted and say Voila! I had to wait, be patient, and keep the faith.

Now during those times did i feel down....yes...oh but when you have a great mate and friends who speak life and not death to your situation. It really makes a difference. My husband always encouraged me...he would say things like, "You wait until little Psalm comes on the scene." He would hold me as I cried, yet he still spoke life. My friends would encourage me  (thank God for my sisters support and circle) and then God would stick his foot in my butt and direct back to my words and my vision. One of my friends encouraged me to do a pregnancy vision board....and on the back I put scriptures that spoke to me. I hung this on the lamp shade. During the  times I became discouraged, I went back to this.

There also came a point where, I stopped obsessing and trying to control the process and just let it go. And alas, here we are:). I am pregnant!....and it's not just because we followed the scientific process...but I believe it's because we acted on our faith and what we believed...that in a nutshell is how I got pregnant!

Husband or Job (Career Expansion)?

There are some situations that you just don't see coming.....especially the one I experienced last week.  So here's the skinny. In pursuing one of my jobs as an independent consultant teaching zumba classes, I came across an opportunity that seemed as if it was perfect. It was a perfect location, would expand my business, and bring in major dough (i.e money). So, I thought, awesome. All along the way, I'd discuss my thoughts with my husband and get his take as I don't commit to stuff without his input or discussing it with him....especially when our decisions affect the household. We are a team and everyone needs to know what all team players are doing. It's like playing volley ball on the same team, and then you guys are both going for the ball, but both stop short thinking the other person is going to get it. I always hated when that happened. So that's why we communicate before we commit.

Getting back to the situation....so the deal was going somewhat well and then it came time to sign the contract. Now, instead of signing the contract in the office, I told the person that  I would be taking the contract home to also review it with my husband. When I tell you this guy, went off...he went off.  I guess it was his trigger, me discussing the contract over with, as he put it, a "third party."  A person once told me that your response in intense situations are locators of who you really are.  So during that situation I told him a couple of things.... 1.  My husband and I are a team. 2. I have every right to ponder over a legal document before signing it.  3. He doesn't have to agree with me I just ask he respect my family (talking about my husband "nit picky," etc. is offffffff limits).

Needless to say, although he forwarded me the contract that same evening after going off on me, I declined the contract. I realize that I truly value my family and my husband over a lucrative job offer. It's funny because I didn't realize it right then until my husband said, Wow you love me that much.  I think the moral of this story ...if there is one....sometimes it's not in the things that we say but it's in  the unexpected moments that our love is demonstrated to our loved ones.

How to Make the Most Out of this Year with Kids, Jobs, & Relationships!

I've always been one who believes in writing down dreams, goals, and aspirations. I do this multiple times a year: at the end of the year/start of a new year, mid-year, etc. I just write. No matter how far fetched it seems I write out all of the things I'd like to accomplish. So for 2013, my family and I did our goals at least 2x last year. At the top of the year and before school started.

Here's the pre-cursor work before you make the most out of this year.

1. Evaluate your year?!! What have you accomplished out of the things that you had previously written down?
What's the point of writing it down  from year to year and not looking to see what you've actually accomplished. So, before the start of each year, I evaluate the things that I've written down the previous year. I even check them off:) (I love a line or a check thru something) What things did I actually accomplish from the things I had written to accomplish in 2013. I accomplished all but two.-- I didn't finish the book I'm writing and I didn't go horse back riding. Ha! I couldn't believe it!  All the others: Zumba Certified, Zumba instructor, Buddy Exercise individual sessions, G.I.G Cookies (more), read more books, write, pray, sing, bed and breakfasts, beach, teach more Step Classes & Fitness classes, Happier house, better relationship with my kids, better relationship with kid's mom, and to have two more children--- Accomplished them all. Woo Hoo! (you'd be amazed that on my board that in addition to my 3 children, I had two children one (from my womb) and the other a cousin or someone who would need help). Ha ha ..I don't have the children from my womb just yet but I do have two additional children lol. Go Figure!

Evaluating your progress is a reminder of all the things that you have the ability to do and you areas of improvement. It's also a confidence and self esteem builder. Helps you to evaluate what goals you want to keep or shed.

2.  What additional things did you accomplish that you didn't write down.
This is my first year doing this. I normally focus on the things that I had written down, but for some reason at the top of this year, 2014, I had an inkling to write down all of my accomplishments that weren't on my 2013 list. Lawd, the list! I didn't even realize how much I had accomplished last year. In fact, I recall several times throughout the year  complaining that  I wasn't doing all that I wanted to do, to which my husband always had puzzled looks lol! After writing this list!! Girl Shut up!
Husband, from 3 to 5 kids, two cats, and one dog, 2nd year in marriage-- here's my list:)

Certified R.I.P.P.E.D Instructor, worked with PR marketing group for 6 months, Monthly Women Fellowships, Made new Friends, Stretch Instructor, Rode ATVs, Never Be the Blame Video Released (7,500k hits), video features (Okay Player etc), Weight Maintenance since 2010, Date Night Tuesdays, I AM Newly wed blog,  Wammie nomination, new house, Love Chronicles of Superman Trilogy released, DNA Ancestry, rode an elephant, completed rebel race, camping, SOFCC praise and worship leader, zip lining, India Arie Concert, Lionel Ritchie Concert, Kanye West & Kendrick Lamar Concert,  Wayna Concert, updated website, 3rd annual grocery give away, family pictures, solo gigs and performances, tree trimming parties, unified at least 5 adoptees with their biological parents, (provided treats and singing),  Terrapin Adventures hikes and obstacle courses,  attended the Grammys, volunteered grammy dc chapter, etc.

Writing this stuff down, lets me know all the possibilities and how much we can do with the time we have:) and it takes away all the excuses...also, highlighted how much I underestimate the positives and accomplishments in my life.

Now that the pre-work is done for right now, now lets make the most of this year. After you've patted yourself on the back for your other accomplishments, its time to write down your goals for 2014:)

3. Write down everything you'd like to accomplish this year....from minuscule to far fetched ( though I really don't believe anything is far fetched).
It's something about when you write something down. I firmly believe its etched in your memory bank and in your subconscious. Plus, I feel like you can accomplish more things when you remember to write them down. Also, I'm realizing, my thoughts come so fast that if I don't write them down, I forget them and have missed out on an opportunity to make the most of my time.

“When you write down your ideas you automatically focus your full attention on them. Few if any of us can write one thought and think another at the same time. Thus a pencil and paper make excellent concentration tools.”

Michael Leboeuf. 

4.  Draw pictures or cut out pictures (its my favorite part) and rewrite your list on a board.
I tend to group mine into sections: health & wellness, music, family, Spirituality , Business/Creativity, and My Marriage:) Its something about rewriting and writing things more than once. I firmly believe the more you rewrite and form a picture of it, the more it gets etched into your memory and subconscious.

5. Tell your close friends and family.
I am very selective about who I share my aspirations with though I believe that you should constantly talk and verbalize your hopes with your biggest supporters. My best friend is my husband:) so I show him everything. I find that it makes it easier later in the year when he's like when did you want to start doing that...I can refer to my visual list...and he also keeps me focused, accountable, and on track. ...or if I add some other stuff ...he keeps me in check like hey that's not on the list...one might have to give. This also helps to set boundaries as to reasons why you may not be able to engage in other things at the time...because your working on something.

6.  Do  It:) and revisit your list as often as you can. Take it one day at a time:)...and see if you can do something daily towards your goals (all the little steps add up)

This is how I made the the most of 2013...by accident lol...this year, 2014, I will be doing it intentionally. Having kids, jobs, hobbies,  and or relationships... don't stop no show...you just become more creative at getting it done!!

2 yrs In & Angry with God!! *shakes fist*

Last month, I celebrated two years of marriage to my handsome beau. Its amazing how much growth can happen in two years.  In two years,  so many changes have taken place in a split second.  From the moment I said "I Do," I went from being a single woman with one cat to a married woman with a husband, three children, an ex-wife, and a cat.   We then added a dog :). Several adjustments were made in year one....quick adjustments necessary for our survival. As soon as I finally got the swing of everything.....better management of my household, the children, better working relationship with the ex wife....we added two more children. We hadn't even reached year 2 just yet....just a month shy of it.  I haven't really sat down with my feelings as we have been on the go...and most times now, we barely have time to sit down without the house being crowded or having to supervise, referee, teach lessons, revisit schedules, cook meals, etc. I think my husband and I are doing the the best we can to keep things as normal as we can. We still have dates and our time together....but its not always easy.

There are times...where I feel like, I got this...and then there are times where I haven't gotten the best sleep and or I feel overwhelmed or I just want moments to myself..and I just feel angry. Like last night. Like today. Who am I angry with...GOD. Not like I haven't been angry with him before. I'm like God you know me....why!! Why are you requiring me to learn to be a different person at the age of 33 years old.  Why God?!! My husband told me just last night....somebody thinks highly of us. Humph!I asked for children from my womb!! shakes fist! I have freakin baby clothes, a baby vision board, etc....whats up...where's my baby?!! As I type this, I feel like a child having a temper tantrum because I didn't get what I wanted just yet.

And then I have these moments....where I want to treat God just like I treat someone when I'm angry with them. I don't talk to them and ignore them....and I have treated Him like that in the past and over the course of this month at times.  I will not lie I have. I hate being angry and with Him. Yet, I am not afraid to voice my concern or discomfort...thank God for a God who will allow you to be honest.

Even in my angry times with God, He still speaks to me (He is the true example of love who continues in spite of). I heard him say....:"I got you."  Nothing long or long winded. Simple --"I got you."  Then  He reminded me of the Will and Jaden Smith movie called "After Earth" where there's a segment about fear.....

“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me danger is very real but fear is a choice.”
― Will Smith

And there is a scene where Jaden embraces his father's words and begins to take in every moment for what it is...and fear and the thing that is trying to destroy can't 'find him....can't even see him. It reminded me of God, how when we understand that faith is now, and take in our Father's words...that we can hide in His words of faith....and hide in Him.  Situations will come for us...but because we are living in the now of faith...it can't touch us.

Just venting... and realizing that my anger was displaced fear.

YOU HATE ME.

I don't know even know where to begin as this weekend was a weekend to remember. Let's start with the word Hate. 

"I hate my parents, especially Her."

The her in that message was referring to yours truly. I can't even describe how I felt when I read that message. 

"I'm doing all that I can, and I don't think she even cares rather I live or die." 

Words from my husband about our teenage daughter. Now, to hear my daughter say she hates me...hurt....but to hear my husband...knowing all the struggles he's gone thru to be there and provide the best for his children, was like a dagger to my heart.  Better yet my husband, was so hurt that he didn't even want to talk about it....so I became angry with him. I'm like not talk about it...all the pissyness in the air ...urgh! So many things went thru my head on that Friday...one. I need to get out of this house... too much negative energy....two. who can I call to be around that provide soothing.... yes all that.

You know it amazes me that in that moment, the person I wanted to be around most, was my mother. I just wanted to be held like a child...no words just a presence...but she couldn't be reached...and then I always question ..can I bare my soul without it traveling around robin hood's barn. Sorry, but my mother can't keep her mouth if her life depended on it lol. So next in line were my sisters...one out of town having a blast and the other had just gotten home from work. My sister who was coming home from work..ehhh...she's known to everyone for being a savior and providing just what you need....but i felt guilty....i'm coming to realize I really don't like burdening people with my woes...and I didn't want my sister to exert energy just coming from work. So I chose to go over my grandmother's house....no matter what, my grandmother doesn't have to say a thing...me seeing her is strength. On the way to her house...I cried. I've never wanted to be hated and it hurts to see my husband hurting and my daughter hurting amongst everything else going on in our house. I just cried.  I never pictured my family like this. I allowed it all just to come out. I allowed myself to be angry and then I returned to my house. Sat in the driveway for a while, but I went back in.

Now in my moment, I would have never foresaw what would happen the next day. I was still hurt and angry; however, I got up at 7 am and did my shopping. For some reason grocery shopping brings me joy and is a stress reliever....I have no idea why. When I returned,  my husband, my daughter, and I had a talk. I prayed that God would give me the words to truly be honest and express my feelings.  My husband shared his hurt with her. I shared with her how I was doing the best that I could. I told her that it hurt to hear her say that she hated me when I wanted nothing but the best for her.  I shared with her that we want her to have fun yet we still have standards. Instead of saying, don't hate me...I gave her permission to hate me. I also shared with her that I would not be changing...I want the best for her and know her potential and what she is capable of.... I told her that if her goal was to hurt me....she succeeded. I am hurt...and I leave to cry and try to get myself together at times....and come back to do what I need to do for my family. At the end of the day, I can't stop pushing her or any of my other children. I just can't, especially knowing I have to stand before God and give an account of how I trained and or didn't train my children. I told her just that...go on and hate me....but I'm not going anywhere. I'm not getting a divorce. I'm not gonna not hold you accountable...i may have to cry from your treatment or whatever..but I'mma be right here.  I did tell her that I would be trying to speak more softly instead of so firm....thats what I'm working on. I can't believe I said all that.

I have no idea where that vulnerability came from but I said it and I meant it...and most of all I said it in a warm and soft tone . That evening my husband and I got a letter. She told me that she was sorry and that she did try to hurt me because I married her father.....but she also thanked me for never giving up on her. It was signed, your daughter. When I got that letter, I can't even express the joy and the tears....i was already in the midst of doing Zumba....but an entire new dance took over. One filled with kicks and tears....and moves ....it was a dance of victory. I couldn't choreograph that dance even if I tried.

I have no words...other than God is awesome. I'm new to this parenting thing....all the twists and turns..but God isn't.  The shell is breaking.....and i'm trusting God with my vulnerability. Its His job to protect me. 

For Food Lovers: Foodie Penpals (August 2013)

I'm person who's always seeking new things and exploring...even when it comes to food. I think when I gain weight it's mainly because I get bored with food. Well, I came across this website that has Foodie  Penpals where you send food to a pal.  I thought, hey this is different and this would be a fun way to explore new foods. i'mmma try it.

I told my foodie penpal, Ashely that my taste buds were seeking to discover more crunchy and sweet healthy snacks. Here's what came in my box. Boy oh boy was I excited! 

To know that there's a delivery on your doorstep is awesome and it's filled with sweet and crunchy treats!  Oh yeah! Fist pump!   The Roasted veggie tortilla chips are delicious :)  I can't wait to try the  Salsa Fresca ricesworks gourmet brown rice crisps! Then I have a chocolate theme going with the other treats: odwalla choc-walla nourishing bar, chocchippeanut protein bar (which will be great after or before my workouts), chocolate Belgrade breakfast biscuits, Special K pastry crisps chocolatey caramel & chocolate. My husband and I shared the chocolate pastry crisps last night. It hit the spot for a low cal dessert (100 calories shared means only 50 calls a piece woo hoo Winning!!). All that's left is the wrapper lol. Ashely hit the nail on the head :) with the items in my foodie penpal box wee hee! Here's some close ups on the items just in case you want to check them out yourself :) 

 I can't wait till next month :)