How to Make the Most Out of this Year with Kids, Jobs, & Relationships!

I've always been one who believes in writing down dreams, goals, and aspirations. I do this multiple times a year: at the end of the year/start of a new year, mid-year, etc. I just write. No matter how far fetched it seems I write out all of the things I'd like to accomplish. So for 2013, my family and I did our goals at least 2x last year. At the top of the year and before school started.

Here's the pre-cursor work before you make the most out of this year.

1. Evaluate your year?!! What have you accomplished out of the things that you had previously written down?
What's the point of writing it down  from year to year and not looking to see what you've actually accomplished. So, before the start of each year, I evaluate the things that I've written down the previous year. I even check them off:) (I love a line or a check thru something) What things did I actually accomplish from the things I had written to accomplish in 2013. I accomplished all but two.-- I didn't finish the book I'm writing and I didn't go horse back riding. Ha! I couldn't believe it!  All the others: Zumba Certified, Zumba instructor, Buddy Exercise individual sessions, G.I.G Cookies (more), read more books, write, pray, sing, bed and breakfasts, beach, teach more Step Classes & Fitness classes, Happier house, better relationship with my kids, better relationship with kid's mom, and to have two more children--- Accomplished them all. Woo Hoo! (you'd be amazed that on my board that in addition to my 3 children, I had two children one (from my womb) and the other a cousin or someone who would need help). Ha ha ..I don't have the children from my womb just yet but I do have two additional children lol. Go Figure!

Evaluating your progress is a reminder of all the things that you have the ability to do and you areas of improvement. It's also a confidence and self esteem builder. Helps you to evaluate what goals you want to keep or shed.

2.  What additional things did you accomplish that you didn't write down.
This is my first year doing this. I normally focus on the things that I had written down, but for some reason at the top of this year, 2014, I had an inkling to write down all of my accomplishments that weren't on my 2013 list. Lawd, the list! I didn't even realize how much I had accomplished last year. In fact, I recall several times throughout the year  complaining that  I wasn't doing all that I wanted to do, to which my husband always had puzzled looks lol! After writing this list!! Girl Shut up!
Husband, from 3 to 5 kids, two cats, and one dog, 2nd year in marriage-- here's my list:)

Certified R.I.P.P.E.D Instructor, worked with PR marketing group for 6 months, Monthly Women Fellowships, Made new Friends, Stretch Instructor, Rode ATVs, Never Be the Blame Video Released (7,500k hits), video features (Okay Player etc), Weight Maintenance since 2010, Date Night Tuesdays, I AM Newly wed blog,  Wammie nomination, new house, Love Chronicles of Superman Trilogy released, DNA Ancestry, rode an elephant, completed rebel race, camping, SOFCC praise and worship leader, zip lining, India Arie Concert, Lionel Ritchie Concert, Kanye West & Kendrick Lamar Concert,  Wayna Concert, updated website, 3rd annual grocery give away, family pictures, solo gigs and performances, tree trimming parties, unified at least 5 adoptees with their biological parents, (provided treats and singing),  Terrapin Adventures hikes and obstacle courses,  attended the Grammys, volunteered grammy dc chapter, etc.

Writing this stuff down, lets me know all the possibilities and how much we can do with the time we have:) and it takes away all the excuses...also, highlighted how much I underestimate the positives and accomplishments in my life.

Now that the pre-work is done for right now, now lets make the most of this year. After you've patted yourself on the back for your other accomplishments, its time to write down your goals for 2014:)

3. Write down everything you'd like to accomplish this year....from minuscule to far fetched ( though I really don't believe anything is far fetched).
It's something about when you write something down. I firmly believe its etched in your memory bank and in your subconscious. Plus, I feel like you can accomplish more things when you remember to write them down. Also, I'm realizing, my thoughts come so fast that if I don't write them down, I forget them and have missed out on an opportunity to make the most of my time.

“When you write down your ideas you automatically focus your full attention on them. Few if any of us can write one thought and think another at the same time. Thus a pencil and paper make excellent concentration tools.”

Michael Leboeuf. 

4.  Draw pictures or cut out pictures (its my favorite part) and rewrite your list on a board.
I tend to group mine into sections: health & wellness, music, family, Spirituality , Business/Creativity, and My Marriage:) Its something about rewriting and writing things more than once. I firmly believe the more you rewrite and form a picture of it, the more it gets etched into your memory and subconscious.

5. Tell your close friends and family.
I am very selective about who I share my aspirations with though I believe that you should constantly talk and verbalize your hopes with your biggest supporters. My best friend is my husband:) so I show him everything. I find that it makes it easier later in the year when he's like when did you want to start doing that...I can refer to my visual list...and he also keeps me focused, accountable, and on track. ...or if I add some other stuff ...he keeps me in check like hey that's not on the list...one might have to give. This also helps to set boundaries as to reasons why you may not be able to engage in other things at the time...because your working on something.

6.  Do  It:) and revisit your list as often as you can. Take it one day at a time:)...and see if you can do something daily towards your goals (all the little steps add up)

This is how I made the the most of 2013...by accident lol...this year, 2014, I will be doing it intentionally. Having kids, jobs, hobbies,  and or relationships... don't stop no show...you just become more creative at getting it done!!

5 Things Single Women Should Know Before Considering Marriage!

In the beginning of December, I had the awesome opportunity of attending a girlfriend's b-day brunch. I don't take for granted the times when I can celebrate my friends and get away from the kids for a quick sec. So while we were there, the b-day girl asked for the married women to share with her single friends about what they needed to know about marriage. You know after a certain age...us women be in wait...waiting for our knight in shining armor. I know before I was married...from about age 25-27, I went thru that phase. The conversation was awesome and it was a great effort to dispel the notion of gumdrops and lollipops and fairy tales that are associated with wedding and marriage.

 Now, the married women in attendance were diverse in nature: some were newlyweds, divorcees, some had children,  and some didn't. So there was a wealth of information and I love conversations like these. I feel women do not share as much as they should with other women and so a lot of mistakes are repeated instead of learning vicariously through another woman's experience. Anyways, I digress. SO from the conversation, I got this:

5 Things Single Women Should Know Before Considering Marriage 

1. Know yourself. 
It's amazing how many women do not spend time mastering who they are before entering relationships. I mean truly understanding yourself and being aware of your strengths as well as one's areas of improvement. Know what you like and dislike...and that only comes with spending time with yourself and God. When you truly know yourself, you will grasp what you will tolerate and or not tolerate....which will save you a lot of time...as you won't be easily swayed or tossed to and fro just to be captured by a man or keep the company of anyone.

2.  Explore Life
One of my friends, talked about enjoying her singleness. Exploring all the things that she could without having to worry about taking care of kids, a family, etc.  Traveling without the thought of arranging a babysitter and or being back by a certain time....yessss!! There is so much to do and conquer in this world and a lot of time is spent worrying about Boaz...instead of getting every drop of milk out of the stage that you're in.  What haven't you done yet. What's on your bucket list and why haven't you started it yet.  I think sometimes the demise of marriages are because people haven't learned to live apart form their mate and so they become resentful and blame their mate for all of  the responsibilities that are keeping them hostage.  So you gotta know how to live!! How to balance and live!

3. Communication
Alas, from the young to the old...how to communicate is key! More importantly how to communicate so that you're heard. Relationships, rather its with family or friends, end, begin, restart, and or crumble because of communication. Either its too much, too little, or none.  So analyzing, are you a good communicator and how do you communicate, is essential. Is what your communicating congruent with what people are understanding from your communication.  If you don't know how to communicate or need a lot of work in that area....umm hold off on marriage lol. Lawd...cuz your communicating all the time, rather you verbalize or don't speak. Communication isn't just so you can be married...its for a better life and better relationships with those you love, period.

4. Fantasy vs. Life--- It Ain't for the faint in heart
I remember I was dating this guy and he has one of the most logical brains ever. He dropped a nugget that I still cherish till this day. He would say, Americans have this fantasy way of thinking about love....bumblegum and lollipops. They tolerate stuff because of the fantasy of the happy ending, when the real question that should be asked is if this person never changed, could you tolerate it for the rest of your life. Say it again. If this person never changed, could you tolerate it for the rest of your life. Asking that question can be applied to so many areas in our lives and would save us so much grief and heartache, if we asked it of ourselves.

5. Priorities
I could go on an on with this list...but I'll stop here with balance and priorities.  Life is a balancing act. There are so many things competing for our attention, our time, and our money, but its whether we have the ability to discriminate between the significant and insignificant. Shoes or rent? Vegas or Skills course? Are you able to sift thru life and identify the essentials.  Put things in their proper place before adding on more? Are you able to sacrifice right now for the greater outcome later on?  Those are things that should be considered.

 If you want to add some more feel free..but this is what I got from chillin with my homies:)

YOU HATE ME.

I don't know even know where to begin as this weekend was a weekend to remember. Let's start with the word Hate. 

"I hate my parents, especially Her."

The her in that message was referring to yours truly. I can't even describe how I felt when I read that message. 

"I'm doing all that I can, and I don't think she even cares rather I live or die." 

Words from my husband about our teenage daughter. Now, to hear my daughter say she hates me...hurt....but to hear my husband...knowing all the struggles he's gone thru to be there and provide the best for his children, was like a dagger to my heart.  Better yet my husband, was so hurt that he didn't even want to talk about it....so I became angry with him. I'm like not talk about it...all the pissyness in the air ...urgh! So many things went thru my head on that Friday...one. I need to get out of this house... too much negative energy....two. who can I call to be around that provide soothing.... yes all that.

You know it amazes me that in that moment, the person I wanted to be around most, was my mother. I just wanted to be held like a child...no words just a presence...but she couldn't be reached...and then I always question ..can I bare my soul without it traveling around robin hood's barn. Sorry, but my mother can't keep her mouth if her life depended on it lol. So next in line were my sisters...one out of town having a blast and the other had just gotten home from work. My sister who was coming home from work..ehhh...she's known to everyone for being a savior and providing just what you need....but i felt guilty....i'm coming to realize I really don't like burdening people with my woes...and I didn't want my sister to exert energy just coming from work. So I chose to go over my grandmother's house....no matter what, my grandmother doesn't have to say a thing...me seeing her is strength. On the way to her house...I cried. I've never wanted to be hated and it hurts to see my husband hurting and my daughter hurting amongst everything else going on in our house. I just cried.  I never pictured my family like this. I allowed it all just to come out. I allowed myself to be angry and then I returned to my house. Sat in the driveway for a while, but I went back in.

Now in my moment, I would have never foresaw what would happen the next day. I was still hurt and angry; however, I got up at 7 am and did my shopping. For some reason grocery shopping brings me joy and is a stress reliever....I have no idea why. When I returned,  my husband, my daughter, and I had a talk. I prayed that God would give me the words to truly be honest and express my feelings.  My husband shared his hurt with her. I shared with her how I was doing the best that I could. I told her that it hurt to hear her say that she hated me when I wanted nothing but the best for her.  I shared with her that we want her to have fun yet we still have standards. Instead of saying, don't hate me...I gave her permission to hate me. I also shared with her that I would not be changing...I want the best for her and know her potential and what she is capable of.... I told her that if her goal was to hurt me....she succeeded. I am hurt...and I leave to cry and try to get myself together at times....and come back to do what I need to do for my family. At the end of the day, I can't stop pushing her or any of my other children. I just can't, especially knowing I have to stand before God and give an account of how I trained and or didn't train my children. I told her just that...go on and hate me....but I'm not going anywhere. I'm not getting a divorce. I'm not gonna not hold you accountable...i may have to cry from your treatment or whatever..but I'mma be right here.  I did tell her that I would be trying to speak more softly instead of so firm....thats what I'm working on. I can't believe I said all that.

I have no idea where that vulnerability came from but I said it and I meant it...and most of all I said it in a warm and soft tone . That evening my husband and I got a letter. She told me that she was sorry and that she did try to hurt me because I married her father.....but she also thanked me for never giving up on her. It was signed, your daughter. When I got that letter, I can't even express the joy and the tears....i was already in the midst of doing Zumba....but an entire new dance took over. One filled with kicks and tears....and moves ....it was a dance of victory. I couldn't choreograph that dance even if I tried.

I have no words...other than God is awesome. I'm new to this parenting thing....all the twists and turns..but God isn't.  The shell is breaking.....and i'm trusting God with my vulnerability. Its His job to protect me. 

Swagged out/!!

I can't believe it's Tuesday...I really like to purge on Mondays lol...but I sat down to write and then ended up working and doing everything else except what I had intended to do. Surely, I know I'm not the only one that this has happened to lol... Well alas! I get a moment to reflect.

So this past weekend, the kiddies returned...and sometimes when they come back from the weekend it's almost like a roll of the dice. You just never know what your gonna get.   But this weekend was fairly cool. I'm learning that no matter how they come (no matter the mood) that it's important for me to be consistent..anyways, I digress.

 Back to this past weekend. Now, out of my three children the one who has the most mouth....is my middle son who's 12 years old. I won't say his name, as he is a kid of "swag," lol and me saying his name would "take away from his coolness/swag" I'm sure lol and it would embarrass him.  Nonetheless, he's the one who just has to be right or has to have the last word, no matter if he's right or wrong. I guess a christian, faith-filled, therapist, positive soul singer, shouldn't say that he makes me wanna decapitate him sometimes.... But who am I fooling...lol...God already knows. LOL!

But this weekend, I had to pat myself on the back and note some growth. So for the purpose of this blog, my middle son's name throughout this blog will be "Swag."  So Swag  comes home in a relatively good mood and I'm in a good mood too because  I sold all my G.I.G cookies (www.greenteasoul.com). Excuse the shameless plug.  So just chillin and having fun, I decide to make it rain (throw money in the air) and of course the boys grab up the money and high tail it. We call em back..and  somewhere Swag says Ma-T doesn't buy us anything except candy from the $1 store. I responded oh really...like the house you live in, the clothes on our back..yadda yadda.  He's like, Dad pays for it...or something like that. I was like, really. But unlike before....I let it roll off my back. Before I would have had the verbal artillery cocked, loaded, and fired like an automatic machine gun.... but I didn't I just kept it moving. Wee hee high five for me!

It did show me how little, children comprehend, and how much they take things for granted. I think that in the beginning of our  marriage, that it was the biggest sticking point for me....I felt they were unappreciative and took things for granted....complete shock. bwhahahahaa!! Now that I'm looking back, ha ha, most kids are unappreciative and or feel that parents are doing what they "supposed" to do. But I realize that I was looking through the lenses of my past,  growing up in the hood and so close to poverty.  I'm thinking, these ninjas got a nerve to be ungrateful when they're children who don't have it like this.  I'm bending over backwards to increase our money and I get sass lol.....sounding like my mother lol....and everything other parent of I've heard.

But what do my kids know....they've never experienced any different....they don't know about southeast dc and the things that can come with it. They've never experienced how it was or how  it could be, they just know how it is. Could I be angry that they have  it better then how I had it growing up and to put icing on the cake,  they don't appreciate it....pause. nahhhh...lol

So I'm patting myself on the back for not tripping out and not feeling like I had to convince a 12 year old, who pays the bills around here. Whats the use of trying to rationalize with a 12 year old...none at this point.

It's Morning...

Its morning...my favorite time of the day. I've always loved mornings....the newness of the day, the chance to start again.  Mornings, my most pensive moments. I've always loved them. I think I maybe loved them more because the mornings represented my "me times" for so long....represented my freedom to begin the day anyway that I liked....sometimes loud music/dance routines...sometimes dancing around the house naked (or just walking around the house with whatever on)...sometimes singing at the top of my lungs...sometimes just curling up with my cat, George, saying nothing...just anything goes! The simple liberties of free mornings! It's amazing the stuff you take for granted during your pre-married days.  You don't realize all of the value in them until things are switched around.

I AM NEWLY WED. Mornings. Adjustment. Living with others. Adjustment. Children in elementary, middle school, & high school (all with different bus schedules). Adjustment.  Living with non-morning people. BIG ADJUSTMENT!

I think one the biggest adjustments was adjusting to my mornings no longer being my own. Did I mention I was a morning person? My husband is a morning person too...that's one of the reasons why I love him so.... my children, absolutely not....tho my middle son is a bit better than the other two.  Combine that with different morning schedules (morning school bus). Eek I started to hate mornings. Not only could I no longer walk around the house naked ( I know TMI...but its such a simple joy for me lol), I now had to wake up and make sure everybody had and did everything they were supposed to do. Eek! My intermittent dance and singing routines on hold. So the bubbly Tekeah...was did you brush your teeth, put on deodorant, did you eat...all that. I don't want to do all that talking in the morning. I wanna chill and enjoy the birds.  Let creative juices flow.You know, reflect.  Then I couldn't understand why....get this...wait for it.... I couldn't understand, why I had to keep saying the same stuff, day after day, to the kids.  Apparently, I thought their learning curve was a bit slow....when in fact I had forgotten what its like to be a kid....so I guess my learning curve was a bit slow lol. Kids sometimes try your greatest area of improvement....which mine was/is patience.  I AM NEWLY WED! lol

Then on top of that...during the weekend...guess who wanted to continue the early morning ritual of being a morning person, my husband.  So let me get this straight, the only day I don't "have to" get up and ensure that everybody is up and at em...my husband wants to get up at 7 am and get the day going. Ninja please! Ha Ha! Can you imagine the turmoil.... *swings arm across the bed to cuddle with husband* Empty space. He is up doing something...working out...talking about cutting grass or something.  Boy Bye!

I sit and think about it now. He didn't change. I did.  My  morning routine differed. My needs changed. Initially for a while, I was blown and I would tell him. "I just want you to lay here with me." Ummm...next Saturday he'd be up and at em again.  I guess he thought I was talking about just last Saturday. I'm like what part did this ninja not understand? I'd tell him again, "I just want you to lay with me because this is the only day that I don't have to get up to do anything and I just want to enjoy this. I don't want to get up uber early on Saturdays when we don't have too" I had to keep saying that for a lil while until he got it. I had to continue to express my needs and wishes to him and he got it. Patience and repetitiveness. Constant re-evaluation of my communication--Is it clear? Does he understand what I'm asking?

I started to take the same approach with the kids. Though I ain't gonna lie, I really don't like having to say things more than once...idk where I get that from lol. Lawd knows my parents told me the same things  over and over for eons...until I got it? lol

I don't know why I'm writing about this now. Maybe because it's a Tuesday morning and the love for mornings is rekindled. Right now, the kids are at a point where, I don't have to tell them wake up, read for an hour, get dressed, eat breakfast....they can do that on there own. After a year and a half, they are growing. I am growing. All I ask now is did you do what you were supposed to do and they say yes Wee hee! Hallelujah! Breakthru!

I think sometimes in the moment, I think that things are always going to be a certain way forever. Then the emotions arise. I guess that's the drama queen in me. Taking a step back to make sure that I am communicating what it is that I want and just not assuming or thinking that people should know what I want or what I'm going thru, is key. One day at a time.

It is 9 am . They have already showered, dressed, made breakfast, and I didn't say a word. They even asked last night to go to the library to get a new book:) for their reading time. Oh yeah fist pump! Trouble don't last always...ha ha !

Sext, Love, & other Drugs

I never really thought about what kind of parent I wanted to be....other than a "cool" mom...who was still fly, still played a a lot, and was relatable to her kids....yup, that about sums it up. Now that I think more about it, the thought about my life as a parent, was so far from the words..."I Do." I just wanted to be with my boo forever and anything that came with him...I was wit it...you know the ride or die chick lol. But now as a mother, I know what kind of mother I strive to be...which is constantly evolving.  My goal is to raise emotionally intelligent, mature, dope people.  I mean I want my kids to be just soooo dope, smart, and aware in every area....but most of all, I want them to take advantage of their opportunities and be aware of the power in their choices. I think most parents want this... we  just have different approaches.....and then this thing called adolescence kicks in with your baby girl....and being the cool mom and other stuff goes out the window...lol.

I remember, as an adolescent saying, how I'm not going to be as a parent."Man, I'm not gonna trip out when I'm a parent, if they don't do their chores, I'mma let them go to the movies anyway......."you guys (my parents) are old...y'all can't relate"....blah blah blah" And then, as an adult, you read a text in your daughter's phone  that says, "nothin much but your @$$ on this dick,"from one of her male friends.  Inside Scream. Quick Composure. Southeast Tekeah (this ninja said what to my daughter!!). Gotta be cool...don't trip trip. All in one millisecond. Lawd a mercy!! Then the flashbacks of all the conversations I had in the car with my parents as an adolescent about boys and deceit and calling my parents old & "you don't understand," comes to mind. Time moves so fast. Now, I'm a parent with a teenage daughter!

Now, I'm the parent that checks social media, texts, instagram...and whatever else. And man, my daughter has way more avenues then I had for boy interaction and secretive communication amongst other thing (I think my parents had it way easier). I'm the parent that openly talks about sex, vaginas, penis's, body functions, body image, healthy eating, drugs,  dreams, perceptions, etc. I actually take information I learn from her social interaction to talk about different subjects....the hot topic right now is boys!   My daughter, who is def cut from a different thread, is shy, pretty, absorbed in social media (who isnt these days), dramatic, and secretive. The stage where your friends know everything and your parents are old and know only what you think they NEED to know.  So I think some times I come across to her as ewww why are we talking about this...but tell me more...but i'mma act like im not listening. I'm definitely not the cool parent that I envisioned myself being as of yet. Lol. Not the cool parent at all.

I don't know if I will be....right now, I do what I sense and feel is right. If that means checking her phone going thru text messages, having the talks where I have to be called old (which omg is mind-blowing...payback is something else...def reaping what I sowed to my parents)...I do it. I don't want her to make any of the decisions I made and the only way is to pray and show her that she has choices....empower her to make the best decisions for her life.

My approach is to challenge her to think differently and to not see things as just black and white. So we talk...sometimes she's engaged sometimes she's not....but I still talk. To her I'm not cool (Drats), but I'm weird because I talk about stuff her other parents don't really go into detail about. I talk to her about dating. My experiences...positive and negative.  Sometimes sigh...I'm tired.....this is for the birds...and then I read a text that she inquires if the guy is a virgin....how many times he's had sex and I smile. Knowing those questions came from one of our conversations about virgins and the different kinds of "virgins" and that you shouldn't be afraid to ask questions.  So growth. I'll take it. Though, I still want to be a cool mom.....i guess I'm still working in that area too. The journey continues....