How to Have 6 Children in 3 Years!

Some say that having children is easy and in our case it certainly seems that way. Over the course of 3 years we've had a family spurt and have had 6 children in 3 years.  So I've  gone from being a single woman with a cat to being married with 3 children (2011), to being married with 3 children and 2 cousins (who we adopted) (2013), to finally, being married with 6 children (the addition of my 1st biological child in 2014). Our house, as it stands, is like the modern day Brady bunch aka the Mason Herd or Mason bunch (2 parents, 6 children, 2 cats, and 1 dog). Lawd, a Mercy!!

So forgive me, if it's almost been a year since my last blog post. The last time I posted, I had just found out that I was pregnant. Now, my little one is 7 months old today! Wowzers, time sure does fly and I'm doing my best to keep up.   While I was on vacation, I started thinking about how I got to this point.  My family and I just returned from vacation this morning as a matter of fact. During our travels, I did a lot of thinking and I resolved that I needed to return to writing. Well I thought about a lot of other things too....you, too, would do a lot of thinking if you had a master vacation planned by the master planner of vacations, my husband.

Let me just hit you with our itinerary real quick: (auto train to Florida), Florida resort (Sat.-Tues), Disney World (Wed.) Disney Camp Ground (Tues- Sat.), Rubyhouse Ranch (Sat-Sun)....this is 8 people including traveling with  a new born (and I'm still breastfeeding). Side bar: i love my husband...but geez,I's tired. Needless to say, all that thinking led me back to writing about my experiences,  those lessons learned and unlearned. But before I returned, I thought it best that I make these rules (I just had to make some boundaries for this thing as I have a compulsive/perfectionist component to my personality lol):
-I will not  beat myself up, if I don't get to write a blog post....or its not "Deep" Life happens!  If I get to write one cool...if not, I say this as I am currently trying to win the battle  between me and my 7 month old as she is trying to steal my computer, Oh Well!

-I will continue to write, rather people click on the link or not.  My experiences are mine, and though insight can be gained from them...they are mine....it's okay if some things are relatable and some things aren't.

-I'm not perfect. The God inside of me is...however, I do not always follow his voice or his instructions immediately....so I make mistakes here and there lol...I am not perfect, but my heart is willing to learn, to fail, and to get back up again.

Welcome back to IAMNEWLYWED...the journey continues! Did you figure out how to have 6 children in 3 years?!

Is Marriage More Important than Your Kids...

I was on facebook when I stumbled upon this conversation: do you serve your children or your spouse first. This question touched the tip of the ice-burg on such a sensitive subject: who comes first, your marriage or your children.... and there were mixed passionate views.
 
Now for me, being in a relationship and dating = children come first; however, when you're married your relationship comes first, and then the children. Now, I'm not saying that you neglect your children. I would never say that; after all,  I'm a social worker and I believe that every child's basic needs should be met. Food, shelter, clothing, etc....all that is a given. 

 After God, my husband and I  (our marriage) comes first for the benefit of our children. We view our relationship as the foundation for our family and it is important that our foundation is solid. If our relationship is weak and filled with contention and strife it will trickle down to our children. Thus, we do our due diligence to protect our relationship as we are aware that not knowing how to set boundaries with your children can be relationship killers.

In the beginning it was definitely a transition as prior to marriage, my husband was a single parent with three children and so he was used to putting them first. Then, he remarried and so a transition had to take place. Once marriage takes place, two people must learn to function as one.  In marriage it is no longer children first, marriage second, but it is marriage first, children second. Sometimes it can get tricky when you're a part of a blended family, as the third person involved may not share the same views or value the marriage union.  I think this has been one of the more challenging aspects of being in a blended family,  transitioning and emphasizing the roles and structure of the family dynamics. Marriage first, then the children. There are times when we have to consider the role of children participating in numerous activities and or how or if it will affect our relationship. We don't commit to activities for the children without discussing it, etc. We have to make the decisions that are best.

This sounds weird to some...but I married my husband and he married me. We did stand not stand at the alter marrying our children. Do we love our children? Yes! Do we strive to do everything we can for our children?Yes!  Do we want them to be happy:) yes!The caveat is that there are boundaries that we follow as it concerns our children and their happiness is not our priority....their happiness does not run our relationship.

How to Make the Most Out of this Year with Kids, Jobs, & Relationships!

I've always been one who believes in writing down dreams, goals, and aspirations. I do this multiple times a year: at the end of the year/start of a new year, mid-year, etc. I just write. No matter how far fetched it seems I write out all of the things I'd like to accomplish. So for 2013, my family and I did our goals at least 2x last year. At the top of the year and before school started.

Here's the pre-cursor work before you make the most out of this year.

1. Evaluate your year?!! What have you accomplished out of the things that you had previously written down?
What's the point of writing it down  from year to year and not looking to see what you've actually accomplished. So, before the start of each year, I evaluate the things that I've written down the previous year. I even check them off:) (I love a line or a check thru something) What things did I actually accomplish from the things I had written to accomplish in 2013. I accomplished all but two.-- I didn't finish the book I'm writing and I didn't go horse back riding. Ha! I couldn't believe it!  All the others: Zumba Certified, Zumba instructor, Buddy Exercise individual sessions, G.I.G Cookies (more), read more books, write, pray, sing, bed and breakfasts, beach, teach more Step Classes & Fitness classes, Happier house, better relationship with my kids, better relationship with kid's mom, and to have two more children--- Accomplished them all. Woo Hoo! (you'd be amazed that on my board that in addition to my 3 children, I had two children one (from my womb) and the other a cousin or someone who would need help). Ha ha ..I don't have the children from my womb just yet but I do have two additional children lol. Go Figure!

Evaluating your progress is a reminder of all the things that you have the ability to do and you areas of improvement. It's also a confidence and self esteem builder. Helps you to evaluate what goals you want to keep or shed.

2.  What additional things did you accomplish that you didn't write down.
This is my first year doing this. I normally focus on the things that I had written down, but for some reason at the top of this year, 2014, I had an inkling to write down all of my accomplishments that weren't on my 2013 list. Lawd, the list! I didn't even realize how much I had accomplished last year. In fact, I recall several times throughout the year  complaining that  I wasn't doing all that I wanted to do, to which my husband always had puzzled looks lol! After writing this list!! Girl Shut up!
Husband, from 3 to 5 kids, two cats, and one dog, 2nd year in marriage-- here's my list:)

Certified R.I.P.P.E.D Instructor, worked with PR marketing group for 6 months, Monthly Women Fellowships, Made new Friends, Stretch Instructor, Rode ATVs, Never Be the Blame Video Released (7,500k hits), video features (Okay Player etc), Weight Maintenance since 2010, Date Night Tuesdays, I AM Newly wed blog,  Wammie nomination, new house, Love Chronicles of Superman Trilogy released, DNA Ancestry, rode an elephant, completed rebel race, camping, SOFCC praise and worship leader, zip lining, India Arie Concert, Lionel Ritchie Concert, Kanye West & Kendrick Lamar Concert,  Wayna Concert, updated website, 3rd annual grocery give away, family pictures, solo gigs and performances, tree trimming parties, unified at least 5 adoptees with their biological parents, (provided treats and singing),  Terrapin Adventures hikes and obstacle courses,  attended the Grammys, volunteered grammy dc chapter, etc.

Writing this stuff down, lets me know all the possibilities and how much we can do with the time we have:) and it takes away all the excuses...also, highlighted how much I underestimate the positives and accomplishments in my life.

Now that the pre-work is done for right now, now lets make the most of this year. After you've patted yourself on the back for your other accomplishments, its time to write down your goals for 2014:)

3. Write down everything you'd like to accomplish this year....from minuscule to far fetched ( though I really don't believe anything is far fetched).
It's something about when you write something down. I firmly believe its etched in your memory bank and in your subconscious. Plus, I feel like you can accomplish more things when you remember to write them down. Also, I'm realizing, my thoughts come so fast that if I don't write them down, I forget them and have missed out on an opportunity to make the most of my time.

“When you write down your ideas you automatically focus your full attention on them. Few if any of us can write one thought and think another at the same time. Thus a pencil and paper make excellent concentration tools.”

Michael Leboeuf. 

4.  Draw pictures or cut out pictures (its my favorite part) and rewrite your list on a board.
I tend to group mine into sections: health & wellness, music, family, Spirituality , Business/Creativity, and My Marriage:) Its something about rewriting and writing things more than once. I firmly believe the more you rewrite and form a picture of it, the more it gets etched into your memory and subconscious.

5. Tell your close friends and family.
I am very selective about who I share my aspirations with though I believe that you should constantly talk and verbalize your hopes with your biggest supporters. My best friend is my husband:) so I show him everything. I find that it makes it easier later in the year when he's like when did you want to start doing that...I can refer to my visual list...and he also keeps me focused, accountable, and on track. ...or if I add some other stuff ...he keeps me in check like hey that's not on the list...one might have to give. This also helps to set boundaries as to reasons why you may not be able to engage in other things at the time...because your working on something.

6.  Do  It:) and revisit your list as often as you can. Take it one day at a time:)...and see if you can do something daily towards your goals (all the little steps add up)

This is how I made the the most of 2013...by accident lol...this year, 2014, I will be doing it intentionally. Having kids, jobs, hobbies,  and or relationships... don't stop no show...you just become more creative at getting it done!!

2 yrs In & Angry with God!! *shakes fist*

Last month, I celebrated two years of marriage to my handsome beau. Its amazing how much growth can happen in two years.  In two years,  so many changes have taken place in a split second.  From the moment I said "I Do," I went from being a single woman with one cat to a married woman with a husband, three children, an ex-wife, and a cat.   We then added a dog :). Several adjustments were made in year one....quick adjustments necessary for our survival. As soon as I finally got the swing of everything.....better management of my household, the children, better working relationship with the ex wife....we added two more children. We hadn't even reached year 2 just yet....just a month shy of it.  I haven't really sat down with my feelings as we have been on the go...and most times now, we barely have time to sit down without the house being crowded or having to supervise, referee, teach lessons, revisit schedules, cook meals, etc. I think my husband and I are doing the the best we can to keep things as normal as we can. We still have dates and our time together....but its not always easy.

There are times...where I feel like, I got this...and then there are times where I haven't gotten the best sleep and or I feel overwhelmed or I just want moments to myself..and I just feel angry. Like last night. Like today. Who am I angry with...GOD. Not like I haven't been angry with him before. I'm like God you know me....why!! Why are you requiring me to learn to be a different person at the age of 33 years old.  Why God?!! My husband told me just last night....somebody thinks highly of us. Humph!I asked for children from my womb!! shakes fist! I have freakin baby clothes, a baby vision board, etc....whats up...where's my baby?!! As I type this, I feel like a child having a temper tantrum because I didn't get what I wanted just yet.

And then I have these moments....where I want to treat God just like I treat someone when I'm angry with them. I don't talk to them and ignore them....and I have treated Him like that in the past and over the course of this month at times.  I will not lie I have. I hate being angry and with Him. Yet, I am not afraid to voice my concern or discomfort...thank God for a God who will allow you to be honest.

Even in my angry times with God, He still speaks to me (He is the true example of love who continues in spite of). I heard him say....:"I got you."  Nothing long or long winded. Simple --"I got you."  Then  He reminded me of the Will and Jaden Smith movie called "After Earth" where there's a segment about fear.....

“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me danger is very real but fear is a choice.”
― Will Smith

And there is a scene where Jaden embraces his father's words and begins to take in every moment for what it is...and fear and the thing that is trying to destroy can't 'find him....can't even see him. It reminded me of God, how when we understand that faith is now, and take in our Father's words...that we can hide in His words of faith....and hide in Him.  Situations will come for us...but because we are living in the now of faith...it can't touch us.

Just venting... and realizing that my anger was displaced fear.

YOU HATE ME.

I don't know even know where to begin as this weekend was a weekend to remember. Let's start with the word Hate. 

"I hate my parents, especially Her."

The her in that message was referring to yours truly. I can't even describe how I felt when I read that message. 

"I'm doing all that I can, and I don't think she even cares rather I live or die." 

Words from my husband about our teenage daughter. Now, to hear my daughter say she hates me...hurt....but to hear my husband...knowing all the struggles he's gone thru to be there and provide the best for his children, was like a dagger to my heart.  Better yet my husband, was so hurt that he didn't even want to talk about it....so I became angry with him. I'm like not talk about it...all the pissyness in the air ...urgh! So many things went thru my head on that Friday...one. I need to get out of this house... too much negative energy....two. who can I call to be around that provide soothing.... yes all that.

You know it amazes me that in that moment, the person I wanted to be around most, was my mother. I just wanted to be held like a child...no words just a presence...but she couldn't be reached...and then I always question ..can I bare my soul without it traveling around robin hood's barn. Sorry, but my mother can't keep her mouth if her life depended on it lol. So next in line were my sisters...one out of town having a blast and the other had just gotten home from work. My sister who was coming home from work..ehhh...she's known to everyone for being a savior and providing just what you need....but i felt guilty....i'm coming to realize I really don't like burdening people with my woes...and I didn't want my sister to exert energy just coming from work. So I chose to go over my grandmother's house....no matter what, my grandmother doesn't have to say a thing...me seeing her is strength. On the way to her house...I cried. I've never wanted to be hated and it hurts to see my husband hurting and my daughter hurting amongst everything else going on in our house. I just cried.  I never pictured my family like this. I allowed it all just to come out. I allowed myself to be angry and then I returned to my house. Sat in the driveway for a while, but I went back in.

Now in my moment, I would have never foresaw what would happen the next day. I was still hurt and angry; however, I got up at 7 am and did my shopping. For some reason grocery shopping brings me joy and is a stress reliever....I have no idea why. When I returned,  my husband, my daughter, and I had a talk. I prayed that God would give me the words to truly be honest and express my feelings.  My husband shared his hurt with her. I shared with her how I was doing the best that I could. I told her that it hurt to hear her say that she hated me when I wanted nothing but the best for her.  I shared with her that we want her to have fun yet we still have standards. Instead of saying, don't hate me...I gave her permission to hate me. I also shared with her that I would not be changing...I want the best for her and know her potential and what she is capable of.... I told her that if her goal was to hurt me....she succeeded. I am hurt...and I leave to cry and try to get myself together at times....and come back to do what I need to do for my family. At the end of the day, I can't stop pushing her or any of my other children. I just can't, especially knowing I have to stand before God and give an account of how I trained and or didn't train my children. I told her just that...go on and hate me....but I'm not going anywhere. I'm not getting a divorce. I'm not gonna not hold you accountable...i may have to cry from your treatment or whatever..but I'mma be right here.  I did tell her that I would be trying to speak more softly instead of so firm....thats what I'm working on. I can't believe I said all that.

I have no idea where that vulnerability came from but I said it and I meant it...and most of all I said it in a warm and soft tone . That evening my husband and I got a letter. She told me that she was sorry and that she did try to hurt me because I married her father.....but she also thanked me for never giving up on her. It was signed, your daughter. When I got that letter, I can't even express the joy and the tears....i was already in the midst of doing Zumba....but an entire new dance took over. One filled with kicks and tears....and moves ....it was a dance of victory. I couldn't choreograph that dance even if I tried.

I have no words...other than God is awesome. I'm new to this parenting thing....all the twists and turns..but God isn't.  The shell is breaking.....and i'm trusting God with my vulnerability. Its His job to protect me. 

Swagged out/!!

I can't believe it's Tuesday...I really like to purge on Mondays lol...but I sat down to write and then ended up working and doing everything else except what I had intended to do. Surely, I know I'm not the only one that this has happened to lol... Well alas! I get a moment to reflect.

So this past weekend, the kiddies returned...and sometimes when they come back from the weekend it's almost like a roll of the dice. You just never know what your gonna get.   But this weekend was fairly cool. I'm learning that no matter how they come (no matter the mood) that it's important for me to be consistent..anyways, I digress.

 Back to this past weekend. Now, out of my three children the one who has the most mouth....is my middle son who's 12 years old. I won't say his name, as he is a kid of "swag," lol and me saying his name would "take away from his coolness/swag" I'm sure lol and it would embarrass him.  Nonetheless, he's the one who just has to be right or has to have the last word, no matter if he's right or wrong. I guess a christian, faith-filled, therapist, positive soul singer, shouldn't say that he makes me wanna decapitate him sometimes.... But who am I fooling...lol...God already knows. LOL!

But this weekend, I had to pat myself on the back and note some growth. So for the purpose of this blog, my middle son's name throughout this blog will be "Swag."  So Swag  comes home in a relatively good mood and I'm in a good mood too because  I sold all my G.I.G cookies (www.greenteasoul.com). Excuse the shameless plug.  So just chillin and having fun, I decide to make it rain (throw money in the air) and of course the boys grab up the money and high tail it. We call em back..and  somewhere Swag says Ma-T doesn't buy us anything except candy from the $1 store. I responded oh really...like the house you live in, the clothes on our back..yadda yadda.  He's like, Dad pays for it...or something like that. I was like, really. But unlike before....I let it roll off my back. Before I would have had the verbal artillery cocked, loaded, and fired like an automatic machine gun.... but I didn't I just kept it moving. Wee hee high five for me!

It did show me how little, children comprehend, and how much they take things for granted. I think that in the beginning of our  marriage, that it was the biggest sticking point for me....I felt they were unappreciative and took things for granted....complete shock. bwhahahahaa!! Now that I'm looking back, ha ha, most kids are unappreciative and or feel that parents are doing what they "supposed" to do. But I realize that I was looking through the lenses of my past,  growing up in the hood and so close to poverty.  I'm thinking, these ninjas got a nerve to be ungrateful when they're children who don't have it like this.  I'm bending over backwards to increase our money and I get sass lol.....sounding like my mother lol....and everything other parent of I've heard.

But what do my kids know....they've never experienced any different....they don't know about southeast dc and the things that can come with it. They've never experienced how it was or how  it could be, they just know how it is. Could I be angry that they have  it better then how I had it growing up and to put icing on the cake,  they don't appreciate it....pause. nahhhh...lol

So I'm patting myself on the back for not tripping out and not feeling like I had to convince a 12 year old, who pays the bills around here. Whats the use of trying to rationalize with a 12 year old...none at this point.

What is that you do again?!!

 Just last week, a person asked me, what I did for a living. The answer is not the usual one answer. The answer goes... well I'm a group exercise instructor, a baker,  a singer/songwriter, post-adoption researcher/Homestudy, writer, etc. Prior to asking me that question, they asked my husband the same one and they got one  answer,  a computer engineer. When this questioned is asked, my husband and I, take a deep breath,look at each other, then I give my long answer coupled with "oh, I'm a praise and worship leader too ."  I should have added mother and wife too....I'll add that next time lol.

I do a lot of things as my goal is to do the things that bring me joy and put forth effort to eliminate the things that don't.  I got that from reading the books written by the Delaney sisters:) In 2010, I retired from being a full time social worker to focus on my happiness and pursue my music full time.  Within that time period, I lost 48 lbs, was writing and recording my new album,  became a group exercise instructor, weight watchers leader, etc. Then in 2011, I added wife and mother to the list. 

Which brings me here. I am a singer/songwriter. I've been singing since I can remember and I've been pursuing music professionally since 2004. I have a total of 5 albums out, under the moniker (Green Tea) which has now changed to GREENTEASOUL.  In 2011, I became a wife/mother, with a husband and 3 children, 2 cats, and 1 dog.  My biggest challenge was how to do both without feeling guilty about sacrificing something in one or the other. I'm still working on that. Its definitely a balancing act. Music takes time, energy, and money (we have a separate budget for Green Tea and I sell G.I.G cookies to cover my music expenses). Family takes time, energy, and money. EEK!! I started to feel guilty about both. And then, after this last venture with investing in my music didn't pan out the way that I thought. I really became down. I started thinking about all the different ways I could have used that investment in my family.  Then another music venture, I wanted to take part in with a really great producer... I got the estimated expenses..and my heart sank. I really couldn't at the time because it wasn't feasible financially....and so I had to tell him. Eeek I hated doing that! Thank God for a supportive husband though. He supports my dream and was being the voice of reason.....he was like ummm you been in the game how long? I've listened to a lot of music industry's success stories...and they were in the game longer than you, before they actually made it." Oh and by the way, they have a label paying for their stuff." You got to love him...but i didn't want to hear that. I'm Tekeah remember its supposed to be different lol. But I was really considering throwing in the towel on music.  Like maybe I had reached my pinnacle. I had written a blog on July 9 that pondered, should I quit. That was just last week.

Needless to say I didn't quit...and I allowed people to encourage me. I also know that I'm an emotional person especially around certain times of the month. lol. So, its not wise for me to make decisions when I'm emotional. Fast forward to today. I got word on Monday asking me if I'd like to open up for Lyfe Jennings. Of course I answered yes...and went back to my business....you get so many what ifs in the music business...I wait until I see the fine print before I get my hopes up. But it was and is confirmed! I am opening up for Lyfe Jennings on this Saturday, July 20 at the Howard Theatre.

One week pondering quitting, the next week slated to open up for a platinum artist. In the past week, have I figured out how to let music and my family co-exist in its entirety? No. What have I figured out is that I have people who will have my back and won't let me quit. I got a response from one of my friends in the industry, "Your not quitting. The end."  lol I figured out that my purpose of singing is not to just make money or tour all over the world but it is: To encourage people to grow, love, and heal, thru music and outreach.  At the end of the day that is my purpose and I can't get caught up in what others are doing or how far they have come. I thank God for this opportunity...and just for being to be able to learn from the positive and negative.

It's Morning...

Its morning...my favorite time of the day. I've always loved mornings....the newness of the day, the chance to start again.  Mornings, my most pensive moments. I've always loved them. I think I maybe loved them more because the mornings represented my "me times" for so long....represented my freedom to begin the day anyway that I liked....sometimes loud music/dance routines...sometimes dancing around the house naked (or just walking around the house with whatever on)...sometimes singing at the top of my lungs...sometimes just curling up with my cat, George, saying nothing...just anything goes! The simple liberties of free mornings! It's amazing the stuff you take for granted during your pre-married days.  You don't realize all of the value in them until things are switched around.

I AM NEWLY WED. Mornings. Adjustment. Living with others. Adjustment. Children in elementary, middle school, & high school (all with different bus schedules). Adjustment.  Living with non-morning people. BIG ADJUSTMENT!

I think one the biggest adjustments was adjusting to my mornings no longer being my own. Did I mention I was a morning person? My husband is a morning person too...that's one of the reasons why I love him so.... my children, absolutely not....tho my middle son is a bit better than the other two.  Combine that with different morning schedules (morning school bus). Eek I started to hate mornings. Not only could I no longer walk around the house naked ( I know TMI...but its such a simple joy for me lol), I now had to wake up and make sure everybody had and did everything they were supposed to do. Eek! My intermittent dance and singing routines on hold. So the bubbly Tekeah...was did you brush your teeth, put on deodorant, did you eat...all that. I don't want to do all that talking in the morning. I wanna chill and enjoy the birds.  Let creative juices flow.You know, reflect.  Then I couldn't understand why....get this...wait for it.... I couldn't understand, why I had to keep saying the same stuff, day after day, to the kids.  Apparently, I thought their learning curve was a bit slow....when in fact I had forgotten what its like to be a kid....so I guess my learning curve was a bit slow lol. Kids sometimes try your greatest area of improvement....which mine was/is patience.  I AM NEWLY WED! lol

Then on top of that...during the weekend...guess who wanted to continue the early morning ritual of being a morning person, my husband.  So let me get this straight, the only day I don't "have to" get up and ensure that everybody is up and at em...my husband wants to get up at 7 am and get the day going. Ninja please! Ha Ha! Can you imagine the turmoil.... *swings arm across the bed to cuddle with husband* Empty space. He is up doing something...working out...talking about cutting grass or something.  Boy Bye!

I sit and think about it now. He didn't change. I did.  My  morning routine differed. My needs changed. Initially for a while, I was blown and I would tell him. "I just want you to lay here with me." Ummm...next Saturday he'd be up and at em again.  I guess he thought I was talking about just last Saturday. I'm like what part did this ninja not understand? I'd tell him again, "I just want you to lay with me because this is the only day that I don't have to get up to do anything and I just want to enjoy this. I don't want to get up uber early on Saturdays when we don't have too" I had to keep saying that for a lil while until he got it. I had to continue to express my needs and wishes to him and he got it. Patience and repetitiveness. Constant re-evaluation of my communication--Is it clear? Does he understand what I'm asking?

I started to take the same approach with the kids. Though I ain't gonna lie, I really don't like having to say things more than once...idk where I get that from lol. Lawd knows my parents told me the same things  over and over for eons...until I got it? lol

I don't know why I'm writing about this now. Maybe because it's a Tuesday morning and the love for mornings is rekindled. Right now, the kids are at a point where, I don't have to tell them wake up, read for an hour, get dressed, eat breakfast....they can do that on there own. After a year and a half, they are growing. I am growing. All I ask now is did you do what you were supposed to do and they say yes Wee hee! Hallelujah! Breakthru!

I think sometimes in the moment, I think that things are always going to be a certain way forever. Then the emotions arise. I guess that's the drama queen in me. Taking a step back to make sure that I am communicating what it is that I want and just not assuming or thinking that people should know what I want or what I'm going thru, is key. One day at a time.

It is 9 am . They have already showered, dressed, made breakfast, and I didn't say a word. They even asked last night to go to the library to get a new book:) for their reading time. Oh yeah fist pump! Trouble don't last always...ha ha !

Sunday Morning, Family, Church & Trayvon Martin

Today started off....just weird First of all last night, I had several dreams intertwined that were definitely troublesome. I don't remember all of them but I probably should have written them down when I awoke this morning. The bit that I do remember involved a great uncle that I never met before ( but just heard of)...something related to death.... it was just weird. Next time, I'll try to remember to write my dreams down as soon as I wake up, but I was rushing this morning (which I hate especially when I have to lead Praise and Worship).  I had a little residue of those troublesome dreams but I pressed on. Got myself together, kids, hubby, and had just enough time to feed the dog and the cats (sure which they could feed themselves this morning lol). In the car, I continue to prepare  myself to lead praise and worship for the congregation (I normally replay the song a million times lol...go over and over etc...warm ups.. write notes...i get nervous sometimes)  when I heard the news on the radio that the jury had found George Zimmerman not guilty in the Trayvon Martin case. I screamed in the car. Complete Horror. I saw the look on my husbands face...the instant anger and disappointment. His response was, "I guess I need to tell the boys now that when a white man is chasing them to not defend themselves because they could end up dead and the attacker would go free," etc. I was definitely upset with a flood of emotions, but I told my husband that now isn't the time to have the conversation....with those first emotions of anger....especially with the kids.  I tried to just go on....but I couldn't act like what I had heard hadn't hurt or affected me emotionally.

It did. However, I had a job to do. For my family, I definitely wanted to find a way to talk about it once we, the parents, processed our anger and or other negative feelings so that we can properly present and explain it to our boys and baby girl. I remember my husband saying..."this changes how I have to raise my boys. The outcome of the verdict changes how I have to raise my sons." It was then at that moment ...that I began to think about what song I as going to sing for praise and worship. How the congregation's spirit may be heavy. I just heard God in my spirit say, no matter what, we don't change. Things are going to come and challenge us...but we don't change our beliefs based upon the outcome of the situations. We are spiritually mature and we are not ruled by the things of this world....thats all I heard.  So that's what I went in to lead praise and worship with...those were my words of comfort. We are spiritually mature and we are not moved by the things of this world. There are going to be many injustices in this life...but we can't be moved and change up. Praise and Worship was awesome and I truly sensed that there was garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness.

On the way home from church, my husband and I talked about it some more, as we had diff opinions as it concerned what the sermon should have been about.... i think my husband thought that the church should have addressed it..... I on the other hand, did not feel it was necessary.  So we both gave support for our premise. We articulated our thoughts...and I  must say that I enjoy these moments because discussing it stretches us to think and consider the others point of view.

There are some moments where I have shifts in my thinking...little spurts of change I guess and this was it. I  expressed to him that I feel that the situation with Trayvon Martin is a tragedy and I pray for the family. In the same respect, I honestly don't know what happened...I just know some of the things that were presented and that someone's child is dead because of it. It saddens me and it hurts. God on the other hand is aware of what happened. George Zimmerman is aware of what happened. Trayvon Martin is aware of what happened, however, he is deceased. And so because I don't know all the facts, I can only trust in God in this instance and let Him be the avenger.

Romans 12:17-21 

17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil.j Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.k 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.l 19 Do not take revenge,m my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”d n says the Lord. 20 On the contrary:

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;

if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.

In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”e o

21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

I feel thats the only way to not let a seed of distrust, of hate, and anger take root in me and or in my family....especially my children. I don't want to change the way I raise my children and teach them to distrust....I just don't want that. Of course my husband and I will delve into this deeper probably later on tonight so we can come to an agreement as to how to express this with the kids. But above all, this is a situation out of our control....and in this instance we have to trust God and stand on his word regardless of if the verdict goes against what we feel.  I think we have to demonstrate to our children how to navigate this without a little seed of fear, distrust, hate of another race/justice system, developing in them. I have to try to make sure no seed of anger gets rooted in my husband....as he has had enough experiences of discrimination to begin with.

I have to trust God in this situation, pray for the Martin Family, & even for the Zimmerman Family (eek even though I don't FEEL like it...I'mma still pray). I have to pray for my own family and that I will continue to raise my family to do the things of God and trust him regardless of the injustices that come our way. Sigh.

Sext, Love, & other Drugs

I never really thought about what kind of parent I wanted to be....other than a "cool" mom...who was still fly, still played a a lot, and was relatable to her kids....yup, that about sums it up. Now that I think more about it, the thought about my life as a parent, was so far from the words..."I Do." I just wanted to be with my boo forever and anything that came with him...I was wit it...you know the ride or die chick lol. But now as a mother, I know what kind of mother I strive to be...which is constantly evolving.  My goal is to raise emotionally intelligent, mature, dope people.  I mean I want my kids to be just soooo dope, smart, and aware in every area....but most of all, I want them to take advantage of their opportunities and be aware of the power in their choices. I think most parents want this... we  just have different approaches.....and then this thing called adolescence kicks in with your baby girl....and being the cool mom and other stuff goes out the window...lol.

I remember, as an adolescent saying, how I'm not going to be as a parent."Man, I'm not gonna trip out when I'm a parent, if they don't do their chores, I'mma let them go to the movies anyway......."you guys (my parents) are old...y'all can't relate"....blah blah blah" And then, as an adult, you read a text in your daughter's phone  that says, "nothin much but your @$$ on this dick,"from one of her male friends.  Inside Scream. Quick Composure. Southeast Tekeah (this ninja said what to my daughter!!). Gotta be cool...don't trip trip. All in one millisecond. Lawd a mercy!! Then the flashbacks of all the conversations I had in the car with my parents as an adolescent about boys and deceit and calling my parents old & "you don't understand," comes to mind. Time moves so fast. Now, I'm a parent with a teenage daughter!

Now, I'm the parent that checks social media, texts, instagram...and whatever else. And man, my daughter has way more avenues then I had for boy interaction and secretive communication amongst other thing (I think my parents had it way easier). I'm the parent that openly talks about sex, vaginas, penis's, body functions, body image, healthy eating, drugs,  dreams, perceptions, etc. I actually take information I learn from her social interaction to talk about different subjects....the hot topic right now is boys!   My daughter, who is def cut from a different thread, is shy, pretty, absorbed in social media (who isnt these days), dramatic, and secretive. The stage where your friends know everything and your parents are old and know only what you think they NEED to know.  So I think some times I come across to her as ewww why are we talking about this...but tell me more...but i'mma act like im not listening. I'm definitely not the cool parent that I envisioned myself being as of yet. Lol. Not the cool parent at all.

I don't know if I will be....right now, I do what I sense and feel is right. If that means checking her phone going thru text messages, having the talks where I have to be called old (which omg is mind-blowing...payback is something else...def reaping what I sowed to my parents)...I do it. I don't want her to make any of the decisions I made and the only way is to pray and show her that she has choices....empower her to make the best decisions for her life.

My approach is to challenge her to think differently and to not see things as just black and white. So we talk...sometimes she's engaged sometimes she's not....but I still talk. To her I'm not cool (Drats), but I'm weird because I talk about stuff her other parents don't really go into detail about. I talk to her about dating. My experiences...positive and negative.  Sometimes sigh...I'm tired.....this is for the birds...and then I read a text that she inquires if the guy is a virgin....how many times he's had sex and I smile. Knowing those questions came from one of our conversations about virgins and the different kinds of "virgins" and that you shouldn't be afraid to ask questions.  So growth. I'll take it. Though, I still want to be a cool mom.....i guess I'm still working in that area too. The journey continues....

U Gone Learn Today!

I've always been eager to learn and I'm always seeking information to improve... rather its myself or others. I mean always.  Rather its reading a book, engaged in a convo, going to trainings, art, physical activity, etc. whatever...im seeking to gain something from everything. I really love learning:) (yes, geeks unite). I went to college to study behavior and received my master's in social work (MSW).  Here lately, I've been thinking if my MSW is also my crutch, my defense mechanism,...my way to protect myself. 

You see, a part of my training is to look for patterns and connect the behavior to thinking feelings.blah, blah, blah. In evaluating my relationships, I seek people who's patterns I can predict.  Most of the people in my life, I tend to know the pattern, know their inconsistencies, most times lol. I married my husband because he's most consistent in being him. He's also a lot like my father, who's consistent to a fault at being him lol.  They're predictable people. I know their patterns. My mother, I know her pattern as irrational as it can be at times lol...i know it and so I make my decisions, as it concerns her, based upon my collection of data on her patterns. My friends, I tend to know their patterns, how they would respond. My kids. Lawd, what's the pattern!! lol! (I'll come back to that). People, who I see, as having a pattern that could harm me in the end, I avoid, or have a barrier up to protect me.

I love patterns and behavior. I love predictability. I love cause and effect. If i can predict what's going to happen or how I think a person is going to respond then I can prepare. If I can prepare then I can safe guard myself against being hurt. I can feel safe and not have surprise jabs of pain. I, in some respects, have some control over the outcome. I think this thinking is a safety technique, a defense, in a certain regard....and guess who is teaching me this, my kids!

Yes, kids have a way of magnifying your issues of improvement, highlighting your errors,  and challenging you to become better. Of course, I didn't see it like that at first. They have and are teaching me that I am/was rigid in some respects and lacked flexibility as it concerned adjusting to people changing their patterns. Because initially during the first months/year of being married, I experienced a lot of grief from them and from their mom, I put up a wall. You can't get close to me, and I don't want to get close to you, because you showed me, via your pattern, that you want to hurt me.  That and the fact that I could not wrap my mind totally around the exact pattern of my children.  Children are the most unpredictable people lol. One day we could be smooth sailing...the next day they would come in with attitudes....and I'm like Lawd, what is going on. Definitely, a wrench in some things. Most of all, I realized I didn't feel safe because at any point I could be made fun of (which they often do and still do...tho its lessoned significantly) or rejected. EEk! So you talking a major shift! Remember my equation  predictability = safety.... unpredictability = unsafe. 

What a lesson. What a shift.  I am reworking some things...where I  am learning to be in the moment, without armor on, to be vulnerable, and flexible.  Tearing down the very walls that I used for saftey...To take patterns for moments in time and not etch them in stone....its work....and people change and do sporadic things to. I am changing...sometimes i'm kicking and screaming at the same time...I AM NEWLY WED lol!  My kids are showing me that and for that I am grateful. I'm not one that has it all together...but I am willing to learn and become better. They are teaching me...in the words of Kevin Hart...U gonna learn today!

Here's a clip from yesterday. My boys came up with a routine to ask me to take them to the movies to see Despicable Me 2. It caught me so off guard I had them do it again so I could record it. It inspired the content for this blog and reminded me to expect change and the unexpected. It made me so happy to see this and witness this change. I don't think I would have been open to receive this if I was stuck on their previous "pattern."  Check it out!

And Despicable Me 2 was good!!