I've always been eager to learn and I'm always seeking information to improve... rather its myself or others. I mean always. Rather its reading a book, engaged in a convo, going to trainings, art, physical activity, etc. whatever...im seeking to gain something from everything. I really love learning:) (yes, geeks unite). I went to college to study behavior and received my master's in social work (MSW). Here lately, I've been thinking if my MSW is also my crutch, my defense mechanism,...my way to protect myself.
You see, a part of my training is to look for patterns and connect the behavior to thinking feelings.blah, blah, blah. In evaluating my relationships, I seek people who's patterns I can predict. Most of the people in my life, I tend to know the pattern, know their inconsistencies, most times lol. I married my husband because he's most consistent in being him. He's also a lot like my father, who's consistent to a fault at being him lol. They're predictable people. I know their patterns. My mother, I know her pattern as irrational as it can be at times lol...i know it and so I make my decisions, as it concerns her, based upon my collection of data on her patterns. My friends, I tend to know their patterns, how they would respond. My kids. Lawd, what's the pattern!! lol! (I'll come back to that). People, who I see, as having a pattern that could harm me in the end, I avoid, or have a barrier up to protect me.
I love patterns and behavior. I love predictability. I love cause and effect. If i can predict what's going to happen or how I think a person is going to respond then I can prepare. If I can prepare then I can safe guard myself against being hurt. I can feel safe and not have surprise jabs of pain. I, in some respects, have some control over the outcome. I think this thinking is a safety technique, a defense, in a certain regard....and guess who is teaching me this, my kids!
Yes, kids have a way of magnifying your issues of improvement, highlighting your errors, and challenging you to become better. Of course, I didn't see it like that at first. They have and are teaching me that I am/was rigid in some respects and lacked flexibility as it concerned adjusting to people changing their patterns. Because initially during the first months/year of being married, I experienced a lot of grief from them and from their mom, I put up a wall. You can't get close to me, and I don't want to get close to you, because you showed me, via your pattern, that you want to hurt me. That and the fact that I could not wrap my mind totally around the exact pattern of my children. Children are the most unpredictable people lol. One day we could be smooth sailing...the next day they would come in with attitudes....and I'm like Lawd, what is going on. Definitely, a wrench in some things. Most of all, I realized I didn't feel safe because at any point I could be made fun of (which they often do and still do...tho its lessoned significantly) or rejected. EEk! So you talking a major shift! Remember my equation predictability = safety.... unpredictability = unsafe.
What a lesson. What a shift. I am reworking some things...where I am learning to be in the moment, without armor on, to be vulnerable, and flexible. Tearing down the very walls that I used for saftey...To take patterns for moments in time and not etch them in stone....its work....and people change and do sporadic things to. I am changing...sometimes i'm kicking and screaming at the same time...I AM NEWLY WED lol! My kids are showing me that and for that I am grateful. I'm not one that has it all together...but I am willing to learn and become better. They are teaching me...in the words of Kevin Hart...U gonna learn today!
Here's a clip from yesterday. My boys came up with a routine to ask me to take them to the movies to see Despicable Me 2. It caught me so off guard I had them do it again so I could record it. It inspired the content for this blog and reminded me to expect change and the unexpected. It made me so happy to see this and witness this change. I don't think I would have been open to receive this if I was stuck on their previous "pattern." Check it out!
And Despicable Me 2 was good!!
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