I saw this movie eons ago....yet, hearing the quote, "If You Want me to Hate Her I Will," is still heart-wrenching as when I first heard it. Well, welcome to the story of my life. Now, I don't know if my kids have specifically asked this question of their mom, but what I do know, is that they take their cues from their biological mother as it concerns how they should treat me.
If the parent is okay with the other parent moving on, then the children will be okay. If they are not, then....they won't.
I can recall when I began dating my husband. The youngest would say, "yeah, my mother talks about you. " Then I dealt with it head on when I would see her and she ignored my salutations. "Hello." No response. Not only would she ignore my greetings, if we were attending a basketball game with the children she would sit somewhere else. Even when we took her daughter with us on our family vacation, the 6 year old said, "yeah, my mother's doesn't like Mr. Tron." I made no comment though it was awful. All of this, I couldn't understand it. Especially because I wanted to have a great relationship with my husband's ex-wife.....just for the simple reason of it being the best for the children. I didn't want them to feel like they had to act one way in front of their mother and another way when she wasn't around. I've never wanted children to feel torn between parents. It actually got worse before it got better.... there's been a little improvement but, there is still stuff that goes on that burns me up....
One of the things that really highlighted just how deeply rooted we affect the thoughts and feelings of our children toward's others was when I read an apology letter from my daughter. She had gotten in trouble for something and she wrote me an apology letter and then at the end she said, love your daughter. I can't tell you how happy I was to read that....but then days later I revisited the letter
only to find that the, the love your daughter, was crossed out. My heart sunk. I asked her about it...and she told me that she crossed it out because if her mother found out or read it, her mother would be upset with her. I told her that I'm sorry that is the case and just shared my heart with her. I told her that I am not her mother and am not here to replace her mother. However, I am a bonus mother. It saddens me to hear the anguish of children feeling like they have to choose....and or deny feelings so that their parent won't be angry and or disappointed with them. I have always been conscious of my influence on my children... even when I strongly disagree and or dislike something the ex-wife does, I don't discuss it in front of my children. I don't talk bad about her. My gripes are discussed privately with my husband. I think we must do a better job at protecting our children as what we say do and act have supreme influence.
When I think about it, I think I learned this from my mother. My birth father did not play an active role in my life, yet, she did not bad mouth him or make him out to be an enemy. She shared about him (hobbies, etc) and allowed me to form my own thoughts and perceptions about him. I get my dancing and singing from him, lol. I am thankful to my mother for that....for allowing me to develop my own thoughts and feelings based upon my experience and or lack of experience with him.
I think every parent who has children from a past relationship should realize the power and influence that they have on their children feeling's toward's their parents, be it biological and or step-parents. More specifically, even if you don't like them as a person, learn to separate your past relationship from the parenting relationship.....carrying over old stuff into your kid's relationship with their parents just ain't right....not to mention while your tainting the image of the parent...your also tainting the image your child.....
What are your thoughts on this?
If the parent is okay with the other parent moving on, then the children will be okay. If they are not, then....they won't.
I can recall when I began dating my husband. The youngest would say, "yeah, my mother talks about you. " Then I dealt with it head on when I would see her and she ignored my salutations. "Hello." No response. Not only would she ignore my greetings, if we were attending a basketball game with the children she would sit somewhere else. Even when we took her daughter with us on our family vacation, the 6 year old said, "yeah, my mother's doesn't like Mr. Tron." I made no comment though it was awful. All of this, I couldn't understand it. Especially because I wanted to have a great relationship with my husband's ex-wife.....just for the simple reason of it being the best for the children. I didn't want them to feel like they had to act one way in front of their mother and another way when she wasn't around. I've never wanted children to feel torn between parents. It actually got worse before it got better.... there's been a little improvement but, there is still stuff that goes on that burns me up....
One of the things that really highlighted just how deeply rooted we affect the thoughts and feelings of our children toward's others was when I read an apology letter from my daughter. She had gotten in trouble for something and she wrote me an apology letter and then at the end she said, love your daughter. I can't tell you how happy I was to read that....but then days later I revisited the letter
only to find that the, the love your daughter, was crossed out. My heart sunk. I asked her about it...and she told me that she crossed it out because if her mother found out or read it, her mother would be upset with her. I told her that I'm sorry that is the case and just shared my heart with her. I told her that I am not her mother and am not here to replace her mother. However, I am a bonus mother. It saddens me to hear the anguish of children feeling like they have to choose....and or deny feelings so that their parent won't be angry and or disappointed with them. I have always been conscious of my influence on my children... even when I strongly disagree and or dislike something the ex-wife does, I don't discuss it in front of my children. I don't talk bad about her. My gripes are discussed privately with my husband. I think we must do a better job at protecting our children as what we say do and act have supreme influence.
When I think about it, I think I learned this from my mother. My birth father did not play an active role in my life, yet, she did not bad mouth him or make him out to be an enemy. She shared about him (hobbies, etc) and allowed me to form my own thoughts and perceptions about him. I get my dancing and singing from him, lol. I am thankful to my mother for that....for allowing me to develop my own thoughts and feelings based upon my experience and or lack of experience with him.
I think every parent who has children from a past relationship should realize the power and influence that they have on their children feeling's toward's their parents, be it biological and or step-parents. More specifically, even if you don't like them as a person, learn to separate your past relationship from the parenting relationship.....carrying over old stuff into your kid's relationship with their parents just ain't right....not to mention while your tainting the image of the parent...your also tainting the image your child.....
What are your thoughts on this?
Well said love.
ReplyDeleteSome of the sentences are scrambled but the point gets through. It's tough to get ppl to understand this b/c ppl never want to let go of the hurt or don't know how. But really who are we hurting!? Hold'n onto hurt or grudges only festers into diseases ie: stress, hypertension & cancer just to name a few. Not to mention, a cycle of hate that is sure to continue w/ the children. It's time to heal the hurt, acknowledge it & deal with it so we can begin to heal. This how we become, a better person, family & community. Good read & keep up the good word.
ReplyDeletethanks for taking the time to read
DeleteWow, it's truly sad that hatred in any form, be it past relationships, color, religious, etc is being taught to children. My sons father was not interested in caring for our child but I never bad mouthed him. I continued to encourage him to be involved and his financial obligation was kept separate. He was never told he could not see his child because he wasn't paying child support. I knew the pain of my father not being around and I did everything I could to keep my child from that experience. My efforts were unsuccessful but it was not for the lack of trying. Green Tea Love your step kids with all your heart because that will always conquer all.
ReplyDeletethats awesome that you did that...i'm believing that more parents will be as mature as you...:)
ReplyDeleteGreat post, Tea. My parents are still married, however, my mother is one of six and four of those siblings have children from prior relationships/marriages. I grew up seeing ex-wives and "baby's mothers" (sometimes with their new spouses or boos) at family functions and holiday dinners. Once I "grew up" and saw the amount of dysfunction that often comes along with divorce, re-mariage or simply one parent moving on I was surprised. It was completely outside of the norm. I asked one of my Aunt's why they didn't function the way I was beginning to see people outside of the family function. She simply said "We are adults".
ReplyDeleteI guess it takes a great deal of maturity, self love, maturity and selflessness to not use your children as pawns and embrace the process of healing and moving forward. I will say that mother's siblings all started rather early. Marrying and having children in their late teens, divorcing or breaking up in their early twenties. I was raised to call both ex and "new wife/husband" Aunt and Uncle. That may contribute to their not being as much drama... I don't know. It may also be a generational thing.
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ReplyDeleteSorry..the age that the couples were during the relationship and break-up may have contributed to the lack of drama.
ReplyDelete