How to get your husband's golden balls?!

     It was close to the store's closing when I ran to the mall to get my infamous Boston baked beans (I.e. The candy).  In mid stride my husband told me to get him some of those gold balls, aka ferrero rocher. I made sure I got them. Later on, during the course of our date night, he told me that those gold balls were his favorite.  I didn't know that so I tucked this new found knowledge in my lover's memory bank. When used correctly, it's little information like this that can be a silver lining in my boos's day. 

      One of my goal's in life is to learn everything I can about my husband. I always imagine myself being on a game show in which I'm quizzed on my husband's likes and dislikes and I answer the questions correctly. I'm a student who studies my husband.... as I not only want to rock his world in the bedroom but I want to rock all areas of his life. I think when you're married, you should always be in learning mode, that way you aren't wasting precious time and energy. Like I remember when I found out that my husband didn't like cards, that was his last card. No need on buying things he doesn't like because I like cards. I have purposed to love and appreciate him in his love language and he does the same.

     The other day we were in the mall and I just had to get some more of those Boston baked beans. My husband made his way to the car and waited out front for me. When I got my Boston baked beans, I got him some gold balls too. When I got in the car he was like, I meant to tell you to get me some of those gold balls. I held up one. He was beaming and said, "see I knew you had me." When I know my boo's favorites, please believe i'mma pull the trigger every chance I get. I am a student:) in every area.

Suggestions to get to know your mate :

Ask them questions: what do you like/dislike ? What are your favorites?

What can I do better? Are there any things that I've done that you don't particularly care for?

Always be open to learn and to grow with your mate.

Information learned from your mate is always valuable when used correctly.

The night I Screwed My Husband's Brains Out ...

I feel relieved, refreshed, and relaxed. Last night, I tried to screw my husband's brains out all because he tricked me. He told me that if I gave him some yum yum, he'd take off from work the next day. Now, for some people, their husband taking off from work isn't a big deal, but for me it's everything. I get to spend time with my hubby and I can get some time to myself ( catch up on sleep, while he tends to beanie). 

Anyways, I put my back into it lol.... And what I realized is this.... Sometimes I don't realize how much I need sex. I don't know if it's a woman thing ...but I just don't realize it. Sometimes I'm so tired from doing everything else that sex is not given the full attention that it should. Those times when I'm irritable or just walkin around uptight...I just need to pause, stop trippin, and go for a ride  and drop it like its hot! Lol! Eureka! Women need sex just as much as men do.

The physical contact, the stress release...it's so carthartic. I need the release just as much as my hubby. The deep sleep... Lawd! Knocked a sista all the way out..... "Way up, I feel blessed " (Big Sean reference). But seriously, I'm writing this to let the married women know that sometimes it's not the stress of having a huge family that is leading to your mood...it's because you haven't had that release....that good ole orgasm! We need it and it makes a world of a difference. Here's my suggestions/notes:

Will you feel like having sex all the time and on the spot like your hubby can ?! ---No, not all the time... But be familiar with your supports (things you use to get you in the mood)....music, candles, scented lubricant, toys, role play, etc

Have sex even when you don't feel like it! -The high afterwards is worth it:) and its a perfect stress reliever!

Note how you feel after you're done.

Don't be in a rush to get up afterwards:) stay there in each other's arms. Research shows that post-sex affection leads to a more satisfied sex life and a more satisfied relationship in general.

Oh  and about my hubby and his trick...That,day-off, he promised...what I forgot was that he had already submitted Monday as a day off.....and of course I didn't realize that until later.... Until after I had screwed his brains out. Lol! 

How To Make Birthdays Special in Blended Families

Birthdays come and go. Me, I just recently had a birthday. I'm 35. Yup 35 with 6 kids. Woo sah! Lol! But enough about my birthday (which was awesome) lets talk about birthdays in a blended family.

Birthdays in a blended family are different and special. The reality is that when there are court orders and visitation  schedules, celebrating your child's actual  birthday on their birthday doesn't happen as often as you'd like. There have been consecutive years where we haven't had our kids on their actual birthdays, but it has never stopped the party. When we were newly married, we decided that not having our children on their b-day would not be a source of contention or negativity... And we stuck to it. We don't dwell on not having them in our physical custody on their birthday; it's not a big deal. What 's a big deal is that they're celebrated :) So we celebrate their birthday normally before their birthdate or right after if we don't have them on their actual b day.  We made a family tradition out of it. We have our festivities and then we conclude it with a family dinner in which we go around the table and each person says why they're thankful for the  b day person. I didn't really realize how much they were looking forward to it, until we went out for my birthday. They were like, dad don't forget, we got to do that thing! Lol!  That thing.. aka saying why they're thankful for the honoree (and of course they love the celebratory dinners cuz it's a night to eat out)! The kids reminding us of our family tradition highlighted how,we,as parents, influence our children's perceptions. We, the parentals, set the mood and the tone and normally the kids will adjust to however you set the tone (be it negative/positive). It was was weird when we first started it in 2011, but now they know what to expect and even look forward to it.

So here's a couple of suggestions to make a blended family birthday special:

1. Don't focus on the other parent (they had them x amount of years on their birthday it's my turn..blah blah blah)

-- Remember Birthdays are about the child. They shouldn't feel like they're in the middle.

2. Create your own ritual/tradition that you do every year. 

3. Decide to celebrate before or after and let them know.

6. Make a big deal and let them know that you're thankful that they've lived another year!

Here's a pic from a bday last year ... No sad faces in the building! Lol

Death Sucks! Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

Death sucks! Lately, I've heard of so many stories of sudden or tragic deaths. I hate it. I feel so powerless and I'm always wishing there was something I could do to change the outcome. Sadly, I can't.  

I wish I could've changed the news about a married couple I'd worked with just last summer. I was told that the husband died in his sleep. I was shocked! I think I'd finished up this married couples' interview in July 2014 and he died in December 2014.  Man, that messed me up. I didn't have a close relationship with him or anything, but I grieved for his wife. When doing their couple's interview, I felt the connection that they had for one another and to hear that their union was cut short really hurt me and shook me up.

I thought about my husbands mortality. How I don't want to lose him and how much I value him. I value our time together and I told him so.

Not too long after I shared with my hubby how much I value him, we had a tift about something. I don't even remember what it was about, but during that tift God reminded me that I said that I value my husband and our time together. So, why waste time?

If something were to happen would you be satisfied with this being the last moment with your hubby? Now, I know nothing is going to happen to us but this question shifted my perspective. Instead of holding on to the anger and the check out phase (intentionally ignoring with the poked out lip lol), it caused me to want to bounce back more quickly after a tift.  I no longer wanted to waste that time or energy.... I can't get that time back.... And that negative energy steals golden moments.

Now, I'm not perfect ... But as I get older, how I spend my time and energy has become more important and so I try to remember these 3 things:

-Every moment with my framily counts.

-I purpose to have our last interaction be on a high note.... (A simple, I love you at the end or I appreciate you is a great add on for this)

-I let them know (although it may be random) via text, phone, gift, etc. that I value them. 

Let me reiterate, I'm not perfect.... I just want to capitalize on loving those in my life while they're here on this earth.

How to overcome those that hate you!

I wish I could say that being a mother in a blended family was as easy as pie, but I can't. In fact, it's been one of my biggest challenges. It's the challenge of doing everything you can for your children without the appreciation.... doing everything for your children, tho there's the lingering scent of hate and "you're not my mother," in the air (sometimes this is perpetuated via the biological parent.. But that's a whole nother topic).  Welp, that's how it was when I first married Tron, especially with the oldest girl.

I got the blues. I felt like I was being spit in the face... repeatedly. But, I kinda knew what I signed up for. Previously to being married, I had a dream about the kids and they said, "you're not my mother" and I replied, "I know. I'm not tryna be." So I kinda expected a little bit of friction but not to the extent that I experienced.

I can remember stuff with my eldest daughter where she would try to purposely sit in the back to avoid sitting next to me.  Other times she'd be the ring leader of her brothers to cause negativity and or strife in the room.  If I said left, best believe she was gonna say right.  I remember this one conversation where I gave her permission to hate me. I told her that no matter what she did she wouldn't be able to push me away from caring for her or expecting the best of her. I told her regardless of how she felt, I would stay the same and continue to love her. And I did. It wasn't easy.... But it got easier.

I communicated with her when she hurt me. I made sure she knew that I had feelings too. I cried to my husband and to my sisters when it got really difficult. But most of all, I prayed, journaled, and continue to speak life and do activities with her and the family.  I think that's the secret to overcoming those who hate you... To literally love the hell out of them lol! I believe that love transforms ... Which brings me to now.

My daughter and I recently took a trip together to New York... Yup the same one who didn't want to be alone with me. We had a great time. It was so awesome to see and eat the fruit of my prayers. I think the fruit manifested because I didn't allow how she treated me to take root in my heart. I didn't allow how I was being treated to affect or corrupt how I cared for her. I am her bonus mom. I'm not perfect and I have learned throughout this process. I know how to overcome those that hate you:

1. Love the hell out of them. Kill them with kindness and the love of God.

2. Pray the word of God over your situation. Ask for guidance.

3. Speak your dream, not what you're experiencing 

4. Commit & continue regardless of how it seems.

When Being "You" Isn't Good Enough!

It's about 4 am in the morning and I just finished pumping breast milk and writing a brief letter to my 12 year old daughter. I'm a first time mother of a 12 year old much like I'm a first time mother of  two 11 year olds (1 being autisic), 14, 18, and a soon to be 8 month old. A lot of firsts and tho it pains me to say this, I don't always make the right decisions all the time. I know that's hard to believe (LOL), but It just doesn't happen that way.  As I become a better mother day by day, I find that "what is right" is often at war with my vulnerability.  The battle between being the parent and being transparent and open enough for my children to mature into authentic feeling human beings is real.

Internal Conflict. Growing Pains.

Especially when being transparent means   to admit your mistakes and or your areas of growth & improvement and ignore the hierarchy or power struggle inherent in parent child relationships. All of that while growing and maturing personally. Yup. Work. 

Which brings me to the brief letter I wrote to my 12 year old daughter. It started with these words, "I love you and I'm thinking about you."   Something simple yet complex at the same time. Vulnerability walking on the tightrope of parenthood. An area in which i'm continuously pulling back the onion as I realize that in order to give my children what they need, it means to put,"how i am," as a person to the side. 

The way I've been for almost 35 years is enough for my survival and serves me well, yet my style of survival is not enough to meet the needs of my child. So, I'm doing the work to shift and morph to become what my child needs.  A person who dotes on her, makes her the center of attention, crafts with her, etc.  It's not east to be stretched in this capacity. It's downright uncomfortable and sometimes I feel like a traitor to my core. I'm the person who doesn't like people invading her space or clingyness/needy folks but I must become the one who enjoys her space to be invaded for the sake of the health and development of my beautiful 12 year old child.

I'm vulnerable and outside of my comfort zone...but I'm willing and so starts the beginning of my letter to my daughter, 

"I love you and I'm thinking about you."

  

Married with kids: how not to let children stop your fun!

One of my biggest fears about being married with children, was that they'd disrupt my flow and all the plans I had for my life. I' m known for being a free spirit and I love being free. I thought, oh Lord, with all these kids I'm not going to be able to do what I wanna do. Almost 4 years in, I have a bit more insight. Having children has the power to change things for sure, but the extent of how much it changes things depends on you. 

     I remember when I first had Royal (my 8 month old), I was having the biggest pity party of my life. I felt unattractive, didn't want to have sex (didn't have anything to do with my hubby... Labor without meds is all i'mma say about that lol ) and I definitely didn't want to be stuck in the house with all these kids. I was like wait, this isn't how I'm supposed to be. I'm the adventurous one! I soon realized that having a child had not taken away my adventuring spirit, the box that I was putting myself in, was squelching my spirit. My husband further confirmed what I was thinking when in so many words he said, having children is a journey, meaning that we're constantly moving thru different phases.  Sometimes you may have a season where you have to spend more time in the house then you'd like, but it's a season not a forever climate. So I decided to weather the season and prepare for the shift too. 

I remember the day, where I pulled out my calendar and was like ... I'm a spontaneous mother with 6 kids, let's get it! It was then I planned my first trip to surprise my hubby for Father's Day. I didn't know all of the details of who was going to babysit my kids all I knew was that everything was gonna work out. I surprised my hubby and we stayed in a tree house from Sunday to Tuesday. Boy, did we have a blast! I felt revived and alive. We made it happen! That experience taught me a couple of things:

1.  If, what I feel is important to me,then it is a matter of my will of whether it will happen.

2. Having children doesn't stop you, your will does.

3. Because things take more planning, doesn't mean I shouldn't do it.