How to get your husband's golden balls?!

     It was close to the store's closing when I ran to the mall to get my infamous Boston baked beans (I.e. The candy).  In mid stride my husband told me to get him some of those gold balls, aka ferrero rocher. I made sure I got them. Later on, during the course of our date night, he told me that those gold balls were his favorite.  I didn't know that so I tucked this new found knowledge in my lover's memory bank. When used correctly, it's little information like this that can be a silver lining in my boos's day. 

      One of my goal's in life is to learn everything I can about my husband. I always imagine myself being on a game show in which I'm quizzed on my husband's likes and dislikes and I answer the questions correctly. I'm a student who studies my husband.... as I not only want to rock his world in the bedroom but I want to rock all areas of his life. I think when you're married, you should always be in learning mode, that way you aren't wasting precious time and energy. Like I remember when I found out that my husband didn't like cards, that was his last card. No need on buying things he doesn't like because I like cards. I have purposed to love and appreciate him in his love language and he does the same.

     The other day we were in the mall and I just had to get some more of those Boston baked beans. My husband made his way to the car and waited out front for me. When I got my Boston baked beans, I got him some gold balls too. When I got in the car he was like, I meant to tell you to get me some of those gold balls. I held up one. He was beaming and said, "see I knew you had me." When I know my boo's favorites, please believe i'mma pull the trigger every chance I get. I am a student:) in every area.

Suggestions to get to know your mate :

Ask them questions: what do you like/dislike ? What are your favorites?

What can I do better? Are there any things that I've done that you don't particularly care for?

Always be open to learn and to grow with your mate.

Information learned from your mate is always valuable when used correctly.

The night I Screwed My Husband's Brains Out ...

I feel relieved, refreshed, and relaxed. Last night, I tried to screw my husband's brains out all because he tricked me. He told me that if I gave him some yum yum, he'd take off from work the next day. Now, for some people, their husband taking off from work isn't a big deal, but for me it's everything. I get to spend time with my hubby and I can get some time to myself ( catch up on sleep, while he tends to beanie). 

Anyways, I put my back into it lol.... And what I realized is this.... Sometimes I don't realize how much I need sex. I don't know if it's a woman thing ...but I just don't realize it. Sometimes I'm so tired from doing everything else that sex is not given the full attention that it should. Those times when I'm irritable or just walkin around uptight...I just need to pause, stop trippin, and go for a ride  and drop it like its hot! Lol! Eureka! Women need sex just as much as men do.

The physical contact, the stress release...it's so carthartic. I need the release just as much as my hubby. The deep sleep... Lawd! Knocked a sista all the way out..... "Way up, I feel blessed " (Big Sean reference). But seriously, I'm writing this to let the married women know that sometimes it's not the stress of having a huge family that is leading to your mood...it's because you haven't had that release....that good ole orgasm! We need it and it makes a world of a difference. Here's my suggestions/notes:

Will you feel like having sex all the time and on the spot like your hubby can ?! ---No, not all the time... But be familiar with your supports (things you use to get you in the mood)....music, candles, scented lubricant, toys, role play, etc

Have sex even when you don't feel like it! -The high afterwards is worth it:) and its a perfect stress reliever!

Note how you feel after you're done.

Don't be in a rush to get up afterwards:) stay there in each other's arms. Research shows that post-sex affection leads to a more satisfied sex life and a more satisfied relationship in general.

Oh  and about my hubby and his trick...That,day-off, he promised...what I forgot was that he had already submitted Monday as a day off.....and of course I didn't realize that until later.... Until after I had screwed his brains out. Lol! 

How To Make Birthdays Special in Blended Families

Birthdays come and go. Me, I just recently had a birthday. I'm 35. Yup 35 with 6 kids. Woo sah! Lol! But enough about my birthday (which was awesome) lets talk about birthdays in a blended family.

Birthdays in a blended family are different and special. The reality is that when there are court orders and visitation  schedules, celebrating your child's actual  birthday on their birthday doesn't happen as often as you'd like. There have been consecutive years where we haven't had our kids on their actual birthdays, but it has never stopped the party. When we were newly married, we decided that not having our children on their b-day would not be a source of contention or negativity... And we stuck to it. We don't dwell on not having them in our physical custody on their birthday; it's not a big deal. What 's a big deal is that they're celebrated :) So we celebrate their birthday normally before their birthdate or right after if we don't have them on their actual b day.  We made a family tradition out of it. We have our festivities and then we conclude it with a family dinner in which we go around the table and each person says why they're thankful for the  b day person. I didn't really realize how much they were looking forward to it, until we went out for my birthday. They were like, dad don't forget, we got to do that thing! Lol!  That thing.. aka saying why they're thankful for the honoree (and of course they love the celebratory dinners cuz it's a night to eat out)! The kids reminding us of our family tradition highlighted how,we,as parents, influence our children's perceptions. We, the parentals, set the mood and the tone and normally the kids will adjust to however you set the tone (be it negative/positive). It was was weird when we first started it in 2011, but now they know what to expect and even look forward to it.

So here's a couple of suggestions to make a blended family birthday special:

1. Don't focus on the other parent (they had them x amount of years on their birthday it's my turn..blah blah blah)

-- Remember Birthdays are about the child. They shouldn't feel like they're in the middle.

2. Create your own ritual/tradition that you do every year. 

3. Decide to celebrate before or after and let them know.

6. Make a big deal and let them know that you're thankful that they've lived another year!

Here's a pic from a bday last year ... No sad faces in the building! Lol

Death Sucks! Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

Death sucks! Lately, I've heard of so many stories of sudden or tragic deaths. I hate it. I feel so powerless and I'm always wishing there was something I could do to change the outcome. Sadly, I can't.  

I wish I could've changed the news about a married couple I'd worked with just last summer. I was told that the husband died in his sleep. I was shocked! I think I'd finished up this married couples' interview in July 2014 and he died in December 2014.  Man, that messed me up. I didn't have a close relationship with him or anything, but I grieved for his wife. When doing their couple's interview, I felt the connection that they had for one another and to hear that their union was cut short really hurt me and shook me up.

I thought about my husbands mortality. How I don't want to lose him and how much I value him. I value our time together and I told him so.

Not too long after I shared with my hubby how much I value him, we had a tift about something. I don't even remember what it was about, but during that tift God reminded me that I said that I value my husband and our time together. So, why waste time?

If something were to happen would you be satisfied with this being the last moment with your hubby? Now, I know nothing is going to happen to us but this question shifted my perspective. Instead of holding on to the anger and the check out phase (intentionally ignoring with the poked out lip lol), it caused me to want to bounce back more quickly after a tift.  I no longer wanted to waste that time or energy.... I can't get that time back.... And that negative energy steals golden moments.

Now, I'm not perfect ... But as I get older, how I spend my time and energy has become more important and so I try to remember these 3 things:

-Every moment with my framily counts.

-I purpose to have our last interaction be on a high note.... (A simple, I love you at the end or I appreciate you is a great add on for this)

-I let them know (although it may be random) via text, phone, gift, etc. that I value them. 

Let me reiterate, I'm not perfect.... I just want to capitalize on loving those in my life while they're here on this earth.

How to overcome those that hate you!

I wish I could say that being a mother in a blended family was as easy as pie, but I can't. In fact, it's been one of my biggest challenges. It's the challenge of doing everything you can for your children without the appreciation.... doing everything for your children, tho there's the lingering scent of hate and "you're not my mother," in the air (sometimes this is perpetuated via the biological parent.. But that's a whole nother topic).  Welp, that's how it was when I first married Tron, especially with the oldest girl.

I got the blues. I felt like I was being spit in the face... repeatedly. But, I kinda knew what I signed up for. Previously to being married, I had a dream about the kids and they said, "you're not my mother" and I replied, "I know. I'm not tryna be." So I kinda expected a little bit of friction but not to the extent that I experienced.

I can remember stuff with my eldest daughter where she would try to purposely sit in the back to avoid sitting next to me.  Other times she'd be the ring leader of her brothers to cause negativity and or strife in the room.  If I said left, best believe she was gonna say right.  I remember this one conversation where I gave her permission to hate me. I told her that no matter what she did she wouldn't be able to push me away from caring for her or expecting the best of her. I told her regardless of how she felt, I would stay the same and continue to love her. And I did. It wasn't easy.... But it got easier.

I communicated with her when she hurt me. I made sure she knew that I had feelings too. I cried to my husband and to my sisters when it got really difficult. But most of all, I prayed, journaled, and continue to speak life and do activities with her and the family.  I think that's the secret to overcoming those who hate you... To literally love the hell out of them lol! I believe that love transforms ... Which brings me to now.

My daughter and I recently took a trip together to New York... Yup the same one who didn't want to be alone with me. We had a great time. It was so awesome to see and eat the fruit of my prayers. I think the fruit manifested because I didn't allow how she treated me to take root in my heart. I didn't allow how I was being treated to affect or corrupt how I cared for her. I am her bonus mom. I'm not perfect and I have learned throughout this process. I know how to overcome those that hate you:

1. Love the hell out of them. Kill them with kindness and the love of God.

2. Pray the word of God over your situation. Ask for guidance.

3. Speak your dream, not what you're experiencing 

4. Commit & continue regardless of how it seems.

When Being "You" Isn't Good Enough!

It's about 4 am in the morning and I just finished pumping breast milk and writing a brief letter to my 12 year old daughter. I'm a first time mother of a 12 year old much like I'm a first time mother of  two 11 year olds (1 being autisic), 14, 18, and a soon to be 8 month old. A lot of firsts and tho it pains me to say this, I don't always make the right decisions all the time. I know that's hard to believe (LOL), but It just doesn't happen that way.  As I become a better mother day by day, I find that "what is right" is often at war with my vulnerability.  The battle between being the parent and being transparent and open enough for my children to mature into authentic feeling human beings is real.

Internal Conflict. Growing Pains.

Especially when being transparent means   to admit your mistakes and or your areas of growth & improvement and ignore the hierarchy or power struggle inherent in parent child relationships. All of that while growing and maturing personally. Yup. Work. 

Which brings me to the brief letter I wrote to my 12 year old daughter. It started with these words, "I love you and I'm thinking about you."   Something simple yet complex at the same time. Vulnerability walking on the tightrope of parenthood. An area in which i'm continuously pulling back the onion as I realize that in order to give my children what they need, it means to put,"how i am," as a person to the side. 

The way I've been for almost 35 years is enough for my survival and serves me well, yet my style of survival is not enough to meet the needs of my child. So, I'm doing the work to shift and morph to become what my child needs.  A person who dotes on her, makes her the center of attention, crafts with her, etc.  It's not east to be stretched in this capacity. It's downright uncomfortable and sometimes I feel like a traitor to my core. I'm the person who doesn't like people invading her space or clingyness/needy folks but I must become the one who enjoys her space to be invaded for the sake of the health and development of my beautiful 12 year old child.

I'm vulnerable and outside of my comfort zone...but I'm willing and so starts the beginning of my letter to my daughter, 

"I love you and I'm thinking about you."

  

Married with kids: how not to let children stop your fun!

One of my biggest fears about being married with children, was that they'd disrupt my flow and all the plans I had for my life. I' m known for being a free spirit and I love being free. I thought, oh Lord, with all these kids I'm not going to be able to do what I wanna do. Almost 4 years in, I have a bit more insight. Having children has the power to change things for sure, but the extent of how much it changes things depends on you. 

     I remember when I first had Royal (my 8 month old), I was having the biggest pity party of my life. I felt unattractive, didn't want to have sex (didn't have anything to do with my hubby... Labor without meds is all i'mma say about that lol ) and I definitely didn't want to be stuck in the house with all these kids. I was like wait, this isn't how I'm supposed to be. I'm the adventurous one! I soon realized that having a child had not taken away my adventuring spirit, the box that I was putting myself in, was squelching my spirit. My husband further confirmed what I was thinking when in so many words he said, having children is a journey, meaning that we're constantly moving thru different phases.  Sometimes you may have a season where you have to spend more time in the house then you'd like, but it's a season not a forever climate. So I decided to weather the season and prepare for the shift too. 

I remember the day, where I pulled out my calendar and was like ... I'm a spontaneous mother with 6 kids, let's get it! It was then I planned my first trip to surprise my hubby for Father's Day. I didn't know all of the details of who was going to babysit my kids all I knew was that everything was gonna work out. I surprised my hubby and we stayed in a tree house from Sunday to Tuesday. Boy, did we have a blast! I felt revived and alive. We made it happen! That experience taught me a couple of things:

1.  If, what I feel is important to me,then it is a matter of my will of whether it will happen.

2. Having children doesn't stop you, your will does.

3. Because things take more planning, doesn't mean I shouldn't do it.

The "Terrible Awful" Thing

Panic. On the verge of tears. Panic. News reels. Nervous biting of the lip. Pacing. Circling the car. Will I be arrested? Will people understand what happened? How could you be so stupid?  These thoughts bombarded my mind in the blink of an eye. I found myself being one of "them" (i.e. one of those parents who did the "terrible awful," ---locked their child in the car). 

I remember pulling the door handle and it not giving. My 12 passenger truck was locked.  Words can't truly describe the sinking feeling of having locked my baby in the truck.The feelings of desperation  and helplessness. My baby crying. Me going from side to side frantically peering thru the windows trying to command my mind to think rationally and not be overwhelmed with my emotions. I called my husband and tho I was totally freaked out, he was cool. His voice was calm, but then came the question, "so how did this happen?"  In that quick instant, I studdered as those negative thoughts were firing like a semi automatic weapon. Thoughts: how could you be so stupid ... What kind of mother are you...you're gonna scar her for life..you don't deserve to be her mother. All of this going on in my brain while trying to keep my composure and answer the question. I answered, "it happened because I accidently stepped on the keychain (the lock) while  putting her and the stroller in the truck and then I reached over, started the truck , turned the air on, hopped out of the truck, and proceeded to get in the drivers seat.

My heart stopped. Time stopped when I pulled the door and gained no entry. My husband called the police while I fought against my emotions and did my best to stay calm. I called my girlfriend and she was in route to drive to my house to get my spare keys. The police arrive. I'm pacing around the car doing my best to not burst into tears. The police officer's silver thing to jimmy the lock didn't work, but he provided these words. "Look at the bright side. It could be worse." 

-Yes you locked her in the car, but at least you had the air on.

-You have a friend  who lives nearby and is on the way with a set of spare keys.

-Don't add any extra toppings to the beating you've already given yourself.

-She's okay and you're ok.

Wow. Shift. The situation was still the same but I could see the silver lining. Yes, I made a mistake, but things could be worse. I didn't have to accept the negative thoughts. I didn't have to add extra toppings to this guilt sundae. It's a choice to take on the negativity. It's a choice to continue to beat yourself up about your mistakes. Then as if right on cue, my giggly girlfriend and her corale of children came and delivered my spare keys. Not only was their arrival a breath of fresh air but their very countenance was medicine to my soul. I saw smiles and heard laughter, a reminder of how quickly a moment can shift from desperation to happiness. I got in the car & cried tears of joy and acceptance that I made & survived the terrible awful mistake. I thought when I entered the truck I would rush to my baby's side, like  she would woo sah that mommy arrived. She was sleep. I let her sleep. She didn't have a clue what was going on... This slumber was her normal nap time.. Her cry earlier was her normal pre-sleep cry... 

I'll never forget the terrible awful mistake, nor will I be adding extra toppings to a guilt sundae. We're Good.

A million kids, a million things to do, but still on time !

I'm married to an on time husband. In fact, he's the guy who likes to be on time for everything ... including cookouts and house parties. I often have to beg him to be a lil late for the house parties. How many times we've been the first people at an event (hate that), I dare not count. So he's the punctual one... me on the other hand, not so much. In my mind, I'm punctual and I always have  high hopes to get out the house on time. For some reason, instead of going with my original game plan, I end up adding all these random non-essential tasks. I know I'm not the only one. I have no idea why i do it... but the end result is that I'm rushing,frustrated, and tense... But at least i got quite a bit done tho right?! Lol. Nope, because I end up forgetting the real stuff I was supposed to do. Welp, recently I had a training to attend and I had to be there early in the morning, 9 am (9 am during rush hour is no joke when you're driving from the sticks to the city).  So in my calendar, the training started at 9 am and I was rushing again. My anxiety was thru the roof as I had to get the baby ready along with her bottles etc., since hubby would have her all day (not to mention making sure I had all my travel breast pumping supplies). Sigh. I made it out the house, tho not at the time I wanted. I was stressed. I made it  to training with like a minute or two to spare only to realize that the training didn't start until 9:30 am. Woo hoo! Fist Pump! I had 30 mins to spare! At that moment, I took in how I was feeling. Relieved. Free. At peace. It felt good not rushing up until the minute. I even chilled out and pumped some milk in the car lol and did a periscope (I do pumptalk sessions: convos while pumping breast milk... Follow me @greenteasoul). I wrote in my little thoughts and idea pad, "when you have to be somewhere, plan 45 minutes to 1 hr ahead, you feel better when you're not rushing." I'm thinking that's the key to being on time when you a have a million kids and a million things to do, planning ahead. I've been applying this little trick me method and I've been on time and less stressed 3 times consecutively. I also remembered that this trick me method was something I used in grad school for my papers and assignments. If an assignment was due, I'd set an earlier due date:) My thinking back then was that I would have ample time just in case some last minute emergency came up. Now that I have all these kids ... It seems like something always comes up.  Like when I had just finished dressing Lollie ( my 7 month old) and she had a huge banana throw up explosion) ... Eew! But we still made it out the house in time wee hee! So I'm dusting off this trick me method, because it works for me. It's all about findiing what works for you. What are your tricks to being punctual?! 

Do You Really Have to Grow Up?!

I'm tired. As I sit here and rest my eyes in between thoughts, I peer over at my little one. I have a 7 month old child who came from my womb.  Wow. I'm still amazed at her existence. Her little body...well, her getting thick, little body. lol. It's amazing. My amazement is due in part because she is a verbal & spirtual prayer that has manifested.  I'm so glad that I documented each phase. I wrote poems about her back in 2002. I have clothing that I purchased from garage sells when I was in faith for a child

that she now wears (peep the bathing suit tacked on the wall).  I have vision boards and all that. It's utterly amazing.  I knew the day would come, but it just doesn't compare to the reality that I am living.  Now I find myself just trying to hold on to every moment that I can. I guess that's why I'm writing this as a way to come to terms that my baby is steadily developing and growing.  It seems like only yesterday I was pregnant, and now we're slowly headed towards celebrating a 1 yr old.  Time is moving too fast and I don't know what to do with time and it's continual progress. What do you do when your dream and or vision starts to grow up. What do you do when you know you're trying to hold on, when you should be letting go and transitioning/welcoming the next phase. So I'm here. Sitting and watching her sleep. Holding on to these moments and working at transitioning to the next phase. I'm wondering if this "holding on" is representative of other areas in my life where I need to transition certain things and let go.

How to Have 6 Children in 3 Years!

Some say that having children is easy and in our case it certainly seems that way. Over the course of 3 years we've had a family spurt and have had 6 children in 3 years.  So I've  gone from being a single woman with a cat to being married with 3 children (2011), to being married with 3 children and 2 cousins (who we adopted) (2013), to finally, being married with 6 children (the addition of my 1st biological child in 2014). Our house, as it stands, is like the modern day Brady bunch aka the Mason Herd or Mason bunch (2 parents, 6 children, 2 cats, and 1 dog). Lawd, a Mercy!!

So forgive me, if it's almost been a year since my last blog post. The last time I posted, I had just found out that I was pregnant. Now, my little one is 7 months old today! Wowzers, time sure does fly and I'm doing my best to keep up.   While I was on vacation, I started thinking about how I got to this point.  My family and I just returned from vacation this morning as a matter of fact. During our travels, I did a lot of thinking and I resolved that I needed to return to writing. Well I thought about a lot of other things too....you, too, would do a lot of thinking if you had a master vacation planned by the master planner of vacations, my husband.

Let me just hit you with our itinerary real quick: (auto train to Florida), Florida resort (Sat.-Tues), Disney World (Wed.) Disney Camp Ground (Tues- Sat.), Rubyhouse Ranch (Sat-Sun)....this is 8 people including traveling with  a new born (and I'm still breastfeeding). Side bar: i love my husband...but geez,I's tired. Needless to say, all that thinking led me back to writing about my experiences,  those lessons learned and unlearned. But before I returned, I thought it best that I make these rules (I just had to make some boundaries for this thing as I have a compulsive/perfectionist component to my personality lol):
-I will not  beat myself up, if I don't get to write a blog post....or its not "Deep" Life happens!  If I get to write one cool...if not, I say this as I am currently trying to win the battle  between me and my 7 month old as she is trying to steal my computer, Oh Well!

-I will continue to write, rather people click on the link or not.  My experiences are mine, and though insight can be gained from them...they are mine....it's okay if some things are relatable and some things aren't.

-I'm not perfect. The God inside of me is...however, I do not always follow his voice or his instructions immediately....so I make mistakes here and there lol...I am not perfect, but my heart is willing to learn, to fail, and to get back up again.

Welcome back to IAMNEWLYWED...the journey continues! Did you figure out how to have 6 children in 3 years?!

How I Became Pregnant!

Wowzers, the last time I blogged was in April.... 3 months ago....and in 3 months so much has changed. I guess the biggest change is that we're adding a +1 to our family....the never ending Cosby Show.  So we're going from a family of 7 to  8.  Now that I think about it, the last time I blogged, I was pregnant then and didn't even know it. 

Ha! I'm 4 months and some change. Since the realization of the positive plus sign, I'm reading books on babies, preparing my mind for the life changes,  still working out and teaching exercise classes, trying to control the incredible hulk (that wants to come out especially when denied certain foods),  preparing the kids for the change that is to come, etc.  All that and then some.

Things have been going so fast,  that I just wanted to take a moment and truly reflect on how we arrived here...ha ha besides the obvious deed that had to be done  lol!

As you all know, I got married November 2011...and it's always been my dream to birth children. I mean I have pictures and vision boards with pregnant ladies with my head stuck on them etc, all that. I seem to always start with a vision board or some type of physical representation to visualize what it is that I want.  Verbalize. Visualize, Materialize. ....though I think I actually visualize first, verbalize, then it materializes lol.

So when I got married, I knew from the jump that I did not want to have children right away, and that I wanted to be married for 2 years before adding a baby into the picture.  I was already marrying into an instant family so I wanted to adjust to having children and being married....def didn't want to do all things at one time. Though I knew I wasn't planning on having children in that first year it didn't stop me from buying my first onesie:) that I kept on a night shade in my room for 2 1/2 years:) I firmly believe in the principle that faith is acting on what you believe.

I continued to do stuff like this throughout the years.  Throughout the summer, I would attend garage sales as well.  I've always loved garage sales and so when I would see stuff that increased my vision, I would pick it up.  Last fall,  I got several cute unisex, practically new onesies, and day outfits for my baby. It only cost me a $1 or two to increase my vision. Ooh and I saw this cute bathing suit that I just couldn't resist. I set this bag right under the lampshade in my room.

Now when my husband and I decided to actually put forth the effort to make a baby and take other steps (like getting van in advance)  to accommodate the growth and even adding stickers of the new baby to the van....something unexpected happened (See post :2 yrs in and angry with God! *Shakes fist*). I wont' go into entire ordeal, but lets just say that the van that I got for my future baby was already filled to capacity....but not with children from my womb.

 So yes, I had my moments compounded with the act of trying to making a baby...compounded with the prior history of having a miscarriage in my early 20s (those instances try to wreak havoc in your mind)....and lastly not even realizing the science behind the timing, etc...def a bit more complicated then I thought. It was so frustrating. I mean the mere sight of my menses would send me into tears. I felt like a failure every time I saw my menses. I can remember crying to my husband feeling like I let him down.  The hardest part for me is that I could not control it.  I couldn't physically take his sperm and put it where I wanted and say Voila! I had to wait, be patient, and keep the faith.

Now during those times did i feel down....yes...oh but when you have a great mate and friends who speak life and not death to your situation. It really makes a difference. My husband always encouraged me...he would say things like, "You wait until little Psalm comes on the scene." He would hold me as I cried, yet he still spoke life. My friends would encourage me  (thank God for my sisters support and circle) and then God would stick his foot in my butt and direct back to my words and my vision. One of my friends encouraged me to do a pregnancy vision board....and on the back I put scriptures that spoke to me. I hung this on the lamp shade. During the  times I became discouraged, I went back to this.

There also came a point where, I stopped obsessing and trying to control the process and just let it go. And alas, here we are:). I am pregnant!....and it's not just because we followed the scientific process...but I believe it's because we acted on our faith and what we believed...that in a nutshell is how I got pregnant!

How to use Memories from your relationships to your advantage!

 I can say that the past week has been like a roller coaster....so much so that last week slipped without me writing my weekly IAMNEWLYWED post....so here it goes. Forgive me. It's late, but it's here.

Throughout the chaos of dealing with my children and their attitudes and repeating myself over and over, I found that during my drives to and from teaching exercise classes, I would break into little giggles. I found myself smiling here and there.

Memories. 

I began smiling and laughing at the memories my husband and I created before we were married and during our first years of marriage. In the chaos, I used my mind to time travel and remember the joys in our union....in getting to know one another. Instead of continuously focusing on the kids and what they were and or were not during....I switched gears.

-Riding a bike over the San Franisco Golden Gate Bridge....a tour that was supposed to take 1 hr took 3 hrs.... then we attended a play later that evening...I couldn't even walk because of the bike ride (pre-inshape days lol).

-Taking a flight to Las Vegas  a day early (in the wee hours in the morn) because it saved money...not realizing how tired we'd be...we  ordered wings and sat and played scrabble at the bar lol. I think i fell asleep.

- Biking 24 miles and having lunch

-Going to see Prince in NJ and at the end we walked an hour in the cold because we couldn't find the car lol. It's funny now but it wasn't funny then.

-Doing Ziplines together...I almost didn't make it lol I was scared.....but my boo had my back!

Memories.

I could go on and on and on. I have realized that what we choose to focus on, expands. When I choose to focus on great memories, there was a reservoir of joy and happiness that overtook the frustration that I was feeling.

I keep my memories as they are silver linings for trying situations. I encourage you to use your memories and share them with your mate and  rehash them. Sometimes stuff gets difficult but its nothing like remembering the foundation and love that you have for one another.

Should You Consider Your In-laws BEFORE Choosing a Mate?!

Throughout my adult life, I've heard numerous stories about relationships and marriages being ruined because of either the person's parents and or other family members.  Because of this, one of the things that I took into high consideration as it concerns my selection of my mate, his family.

I remember writing on my "what I want in a mate list"  specifics about his relationship with his family.  Even when I dated people and were considering them as life partners, I analyzed their relationships with their families and how they functioned as a family. I remember I was dating this one guy and his family was hilarious, but they also got down as it concerned partying, alcohol, and marijuana. These are things that I don't particularly enjoy being around, nor did I want my future children to be around....but that's just me. Now, I'm not throwing any shade. I grew up around alcoholism and drugs, and  so it's priority for me to protect my family and not have them experience the same things I did.

 Now, when I was dating my husband, I went around his family a lot and he came around mine as well. I think its important during  the dating and courting period that both sides experience each others families, if you are considering them as a serious contender (now i don't advise you bring everyone home lol). I was there for major holidays, church, volunteering events, etc. I made sure I had enough data to make a wise choice. Now as a whole, I know I'm unique. I laugh loud,  have quirky ways, and love joking etc. It was important to me to just be myself and not put on the  "I'm around his parents" type air. I didn't want any surprises after the wedding like, I didn't know you were like that. lol.

Overall,  while we  were dating, I decided I really enjoyed being around his family and that I could deal with his family for the rest of my life (very important).  In fact, I looked forward to going over his parent's house and spending time with them. His mom and dad were  and are not overbearing parents and they respect their son's adulthood and decision making. We are able talk about different things and move on. I love his family, my family, because they considered me.   This is how I knew I was in the family before being in the family. I was there one Easter  (pre-marriage)and my hubby's aunt made some deviled eggs that had relish in them. I couldn't eat them because I'm allergic to cucumbers, etc. The next family dinner event, his aunt told me she had special eggs for me in the fridge, deviled eggs without the relish:) Wee hee! Something that simple was monumental! Now, you can't remove me from this family even if you tried.  Now married and in the family, we have had some disagreements, but we have always come full circle and I believe it's because of the foundation that was set prior to the marriage.

The foundation of really knowing your mate's parents and family is soooo important. When you explore current relationships most times it can give you some foresight of how it will be in the future. Don't ignore any signs and or minimize this issue. I believe that if his family was always in our mix or important business...probably wouldn't have lasted.....just unnecessary stress. Now, can your relationship make it with jacked up in-laws....yup...I'm just saying its a bit easier when they aren't jacked up lol.

Before we were married, we established the following principles.
WE  ( my husband and I )COME FIRST
WE  (my husband and I ) COME BEFORE OUR MOTHERS, FATHERS, SISTER, BROTHERS, etc
WE (my husband and I) MAY CONSIDER FAMILY, BUT WE HAVE THE FINAL RULE

I'm Dating a Married Man! #Gluttony

A month or so ago I purchased a married man some tickets to an event called, #Gluttony, that was hosted by a premiere supper club called Arcane.  He did not know what to expect and neither did I but we went and had a blast. The concept, the artistry, the food, the fashion, the people....just awesome. I even saw Mr. White from Breaking Bad in the building. Everything was seamed together perfectly and then there was the music.

The music gave me life.  I was so in love with the DJ's mixes and I was also in love with the way this married man was watching me on the dance floor. I was oblivious to another man that  was watching me as well. He later proceeded to dance with me while I was slow winding to a reggae song. I watched as the married man watched the guy try to dance with me and then I noticed that the married man had walked away.

Hmm...I came there with the married man. Nonetheless, I danced a little with the guy, but kept my distance as reggae can become intense. The guy eventually got the message and walked off.

Later on I saw the married guy again watching me and so I went up to him and danced with him. I was like where did you go...he went to go get more food. I thought he was gonna save me when I was dancing with the other guy but instead he laughed and told me he thought it was funny...after all, he knows me.

Yes, this married man knows me all too well. I am his wife. Most importantly, I am his wife and yet I am still dating him and exploring our relationship. Now, I don't think we've ever been in a situation like that before ...a guy tries to grind or whatever...nor have we ever talked about what we do in that situation... but the fact that he was at ease and said "I know you." had me beaming the entire night. It's nothing like your man being confident and secure in what he has in his woman.  So yeah, I'm dating a married man:) and I'm loving every minute of it.

Why People Lie In Relationships?!!

I hear several discussions about truths and lies in relationships. There are some that would rather have a skeleton of happiness (life based on a lie) then the reality of the truth.  I've never truly figured it out...why some are comfortable lying to their mate and then those who are comfortable  living  with the lies.

I started thinking about this last night as I was laying in bed with my husband. We had just finished watching an episode of Breaking Bad (yes we're behind lol) when this convo happens:

Husband: Babe your breath.
Me: What?
Husband: Man, that joint smells like...
Me: What? Like my mouth been shut too long (you know that stale smell)
Husband: Naw, like you been incubating a fart
Me: for real .

This conversation cracks me up, but it highlights something so simple and one of the things that I've always admired about my husband. He is not afraid to tell me the truth and I love that about our relationship. There have been many times when he has come from work and greeted me with a kiss and afterwards I'd say, "You've been eating onions." (I had to put that in there, lol, I ain't the only who has tart breath in this relationship at times. lol.)

Overall, we value honesty in the simplest of things so that when more challenging situations come, it's not a problem.

As I was writing this, I shared with my husband, "I don't understand why people don't feel comfortable telling the truth to the person they married."
His response to me was very enlightening. He said, "That's easy. People don't take the truth at face value. They don't focus on the truth, but instead focus on feelings. So instead of hearing the truth, they hear how a person hurt their feelings....or they don't say stuff because they don't want to hurt the other persons feelings."

After hearing his response,  I guess the comfort in being honest with my husband is because I know him telling me the truth or me telling him the truth, has no malicious intent. We don't seek to hurt each other. We love one another; therefore, we speak the truth in love. What are your thoughts on this?

Husband or Job (Career Expansion)?

There are some situations that you just don't see coming.....especially the one I experienced last week.  So here's the skinny. In pursuing one of my jobs as an independent consultant teaching zumba classes, I came across an opportunity that seemed as if it was perfect. It was a perfect location, would expand my business, and bring in major dough (i.e money). So, I thought, awesome. All along the way, I'd discuss my thoughts with my husband and get his take as I don't commit to stuff without his input or discussing it with him....especially when our decisions affect the household. We are a team and everyone needs to know what all team players are doing. It's like playing volley ball on the same team, and then you guys are both going for the ball, but both stop short thinking the other person is going to get it. I always hated when that happened. So that's why we communicate before we commit.

Getting back to the situation....so the deal was going somewhat well and then it came time to sign the contract. Now, instead of signing the contract in the office, I told the person that  I would be taking the contract home to also review it with my husband. When I tell you this guy, went off...he went off.  I guess it was his trigger, me discussing the contract over with, as he put it, a "third party."  A person once told me that your response in intense situations are locators of who you really are.  So during that situation I told him a couple of things.... 1.  My husband and I are a team. 2. I have every right to ponder over a legal document before signing it.  3. He doesn't have to agree with me I just ask he respect my family (talking about my husband "nit picky," etc. is offffffff limits).

Needless to say, although he forwarded me the contract that same evening after going off on me, I declined the contract. I realize that I truly value my family and my husband over a lucrative job offer. It's funny because I didn't realize it right then until my husband said, Wow you love me that much.  I think the moral of this story ...if there is one....sometimes it's not in the things that we say but it's in  the unexpected moments that our love is demonstrated to our loved ones.

Is Marriage More Important than Your Kids...

I was on facebook when I stumbled upon this conversation: do you serve your children or your spouse first. This question touched the tip of the ice-burg on such a sensitive subject: who comes first, your marriage or your children.... and there were mixed passionate views.
 
Now for me, being in a relationship and dating = children come first; however, when you're married your relationship comes first, and then the children. Now, I'm not saying that you neglect your children. I would never say that; after all,  I'm a social worker and I believe that every child's basic needs should be met. Food, shelter, clothing, etc....all that is a given. 

 After God, my husband and I  (our marriage) comes first for the benefit of our children. We view our relationship as the foundation for our family and it is important that our foundation is solid. If our relationship is weak and filled with contention and strife it will trickle down to our children. Thus, we do our due diligence to protect our relationship as we are aware that not knowing how to set boundaries with your children can be relationship killers.

In the beginning it was definitely a transition as prior to marriage, my husband was a single parent with three children and so he was used to putting them first. Then, he remarried and so a transition had to take place. Once marriage takes place, two people must learn to function as one.  In marriage it is no longer children first, marriage second, but it is marriage first, children second. Sometimes it can get tricky when you're a part of a blended family, as the third person involved may not share the same views or value the marriage union.  I think this has been one of the more challenging aspects of being in a blended family,  transitioning and emphasizing the roles and structure of the family dynamics. Marriage first, then the children. There are times when we have to consider the role of children participating in numerous activities and or how or if it will affect our relationship. We don't commit to activities for the children without discussing it, etc. We have to make the decisions that are best.

This sounds weird to some...but I married my husband and he married me. We did stand not stand at the alter marrying our children. Do we love our children? Yes! Do we strive to do everything we can for our children?Yes!  Do we want them to be happy:) yes!The caveat is that there are boundaries that we follow as it concerns our children and their happiness is not our priority....their happiness does not run our relationship.

"Get Permission" From your Spouse/Mate?!

 I'm a free spirit. I love exploring the things that  bring me joy and happiness. So depending on the day you may find me singing, baking, working out, crocheting,  reading, painting,  group discussions, etc....whatever... it's fun and it's my life.  This free spirit and liberty didn't truly materialize until I made it my mission to pursue joy and happiness after I resigned from my full time job as a social worker in 2010. At that time, I was dating my boyfriend (who is now my husband) when I came to that conclusion.

We talked about  me quitting my job. Now, we'd been dating for about 2 years and some change and  were already having conversations about marriage,  pre-marital counseling, etc. So hence,  I felt this was a conversation we should have if we were planning to spend the future together.  It went something like, hey I think I'm going to resign from my job, how would you feel about that.  He was cool with it. I quit my job.

Now, I wasn't just willy nilly about it. I was strategic in that even if I didn't get married for 5 years or even to my husband, I made sure that quitting my job was a choice that I could live with.  In other words, me first, him second.  I  made sure I could sustain my life and my needs without the help of my boyfriend (I paid  off every bill except for my house and car, I had a part time job, cut off anything that wasn't a necessity, and had savings, and continued to tithe). My income was not combined with my boyfriend. My decision wasn't based on a man, yet a discussion was had based upon our relationship.  There are nuggets that I've learned as a result of  my education as a social worker: Women are more likely to give up their dreams for a man more so than a man will for a woman.  So I purposed to not fall into that statistic.

I'm still self-employed and an independent contractor. I'm still a free spirit who has a lot of hobbies. There is a slight difference though.  In my premarital state, I asked by boyfriend what he thought and or included him in the discussion, but as a married woman, I ask for permission.  Permission...it almost sounds like a curse word lol!

Yup, this grown woman asks for permission from her mate and in turn he does the same as well. We consider each other. It's not about the person owning you and or having control over you, but it's more so about being on the same page. Consulting with the one you choose as your mate.  Maybe they see a different perspective that you don't see.  There are a lot of things that I may want to do at a particular time and I'll ask him and he may say go right ahead and other times he may say wait for a little bit (normally the wait a little bit, is not because he finds pleasure in denying me, but it has a greater purpose..maybe the timing isn't right)..and I wait.  I know that this hits the nerve for a lot of folk... like I'm grown I don't need their permission...then why get married? Do you, by yourself lol! Just serious!  But really permission is not bad especially when you know your mate wants nothing but the best for you..in fact, in my book, asking for permission=peace...permission=communication...permission=same page

I think we started considering each other before we were even married and it transitioned well into marriage, but with added importance. I don't know where we'd be without "Permission" in our marriage.

Don't Cross the Line In Marriage...

As a single woman, I had so many boundaries of do's and dont's. I had lists upon lists as to what line I would cross as well as the things that were forbidden. I remember when I first had the eureka moment that I could no longer spend the night over a male's house who was attracted to me....forget those attracted to me... plainly, I couldn't spend the night over a man's house who had a penis..lol. My spending night was solely for cuddling, whereas them having me over was to cuddle but to ultimately lead to the bedroom. Lessons learned. Needless to say, I created boundaries in my life for protection and safety.   I  also didn't date guys who were liberal with alcohol because I wasn't a drinker and it def wasn't sexy to me. I was already dealing with family who dealt with alcoholism, and so me choosing to date someone who had the same problem, just seemed like an additional headache. Sorry,  dealing with my family is enough.

So that's what I did. What I do. I create lines and boundaries for protection....for safety.  I look at past behaviors and patterns and create a framework for how I will handle you. It keeps me safe and then I know what to expect. I say that for the most part, the boundaries and lines that I created for myself did what they were supposed to do; they safe guarded me.

It's just this one thing........ummmmmmm....I'm married.

What I find now, is that some of the boundaries and lines that I've put up are no longer relevant. They don't apply, yet, some of the blocks are still up. It's funny how you don't realize you still have them up until your mate does something to try to penetrate the wall.

For example,  take the previous situation during my singlehood about cuddling = sex.  I still like to cuddle. JUST CUDDLE.  I love sex too, but I view the two separately. My hubby likes to cuddle too...but he likes to cuddle to HAVE SEX.  So when we were first married,  I was like, you just want to hold me to have sex. I didn't realize at that time but his holding me to have sex triggered my past feeling of feeling used (singlehood).  He would say, you don't want to have sex. So how do you figure out which cuddle times are just CUDDLE times (me) and  what times are CUDDLE + SEX times (him). LOL. I know right.

So in essence, I had to reconstruct some boundaries and allow myself to be completely vulnerable to the man I chose to be my husband for the rest of my life on this earth. I started this process by having conversations with him during times when we were just kicking it (i.e. chilling out). I don't think you want to have these conversations during tense situations...but that's just my thought.


And these conversations allowed the walls to come down. Now, some of these conversations are on-going, but the willingness to reconstruct the boundaries and the lines in your relationship is the key.

Overall, I think lines and boundaries should exist in all relationships; however, figuring out which
ones to keep, reconstruct, and eliminate is essential in your marriage.