5 Things Single Women Should Know Before Considering Marriage!

In the beginning of December, I had the awesome opportunity of attending a girlfriend's b-day brunch. I don't take for granted the times when I can celebrate my friends and get away from the kids for a quick sec. So while we were there, the b-day girl asked for the married women to share with her single friends about what they needed to know about marriage. You know after a certain age...us women be in wait...waiting for our knight in shining armor. I know before I was married...from about age 25-27, I went thru that phase. The conversation was awesome and it was a great effort to dispel the notion of gumdrops and lollipops and fairy tales that are associated with wedding and marriage.

 Now, the married women in attendance were diverse in nature: some were newlyweds, divorcees, some had children,  and some didn't. So there was a wealth of information and I love conversations like these. I feel women do not share as much as they should with other women and so a lot of mistakes are repeated instead of learning vicariously through another woman's experience. Anyways, I digress. SO from the conversation, I got this:

5 Things Single Women Should Know Before Considering Marriage 

1. Know yourself. 
It's amazing how many women do not spend time mastering who they are before entering relationships. I mean truly understanding yourself and being aware of your strengths as well as one's areas of improvement. Know what you like and dislike...and that only comes with spending time with yourself and God. When you truly know yourself, you will grasp what you will tolerate and or not tolerate....which will save you a lot of time...as you won't be easily swayed or tossed to and fro just to be captured by a man or keep the company of anyone.

2.  Explore Life
One of my friends, talked about enjoying her singleness. Exploring all the things that she could without having to worry about taking care of kids, a family, etc.  Traveling without the thought of arranging a babysitter and or being back by a certain time....yessss!! There is so much to do and conquer in this world and a lot of time is spent worrying about Boaz...instead of getting every drop of milk out of the stage that you're in.  What haven't you done yet. What's on your bucket list and why haven't you started it yet.  I think sometimes the demise of marriages are because people haven't learned to live apart form their mate and so they become resentful and blame their mate for all of  the responsibilities that are keeping them hostage.  So you gotta know how to live!! How to balance and live!

3. Communication
Alas, from the young to the old...how to communicate is key! More importantly how to communicate so that you're heard. Relationships, rather its with family or friends, end, begin, restart, and or crumble because of communication. Either its too much, too little, or none.  So analyzing, are you a good communicator and how do you communicate, is essential. Is what your communicating congruent with what people are understanding from your communication.  If you don't know how to communicate or need a lot of work in that area....umm hold off on marriage lol. Lawd...cuz your communicating all the time, rather you verbalize or don't speak. Communication isn't just so you can be married...its for a better life and better relationships with those you love, period.

4. Fantasy vs. Life--- It Ain't for the faint in heart
I remember I was dating this guy and he has one of the most logical brains ever. He dropped a nugget that I still cherish till this day. He would say, Americans have this fantasy way of thinking about love....bumblegum and lollipops. They tolerate stuff because of the fantasy of the happy ending, when the real question that should be asked is if this person never changed, could you tolerate it for the rest of your life. Say it again. If this person never changed, could you tolerate it for the rest of your life. Asking that question can be applied to so many areas in our lives and would save us so much grief and heartache, if we asked it of ourselves.

5. Priorities
I could go on an on with this list...but I'll stop here with balance and priorities.  Life is a balancing act. There are so many things competing for our attention, our time, and our money, but its whether we have the ability to discriminate between the significant and insignificant. Shoes or rent? Vegas or Skills course? Are you able to sift thru life and identify the essentials.  Put things in their proper place before adding on more? Are you able to sacrifice right now for the greater outcome later on?  Those are things that should be considered.

 If you want to add some more feel free..but this is what I got from chillin with my homies:)

Lessons learned at the DC GRAMMY Holiday Party!

    Yesterday, I had the opportunity to attend DC's Grammy holiday party. I had the honor of attending as one of my fellow artist's, Wendy McIntyre's, guest, as I let my membership lapse.  I wasn't as excited about the event, but I was looking forward to seeing my sister girl, Wendy Mc:)....and no matter how I was feeling,  I just had to keep my word. So I made dinner, made sure my fam was straight, and tried my best to get myself dolled up a bit.  The results were dismal...in the make-up department. I just couldn't get it going and it didn't help that my husband....gave me the side eye...and was  like uhhh that's not it.  So I just wiped most of  it off, put on bold lipstick, sighed, and was like forget it...take or  leave it, here I come.

    There I was, in the midst of all the music heads...and it was then I was reminded why I really don't like big groups of people like this.  First, I'm not the best at networking as I like natural connections.  I feel like everyone is trying to make an impression and its too much for me....name dropping,  etc.  Plus I more so remember faces then names. Sensory Overload.  Then the question, "So what are you working on? How's the music."

Before, when that question was asked....I would dread it...especially when I really wasn't working on anything....or I didn't have an answer I thought was "music worthy."

But yesterday, when the question was asked. There was no hesitation. I replied,"I'm working on living."I don't  know where that answer came from....but it was the most liberating statement. I AM WORKING ON LIVING.  I am working on being and living to my fullest potential. Seeing what works and doesn't work in this life that I'm living... That was it. I felt no condemnation at all and actually truly enjoyed the event as I took the time to catch up everyone and see some of my music peeps.

I ran into so many familiar faces and chatted with some who, every time I see them, they make deposits in my life....with their words. They're always encouraging me to keep going in music or saying something that is in tune with my life. Their very encounters are lessons and breaths of fresh air (in fact, I wrote an entire song about it on the ride home).  Simple words like, "when its the right time...you'll write and do the singing you want again."

That moment. TIME stopped and my thinking about TIME evolved. I can't even truly express how liberating it was to even think about TIME. Like why is there an urgency to do everything RIGHT NOW.  God spoke to me on the way home about the encounter....what's the rush, when's it's already your time.  Its like when you realize what is  already yours...then there's really no need to rush it:) I've been becoming more accepting of this concept of TIME and the demands that I've been putting on something that already belongs to me.

All in all, I danced, laughed, and just had a great time.  I had an awesome time with my date, Wendy, and I succeeded in slowly reinserting myself into the music scene....not to mention I learned a valuable lesson about TIME.

2 yrs In & Angry with God!! *shakes fist*

Last month, I celebrated two years of marriage to my handsome beau. Its amazing how much growth can happen in two years.  In two years,  so many changes have taken place in a split second.  From the moment I said "I Do," I went from being a single woman with one cat to a married woman with a husband, three children, an ex-wife, and a cat.   We then added a dog :). Several adjustments were made in year one....quick adjustments necessary for our survival. As soon as I finally got the swing of everything.....better management of my household, the children, better working relationship with the ex wife....we added two more children. We hadn't even reached year 2 just yet....just a month shy of it.  I haven't really sat down with my feelings as we have been on the go...and most times now, we barely have time to sit down without the house being crowded or having to supervise, referee, teach lessons, revisit schedules, cook meals, etc. I think my husband and I are doing the the best we can to keep things as normal as we can. We still have dates and our time together....but its not always easy.

There are times...where I feel like, I got this...and then there are times where I haven't gotten the best sleep and or I feel overwhelmed or I just want moments to myself..and I just feel angry. Like last night. Like today. Who am I angry with...GOD. Not like I haven't been angry with him before. I'm like God you know me....why!! Why are you requiring me to learn to be a different person at the age of 33 years old.  Why God?!! My husband told me just last night....somebody thinks highly of us. Humph!I asked for children from my womb!! shakes fist! I have freakin baby clothes, a baby vision board, etc....whats up...where's my baby?!! As I type this, I feel like a child having a temper tantrum because I didn't get what I wanted just yet.

And then I have these moments....where I want to treat God just like I treat someone when I'm angry with them. I don't talk to them and ignore them....and I have treated Him like that in the past and over the course of this month at times.  I will not lie I have. I hate being angry and with Him. Yet, I am not afraid to voice my concern or discomfort...thank God for a God who will allow you to be honest.

Even in my angry times with God, He still speaks to me (He is the true example of love who continues in spite of). I heard him say....:"I got you."  Nothing long or long winded. Simple --"I got you."  Then  He reminded me of the Will and Jaden Smith movie called "After Earth" where there's a segment about fear.....

“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me danger is very real but fear is a choice.”
― Will Smith

And there is a scene where Jaden embraces his father's words and begins to take in every moment for what it is...and fear and the thing that is trying to destroy can't 'find him....can't even see him. It reminded me of God, how when we understand that faith is now, and take in our Father's words...that we can hide in His words of faith....and hide in Him.  Situations will come for us...but because we are living in the now of faith...it can't touch us.

Just venting... and realizing that my anger was displaced fear.

Reformed muller!

I recently came to the conclusion that I don't converse as openly as I should or could. Instead, I tend to mull over things in my brain over and over again. I do it so much that if feels like I've talked with my husband or to my friends about my feelings.

This occurred to me after having a chat  with my husband about some things that I have been pondering. He kept saying oh I never heard this before, to which I replied ... Oh no I didn't tell you this.

I'm coming to find that the mulling it over isn't good when the actual feelings are never expressed. It actually makes me feel more alone than anything. However when I talk and just get them out I feel much better.  Just something I've noticed lately. 

YOU HATE ME.

I don't know even know where to begin as this weekend was a weekend to remember. Let's start with the word Hate. 

"I hate my parents, especially Her."

The her in that message was referring to yours truly. I can't even describe how I felt when I read that message. 

"I'm doing all that I can, and I don't think she even cares rather I live or die." 

Words from my husband about our teenage daughter. Now, to hear my daughter say she hates me...hurt....but to hear my husband...knowing all the struggles he's gone thru to be there and provide the best for his children, was like a dagger to my heart.  Better yet my husband, was so hurt that he didn't even want to talk about it....so I became angry with him. I'm like not talk about it...all the pissyness in the air ...urgh! So many things went thru my head on that Friday...one. I need to get out of this house... too much negative energy....two. who can I call to be around that provide soothing.... yes all that.

You know it amazes me that in that moment, the person I wanted to be around most, was my mother. I just wanted to be held like a child...no words just a presence...but she couldn't be reached...and then I always question ..can I bare my soul without it traveling around robin hood's barn. Sorry, but my mother can't keep her mouth if her life depended on it lol. So next in line were my sisters...one out of town having a blast and the other had just gotten home from work. My sister who was coming home from work..ehhh...she's known to everyone for being a savior and providing just what you need....but i felt guilty....i'm coming to realize I really don't like burdening people with my woes...and I didn't want my sister to exert energy just coming from work. So I chose to go over my grandmother's house....no matter what, my grandmother doesn't have to say a thing...me seeing her is strength. On the way to her house...I cried. I've never wanted to be hated and it hurts to see my husband hurting and my daughter hurting amongst everything else going on in our house. I just cried.  I never pictured my family like this. I allowed it all just to come out. I allowed myself to be angry and then I returned to my house. Sat in the driveway for a while, but I went back in.

Now in my moment, I would have never foresaw what would happen the next day. I was still hurt and angry; however, I got up at 7 am and did my shopping. For some reason grocery shopping brings me joy and is a stress reliever....I have no idea why. When I returned,  my husband, my daughter, and I had a talk. I prayed that God would give me the words to truly be honest and express my feelings.  My husband shared his hurt with her. I shared with her how I was doing the best that I could. I told her that it hurt to hear her say that she hated me when I wanted nothing but the best for her.  I shared with her that we want her to have fun yet we still have standards. Instead of saying, don't hate me...I gave her permission to hate me. I also shared with her that I would not be changing...I want the best for her and know her potential and what she is capable of.... I told her that if her goal was to hurt me....she succeeded. I am hurt...and I leave to cry and try to get myself together at times....and come back to do what I need to do for my family. At the end of the day, I can't stop pushing her or any of my other children. I just can't, especially knowing I have to stand before God and give an account of how I trained and or didn't train my children. I told her just that...go on and hate me....but I'm not going anywhere. I'm not getting a divorce. I'm not gonna not hold you accountable...i may have to cry from your treatment or whatever..but I'mma be right here.  I did tell her that I would be trying to speak more softly instead of so firm....thats what I'm working on. I can't believe I said all that.

I have no idea where that vulnerability came from but I said it and I meant it...and most of all I said it in a warm and soft tone . That evening my husband and I got a letter. She told me that she was sorry and that she did try to hurt me because I married her father.....but she also thanked me for never giving up on her. It was signed, your daughter. When I got that letter, I can't even express the joy and the tears....i was already in the midst of doing Zumba....but an entire new dance took over. One filled with kicks and tears....and moves ....it was a dance of victory. I couldn't choreograph that dance even if I tried.

I have no words...other than God is awesome. I'm new to this parenting thing....all the twists and turns..but God isn't.  The shell is breaking.....and i'm trusting God with my vulnerability. Its His job to protect me. 

A night out: India.arie's SongVersation Tour

I recently attended a musical concert, India Arie's SongVersation Tour, and it was awesome. I thought I was just going to get a break from the kids and enjoy one of my favorite artists,  but in going I heard nuggets for my life...words from The Lord. I believe that things we need to hear are reaffirmed thru different things: People, places, songs, pictures,the bible,books,etc. and so I'm always open to hear things wherever I am.

There was a segment during her show where India Arie talked about being hard and having to break the shell. She talked about people who experienced hardness and they said she was mean etc. India said she was protecting herself... She was scared. Then she met  Cicely Tyson and she told her she needed to break the shell and allow people and the world to touch her. When she said that during her show... It was like a light bulb. I heard my sister Aiysha's voice when she said... "You being hard & fighting was how you had to survive back then... But you don't need to use those tools right now... You've outgrown them so stop shadow boxing ."  I heard previous conversations with my husband just days before when I  told him...."I need to be more warm with the kids. I dont know why, but it's hard." I heard all these things in that one instant. Sensory overload.

I saw in India's story, my relationship with my children and other people in my life. I'm  very stern and rule oriented and don't allow people to touch me.... Or be so close and I'm seeing how it's affecting my relationships with my children. Things have to be done so I feel like I have to be firm... So I don't exude as much warmth as I could. My husband knows how to do that and I've always admired that about him. But after going to the show... The reason for my sternness and order for my kids hit me. I'm scared. I'm scared to love the way I love ... Full vulnerability...in fear of it not being returned... So I stay at arms bay.  What a pill to swallow. Thanks India arie lol. 

This is something that I have to work on.... Breaking this wall... This shell. This fear of being hurt or unloved so I can really fly and be all that God's called me to be to my children and to this world. I must learn to allow the world to touch me.

Locate Yourself?!

Certain experiences can really center you and identify exactly where you are as it relates to your maturity. I'd say the rapid expansion of my family  (from 5 to 7) allowed me to really look at myself and God in this situation. Like really, how mature am I? I had my sad party and my tears... Why is my family like this?! What about my date night etc? Dreams? Etc I mean every negative thought came to my head and at first I was allowing it to get me down. Then i remembered my defense against the blues and woes of this world .. Praise and worship. I meditated on God being an awesome God .... And then God gave me a blow like "why are you acting like the children of Israel lost in the wilderness mumbling and complaining? Have you forgotten who I am?" I must have dreamed about that conversation over and over. " remember I am your God. I was worshipping God in my sleep and I began to remember  I am the God of Abraham, I am the God of Sarah, I am the God of Joseph, .... And then I am the God of Tekeah. Geez Louise my story. Remember having no money for college, remember praying for a father, remember a husband, remember jobs etc. I am your God. I went thru stories of my friends and fam who served the same God and the same sentence would come up I am the God of_______. It really set me right. I was spending time looking at the wrong facts so I stopped and refocused. Instead of focusing on the changes around me I focused on the fact that God is my God and He has never let me down.  If I can make it thru college twice with no money surely He can provide for any situation. So that's that, God is my God and no change or situation is too much, because God has my back. I have been located.