When Being "You" Isn't Good Enough!

It's about 4 am in the morning and I just finished pumping breast milk and writing a brief letter to my 12 year old daughter. I'm a first time mother of a 12 year old much like I'm a first time mother of  two 11 year olds (1 being autisic), 14, 18, and a soon to be 8 month old. A lot of firsts and tho it pains me to say this, I don't always make the right decisions all the time. I know that's hard to believe (LOL), but It just doesn't happen that way.  As I become a better mother day by day, I find that "what is right" is often at war with my vulnerability.  The battle between being the parent and being transparent and open enough for my children to mature into authentic feeling human beings is real.

Internal Conflict. Growing Pains.

Especially when being transparent means   to admit your mistakes and or your areas of growth & improvement and ignore the hierarchy or power struggle inherent in parent child relationships. All of that while growing and maturing personally. Yup. Work. 

Which brings me to the brief letter I wrote to my 12 year old daughter. It started with these words, "I love you and I'm thinking about you."   Something simple yet complex at the same time. Vulnerability walking on the tightrope of parenthood. An area in which i'm continuously pulling back the onion as I realize that in order to give my children what they need, it means to put,"how i am," as a person to the side. 

The way I've been for almost 35 years is enough for my survival and serves me well, yet my style of survival is not enough to meet the needs of my child. So, I'm doing the work to shift and morph to become what my child needs.  A person who dotes on her, makes her the center of attention, crafts with her, etc.  It's not east to be stretched in this capacity. It's downright uncomfortable and sometimes I feel like a traitor to my core. I'm the person who doesn't like people invading her space or clingyness/needy folks but I must become the one who enjoys her space to be invaded for the sake of the health and development of my beautiful 12 year old child.

I'm vulnerable and outside of my comfort zone...but I'm willing and so starts the beginning of my letter to my daughter, 

"I love you and I'm thinking about you."

  

Married with kids: how not to let children stop your fun!

One of my biggest fears about being married with children, was that they'd disrupt my flow and all the plans I had for my life. I' m known for being a free spirit and I love being free. I thought, oh Lord, with all these kids I'm not going to be able to do what I wanna do. Almost 4 years in, I have a bit more insight. Having children has the power to change things for sure, but the extent of how much it changes things depends on you. 

     I remember when I first had Royal (my 8 month old), I was having the biggest pity party of my life. I felt unattractive, didn't want to have sex (didn't have anything to do with my hubby... Labor without meds is all i'mma say about that lol ) and I definitely didn't want to be stuck in the house with all these kids. I was like wait, this isn't how I'm supposed to be. I'm the adventurous one! I soon realized that having a child had not taken away my adventuring spirit, the box that I was putting myself in, was squelching my spirit. My husband further confirmed what I was thinking when in so many words he said, having children is a journey, meaning that we're constantly moving thru different phases.  Sometimes you may have a season where you have to spend more time in the house then you'd like, but it's a season not a forever climate. So I decided to weather the season and prepare for the shift too. 

I remember the day, where I pulled out my calendar and was like ... I'm a spontaneous mother with 6 kids, let's get it! It was then I planned my first trip to surprise my hubby for Father's Day. I didn't know all of the details of who was going to babysit my kids all I knew was that everything was gonna work out. I surprised my hubby and we stayed in a tree house from Sunday to Tuesday. Boy, did we have a blast! I felt revived and alive. We made it happen! That experience taught me a couple of things:

1.  If, what I feel is important to me,then it is a matter of my will of whether it will happen.

2. Having children doesn't stop you, your will does.

3. Because things take more planning, doesn't mean I shouldn't do it.

The "Terrible Awful" Thing

Panic. On the verge of tears. Panic. News reels. Nervous biting of the lip. Pacing. Circling the car. Will I be arrested? Will people understand what happened? How could you be so stupid?  These thoughts bombarded my mind in the blink of an eye. I found myself being one of "them" (i.e. one of those parents who did the "terrible awful," ---locked their child in the car). 

I remember pulling the door handle and it not giving. My 12 passenger truck was locked.  Words can't truly describe the sinking feeling of having locked my baby in the truck.The feelings of desperation  and helplessness. My baby crying. Me going from side to side frantically peering thru the windows trying to command my mind to think rationally and not be overwhelmed with my emotions. I called my husband and tho I was totally freaked out, he was cool. His voice was calm, but then came the question, "so how did this happen?"  In that quick instant, I studdered as those negative thoughts were firing like a semi automatic weapon. Thoughts: how could you be so stupid ... What kind of mother are you...you're gonna scar her for life..you don't deserve to be her mother. All of this going on in my brain while trying to keep my composure and answer the question. I answered, "it happened because I accidently stepped on the keychain (the lock) while  putting her and the stroller in the truck and then I reached over, started the truck , turned the air on, hopped out of the truck, and proceeded to get in the drivers seat.

My heart stopped. Time stopped when I pulled the door and gained no entry. My husband called the police while I fought against my emotions and did my best to stay calm. I called my girlfriend and she was in route to drive to my house to get my spare keys. The police arrive. I'm pacing around the car doing my best to not burst into tears. The police officer's silver thing to jimmy the lock didn't work, but he provided these words. "Look at the bright side. It could be worse." 

-Yes you locked her in the car, but at least you had the air on.

-You have a friend  who lives nearby and is on the way with a set of spare keys.

-Don't add any extra toppings to the beating you've already given yourself.

-She's okay and you're ok.

Wow. Shift. The situation was still the same but I could see the silver lining. Yes, I made a mistake, but things could be worse. I didn't have to accept the negative thoughts. I didn't have to add extra toppings to this guilt sundae. It's a choice to take on the negativity. It's a choice to continue to beat yourself up about your mistakes. Then as if right on cue, my giggly girlfriend and her corale of children came and delivered my spare keys. Not only was their arrival a breath of fresh air but their very countenance was medicine to my soul. I saw smiles and heard laughter, a reminder of how quickly a moment can shift from desperation to happiness. I got in the car & cried tears of joy and acceptance that I made & survived the terrible awful mistake. I thought when I entered the truck I would rush to my baby's side, like  she would woo sah that mommy arrived. She was sleep. I let her sleep. She didn't have a clue what was going on... This slumber was her normal nap time.. Her cry earlier was her normal pre-sleep cry... 

I'll never forget the terrible awful mistake, nor will I be adding extra toppings to a guilt sundae. We're Good.

A million kids, a million things to do, but still on time !

I'm married to an on time husband. In fact, he's the guy who likes to be on time for everything ... including cookouts and house parties. I often have to beg him to be a lil late for the house parties. How many times we've been the first people at an event (hate that), I dare not count. So he's the punctual one... me on the other hand, not so much. In my mind, I'm punctual and I always have  high hopes to get out the house on time. For some reason, instead of going with my original game plan, I end up adding all these random non-essential tasks. I know I'm not the only one. I have no idea why i do it... but the end result is that I'm rushing,frustrated, and tense... But at least i got quite a bit done tho right?! Lol. Nope, because I end up forgetting the real stuff I was supposed to do. Welp, recently I had a training to attend and I had to be there early in the morning, 9 am (9 am during rush hour is no joke when you're driving from the sticks to the city).  So in my calendar, the training started at 9 am and I was rushing again. My anxiety was thru the roof as I had to get the baby ready along with her bottles etc., since hubby would have her all day (not to mention making sure I had all my travel breast pumping supplies). Sigh. I made it out the house, tho not at the time I wanted. I was stressed. I made it  to training with like a minute or two to spare only to realize that the training didn't start until 9:30 am. Woo hoo! Fist Pump! I had 30 mins to spare! At that moment, I took in how I was feeling. Relieved. Free. At peace. It felt good not rushing up until the minute. I even chilled out and pumped some milk in the car lol and did a periscope (I do pumptalk sessions: convos while pumping breast milk... Follow me @greenteasoul). I wrote in my little thoughts and idea pad, "when you have to be somewhere, plan 45 minutes to 1 hr ahead, you feel better when you're not rushing." I'm thinking that's the key to being on time when you a have a million kids and a million things to do, planning ahead. I've been applying this little trick me method and I've been on time and less stressed 3 times consecutively. I also remembered that this trick me method was something I used in grad school for my papers and assignments. If an assignment was due, I'd set an earlier due date:) My thinking back then was that I would have ample time just in case some last minute emergency came up. Now that I have all these kids ... It seems like something always comes up.  Like when I had just finished dressing Lollie ( my 7 month old) and she had a huge banana throw up explosion) ... Eew! But we still made it out the house in time wee hee! So I'm dusting off this trick me method, because it works for me. It's all about findiing what works for you. What are your tricks to being punctual?! 

Do You Really Have to Grow Up?!

I'm tired. As I sit here and rest my eyes in between thoughts, I peer over at my little one. I have a 7 month old child who came from my womb.  Wow. I'm still amazed at her existence. Her little body...well, her getting thick, little body. lol. It's amazing. My amazement is due in part because she is a verbal & spirtual prayer that has manifested.  I'm so glad that I documented each phase. I wrote poems about her back in 2002. I have clothing that I purchased from garage sells when I was in faith for a child

that she now wears (peep the bathing suit tacked on the wall).  I have vision boards and all that. It's utterly amazing.  I knew the day would come, but it just doesn't compare to the reality that I am living.  Now I find myself just trying to hold on to every moment that I can. I guess that's why I'm writing this as a way to come to terms that my baby is steadily developing and growing.  It seems like only yesterday I was pregnant, and now we're slowly headed towards celebrating a 1 yr old.  Time is moving too fast and I don't know what to do with time and it's continual progress. What do you do when your dream and or vision starts to grow up. What do you do when you know you're trying to hold on, when you should be letting go and transitioning/welcoming the next phase. So I'm here. Sitting and watching her sleep. Holding on to these moments and working at transitioning to the next phase. I'm wondering if this "holding on" is representative of other areas in my life where I need to transition certain things and let go.

How to Have 6 Children in 3 Years!

Some say that having children is easy and in our case it certainly seems that way. Over the course of 3 years we've had a family spurt and have had 6 children in 3 years.  So I've  gone from being a single woman with a cat to being married with 3 children (2011), to being married with 3 children and 2 cousins (who we adopted) (2013), to finally, being married with 6 children (the addition of my 1st biological child in 2014). Our house, as it stands, is like the modern day Brady bunch aka the Mason Herd or Mason bunch (2 parents, 6 children, 2 cats, and 1 dog). Lawd, a Mercy!!

So forgive me, if it's almost been a year since my last blog post. The last time I posted, I had just found out that I was pregnant. Now, my little one is 7 months old today! Wowzers, time sure does fly and I'm doing my best to keep up.   While I was on vacation, I started thinking about how I got to this point.  My family and I just returned from vacation this morning as a matter of fact. During our travels, I did a lot of thinking and I resolved that I needed to return to writing. Well I thought about a lot of other things too....you, too, would do a lot of thinking if you had a master vacation planned by the master planner of vacations, my husband.

Let me just hit you with our itinerary real quick: (auto train to Florida), Florida resort (Sat.-Tues), Disney World (Wed.) Disney Camp Ground (Tues- Sat.), Rubyhouse Ranch (Sat-Sun)....this is 8 people including traveling with  a new born (and I'm still breastfeeding). Side bar: i love my husband...but geez,I's tired. Needless to say, all that thinking led me back to writing about my experiences,  those lessons learned and unlearned. But before I returned, I thought it best that I make these rules (I just had to make some boundaries for this thing as I have a compulsive/perfectionist component to my personality lol):
-I will not  beat myself up, if I don't get to write a blog post....or its not "Deep" Life happens!  If I get to write one cool...if not, I say this as I am currently trying to win the battle  between me and my 7 month old as she is trying to steal my computer, Oh Well!

-I will continue to write, rather people click on the link or not.  My experiences are mine, and though insight can be gained from them...they are mine....it's okay if some things are relatable and some things aren't.

-I'm not perfect. The God inside of me is...however, I do not always follow his voice or his instructions immediately....so I make mistakes here and there lol...I am not perfect, but my heart is willing to learn, to fail, and to get back up again.

Welcome back to IAMNEWLYWED...the journey continues! Did you figure out how to have 6 children in 3 years?!

How I Became Pregnant!

Wowzers, the last time I blogged was in April.... 3 months ago....and in 3 months so much has changed. I guess the biggest change is that we're adding a +1 to our family....the never ending Cosby Show.  So we're going from a family of 7 to  8.  Now that I think about it, the last time I blogged, I was pregnant then and didn't even know it. 

Ha! I'm 4 months and some change. Since the realization of the positive plus sign, I'm reading books on babies, preparing my mind for the life changes,  still working out and teaching exercise classes, trying to control the incredible hulk (that wants to come out especially when denied certain foods),  preparing the kids for the change that is to come, etc.  All that and then some.

Things have been going so fast,  that I just wanted to take a moment and truly reflect on how we arrived here...ha ha besides the obvious deed that had to be done  lol!

As you all know, I got married November 2011...and it's always been my dream to birth children. I mean I have pictures and vision boards with pregnant ladies with my head stuck on them etc, all that. I seem to always start with a vision board or some type of physical representation to visualize what it is that I want.  Verbalize. Visualize, Materialize. ....though I think I actually visualize first, verbalize, then it materializes lol.

So when I got married, I knew from the jump that I did not want to have children right away, and that I wanted to be married for 2 years before adding a baby into the picture.  I was already marrying into an instant family so I wanted to adjust to having children and being married....def didn't want to do all things at one time. Though I knew I wasn't planning on having children in that first year it didn't stop me from buying my first onesie:) that I kept on a night shade in my room for 2 1/2 years:) I firmly believe in the principle that faith is acting on what you believe.

I continued to do stuff like this throughout the years.  Throughout the summer, I would attend garage sales as well.  I've always loved garage sales and so when I would see stuff that increased my vision, I would pick it up.  Last fall,  I got several cute unisex, practically new onesies, and day outfits for my baby. It only cost me a $1 or two to increase my vision. Ooh and I saw this cute bathing suit that I just couldn't resist. I set this bag right under the lampshade in my room.

Now when my husband and I decided to actually put forth the effort to make a baby and take other steps (like getting van in advance)  to accommodate the growth and even adding stickers of the new baby to the van....something unexpected happened (See post :2 yrs in and angry with God! *Shakes fist*). I wont' go into entire ordeal, but lets just say that the van that I got for my future baby was already filled to capacity....but not with children from my womb.

 So yes, I had my moments compounded with the act of trying to making a baby...compounded with the prior history of having a miscarriage in my early 20s (those instances try to wreak havoc in your mind)....and lastly not even realizing the science behind the timing, etc...def a bit more complicated then I thought. It was so frustrating. I mean the mere sight of my menses would send me into tears. I felt like a failure every time I saw my menses. I can remember crying to my husband feeling like I let him down.  The hardest part for me is that I could not control it.  I couldn't physically take his sperm and put it where I wanted and say Voila! I had to wait, be patient, and keep the faith.

Now during those times did i feel down....yes...oh but when you have a great mate and friends who speak life and not death to your situation. It really makes a difference. My husband always encouraged me...he would say things like, "You wait until little Psalm comes on the scene." He would hold me as I cried, yet he still spoke life. My friends would encourage me  (thank God for my sisters support and circle) and then God would stick his foot in my butt and direct back to my words and my vision. One of my friends encouraged me to do a pregnancy vision board....and on the back I put scriptures that spoke to me. I hung this on the lamp shade. During the  times I became discouraged, I went back to this.

There also came a point where, I stopped obsessing and trying to control the process and just let it go. And alas, here we are:). I am pregnant!....and it's not just because we followed the scientific process...but I believe it's because we acted on our faith and what we believed...that in a nutshell is how I got pregnant!