How to use Memories from your relationships to your advantage!

 I can say that the past week has been like a roller coaster....so much so that last week slipped without me writing my weekly IAMNEWLYWED post....so here it goes. Forgive me. It's late, but it's here.

Throughout the chaos of dealing with my children and their attitudes and repeating myself over and over, I found that during my drives to and from teaching exercise classes, I would break into little giggles. I found myself smiling here and there.

Memories. 

I began smiling and laughing at the memories my husband and I created before we were married and during our first years of marriage. In the chaos, I used my mind to time travel and remember the joys in our union....in getting to know one another. Instead of continuously focusing on the kids and what they were and or were not during....I switched gears.

-Riding a bike over the San Franisco Golden Gate Bridge....a tour that was supposed to take 1 hr took 3 hrs.... then we attended a play later that evening...I couldn't even walk because of the bike ride (pre-inshape days lol).

-Taking a flight to Las Vegas  a day early (in the wee hours in the morn) because it saved money...not realizing how tired we'd be...we  ordered wings and sat and played scrabble at the bar lol. I think i fell asleep.

- Biking 24 miles and having lunch

-Going to see Prince in NJ and at the end we walked an hour in the cold because we couldn't find the car lol. It's funny now but it wasn't funny then.

-Doing Ziplines together...I almost didn't make it lol I was scared.....but my boo had my back!

Memories.

I could go on and on and on. I have realized that what we choose to focus on, expands. When I choose to focus on great memories, there was a reservoir of joy and happiness that overtook the frustration that I was feeling.

I keep my memories as they are silver linings for trying situations. I encourage you to use your memories and share them with your mate and  rehash them. Sometimes stuff gets difficult but its nothing like remembering the foundation and love that you have for one another.

Should You Consider Your In-laws BEFORE Choosing a Mate?!

Throughout my adult life, I've heard numerous stories about relationships and marriages being ruined because of either the person's parents and or other family members.  Because of this, one of the things that I took into high consideration as it concerns my selection of my mate, his family.

I remember writing on my "what I want in a mate list"  specifics about his relationship with his family.  Even when I dated people and were considering them as life partners, I analyzed their relationships with their families and how they functioned as a family. I remember I was dating this one guy and his family was hilarious, but they also got down as it concerned partying, alcohol, and marijuana. These are things that I don't particularly enjoy being around, nor did I want my future children to be around....but that's just me. Now, I'm not throwing any shade. I grew up around alcoholism and drugs, and  so it's priority for me to protect my family and not have them experience the same things I did.

 Now, when I was dating my husband, I went around his family a lot and he came around mine as well. I think its important during  the dating and courting period that both sides experience each others families, if you are considering them as a serious contender (now i don't advise you bring everyone home lol). I was there for major holidays, church, volunteering events, etc. I made sure I had enough data to make a wise choice. Now as a whole, I know I'm unique. I laugh loud,  have quirky ways, and love joking etc. It was important to me to just be myself and not put on the  "I'm around his parents" type air. I didn't want any surprises after the wedding like, I didn't know you were like that. lol.

Overall,  while we  were dating, I decided I really enjoyed being around his family and that I could deal with his family for the rest of my life (very important).  In fact, I looked forward to going over his parent's house and spending time with them. His mom and dad were  and are not overbearing parents and they respect their son's adulthood and decision making. We are able talk about different things and move on. I love his family, my family, because they considered me.   This is how I knew I was in the family before being in the family. I was there one Easter  (pre-marriage)and my hubby's aunt made some deviled eggs that had relish in them. I couldn't eat them because I'm allergic to cucumbers, etc. The next family dinner event, his aunt told me she had special eggs for me in the fridge, deviled eggs without the relish:) Wee hee! Something that simple was monumental! Now, you can't remove me from this family even if you tried.  Now married and in the family, we have had some disagreements, but we have always come full circle and I believe it's because of the foundation that was set prior to the marriage.

The foundation of really knowing your mate's parents and family is soooo important. When you explore current relationships most times it can give you some foresight of how it will be in the future. Don't ignore any signs and or minimize this issue. I believe that if his family was always in our mix or important business...probably wouldn't have lasted.....just unnecessary stress. Now, can your relationship make it with jacked up in-laws....yup...I'm just saying its a bit easier when they aren't jacked up lol.

Before we were married, we established the following principles.
WE  ( my husband and I )COME FIRST
WE  (my husband and I ) COME BEFORE OUR MOTHERS, FATHERS, SISTER, BROTHERS, etc
WE (my husband and I) MAY CONSIDER FAMILY, BUT WE HAVE THE FINAL RULE

I'm Dating a Married Man! #Gluttony

A month or so ago I purchased a married man some tickets to an event called, #Gluttony, that was hosted by a premiere supper club called Arcane.  He did not know what to expect and neither did I but we went and had a blast. The concept, the artistry, the food, the fashion, the people....just awesome. I even saw Mr. White from Breaking Bad in the building. Everything was seamed together perfectly and then there was the music.

The music gave me life.  I was so in love with the DJ's mixes and I was also in love with the way this married man was watching me on the dance floor. I was oblivious to another man that  was watching me as well. He later proceeded to dance with me while I was slow winding to a reggae song. I watched as the married man watched the guy try to dance with me and then I noticed that the married man had walked away.

Hmm...I came there with the married man. Nonetheless, I danced a little with the guy, but kept my distance as reggae can become intense. The guy eventually got the message and walked off.

Later on I saw the married guy again watching me and so I went up to him and danced with him. I was like where did you go...he went to go get more food. I thought he was gonna save me when I was dancing with the other guy but instead he laughed and told me he thought it was funny...after all, he knows me.

Yes, this married man knows me all too well. I am his wife. Most importantly, I am his wife and yet I am still dating him and exploring our relationship. Now, I don't think we've ever been in a situation like that before ...a guy tries to grind or whatever...nor have we ever talked about what we do in that situation... but the fact that he was at ease and said "I know you." had me beaming the entire night. It's nothing like your man being confident and secure in what he has in his woman.  So yeah, I'm dating a married man:) and I'm loving every minute of it.

Why People Lie In Relationships?!!

I hear several discussions about truths and lies in relationships. There are some that would rather have a skeleton of happiness (life based on a lie) then the reality of the truth.  I've never truly figured it out...why some are comfortable lying to their mate and then those who are comfortable  living  with the lies.

I started thinking about this last night as I was laying in bed with my husband. We had just finished watching an episode of Breaking Bad (yes we're behind lol) when this convo happens:

Husband: Babe your breath.
Me: What?
Husband: Man, that joint smells like...
Me: What? Like my mouth been shut too long (you know that stale smell)
Husband: Naw, like you been incubating a fart
Me: for real .

This conversation cracks me up, but it highlights something so simple and one of the things that I've always admired about my husband. He is not afraid to tell me the truth and I love that about our relationship. There have been many times when he has come from work and greeted me with a kiss and afterwards I'd say, "You've been eating onions." (I had to put that in there, lol, I ain't the only who has tart breath in this relationship at times. lol.)

Overall, we value honesty in the simplest of things so that when more challenging situations come, it's not a problem.

As I was writing this, I shared with my husband, "I don't understand why people don't feel comfortable telling the truth to the person they married."
His response to me was very enlightening. He said, "That's easy. People don't take the truth at face value. They don't focus on the truth, but instead focus on feelings. So instead of hearing the truth, they hear how a person hurt their feelings....or they don't say stuff because they don't want to hurt the other persons feelings."

After hearing his response,  I guess the comfort in being honest with my husband is because I know him telling me the truth or me telling him the truth, has no malicious intent. We don't seek to hurt each other. We love one another; therefore, we speak the truth in love. What are your thoughts on this?

Husband or Job (Career Expansion)?

There are some situations that you just don't see coming.....especially the one I experienced last week.  So here's the skinny. In pursuing one of my jobs as an independent consultant teaching zumba classes, I came across an opportunity that seemed as if it was perfect. It was a perfect location, would expand my business, and bring in major dough (i.e money). So, I thought, awesome. All along the way, I'd discuss my thoughts with my husband and get his take as I don't commit to stuff without his input or discussing it with him....especially when our decisions affect the household. We are a team and everyone needs to know what all team players are doing. It's like playing volley ball on the same team, and then you guys are both going for the ball, but both stop short thinking the other person is going to get it. I always hated when that happened. So that's why we communicate before we commit.

Getting back to the situation....so the deal was going somewhat well and then it came time to sign the contract. Now, instead of signing the contract in the office, I told the person that  I would be taking the contract home to also review it with my husband. When I tell you this guy, went off...he went off.  I guess it was his trigger, me discussing the contract over with, as he put it, a "third party."  A person once told me that your response in intense situations are locators of who you really are.  So during that situation I told him a couple of things.... 1.  My husband and I are a team. 2. I have every right to ponder over a legal document before signing it.  3. He doesn't have to agree with me I just ask he respect my family (talking about my husband "nit picky," etc. is offffffff limits).

Needless to say, although he forwarded me the contract that same evening after going off on me, I declined the contract. I realize that I truly value my family and my husband over a lucrative job offer. It's funny because I didn't realize it right then until my husband said, Wow you love me that much.  I think the moral of this story ...if there is one....sometimes it's not in the things that we say but it's in  the unexpected moments that our love is demonstrated to our loved ones.

Is Marriage More Important than Your Kids...

I was on facebook when I stumbled upon this conversation: do you serve your children or your spouse first. This question touched the tip of the ice-burg on such a sensitive subject: who comes first, your marriage or your children.... and there were mixed passionate views.
 
Now for me, being in a relationship and dating = children come first; however, when you're married your relationship comes first, and then the children. Now, I'm not saying that you neglect your children. I would never say that; after all,  I'm a social worker and I believe that every child's basic needs should be met. Food, shelter, clothing, etc....all that is a given. 

 After God, my husband and I  (our marriage) comes first for the benefit of our children. We view our relationship as the foundation for our family and it is important that our foundation is solid. If our relationship is weak and filled with contention and strife it will trickle down to our children. Thus, we do our due diligence to protect our relationship as we are aware that not knowing how to set boundaries with your children can be relationship killers.

In the beginning it was definitely a transition as prior to marriage, my husband was a single parent with three children and so he was used to putting them first. Then, he remarried and so a transition had to take place. Once marriage takes place, two people must learn to function as one.  In marriage it is no longer children first, marriage second, but it is marriage first, children second. Sometimes it can get tricky when you're a part of a blended family, as the third person involved may not share the same views or value the marriage union.  I think this has been one of the more challenging aspects of being in a blended family,  transitioning and emphasizing the roles and structure of the family dynamics. Marriage first, then the children. There are times when we have to consider the role of children participating in numerous activities and or how or if it will affect our relationship. We don't commit to activities for the children without discussing it, etc. We have to make the decisions that are best.

This sounds weird to some...but I married my husband and he married me. We did stand not stand at the alter marrying our children. Do we love our children? Yes! Do we strive to do everything we can for our children?Yes!  Do we want them to be happy:) yes!The caveat is that there are boundaries that we follow as it concerns our children and their happiness is not our priority....their happiness does not run our relationship.

"Get Permission" From your Spouse/Mate?!

 I'm a free spirit. I love exploring the things that  bring me joy and happiness. So depending on the day you may find me singing, baking, working out, crocheting,  reading, painting,  group discussions, etc....whatever... it's fun and it's my life.  This free spirit and liberty didn't truly materialize until I made it my mission to pursue joy and happiness after I resigned from my full time job as a social worker in 2010. At that time, I was dating my boyfriend (who is now my husband) when I came to that conclusion.

We talked about  me quitting my job. Now, we'd been dating for about 2 years and some change and  were already having conversations about marriage,  pre-marital counseling, etc. So hence,  I felt this was a conversation we should have if we were planning to spend the future together.  It went something like, hey I think I'm going to resign from my job, how would you feel about that.  He was cool with it. I quit my job.

Now, I wasn't just willy nilly about it. I was strategic in that even if I didn't get married for 5 years or even to my husband, I made sure that quitting my job was a choice that I could live with.  In other words, me first, him second.  I  made sure I could sustain my life and my needs without the help of my boyfriend (I paid  off every bill except for my house and car, I had a part time job, cut off anything that wasn't a necessity, and had savings, and continued to tithe). My income was not combined with my boyfriend. My decision wasn't based on a man, yet a discussion was had based upon our relationship.  There are nuggets that I've learned as a result of  my education as a social worker: Women are more likely to give up their dreams for a man more so than a man will for a woman.  So I purposed to not fall into that statistic.

I'm still self-employed and an independent contractor. I'm still a free spirit who has a lot of hobbies. There is a slight difference though.  In my premarital state, I asked by boyfriend what he thought and or included him in the discussion, but as a married woman, I ask for permission.  Permission...it almost sounds like a curse word lol!

Yup, this grown woman asks for permission from her mate and in turn he does the same as well. We consider each other. It's not about the person owning you and or having control over you, but it's more so about being on the same page. Consulting with the one you choose as your mate.  Maybe they see a different perspective that you don't see.  There are a lot of things that I may want to do at a particular time and I'll ask him and he may say go right ahead and other times he may say wait for a little bit (normally the wait a little bit, is not because he finds pleasure in denying me, but it has a greater purpose..maybe the timing isn't right)..and I wait.  I know that this hits the nerve for a lot of folk... like I'm grown I don't need their permission...then why get married? Do you, by yourself lol! Just serious!  But really permission is not bad especially when you know your mate wants nothing but the best for you..in fact, in my book, asking for permission=peace...permission=communication...permission=same page

I think we started considering each other before we were even married and it transitioned well into marriage, but with added importance. I don't know where we'd be without "Permission" in our marriage.