Why People Lie In Relationships?!!

I hear several discussions about truths and lies in relationships. There are some that would rather have a skeleton of happiness (life based on a lie) then the reality of the truth.  I've never truly figured it out...why some are comfortable lying to their mate and then those who are comfortable  living  with the lies.

I started thinking about this last night as I was laying in bed with my husband. We had just finished watching an episode of Breaking Bad (yes we're behind lol) when this convo happens:

Husband: Babe your breath.
Me: What?
Husband: Man, that joint smells like...
Me: What? Like my mouth been shut too long (you know that stale smell)
Husband: Naw, like you been incubating a fart
Me: for real .

This conversation cracks me up, but it highlights something so simple and one of the things that I've always admired about my husband. He is not afraid to tell me the truth and I love that about our relationship. There have been many times when he has come from work and greeted me with a kiss and afterwards I'd say, "You've been eating onions." (I had to put that in there, lol, I ain't the only who has tart breath in this relationship at times. lol.)

Overall, we value honesty in the simplest of things so that when more challenging situations come, it's not a problem.

As I was writing this, I shared with my husband, "I don't understand why people don't feel comfortable telling the truth to the person they married."
His response to me was very enlightening. He said, "That's easy. People don't take the truth at face value. They don't focus on the truth, but instead focus on feelings. So instead of hearing the truth, they hear how a person hurt their feelings....or they don't say stuff because they don't want to hurt the other persons feelings."

After hearing his response,  I guess the comfort in being honest with my husband is because I know him telling me the truth or me telling him the truth, has no malicious intent. We don't seek to hurt each other. We love one another; therefore, we speak the truth in love. What are your thoughts on this?

Husband or Job (Career Expansion)?

There are some situations that you just don't see coming.....especially the one I experienced last week.  So here's the skinny. In pursuing one of my jobs as an independent consultant teaching zumba classes, I came across an opportunity that seemed as if it was perfect. It was a perfect location, would expand my business, and bring in major dough (i.e money). So, I thought, awesome. All along the way, I'd discuss my thoughts with my husband and get his take as I don't commit to stuff without his input or discussing it with him....especially when our decisions affect the household. We are a team and everyone needs to know what all team players are doing. It's like playing volley ball on the same team, and then you guys are both going for the ball, but both stop short thinking the other person is going to get it. I always hated when that happened. So that's why we communicate before we commit.

Getting back to the situation....so the deal was going somewhat well and then it came time to sign the contract. Now, instead of signing the contract in the office, I told the person that  I would be taking the contract home to also review it with my husband. When I tell you this guy, went off...he went off.  I guess it was his trigger, me discussing the contract over with, as he put it, a "third party."  A person once told me that your response in intense situations are locators of who you really are.  So during that situation I told him a couple of things.... 1.  My husband and I are a team. 2. I have every right to ponder over a legal document before signing it.  3. He doesn't have to agree with me I just ask he respect my family (talking about my husband "nit picky," etc. is offffffff limits).

Needless to say, although he forwarded me the contract that same evening after going off on me, I declined the contract. I realize that I truly value my family and my husband over a lucrative job offer. It's funny because I didn't realize it right then until my husband said, Wow you love me that much.  I think the moral of this story ...if there is one....sometimes it's not in the things that we say but it's in  the unexpected moments that our love is demonstrated to our loved ones.

Is Marriage More Important than Your Kids...

I was on facebook when I stumbled upon this conversation: do you serve your children or your spouse first. This question touched the tip of the ice-burg on such a sensitive subject: who comes first, your marriage or your children.... and there were mixed passionate views.
 
Now for me, being in a relationship and dating = children come first; however, when you're married your relationship comes first, and then the children. Now, I'm not saying that you neglect your children. I would never say that; after all,  I'm a social worker and I believe that every child's basic needs should be met. Food, shelter, clothing, etc....all that is a given. 

 After God, my husband and I  (our marriage) comes first for the benefit of our children. We view our relationship as the foundation for our family and it is important that our foundation is solid. If our relationship is weak and filled with contention and strife it will trickle down to our children. Thus, we do our due diligence to protect our relationship as we are aware that not knowing how to set boundaries with your children can be relationship killers.

In the beginning it was definitely a transition as prior to marriage, my husband was a single parent with three children and so he was used to putting them first. Then, he remarried and so a transition had to take place. Once marriage takes place, two people must learn to function as one.  In marriage it is no longer children first, marriage second, but it is marriage first, children second. Sometimes it can get tricky when you're a part of a blended family, as the third person involved may not share the same views or value the marriage union.  I think this has been one of the more challenging aspects of being in a blended family,  transitioning and emphasizing the roles and structure of the family dynamics. Marriage first, then the children. There are times when we have to consider the role of children participating in numerous activities and or how or if it will affect our relationship. We don't commit to activities for the children without discussing it, etc. We have to make the decisions that are best.

This sounds weird to some...but I married my husband and he married me. We did stand not stand at the alter marrying our children. Do we love our children? Yes! Do we strive to do everything we can for our children?Yes!  Do we want them to be happy:) yes!The caveat is that there are boundaries that we follow as it concerns our children and their happiness is not our priority....their happiness does not run our relationship.

"Get Permission" From your Spouse/Mate?!

 I'm a free spirit. I love exploring the things that  bring me joy and happiness. So depending on the day you may find me singing, baking, working out, crocheting,  reading, painting,  group discussions, etc....whatever... it's fun and it's my life.  This free spirit and liberty didn't truly materialize until I made it my mission to pursue joy and happiness after I resigned from my full time job as a social worker in 2010. At that time, I was dating my boyfriend (who is now my husband) when I came to that conclusion.

We talked about  me quitting my job. Now, we'd been dating for about 2 years and some change and  were already having conversations about marriage,  pre-marital counseling, etc. So hence,  I felt this was a conversation we should have if we were planning to spend the future together.  It went something like, hey I think I'm going to resign from my job, how would you feel about that.  He was cool with it. I quit my job.

Now, I wasn't just willy nilly about it. I was strategic in that even if I didn't get married for 5 years or even to my husband, I made sure that quitting my job was a choice that I could live with.  In other words, me first, him second.  I  made sure I could sustain my life and my needs without the help of my boyfriend (I paid  off every bill except for my house and car, I had a part time job, cut off anything that wasn't a necessity, and had savings, and continued to tithe). My income was not combined with my boyfriend. My decision wasn't based on a man, yet a discussion was had based upon our relationship.  There are nuggets that I've learned as a result of  my education as a social worker: Women are more likely to give up their dreams for a man more so than a man will for a woman.  So I purposed to not fall into that statistic.

I'm still self-employed and an independent contractor. I'm still a free spirit who has a lot of hobbies. There is a slight difference though.  In my premarital state, I asked by boyfriend what he thought and or included him in the discussion, but as a married woman, I ask for permission.  Permission...it almost sounds like a curse word lol!

Yup, this grown woman asks for permission from her mate and in turn he does the same as well. We consider each other. It's not about the person owning you and or having control over you, but it's more so about being on the same page. Consulting with the one you choose as your mate.  Maybe they see a different perspective that you don't see.  There are a lot of things that I may want to do at a particular time and I'll ask him and he may say go right ahead and other times he may say wait for a little bit (normally the wait a little bit, is not because he finds pleasure in denying me, but it has a greater purpose..maybe the timing isn't right)..and I wait.  I know that this hits the nerve for a lot of folk... like I'm grown I don't need their permission...then why get married? Do you, by yourself lol! Just serious!  But really permission is not bad especially when you know your mate wants nothing but the best for you..in fact, in my book, asking for permission=peace...permission=communication...permission=same page

I think we started considering each other before we were even married and it transitioned well into marriage, but with added importance. I don't know where we'd be without "Permission" in our marriage.

Don't Cross the Line In Marriage...

As a single woman, I had so many boundaries of do's and dont's. I had lists upon lists as to what line I would cross as well as the things that were forbidden. I remember when I first had the eureka moment that I could no longer spend the night over a male's house who was attracted to me....forget those attracted to me... plainly, I couldn't spend the night over a man's house who had a penis..lol. My spending night was solely for cuddling, whereas them having me over was to cuddle but to ultimately lead to the bedroom. Lessons learned. Needless to say, I created boundaries in my life for protection and safety.   I  also didn't date guys who were liberal with alcohol because I wasn't a drinker and it def wasn't sexy to me. I was already dealing with family who dealt with alcoholism, and so me choosing to date someone who had the same problem, just seemed like an additional headache. Sorry,  dealing with my family is enough.

So that's what I did. What I do. I create lines and boundaries for protection....for safety.  I look at past behaviors and patterns and create a framework for how I will handle you. It keeps me safe and then I know what to expect. I say that for the most part, the boundaries and lines that I created for myself did what they were supposed to do; they safe guarded me.

It's just this one thing........ummmmmmm....I'm married.

What I find now, is that some of the boundaries and lines that I've put up are no longer relevant. They don't apply, yet, some of the blocks are still up. It's funny how you don't realize you still have them up until your mate does something to try to penetrate the wall.

For example,  take the previous situation during my singlehood about cuddling = sex.  I still like to cuddle. JUST CUDDLE.  I love sex too, but I view the two separately. My hubby likes to cuddle too...but he likes to cuddle to HAVE SEX.  So when we were first married,  I was like, you just want to hold me to have sex. I didn't realize at that time but his holding me to have sex triggered my past feeling of feeling used (singlehood).  He would say, you don't want to have sex. So how do you figure out which cuddle times are just CUDDLE times (me) and  what times are CUDDLE + SEX times (him). LOL. I know right.

So in essence, I had to reconstruct some boundaries and allow myself to be completely vulnerable to the man I chose to be my husband for the rest of my life on this earth. I started this process by having conversations with him during times when we were just kicking it (i.e. chilling out). I don't think you want to have these conversations during tense situations...but that's just my thought.


And these conversations allowed the walls to come down. Now, some of these conversations are on-going, but the willingness to reconstruct the boundaries and the lines in your relationship is the key.

Overall, I think lines and boundaries should exist in all relationships; however, figuring out which
ones to keep, reconstruct, and eliminate is essential in your marriage.

5 Ways to to Deal with the "Other Woman" While You're Married!

Two popular shows, Scandal and I Am Mary Jane,  seem to have taken the world and social media by storm. Now, I can't speak for I Am Mary Jane as I've never seen the show...but Scandal is def on my list of shows  that I watch each season it returns (along with The Walking Dead, etc. lol). The two share this common thread of steamy affairs and intelligent and attractive mistresses. There seems to be  a trend of glamorizing cheating while desensitizing the world on the thought of affairs and mistresses.   I was having a conversation with some friends about mistresses, side chicks, bottom (female dogs), etc. ...in which they hipped me to this class system that I didn't even know existed.....guess you learn something new everyday. 

But you know what, I think the producer's of these shows, miss out on a particular "other woman" in marriages and in relationships. It's the "other woman" that I know all too well and am also still learning. The "other woman" that I must deal with as a result of having a blended family.

Let's talk about that "other woman." The "other woman" who is involved in your life because she had children with your husband or mate.

Now, when I first got married "the other woman"was havoc and I really didn't now how to deal with it. I was coming from hey...i want to be your friend and she was coming from, I want nothing to do with you.  Needless, to say the road was rocky. So here's my bit on what I've learned thus far about dealing with another woman while you're married/relationship....

1. You and your husband are one. You are a team.
Most marriages take some years before functioning on this level, but my husband and I had to learn how to function as 1 within in the first 6 months of our relationship  or it would have been in shambles. Splitting (playing one side against each other) is very common in blended families. It can can come from the children and or the other woman.

2. Communicate as one to the "other woman."
This takes a lot of practice and patience.  This means that before you respond to any e-mail, request, or questions from the other woman/man, that you have a conversation with your partner.  We created a phrase for when things are asked of us: "I will get back to you, after I talk with my husband/wife." Not only does this communicate oneness, but it eliminates confusion.

3. Document agreements and arrangements.
When you have a relationship that is strained, it is easy to say one thing, but hear another.  My mother taught me one of the most valuable lessons that has helped me so much in life, "You can't refute what's in black and white." In essence, that means that once you put something in writing and that person agrees... you can always go back to it as a reference point....and it lessons emotional responses.

4. Remember, they are not you.
I believe one of the number one fallacy's that had my husband and I stuck for a little while in dealing with another woman is expecting her to deal with situations the same we would. She is not not us and vice versa.  We are only responsible for our actions and have to divorce ourselves from how she may choose to deal with things. A wise man once told me, our response is our responsibility. A wise woman once told me, don't let another person just chill in your brain...they are taking up space.

5. Keep your relationship PRIORITY.
Although having children is a major part of our lives and  another woman is a part of that life, our  marriage relationship is separate and only 2nd  to our  personal relationships with God.

How Much Should You Change For Your Mate?!

I know the declarations I made in my pre-marital state. I'mma be this way, I'mma do this, etc. My interests premaritally were  on me .... how I wanted to look and or wanted to be.  Now that I'm married, I still have some of those same thoughts of how I want to look, be, and or things I want to do.... however there is great consideration and submission to my husband.

I thought about this as I was preparing to get a new hairstyle last weekend. I wanted a change from the weaves. I wanted something different, but I just didn't know what. I talked to my husband about some options: braids, etc. I showed him pics of what I was considering and  he didn't like quite a few. In the end, I didn't get a hairstyle that he didn't like.

Some may think uhh, it's just a hairstyle.... And it is. More than that, it is an expression of my love for him. I understand that I represent more than myself and I am his wife. I aim to please him :) in every way that I can.  Now don't get me wrong we have our artistic differences  like the time when I wanted to run to the   store in short gym shorts and  thigh high muggle socks and a winter coat.....  Lol.. Yeah I tried. It happens. But overall I have made changes for my man because the consideration is no longer "just about me" but it's about him and how it will affect our relationship.

People  may disagree with me...but I firmly believe that when you're married you should change for your mate. I believe that your core values should already line up before marrying so I so think the changes that take place shouldn't be that life altering.

It's a part my of wife description to know my man... Likes and dislikes.... And for me sometimes that may mean changes.  I don't think it makes you a weak person, I believe it's such a great demonstration of love.... Considering "us" before me.

What are your thoughts on this?!

Before 

After