Reformed muller!

I recently came to the conclusion that I don't converse as openly as I should or could. Instead, I tend to mull over things in my brain over and over again. I do it so much that if feels like I've talked with my husband or to my friends about my feelings.

This occurred to me after having a chat  with my husband about some things that I have been pondering. He kept saying oh I never heard this before, to which I replied ... Oh no I didn't tell you this.

I'm coming to find that the mulling it over isn't good when the actual feelings are never expressed. It actually makes me feel more alone than anything. However when I talk and just get them out I feel much better.  Just something I've noticed lately. 

YOU HATE ME.

I don't know even know where to begin as this weekend was a weekend to remember. Let's start with the word Hate. 

"I hate my parents, especially Her."

The her in that message was referring to yours truly. I can't even describe how I felt when I read that message. 

"I'm doing all that I can, and I don't think she even cares rather I live or die." 

Words from my husband about our teenage daughter. Now, to hear my daughter say she hates me...hurt....but to hear my husband...knowing all the struggles he's gone thru to be there and provide the best for his children, was like a dagger to my heart.  Better yet my husband, was so hurt that he didn't even want to talk about it....so I became angry with him. I'm like not talk about it...all the pissyness in the air ...urgh! So many things went thru my head on that Friday...one. I need to get out of this house... too much negative energy....two. who can I call to be around that provide soothing.... yes all that.

You know it amazes me that in that moment, the person I wanted to be around most, was my mother. I just wanted to be held like a child...no words just a presence...but she couldn't be reached...and then I always question ..can I bare my soul without it traveling around robin hood's barn. Sorry, but my mother can't keep her mouth if her life depended on it lol. So next in line were my sisters...one out of town having a blast and the other had just gotten home from work. My sister who was coming home from work..ehhh...she's known to everyone for being a savior and providing just what you need....but i felt guilty....i'm coming to realize I really don't like burdening people with my woes...and I didn't want my sister to exert energy just coming from work. So I chose to go over my grandmother's house....no matter what, my grandmother doesn't have to say a thing...me seeing her is strength. On the way to her house...I cried. I've never wanted to be hated and it hurts to see my husband hurting and my daughter hurting amongst everything else going on in our house. I just cried.  I never pictured my family like this. I allowed it all just to come out. I allowed myself to be angry and then I returned to my house. Sat in the driveway for a while, but I went back in.

Now in my moment, I would have never foresaw what would happen the next day. I was still hurt and angry; however, I got up at 7 am and did my shopping. For some reason grocery shopping brings me joy and is a stress reliever....I have no idea why. When I returned,  my husband, my daughter, and I had a talk. I prayed that God would give me the words to truly be honest and express my feelings.  My husband shared his hurt with her. I shared with her how I was doing the best that I could. I told her that it hurt to hear her say that she hated me when I wanted nothing but the best for her.  I shared with her that we want her to have fun yet we still have standards. Instead of saying, don't hate me...I gave her permission to hate me. I also shared with her that I would not be changing...I want the best for her and know her potential and what she is capable of.... I told her that if her goal was to hurt me....she succeeded. I am hurt...and I leave to cry and try to get myself together at times....and come back to do what I need to do for my family. At the end of the day, I can't stop pushing her or any of my other children. I just can't, especially knowing I have to stand before God and give an account of how I trained and or didn't train my children. I told her just that...go on and hate me....but I'm not going anywhere. I'm not getting a divorce. I'm not gonna not hold you accountable...i may have to cry from your treatment or whatever..but I'mma be right here.  I did tell her that I would be trying to speak more softly instead of so firm....thats what I'm working on. I can't believe I said all that.

I have no idea where that vulnerability came from but I said it and I meant it...and most of all I said it in a warm and soft tone . That evening my husband and I got a letter. She told me that she was sorry and that she did try to hurt me because I married her father.....but she also thanked me for never giving up on her. It was signed, your daughter. When I got that letter, I can't even express the joy and the tears....i was already in the midst of doing Zumba....but an entire new dance took over. One filled with kicks and tears....and moves ....it was a dance of victory. I couldn't choreograph that dance even if I tried.

I have no words...other than God is awesome. I'm new to this parenting thing....all the twists and turns..but God isn't.  The shell is breaking.....and i'm trusting God with my vulnerability. Its His job to protect me. 

A night out: India.arie's SongVersation Tour

I recently attended a musical concert, India Arie's SongVersation Tour, and it was awesome. I thought I was just going to get a break from the kids and enjoy one of my favorite artists,  but in going I heard nuggets for my life...words from The Lord. I believe that things we need to hear are reaffirmed thru different things: People, places, songs, pictures,the bible,books,etc. and so I'm always open to hear things wherever I am.

There was a segment during her show where India Arie talked about being hard and having to break the shell. She talked about people who experienced hardness and they said she was mean etc. India said she was protecting herself... She was scared. Then she met  Cicely Tyson and she told her she needed to break the shell and allow people and the world to touch her. When she said that during her show... It was like a light bulb. I heard my sister Aiysha's voice when she said... "You being hard & fighting was how you had to survive back then... But you don't need to use those tools right now... You've outgrown them so stop shadow boxing ."  I heard previous conversations with my husband just days before when I  told him...."I need to be more warm with the kids. I dont know why, but it's hard." I heard all these things in that one instant. Sensory overload.

I saw in India's story, my relationship with my children and other people in my life. I'm  very stern and rule oriented and don't allow people to touch me.... Or be so close and I'm seeing how it's affecting my relationships with my children. Things have to be done so I feel like I have to be firm... So I don't exude as much warmth as I could. My husband knows how to do that and I've always admired that about him. But after going to the show... The reason for my sternness and order for my kids hit me. I'm scared. I'm scared to love the way I love ... Full vulnerability...in fear of it not being returned... So I stay at arms bay.  What a pill to swallow. Thanks India arie lol. 

This is something that I have to work on.... Breaking this wall... This shell. This fear of being hurt or unloved so I can really fly and be all that God's called me to be to my children and to this world. I must learn to allow the world to touch me.

Locate Yourself?!

Certain experiences can really center you and identify exactly where you are as it relates to your maturity. I'd say the rapid expansion of my family  (from 5 to 7) allowed me to really look at myself and God in this situation. Like really, how mature am I? I had my sad party and my tears... Why is my family like this?! What about my date night etc? Dreams? Etc I mean every negative thought came to my head and at first I was allowing it to get me down. Then i remembered my defense against the blues and woes of this world .. Praise and worship. I meditated on God being an awesome God .... And then God gave me a blow like "why are you acting like the children of Israel lost in the wilderness mumbling and complaining? Have you forgotten who I am?" I must have dreamed about that conversation over and over. " remember I am your God. I was worshipping God in my sleep and I began to remember  I am the God of Abraham, I am the God of Sarah, I am the God of Joseph, .... And then I am the God of Tekeah. Geez Louise my story. Remember having no money for college, remember praying for a father, remember a husband, remember jobs etc. I am your God. I went thru stories of my friends and fam who served the same God and the same sentence would come up I am the God of_______. It really set me right. I was spending time looking at the wrong facts so I stopped and refocused. Instead of focusing on the changes around me I focused on the fact that God is my God and He has never let me down.  If I can make it thru college twice with no money surely He can provide for any situation. So that's that, God is my God and no change or situation is too much, because God has my back. I have been located.

Big girl panties!

So much has happened in between turning 33 & now. I remember just last month I was swinging from the trees literally (for my b day I did Go Ape) and now I have managed to go from 3 children to 5 children in a course of a month. Wowzers! To say my world has changed is indeed an understatement.  

Just last month I made my vision board for the new baby that's to come. And believe me we've been workin it lol. You know faith without works is dead lol. Even months before that we got a mini van in preparation for the little one to come. We added stickers of a new baby on board. And now as I ride in the van, it is filled to capacity. No additional seating. 

I def feel I'm being stretched and I wonder if our preparation for our baby was really preparation for both my cousins and a baby. One of my cousins is autistic and tho he isn't a baby, he requires the constant support and supervison like one. I don't understand  everything all I know is that it's def a year of maturity in every area.  But with the support of my husband and God, I believe that anything  is possible. I continue to hear in my spirit, God is fighting for me, God is on my side, he has overcome, yes he has overcome :) so all I need to do is put on my big girl panties and do the work!

So pardon my lack of blogging just so much has been happening.  

What do you think of me?!!

Well I've been having a blast over the past couple of weeks with my husbands staycation!! He has been off work for two weeks!! Yippee!! I can't express how awesome its been just enjoying my husband. My dream would be for him to stay at home with me and we just travel the world, visiting diff bed and breakfasts, and writing about our experiences....that would be so awesome. But we are not there just yet. In the midst of enjoying my hubsters, school has commenced and with that are the early mornings etc... And all the business that comes with school. 

Well before school started, I did an exercise with the family taken from one of the various books I've been reading. The exercise was to list positive things about  each person in the family. So we did it. At the end, I took everyone's list and created one individual list comprised of all the postive thoughts for each person gave it to them at the end.  I was utterly amaZed about what the children thought of me. I mean amazed. There were descriptions like "lives life." I didn't even know they noticed. Lol. 

I gave them all their lists and they enjoyed it!  I keep my list and look it at from time I time as encouragement in the moments where I feel like my kids are purposefully trying to hurt and or be mean to me. Helps me to get past that moment more swiftly. Try it with your kids and friends. I'd def like to try this with my family and friends too:) 

Just wanted to let them know that at the end of they day... This is what we think of you:)

For Food Lovers: Foodie Penpals (August 2013)

I'm person who's always seeking new things and exploring...even when it comes to food. I think when I gain weight it's mainly because I get bored with food. Well, I came across this website that has Foodie  Penpals where you send food to a pal.  I thought, hey this is different and this would be a fun way to explore new foods. i'mmma try it.

I told my foodie penpal, Ashely that my taste buds were seeking to discover more crunchy and sweet healthy snacks. Here's what came in my box. Boy oh boy was I excited! 

To know that there's a delivery on your doorstep is awesome and it's filled with sweet and crunchy treats!  Oh yeah! Fist pump!   The Roasted veggie tortilla chips are delicious :)  I can't wait to try the  Salsa Fresca ricesworks gourmet brown rice crisps! Then I have a chocolate theme going with the other treats: odwalla choc-walla nourishing bar, chocchippeanut protein bar (which will be great after or before my workouts), chocolate Belgrade breakfast biscuits, Special K pastry crisps chocolatey caramel & chocolate. My husband and I shared the chocolate pastry crisps last night. It hit the spot for a low cal dessert (100 calories shared means only 50 calls a piece woo hoo Winning!!). All that's left is the wrapper lol. Ashely hit the nail on the head :) with the items in my foodie penpal box wee hee! Here's some close ups on the items just in case you want to check them out yourself :) 

 I can't wait till next month :)